Having my own children?

I was in an infertility clinic run by Dr. C the other day. She's a consultant obstetrician and gynaecologist who mainly sees subfertile couples.

My colleague and I stood aside with trepidation and jittery feet, anticipating the onslaught of questions on subfertility and assisted conception by Dr. C. It's the first day of our posting. And I'd not studied anything about the vagina and uterus before classes resumed after our year break. We're already in final year. Blurting out answers which made us look idiotic was the last thing we wanted.

As the hours crawled by, we became more relaxed. Surprisingly, she's not as ferocious as we thought. In fact, she's quite easy on us. As she saw her patients, she patiently taught us about the management of subfertility, intrauterine insemination, in-vitro fertilization, ovulatory drugs and so on.

I saw couples who're overwhelmed with joy when they could eventually have a baby. And the woeful faces of women with polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS) who've made every endeavour to conceive but to no avail.

Apart from being distracted by some of the F.I.L.F (fathers I'd like to f**k) occasionally, my mind uncontrollably strayed into the possibilities of my fathering a kid too. One with my own genetic imprint.

One of greatest drawbacks of being gay is you can't have your own kids. Nonetheless, I really wish I could have my own children, ideally a son and a daughter, after I've established my own career and become financially stable in future. The urge intensifies whenever I play with my nephew and niece, especially when they call me 舅舅 (uncle) and give me a peck on my cheek.

It'd be very infantile of me to say that I've made my decision before having taken the issues surrounding it into consideration, such as societal perception, the cost that would be incurred as well as the impact of gay parents on the mental and social wellbeing of their kids. And who's going to be the egg donor? Will my future boyfriend be up for such a feat?  What's more, in-vitro fertilization and gestational surrogacy are definitely not cheap. Ricky Martin is one of the very few gays who've opted for this, I reckon.

At a stage where I haven't completed my undergraduate studies, it's premature to talk about raising kids and parenting. And hey, I don't even have a boyfriend yet. Although I'm not sure how much tenacity and sacrifices it'll entail, it's a dream I hope I can realize. Or is adoption a better option?

祸不单行

I've been very unlucky lately.

It started with my being a scapegoat for someone's blunder serious enough that a letter of apology to the head of the department was obligatory. It's extremely mortifying when we're given a stern telling-off. What really got on my nerves was the refusal of one of the main perpetrators to own up to the mistake and his accusation that the rest were more guilty.

You know how the truth always becomes convoluted by rumours or when the person spreading them wants to portray himself as being more victimized and less guilty. Despicable! I guess I'm kinda notorious now. Certain things take years to be built and yet it's so fragile that it can be marred within seconds. A good reputation just happens to fall under this category.

When things like this take place, you can tell who your friends are. However, I think the practical thing to do now is not to linger on the past but to learn from the mistake and be more cautious in future.

Apart from that, I injured my right index finger by accident in the gym a few days back. I'm not a frequent gym-goer. I was merely acting upon the suggestions of a few friends who unanimously agreed that I should give it a try. I wasn't familiar with the equipment and that's how I got a laceration on the palmar surface of my right index finger.

My roommate rushed me to the nearest hospital where I received two sutures and some chloramphenicol ointment plus a course of oral antibiotic for RM 1. Guess that's the upside of seeking treatment in a government hospital. Unbelievably cheap. Nevertheless, the waiting can be frustrating.

There's still some tingling sensation and numbness over the tip of my finger. It affects my writing and interferes with my daily ritual -- jerking off. I'm kinda worried if this will be permanent. I've forgotten my orthopaedics and was wondering if I should consult a doctor.

Despite being emotionally affected by the unfortunate events and academic stress, I can't help swooning over several cute housemen in the department, namely Dr. Nerraw and Dr. A. Dr. Nerraw looks Chinese. I've yet to find out his full name but I don't think he's of the Chinese descent. Maybe Sino. He's got a tall figure and beautiful facial features. Scrumptious! He never really smiles though. I'm pretty sure I'll fall into a swoon if he ever flashes one to me. As for Dr. A, he's slim and lean. Always clad in trousers which accentuate his anterior bulge and butt. Tantalizing!

