Defeated

Meh! I wasn't really into him anyway. But, at least, I thought he was a potential boyfriend.

Everything seemed pretty fine until Frodo emerged out of nowhere and brilliantly intercepted all the vague and subtle hints I'd been sending to Ambrosius without my knowledge.

So, in the end, I was effortlessly exterminated. Like a soldier ambushed from behind and instantly shot to death. Painlessly.

I lost the game. To someone who looks prettier than me but has alopecia and is as tall as a hobbit.

Although my description of Frodo sounds a bit too pejorative with a mixture of jealousy and the smell of vengeance, I'm definitely not as vindictive as I might sound.

I was just filled with some sort of inexplicable desolation and animosity. Which I think is quite acceptable when someone you like chooses someone else instead of you. Maybe, I haven't garnered enough experiences in love to anticipate certain possibilities and to realize the importance of certain variables that will influence the outcome. And God must have been very compassionate to let me have a glimpse of the heartbreaks that usually accompany one thing in life that is never enough, which is love.

In future, if I ever fall for someone again, I will make my feelings clear and be assertive, which trumps shyly keeping all your feelings to yourself and not getting what you want in the end.

Lastly, I'd like to thank Lexxie for comforting me and telling me what I needed to hear. So sweet of him! :) And those mouth-watering biceps of his! Argh!

No way

I think I'm on the verge of falling for a straight guy again.

The same guy Alicia used to fall for.

Damn it. I need to rationalize.

The worst thing is, he's homophobic.

I don't know how I managed to conceal my sexual preference so perfectly. Sometimes, I feel guilty having to make a few white lies to avert suspicion.

I cannot afford to let this happen. No way!

Somehow, Jacob knew I was into him, I guess.

It seems I'm not his type. He asked Dan to convey the message to me. Dan comforted me and asked me not to feel bad.

I told him I was completely fine and it's no big deal.

However, I was lying. My heart ached. I felt so inferior and lonely all of a sudden. I didn't even have the mood to continue playing DotA.

But, life's like that. Most people don't always get what they want. And as for me, I never get what I want.

I'm nothing but a lovesick person with a fragile heart. Why do I always fall for guys who turn out to be straight or gay guys who never bother to take a second look at me?

Hanging out with Caleb

I decided to come out to Dan two days ago after months of deliberation.

The much coveted chance of hanging out with Caleb finally came yesterday. I was so elated. Of course, Dan was with us too. In fact, Dan's the one who planned the whole thing and asked me out. So, apparently, he had no trouble accepting the truth about my sexual preference.

Caleb's startling talkativeness was similar to the pressure of speech noted the patients with bipolar mood disorder in manic phase in the ward. I didn't know he could be so talkative. He asked me a lot questions. And I could hardly keep up with his tempo while admiring the mesmerizing beauty of this smile. Well, is that a sign that we've known each other better and become closer?

Caleb’s cute. He’s brainy, lean and almost as tall as I am. He was very nicely dressed yesterday which made me even more ecstatic. Pink T-shirt. Nice jeans. A pair of Adidas shoes. Oh, did I mention I once saw Caleb topless from afar by accident? Haha. Scrumptious!

I did come clean to Dan about my liking for Caleb. He warned me that I might be disappointed.

I know how heart-wrenching it is to confess your love to a straight guy only to be brutally rejected. My past experiences have taught me well. At times, I don’t understand why I’d squander my time on falling for straight guys while I have a list of potential gay guys to choose from.

I don’t want to invest hope in something that’s unattainable. It’s exhausting and in the end, no one will get hurt but me.

Caleb, I like you.

Let this just be an infatuation that will dwindle into nothing with the passing of time. I’m penning this down so that I can have something sweet to reminisce and to laugh at when I'm grappling with osteoarthritis as my hair turns white.

The ice was broken

Went to gym with Dan and Caleb yesterday. And to my amazement, I was able to strike up a conversation with him. Well, I have to thank Dan for this. His presence did help to boost my courage a bit. Yet, I can sense that Caleb still looks a bit shy or uneasy when talking to me. I don't know if it's me who's being too bold or it's his nature to not open up to people whom he doesn't know well.

At the moment, I feel a deep sense of achievement. However, there's no room for complacency. Attempts to establish a closer bond with Caleb will begin in earnest from today onwards.

Chinese New Year is nearing. Everyone's in CNY mood. Haven't studied my books and notes for the past few days. Psychiatry isn't really my cup of tea anyway. Can't wait to fly home.

