On being desperate

I've been feeling very diabetic of late reading how Skyhawk expresses his affection for his boyfriend and vice versa. So sweet and romantic.

Today, I saw Dr. Phuah in the obstetric ward. He's seeing a patient with thyroid disease in pregnancy. In the presence of such a huge distraction, needless to say, I failed to concentrate on clerking my patient.

I got his full name and looking for him on Facebook was the first thing I did after I got back. Disappointingly, he's kissing a girl in his profile picture. That explains why I'm PMS-ing at the moment. Now, the glimmer of hope that he's gay is lost.

I always have the tendency to assume people are gay and fall for them, only to be driven to despair in the end when I discover they're actually not.

I crave for love. I yearn to be hugged and kissed. I fervently wish that I had a boyfriend to whom I can give my body and soul. I wish I didn't have to wrap myself with my comforter and tears in my eyes, imagining that it's the guy I love hugging me.

And I don't know why I always attract people who freak me out and give me a chill of horror that raises good bumps on every square inch of my body. For instance, the immaculately dressed and well-groomed male stranger who followed me out of the changing room of the public pool, placed his arm across my shoulder and asked if we could have a drink. I could see the yearning in his eyes and the temptation rising uncontrollably within me. Yet, the situation was too frightening for me to think of anything kinky.


And not to mention the overtly friendly temple senior, a married man in his 40s and apparently bisexual, who treated me really nice. He bought me expensive meals and gifts. It doesn't take to realize the ulterior motives behind his generosity and kindness when it dawned on me that he'd known I was gay from the very beginning. He saw my gay profile online. Once, I even agreed to stay with him in a hotel as we had to attend an activity in the temple which ended pretty late. My university has an 11 pm curfew. What a close shave! 

Besides, recently, a perverse senior of mine discovered my blog and my identity was exposed soon after. I only suspected this only after he started asking me details of how I masturbate and satisfy my sexual desire out of the blue on Facebook, when in actual fact, I'm not even close to him. My hatred for him became stronger after discovering that Caleb, a junior whom I used to have a crush on, wasn't spared from his harassment as well. Despite my giving him a cold shoulder, he started texting me a few days back. I wonder why he has to approach people in such an eerie way. 

Why is it so hard to attract and arrest the attention of the guys I like? 

Bisexuality

This is just my personal view on bisexualilty as a conservative, old-fashioned, lovesick and desperate gay.

I face a lot discrimination just simply because I'm different.

I'm grappling with a kind of fear unfathomable to my family members and friends. Homosexuality definitely doesn't define me entirely. However, I'm certain that my homophobic friends are just going to label me as gay (if they knew) despite the fact that it's just a minute part of my life. They will condemn you at all cost. All you can do is to silently endure their mockery. Of course, I've never come close to being in such an undesirable situation, but I guess that's roughly how the scenario will be like.

Being different, therefore, has taught me to be less judgmental and more receptive to the differences of other people. If you flip through any psychiatry textbook, you'll be able to find out how many sexual paraphilias human beings are known to have. Beastiality. Paedophilia. Necrophilia. Coprophilia. Sadism. Masochism. Theoretically speaking, these disorders, some of which are illegal, are characterized by sexual impulses, fantasies and practices that're deviant, unusual and bizarre.  They might be psychologically damaged. Nonetheless, frankly speaking, I don't really find them that contemptible. They might be undergoing something I don't understand. I feel the same towards transsexuals, transvestites and last but not least, bisexuals.

Well, as far as I'm concerned, bisexuality per se, is nothing wrong. I don't it's easy for them either to live a double life. To experience so much confusion and deal with so many quandaries and dilemmas.

Yet, I'm pretty sure most of us gays have a deep sense of revulsion against bisexuality principally because bisexuals are notorious for having extra-marital affairs, their disloyalty, toying with our feelings and eventually settling down with the opposite gender, leaving us heartbroken (Little Dove, hugs). They get married and reproduce to to conform to the norms of society and to measure up to their parents' expectations. And in the meantime, they fuck guys. Now, that's what nauseates me.

I sympathize with their wives.

Sometimes, it's so annoying that they have a choice. And they can have everything. Wives. Children. Blessings from their parents and relatives. And a clandestine relationship with a guy. (Drew, I'm not referring to you.) =D

Truth be told, some of them can be really hot. Sizzling hot. Though it's wrong to generalize that all bisexuals are all only into sex, those whom I've come across are into sex with no strings attached. Forbidden fruits aren't supposed to be eaten. The heartbreaks are not worth it.