Running out of time

Am currently in obstetrics and gynaecology posting.

It's not uncommon to see pregnant women as young as 15. The girl with preterm prelabour rupture of membranes whom I clerked today is only 16. And his husband is a year younger than me.

I feel very old all of a sudden. While I'm still cruising at swimming pools and checking out some hot guys on Facebook, many people 7 or 8 years younger than me are already starting their families. 

I'm kinda immature when it comes to relationships, attributable to the fact that I've never really had one. After having played the passive role for so long and realizing it did me no good, I decided to learn to be more proactive. However, I don't know how to pursue someone I have feelings for. Every time my efforts culminate in a dismal failure, I lose my confidence. Perhaps, I'm not trying hard enough. Or maybe, I'm not courageous enough to face the fear of rejection. 

Apart from that, my sexperience is almost nil. This is kinda embarrassing, but I decided to be honest here. When I tell my friends this, they say I'm being coy and trying to put up a facade of innocence. 

Extremely desperate though I am, I'm anything but a fan of ONS. Yet, in the meantime, I'm worried of not being able to satisfy my future boyfriend sexually. And there are no free tutorials for me to hone my skills. Although I'm addicted to porn, I don't think I'll be able to rim and blow as adroitly as the guys in my collection of porn. I'm sure it takes years to be that good. And I'm running out of time. I'm aging. Hope that what I've learnt so far will enable me to put up a satisfactory performance when the time comes.

And I don't know how many heart-breaks I have to go through before I can eventually settle down with the love of my life. But come what may. I'm willing tto learn. Everyone starts from zero anyway, right? 

Anyone out there offering free tutorials?

New blog

This is my brand new blog. Had to set the previous one to private as it seemed that some people who knew me personally had discovered the true identity of the author, that's me.

And the annoying thing is, I did't know who they were. They just dropped a few lines in the chat box, hinting that they'd known my sexuality. There was no display of homophobic remarks.. However, I felt very disturbed.

I'm not sure how many people around me have found out I'm gay. Some of them actually go to great lengths to investigate the underlying reason why I've not had a girlfriend at this age. Their inquisitiveness drives me crazy at times. And I'm afraid of being ostracized.

I've always envied Little Dove's ability to maintain anonymous and keep all his readers in suspense. Well, let's see how long I can maintain my anonymity. Haha.

Help me

How do you guys actually approach the guys whom you want to get to know on Facebook?

How do you impress them our arrest their attention with the your first message?

Damn. I really suck in this. And I've failed miserably in getting to know people I want to.

How do I sound polite and not desperate at the same time?

Sorry

I did something that I seriously regret now. I should NOT have revealed his sexual preference to some stranger without obtaining his permission.

I came clean to him with what I'd done and it seems he's offended.

I just started to get along well with him and I really don't wish that my mistake would hinder our platonic friendship from blossoming.

I feel stupid for what I did. I would have been enraged if I were him.

Dude, I'm really sorry. I cannot undo what I've done. I hope you can forgive me.

Liver metastasis

The consultant gastroenterologist asked me to clerk a patient with metastatic liver cancer and I'm supposed to present the case during the morning meeting tomorrow.

Based on the history, I guess the primary site of malignancy is the colon. Which means he's probably having colorectal cancer which had metastasized to the liver. When this happens, the treatment is almost always palliative. The prognosis is bad. Textbooks say these patients don't survive more than 6 months.

The liver ultrasound scan revealed bull eye's sign. When I palpated his huge liver, I could feel a nodular surface. These are suggestive of secondary spread.

I sympathize with the family members. I really do. I don't think they know the gravity of the situation yet. I don't think they get me when I'm asking them about other symptoms of spread to other organs which don't seem to be associated to his chief complaint. However, I'm not in the position to tell them the truth.

I'll try my best to present tomorrow and may you be strong, uncle.