Mom called to inform that my flight this Friday had been delayed by a few hours. And I was kinda touched when she asked me what I wanted for my birthday which would fall on the auspicious day of Chor Yat, which also happens to be Valentine's Day. I was told that my siblings were also willing to chip in. Well, occasionally, I do crave for an i-Phone or a brand new laptop. Nevertheless, it'd be very unfilial of me to demand such an expensive from my parents whom I'm still financially dependent on.

Well, can I have Caleb as my present? ;-)

Follicular tonsilitis

Have been terribly sick for the past 2 days. High-grade fever. Painful swallowing. Bad breath. And tender lymph nodes. My tonsils have always troubled me since I was small. I really hate them.

Dan has been very caring and sweet. He went to the extent of accompanying me to see a doctor and treating me to an ice-cream as an encouragement for me to comply to my medication.

From the text messages that Dan sent me, I'm pretty sure that he's bisexual. At least, he's into guys. Hmm. But, all I could think of was Caleb.

Caleb, Caleb.

Dan told me last night that a friend of his told him I was cute. I prayed for a moment that it was Caleb. Sad to say, it wasn't him, but some female junior whom I barely know.

Sigh.

Hope I'll recover soon.

Caleb, again.

I'm very close to Dan, who happens to be Caleb's roommate.

I volunteered to buy him lunch just now on the pretext of wanting to tapau for Caleb too. The food in the cafeteria is so horrible that I wonder how they survive on it for the past 2 years. They don't have their own transport. So, I guess they don't have a choice at times.

Well, disappointingly, Dan told me that Caleb was kinda shy to accept my offer as we don't know each other very well yet.

I find myself subconsciously visiting Caleb's Facebook profile for the past few weeks. I wonder how I can attract him. I wonder if he's gay. I wonder how I can give him a hint that I'm gay without actually telling him. I wonder how I can get closer to him.

I probably just have a crush on him. Despite the fact that the infatuation will somehow wane after a few dismal attempts to approach him, I still wanted to scribble my feelings towards him here.

Anyway, is there anyone out there who has a non-dysfunctional gaydar? =)

Caleb

I think I like him.

This is the first time I feel that way toward someone who's younger than me.

The name's Caleb and he's my junior.

I'll be thinking of you

We're briefed on the examination this morning. I could see tension in everyone. As usual, there a few brilliant ones discussing things which I had no clue to. Aih. Pressured.

Heard that the passing mark for the upcoming exam is 50 %, which is 15% lower than that of every single test I've sat for for the past 3 years. Though a little bit relieved, I still shudder at the thought of not passing.

Efkay had headache today. Spinning and exploding, he described.

I asked him to rest and take paracetamol if necessary.

Efkay said he wanted his Puppy.

=)

I told to him that I had to study. And that I'd kiss away his headache if I could.

Him: I'll be fine. I'll be thinking of you.

Me: Not that hot gym instructor? Haha. Ok lor. ;-)

Him: No. It's you. Go read your books now.

That's really sweet. =)

Energized

I just dined with the guy who calls me Puppy.

I think I'm fond of him. Especially his scent.

=)

Time to study. ( I feel motivated and energized now.)

=)

Attracted

I sms-ed him at 3.30 am before dozing off.

Me: Send your puppy a msg at 8.30 am to wake him up...so tat he feels motivated to study, k?

I was woken up by the annoying ring tone of my cell phone. If I'm not mistaken, I was cursing the person who sent me the message as I sluggishly and reluctantly reached for my phone.

Him: Rise and shine, Puppy.Time to wash up, have breakfast and hit the books. No, no, no....don't close yr eyes n fall back to sleep!

I looked at the time. It's 8.34 am. I struggled to keep my eyes open and press the 'reply' button. My mind was still dominated by an intense feeling of drowsiness. And not surprisingly, before I could type anything, I fell asleep.

The next thing I knew, I was woken up again by the same ring tone an hour later.

Him: Puppy, chop chop! Time to study. To sweeten the deal, ice-cream whenever you want. It's on me. Puppy....

I guess he knew I must have continued my slumber as I did not reply to his previous message.

Me: I fell asleep lor. =( I was dreaming that I had replied to you. But I just knew I hadn't. I want Yogurberry. Hehe.

Him: Sure. U'll get yr endless supply of Yogurberry. Have u showered? * blows whistle* be a good puppy k?

Me: Not yet. Still lazing on my bed. Ok. Will get up now. Hehe. Thanks. Don't u like bad puppies?

Him: Bad puppies will b spanked till they beg for a stop. Go shower now.

I smiled. No one has done that to me in a while...except...perhaps...Kor, who occasionally sends me motivational messages to keep my spirits high...in a more brotherly manner.

It's too early and absurd to say I like him for the time being. Yet, I think I'm attracted already.

