Male bonding

I've become unbelievably close to Dan. Just like Caleb, Dan’s my junior as well. In fact, both of them are actually roommates.

The first time we talked was on Facebook, I remember. Didn’t pay much attention to him initially. However, what I thought was a formal greeting from a junior surprisingly led to the formation of a special bond between us. Before I realized what was going on, we’re already sending each other text messages containing a colossal amount of flirtation.

Our conversations mainly revolved around the mundane things of day-to-day life. Nevertheless, he was astoundingly bold in the way he flirted with me, as if he’d known my liking for guys. He wrote things that made me go gaga, things that a straight guy would certainly not say to another guy.

I could feel the authenticity of his sincerity and the care he’d shown towards me. He paid heed to everything little thing I mentioned. When I was doing Community Medicine Posting in a very provincial town, he surprised me with a piece of honey cake when he visited. He bought me an egg tart once to boost my spirits when he knew my mood was low. He bought me croissants because I said I liked them. He coaxed me into seeing a doctor when I was sick and treated me to an ice-cream to ensure my compliance to my medication. He motivated me when I was demoralized. He gave me wake-up calls whenever I needed one. We’d even watched a movie together, just the two of us.

It felt real, I must concede. Even till now, I think we behave like a couple more than friends at times. I’m not sure what he’s up to. Maybe, he just needs a brotherly figure to compensate for the loneliness he feels as the only child in his family.

I might have fallen for him. Yet, my rational self always gets the better of me. And fortunately, I still have Caleb to cling on to emotionally.

Dan has a girlfriend, by the way.

Gotta be cautious though. Being the most notorious pervert in med school who flirts with juniors of the same sex isn’t really a social stigma I’m very fond of.

The ice was broken

Went to gym with Dan and Caleb yesterday. And to my amazement, I was able to strike up a conversation with him. Well, I have to thank Dan for this. His presence did help to boost my courage a bit. Yet, I can sense that Caleb still looks a bit shy or uneasy when talking to me. I don't know if it's me who's being too bold or it's his nature to not open up to people whom he doesn't know well.

At the moment, I feel a deep sense of achievement. However, there's no room for complacency. Attempts to establish a closer bond with Caleb will begin in earnest from today onwards.

Chinese New Year is nearing. Everyone's in CNY mood. Haven't studied my books and notes for the past few days. Psychiatry isn't really my cup of tea anyway. Can't wait to fly home.

Mom called to inform that my flight this Friday had been delayed by a few hours. And I was kinda touched when she asked me what I wanted for my birthday which would fall on the auspicious day of Chor Yat, which also happens to be Valentine's Day. I was told that my siblings were also willing to chip in. Well, occasionally, I do crave for an i-Phone or a brand new laptop. Nevertheless, it'd be very unfilial of me to demand such an expensive from my parents whom I'm still financially dependent on.

Well, can I have Caleb as my present? ;-)

Follicular tonsilitis

Have been terribly sick for the past 2 days. High-grade fever. Painful swallowing. Bad breath. And tender lymph nodes. My tonsils have always troubled me since I was small. I really hate them.

Dan has been very caring and sweet. He went to the extent of accompanying me to see a doctor and treating me to an ice-cream as an encouragement for me to comply to my medication.

From the text messages that Dan sent me, I'm pretty sure that he's bisexual. At least, he's into guys. Hmm. But, all I could think of was Caleb.

Caleb, Caleb.

Dan told me last night that a friend of his told him I was cute. I prayed for a moment that it was Caleb. Sad to say, it wasn't him, but some female junior whom I barely know.

Sigh.

Hope I'll recover soon.

Caleb, again.

I'm very close to Dan, who happens to be Caleb's roommate.

I volunteered to buy him lunch just now on the pretext of wanting to tapau for Caleb too. The food in the cafeteria is so horrible that I wonder how they survive on it for the past 2 years. They don't have their own transport. So, I guess they don't have a choice at times.

Well, disappointingly, Dan told me that Caleb was kinda shy to accept my offer as we don't know each other very well yet.

I find myself subconsciously visiting Caleb's Facebook profile for the past few weeks. I wonder how I can attract him. I wonder if he's gay. I wonder how I can give him a hint that I'm gay without actually telling him. I wonder how I can get closer to him.

I probably just have a crush on him. Despite the fact that the infatuation will somehow wane after a few dismal attempts to approach him, I still wanted to scribble my feelings towards him here.

Anyway, is there anyone out there who has a non-dysfunctional gaydar? =)

Caleb

I think I like him.

This is the first time I feel that way toward someone who's younger than me.

The name's Caleb and he's my junior.

Homophobia is sickening

Never in my life had I felt so threatened by homophobia until today.

It's utterly disappointing when someone who's supposed to be on your side suddenly turns against you.

'Please do not comment about my sexuality in public in future.'

I so wanted to send her this message but after a second thought, I didn't. I knew it wouldn't help and would only cause our faltering friendship to crumble.

On another occasion, someone said this to me. ' See that effeminate guy? He'll soon become gay. That's how homosexuality occurs. First, you turn sissy. And as time passes by, you sort of metamorphose into a gay.'

I stared at him in incredulity. Those were the words which came from a 4th-year med student. And he wasn't aware that he's making that statement to a guy who's been gay for more than a decade.

For some stupid reason, I've been trying to give a hint to people around me that I'm gay. Yeah, I know it's idiotic. And I'll stop doing this from tomorrow onwards.

It hurts to realize that all I've got is myself. I promise I'll work harder. I've gotta be strong and resilient. I want to be formidable. I want to be outstanding and successful in life as this is one of the very few ways I can feel good about myself. And may the offspring of all the homophobic morons out there be gay so that the latter will understand how sickening homophobia can be some day.

Patience

The traffic jam really drives me crazy. I hate the fact that there are so many people and vehicles wherever I go. I wish the main roads could be widened and more flyovers built to ameliorate the traffic condition during peak hours. And I so wish that we had a teaching hospital within walking distance. I can't help but silently curse in frustration when I'm stranded in a deluge of cars moving at a snail's pace. Oh damn ... so annoying.

But, whenever my temper hovers near its boiling point, I can hear an inner voice telling me to calm down and be patient. I do comply, though it's really hard. Of course, this isn't only about the heavy traffic which tires me out. I'm exasperated by someone's poor sense of punctuality which ruined my plans today. I'm irritated by the fact that someone who blatantly ignores my feelings and expects me to be a gentleman all the time just because I'm a guy. And I keep telling myself to be patient every day when things don't pan out quite as expected.

As far as my studies are concerned, I'm doing fine. I've learnt how to perform an intubation (on a mannequin) and I have to say that anaesthesiology, which revolves around the art of knocking someone out, is quite interesting and extremely challenging. And I've decided to do my elective posting next year in Taiwan. The Taiwanese guys had better be as cute and twinky as those I see in the dramas and my porn. And who knows I'll bump into Willy? =)

Oh ya. I chanced upon someone who looked familiar in the hospital the other day. My mind registered the near-perfect physique of a man, searched my memory for a match and found one. He's one of the guys whose profile I came across on Planetromeo. Actually, that's not the first time I saw him. I'd always covertly checked out his ass. So, now I know a hot gay medical officer who works in the obstetrics and gynaecology department. =p