I feel old.

I miss those days when I was hot. Or at least I felt I was hot.

I miss those days when a lot of guys flirted with me.

I feel like a piece of shit now.

Argh.

Dear Mummy,

For some reason I don't know, I'm still clinging on to something I don't quite have the sense of belonging to.

I feel chained.

It's troublesome.

Mummy, I wish things were like in the past when I was a kid and you would solve all my problems.

However, I'm an adult now. And there's a huge chunk of my life that I'm forced to keep secret from you.

I'm shedding tears now. Something I didn't expect to happen when I decided to write this blog post.

Dear Mummy,

I punched out from work at 9pm today. My other colleagues left at 7pm.

And because of this, I had a argument with my boyfriend.

I can't remember how many times this has happened.

It's not my fault that there was septic patient who came in 10 minutes before I wanted to leave.I had to do something. It's my responsibility. In medicine, if you're irresponsible, someone may just die. And the person could be someone's father, mother or son.

I've failed to illustrate this point to my boyfriend.I don't know what I've done to deserve all the victimization. I hope he understands I came home late because I had an emergency situation to deal with. Not that I was slow or incompetent in my work.

Felt so disappointed with him that I cried on my way back.

Yeah, I know. I seem to cry lot recently. Let's hope that I won't have to see a psychiatrist yet.

Sigh. Sometimes I just wish I'd chosen to work in hometown where none of this would have happened.

Anyway, happy birthday, Mummy. Enjoy your trip in Thailand.

Dear Mummy,

I thought of you again today. I wonder how you're doing with the red car. Is it still in the workshop?

I've got to study for my assessment tomorrow.

Miss you.

Hope you'll be good

Went back to hometown during the long weekend.

I waved goodbye to my mom from inside my new car.

I cried the during the first 5 minutes after I'd embarked upon my long journey back to KL.

I don't meet my mom often due to the distance between us. Whenever I do get to meet her, I always worry that that's going to be last time I will ever see her again. Call me paranoid or anything.After having seen so many sufferings in the hospital for the past 1 year, I realize that human beings can be very frail. Anything can happen.You never know.

Mummy,I hope you'll be good.

My relationship is not working

Alright. Maybe I lied. Actually, I don't think my relationship is working.

We've been arguing quite intensely with each other lately, apparently due to the lack of compatibility between us.

I remember how desperate I was to find love when I was single back then. Ironically, after having found a seemingly perfect boyfriend, I feel like going back to singlehood.


I can feel that something's not right about my relationship. I'm dragging it on with a lot pain and heartbreaks. If you were to ask me to picture the image of the guy I'd get married to, it's not his face I'd visualize.

Whenever we quarrel, I tend to have the burning desire to break up with him. Sadly, I never have the courage to bring this up to him. And I tell myself that it's okay, Things will be better. Or perhaps, I don't want him to be devastated. Although a break up with him will release me from the immense stress that this relationship has put on me, I know it'll deal a heavy blow to him.

But then, everything has a limit. 

I really hope things will get better.

I'm attached, finally

Am back to blogging again.

I guess the greatest change in my life since I last blogged is that I've got a boyfriend.

We have been together for about 6 months now.

My first relationship ever.

Unavoidably, there have been many ups and downs. Yet, I can confidently say that we're still doing good.

Looks like I ain't that bad when it comes to relationships. Gonna blog more about my relationship in time to come.

By the way, just got back from chilling out with a few friends in Hi-so Pub where the patronizers are mostly gay. Though it's just some obscure pub located in an old building opposite Pavillion, the ambience was great. It felt as though I'd got my gay social life back. Really awesome.

Today's learning point: I should learn to be less self-conscious and just enjoy life.