喜欢

我曾经很自信地认为, 自己是不会喜欢上你的。

对一个不可能发展的感情, 我不会抱太大的期望。

然而, 我还是彻底地败给你的魅力。

不得不承认, 我已不知不觉的喜欢上你。

我多么希望这是假的。

即使有一千个,一万个不愿意, 我始终还是压抑不住, 内心对你的喜欢。

喜欢是个很肤浅的名词。与爱相比, 它差远了 。但, 它却足以无时无刻地勾起我对你的思念。

我不敢奢求你的回报。否则, 换来的会是沮丧和心痛。

我只是想用文字, 把此时此刻心中的感觉, 刻在这里。

就让时间来冲淡一切吧!

但愿幸福可以一直陪伴着你, 直到永远。

我会默默地把这美丽的回忆藏在心里, 快乐地活下去。

相信, 这已足够把我心中的幸福填满。

Klang Boy

I chanced upon him in a school program a few days back. Several months after I first saw him during the orientation week.

Standing aside like a ravenous beast waiting to pounce on its prey, my eyes greedily appraised him as instructed by my subconscious mind. He hadn’t changed much. Outspoken and outgoing. Crew cut. Fair complexion. The breathtakingly beautiful smile he occasionally flashed made him very handsome. He still walked and talked with the assurance of someone who thought of himself as indomitable or good-looking. He exuded a sort of confidence that might be misconstrued as arrogance or complacency. Nevertheless, to me, it’s a magical force that attracted me. He still looked like one of those recalcitrant high school kids who’d play truant and bring girlie magazine to class. Mischievously cute, I’d say.

During the program, our eyes did meet, for a second or so. His sensual eyes widened with mystification and curiosity. I got nervous and shy and instantly looked in another direction. He must have noticed I was ogling at him. Perhaps, I could have been too conspicuous.

To date, I don’t know what his full name is. Neither have I had a conversation with him. The fact that I always become very shy in the presence of someone I like really irks me. I only know that he’s my junior. The Klang boy whom I used to be infatuated with. The formidably intelligent guy who aspired to become an actuary but was accepted into med school by a twist of fate.

Anyway, I don’t think he’s gay.

Bumping into Klang Boy has ignited the sparks of desires and desperation in me which I’ve been subconsciously making an effort to suppress.

I’ve always clung on to the belief that love will show up, sooner or later, or when least expected. Yet, sometimes, the interminable wait can be utterly frustrating and painfully boring. I don’t know how far I can take before I do things desperate gays would. Hehe.

A dream

CH: Hey. Let's go out for supper.

Me: Huh? It's already 0035 wor. Want meh?

CH: Faster la.

Me: But I have a 11pm curfew. I'm not allowed to enter the campus after 11pm.

CH: Nvm de la. Don't worry.

Me: Ok lu....

I boarded CH's white MyVi and off we went.

Well, it's a dream. A sweet one. That's the only part I can vividly remember. Am not sure what happened next.

The world seemed to be more beautiful when I woke up this morning. =) It's my first time dreaming of CH after I realized I was infatuated with him. I was filled with excitement and an inexplicable sense of satisfaction despite the fact that deep in my heart, I knew he's a star that I'd never be able to reach, at least for the time being.

The O&G posting officially began today. Went to class in high spirits. Attended some boring lectures on the embryology and anatomy of the female reproductive organs. And I realized I'd forgotten almost everything I learnt in 1st year. Aih.

CH lingered on my mind the entire day.

Feel so high, although it's merely a dream.

:)

Distance

I got his number today!!

:)

I met CH when I slutted in KL for 9 days (during which I got to meet 15 guys whom I previously chatted with on mIRC), right before I embarked upon the third year of my university life.

The day I arrived at KL, Pikey brought me to Wing's cafe in Kuchai Lama where a few of his friends were already waiting.

CH caught my attention immediately.

Then, for the next few days, I had the opportunity to meet him several times, with the presence of Pikey's friends.

He's messy. Straight-acting. Manly. Short ( barely reaches my shoulders). Slim and lean. Boisterous and blasting with energy. Childish, in a way that attracts me. Craps a lot. Funny. Fun to be with. Cute and adorable, in a way that makes me dyspnoeic and my heart arrhythmic.

I have a great liking for him. Images of his sensual eyes and his captivating smiles appear on my mind every now and then.

He made my slutting trip very memorable. But the fact that we're separated by the South China Sea really saddens me.

Today, I mustered up my courage and asked for his cell phone number when we chatted online, which I'd wanted to do for so long but didn't have the guts to. Feel very glad, though I know this means nothing more than having a guy I like in my contact list whom I'll never have the chance to be in love with, chiefly because we're so far away from each other.

But still, I've got something to say. CH, I like you. =)