Ah! If only I had a uterus. If only I were straight.

Obstacles

I always count my blessings for having come across a few charismatic clinicians who impress us immensely with their knowledge and professionalism. Even the way they talk and walk is enough to make me idolize them.

They're always willing to teach even though it's not their duty. They get their points across eloquently in impeccable English and in a way that can hold you spellbound. I emulate them. I tell myself I want to soar like an eagle and be as good as them in future. Sad to say, they're a rare species.

I'm not happy with the hostility displayed by certain doctors. They say things like ' You're not allowed to follow my ward round unless I get a formal letter of permission from your uni ', with a I'm-not-paid-to-teach-you-so-why-should-i? look on their faces. In Malaysia, medical education is under the Ministry of Higher Education, whereas the staff in government hospitals are under the Ministry of Health. Hence, theoretically speaking, they're not responsible for teaching us. Yet, I don't know why they have to be so mean even though we've really humbled ourselves.

I'm not sure if my counterparts in other local universities are facing the same predicament, which certainly poses a great deal of inconvenience to us. There're many limitations which hinder us from learning. This is extremely depressing.

I wish I were outstanding enough to be granted the PSD scholarship. Damn. Why didn't I score an A1 in Chinese? That'd have made me a more eligible applicant. I seethe with jealousy and frustration whenever I see how well some of my brilliant friends are doing abroad. Asking my parents to fork out a substantial amount of their savings to finance my medical education in a private institution just doesn't seem to be a humane thing to do. Consequently, I ended up being somewhere I didn't really like. A place so sparsely populated by gays that I've become unbelievably desperate over the years. A place with many more imperfections which I can't list down here one by one.

Well, there're many things in life which you just have to live with without complaints, mainly because you're given a Hobson's choice.

I'm worried of how graduates from other prestigious universities will look at us when we embark on our medical profession in future. Despite the defective system I'm in, I hope that the discrepancy in terms of quality will not be too obvious.

Guess what I can do now is to optimally utilize whatever I have, see as many patients as I can and study as much as possible. I've got to to stop complaining, relegate thoughts that do me no good to the back of my mind and appreciate what God has bestowed upon me. I always tell myself everything happens for a reason. A defensive mechanism which invariably makes me feel better.

I'll try not to kill after graduation next April.=)

Having my own children?

I was in an infertility clinic run by Dr. C the other day. She's a consultant obstetrician and gynaecologist who mainly sees subfertile couples.

My colleague and I stood aside with trepidation and jittery feet, anticipating the onslaught of questions on subfertility and assisted conception by Dr. C. It's the first day of our posting. And I'd not studied anything about the vagina and uterus before classes resumed after our year break. We're already in final year. Blurting out answers which made us look idiotic was the last thing we wanted.

As the hours crawled by, we became more relaxed. Surprisingly, she's not as ferocious as we thought. In fact, she's quite easy on us. As she saw her patients, she patiently taught us about the management of subfertility, intrauterine insemination, in-vitro fertilization, ovulatory drugs and so on.

I saw couples who're overwhelmed with joy when they could eventually have a baby. And the woeful faces of women with polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS) who've made every endeavour to conceive but to no avail.

Apart from being distracted by some of the F.I.L.F (fathers I'd like to f**k) occasionally, my mind uncontrollably strayed into the possibilities of my fathering a kid too. One with my own genetic imprint.

One of greatest drawbacks of being gay is you can't have your own kids. Nonetheless, I really wish I could have my own children, ideally a son and a daughter, after I've established my own career and become financially stable in future. The urge intensifies whenever I play with my nephew and niece, especially when they call me 舅舅 (uncle) and give me a peck on my cheek.

It'd be very infantile of me to say that I've made my decision before having taken the issues surrounding it into consideration, such as societal perception, the cost that would be incurred as well as the impact of gay parents on the mental and social wellbeing of their kids. And who's going to be the egg donor? Will my future boyfriend be up for such a feat?  What's more, in-vitro fertilization and gestational surrogacy are definitely not cheap. Ricky Martin is one of the very few gays who've opted for this, I reckon.

At a stage where I haven't completed my undergraduate studies, it's premature to talk about raising kids and parenting. And hey, I don't even have a boyfriend yet. Although I'm not sure how much tenacity and sacrifices it'll entail, it's a dream I hope I can realize. Or is adoption a better option?

祸不单行

I've been very unlucky lately.

