Dealing with kids

I think great doctors are great because of their patients. Had it not been their patients, the medical profession wouldn't even have existed.

I always feel very thankful to the patients I come across. Although some may be a little bit annoying, especially the well-educated ones who think they know a lot about diseases when in actual fact they know very little, I guess I'll still be tolerant enough in future to respond to their hostility with a placatory smile. After all, as the Declaration of Geneva puts it, I'm supposed to consecrate my life to the service of humanity and practise my profession with conscience and dignity. And all these include having a lot of patience. 

But, I've seen spiteful doctors lose their temper and say awful things to patients. Such a scenario is commonplace in government hospitals overcrowded with the sick and needy. I'm not surprised at all, considering the the amount of stress they work under. Nonetheless, I still find the remark very imbecile and inconsiderate. Such doctors propagate a very negative image of others in the noble profession. Well, Savante may say I'm just another typical medical student full of idealism which may have no place in the actual working environment. But, we'll see how it goes. Meh.

And paediatrics is one of my most favourite subjects, partly because I get to deal with children. I find children very adorable, lovable and intriguing, though I still feel intimidated whenever I have to approach an inconsolable kid who cries incessantly even after having exhausted all the tricks I usually use to make my nephew smile. 

But then, when I do succeed in pacifying and soothing a fretful child, no words can describe the sense of achievement and satisfaction that floods me. When you tickle him, he lets out a chuckle followed by a few mumbled sentences of indecipherable words. And as you look into his eyes still glistening with tears and the dazzling smile that slowly forms on his angelic face, you suddenly realize the fatherly instincts you were born with. Haha. I know this might sound absurd. But, at least it applies to me, for a fraction of a second when the eye contact is established. Thereafter, you have to regain your composure and examine the kid competently and present your findings to a consultant who's scrutinizing your examination techniques.

I can still remember the face of the boy with beta-thalassaemia major whom I examined a few days ago. He had a facial expression with loneliness and sadness mingled. How can a kid deprived of quality of life and who has to receive frequent blood transfusions and live with all the debilitating effects the disease be happy and jovial? He looked very innocent, incapable of meanness, hypocrisy and selfishness, unlike the adult patients. I could see a fragility in him that cut through my heart. How I wish I had the power to enliven his gloomy life and lessen his sufferings.

Just for your information, I have alpha-thalassaemic trait. No. I'm not anaemic and I don't need blood transfusion. If I ever get married to a female carrier, each child of ours will have a 25% chance of having thalassaemia major, 50 % chance of being a carrier and 25 % chance of being normal. However, this piece of information is hardly relevant to you gays. =)

And if you ask me if I want to father a child someday in future, the answer is yes, although I don't quite see the possibility of it happening in this life. 

On being corpulent

Had a very heavy lunch. I can only read with grudging admiration about how Skyhawk worships his almost perfect physique (based on his description). And pictures of Eric flaunting his abs in his latest post certainly doesn't help to alleviate my feelings of guilt.

Sigh. How I wish I had the genetic configuration to stay lean like my roommate. He consumes double the amount of calories I do daily. He's a bit too lean. I guess it isn't too far-fetched to say he's skinny, which makes him an object of ridicule at times. He's been spending a fortune on food recently. I can tell he eats for the sake of gaining weight, which seems to be an exercise of futility so far.

I, on the contrary, am struggling to lose weight. I can eat a lot too when my willpower is not strong enough to suppress my ravenous appetite and my insatiable desire for delicious (usually very fattening) food. Yet, I'm different. I really enjoy eating. Whether it's a expensive meal in a plush restaurant or a plate of economical rice which costs me RM 4, I enjoy every bite and every moment of it. I can literally feel the excitation of the gustatory receptors on my tongue and the stimulatory impulses sent to the brain, filling me with immense pleasure.


Me: Kak, nasi separuh ah. Err....kurang sikit. Kurang lagi kurang lagi.


My roommate : Tambah nasi, kak. Tambah lagi. Itu daging banyak sikit. Kuah mau banyak sikit.

So, you can imagine how much mental torture I have to endure whenever I eat out with my roommate. I have to constantly remind myself of the pictures of hot guys in Simonlover's blog just to fortify my determination. Otherwise, I'd be subconsciously consuming the surplus calories my body doesn't need. And not to mention my propensity to buy a piece of croissant or muffin even after a bulky meal.

To me, good food is equally arousing and alluring as hot guys. Haha. Hence, I have a soft spot for guys who bring me to nice places and treat me to good food. *hint*

Nevertheless, in view of my brother's wedding in November and the fat pads which have silently resurfaced on various parts of my body, it's high time to be more disciplined. I hope I can shed a few kilos. It's for my own good too. My corpulence is such a turn off even to myself when I look at my naked self in the mirror, let alone my future boyfriend, who might appear anywhere, anytime.

Oh ya. I came across this on Youtube today. It's a game called Dragon Age. I'm still not sure how it works but I'm certainly going to find out more. =)



Going to watch the Last Airbender in the cinema now. Hope it'll be nice. Enjoy your weekend, guys!