It started with my being a scapegoat for someone's blunder serious enough that a letter of apology to the head of the department was obligatory. It's extremely mortifying when we're given a stern telling-off. What really got on my nerves was the refusal of one of the main perpetrators to own up to the mistake and his accusation that the rest were more guilty.

You know how the truth always becomes convoluted by rumours or when the person spreading them wants to portray himself as being more victimized and less guilty. Despicable! I guess I'm kinda notorious now. Certain things take years to be built and yet it's so fragile that it can be marred within seconds. A good reputation just happens to fall under this category.

When things like this take place, you can tell who your friends are. However, I think the practical thing to do now is not to linger on the past but to learn from the mistake and be more cautious in future.

Apart from that, I injured my right index finger by accident in the gym a few days back. I'm not a frequent gym-goer. I was merely acting upon the suggestions of a few friends who unanimously agreed that I should give it a try. I wasn't familiar with the equipment and that's how I got a laceration on the palmar surface of my right index finger.

My roommate rushed me to the nearest hospital where I received two sutures and some chloramphenicol ointment plus a course of oral antibiotic for RM 1. Guess that's the upside of seeking treatment in a government hospital. Unbelievably cheap. Nevertheless, the waiting can be frustrating.

There's still some tingling sensation and numbness over the tip of my finger. It affects my writing and interferes with my daily ritual -- jerking off. I'm kinda worried if this will be permanent. I've forgotten my orthopaedics and was wondering if I should consult a doctor.

Despite being emotionally affected by the unfortunate events and academic stress, I can't help swooning over several cute housemen in the department, namely Dr. Nerraw and Dr. A. Dr. Nerraw looks Chinese. I've yet to find out his full name but I don't think he's of the Chinese descent. Maybe Sino. He's got a tall figure and beautiful facial features. Scrumptious! He never really smiles though. I'm pretty sure I'll fall into a swoon if he ever flashes one to me. As for Dr. A, he's slim and lean. Always clad in trousers which accentuate his anterior bulge and butt. Tantalizing!

Running out of time

Am currently in obstetrics and gynaecology posting.

It's not uncommon to see pregnant women as young as 15. The girl with preterm prelabour rupture of membranes whom I clerked today is only 16. And his husband is a year younger than me.

I feel very old all of a sudden. While I'm still cruising at swimming pools and checking out some hot guys on Facebook, many people 7 or 8 years younger than me are already starting their families. 

I'm kinda immature when it comes to relationships, attributable to the fact that I've never really had one. After having played the passive role for so long and realizing it did me no good, I decided to learn to be more proactive. However, I don't know how to pursue someone I have feelings for. Every time my efforts culminate in a dismal failure, I lose my confidence. Perhaps, I'm not trying hard enough. Or maybe, I'm not courageous enough to face the fear of rejection. 

Apart from that, my sexperience is almost nil. This is kinda embarrassing, but I decided to be honest here. When I tell my friends this, they say I'm being coy and trying to put up a facade of innocence. 

Extremely desperate though I am, I'm anything but a fan of ONS. Yet, in the meantime, I'm worried of not being able to satisfy my future boyfriend sexually. And there are no free tutorials for me to hone my skills. Although I'm addicted to porn, I don't think I'll be able to rim and blow as adroitly as the guys in my collection of porn. I'm sure it takes years to be that good. And I'm running out of time. I'm aging. Hope that what I've learnt so far will enable me to put up a satisfactory performance when the time comes.

And I don't know how many heart-breaks I have to go through before I can eventually settle down with the love of my life. But come what may. I'm willing tto learn. Everyone starts from zero anyway, right? 

Anyone out there offering free tutorials?

New blog

This is my brand new blog. Had to set the previous one to private as it seemed that some people who knew me personally had discovered the true identity of the author, that's me.

And the annoying thing is, I did't know who they were. They just dropped a few lines in the chat box, hinting that they'd known my sexuality. There was no display of homophobic remarks.. However, I felt very disturbed.

I'm not sure how many people around me have found out I'm gay. Some of them actually go to great lengths to investigate the underlying reason why I've not had a girlfriend at this age. Their inquisitiveness drives me crazy at times. And I'm afraid of being ostracized.

I've always envied Little Dove's ability to maintain anonymous and keep all his readers in suspense. Well, let's see how long I can maintain my anonymity. Haha.

Help me

How do you guys actually approach the guys whom you want to get to know on Facebook?

How do you impress them our arrest their attention with the your first message?

Damn. I really suck in this. And I've failed miserably in getting to know people I want to.

How do I sound polite and not desperate at the same time?