珍惜

现在是凌晨一点零五分。夜深人静。陪伴着我的，只有天花板风扇转动的声音。

刚刚和一个之前追求过自己的男生聊天，勾起了一些回忆和昔日与他相处的画面。

我顿时感到有点悲伤及忧郁。为什么当时要顾虑那么多? 为什么当时那么挑剔？为什么有那么好的男生，我却没有好好地把握？

为什么人总是在失去的时候，才会懂得珍惜？

如今，我并没有想吃回头草的欲望。毕竟，人家现在似乎已经找到了自己的幸福。我承认我对他的感觉并没有很强烈。可是，他的内涵与人格却深深地吸引了我。每当脑海里浮现出他的脸孔时，心悬都会情不自禁地为之波动。可能是当时太注重外表了吧？或是他的男人味不够浓？唉，男性是感官动物的这个事实，任谁也改变不了！

算了。不经一事，不长一智。要是再给我遇到那么好的男人，我就算是赴汤蹈火，也不会放过。

Distancing myself from Ryan

Ryan: Can I hold your hand?



Me: Errr.....

We were in his car. Before I even I had the time to rationalize his sudden and bold attempt to do so, I could already feel the warmth of his palm on mine.

I was flabbergasted.

No. I didn't enjoy it. I didn't feel the jittery rush of adrenaline I experienced when Efkay held my hand in his car. Neither did I have the erection that almost immediately developed when he started caressing my thigh, making my heart beat erratically with extreme excitement and lust.

Ryan's a friend of mine. We've been hanging out pretty much for the past one year. Our relationship, or more precisely, friendship, is completely platonic. He's totally not my type.

I always have the tendency to become very shy in the presence of someone I find hot, or someone who's so my type and whom I have a crush on. I stammer. I blush. I become tongue-tied and clumsy. I say ludicrous things that embarrass me. Sometimes, I feel inferior too, especially if the guy is very attractive. Thousands of thoughts will be racing through my mind. Am I hot today? Does he like the scent of the cologne I'm wearing? Is my tummy still protuberant after a voluntary effort to contract my rectus abdominis muscles hopelessly buried under multiple layers of abdominal fat? Do I look slim? Is my facial fat very obvious? Does he think I'm fat? Do I sound a like no-brainer? Do I look too desperate?  Simply put,  I experience something which can be summed up in a Chinese phrase -- 小鹿乱撞。

I don't really have a gay friend in where I'm studying. I don't have a clan like some of the bloggers. Or a group of best gay friends with whom you occasionally have meals and watch movies together. Hence, I hang out with Ryan for he's the only one who seems to be available. Owing to the fact that I'm not attracted to him physically, sexually and intellectually, I don't feel pressured. I talk whatever I want with him without the fear of being judged. I always meet him in flip-flops and sloppily dressed, unless we are going to places which require us to be dressed to kill.

Despite the numerous hints that he wants something more than friendship, I pay heed to none of them and just play dumb, assuming that he'd be brilliant enough to get the message. I've never exploited his kindness, as in letting him foot the bills when we hang out or buy me gifts, in order not to create a misunderstanding.

So, when Ryan held my hand, I was struck dumb with astonishment and confusion for a few seconds. And I could literally feel my perspiration trickling down my forehead.

I ingeniously switched our topic of conversation and politely pushed his hand away. I told him I wanted to show him the well-healed scar that had formed on my finger after I injured in accidentally 2 weeks ago.

Oh ya. Another thing. In spite of being intermittently horny, I loathe unnecessary physical contact. And for some inexplicable reason, Ryan's been doing that a lot lately, causing me considerable discomfort. He seems to have a particular liking for caressing my shoulders and touching my tummy. And I'm not even muscular or hot to begin with. My urge to warn him against doing that was only prevented by a reluctance to hurt his feelings.

I guess for the time being, I need to distance myself from him temporarily, although this means I might lose a friend and continue to delve deeper into loneliness.  Besides, I need to learn to say no whenever the situation calls for it. My lack of assertiveness has many a time been misconstrued as a form of acceptance and frailty. And that's when people think that their love is requited and make advances (physically).

Aih. My prince, where are you?

On being desperate

I've been feeling very diabetic of late reading how Skyhawk expresses his affection for his boyfriend and vice versa. So sweet and romantic.

Today, I saw Dr. Phuah in the obstetric ward. He's seeing a patient with thyroid disease in pregnancy. In the presence of such a huge distraction, needless to say, I failed to concentrate on clerking my patient.

I got his full name and looking for him on Facebook was the first thing I did after I got back. Disappointingly, he's kissing a girl in his profile picture. That explains why I'm PMS-ing at the moment. Now, the glimmer of hope that he's gay is lost.

I always have the tendency to assume people are gay and fall for them, only to be driven to despair in the end when I discover they're actually not.

I crave for love. I yearn to be hugged and kissed. I fervently wish that I had a boyfriend to whom I can give my body and soul. I wish I didn't have to wrap myself with my comforter and tears in my eyes, imagining that it's the guy I love hugging me.

And I don't know why I always attract people who freak me out and give me a chill of horror that raises good bumps on every square inch of my body. For instance, the immaculately dressed and well-groomed male stranger who followed me out of the changing room of the public pool, placed his arm across my shoulder and asked if we could have a drink. I could see the yearning in his eyes and the temptation rising uncontrollably within me. Yet, the situation was too frightening for me to think of anything kinky.


And not to mention the overtly friendly temple senior, a married man in his 40s and apparently bisexual, who treated me really nice. He bought me expensive meals and gifts. It doesn't take to realize the ulterior motives behind his generosity and kindness when it dawned on me that he'd known I was gay from the very beginning. He saw my gay profile online. Once, I even agreed to stay with him in a hotel as we had to attend an activity in the temple which ended pretty late. My university has an 11 pm curfew. What a close shave! 

Besides, recently, a perverse senior of mine discovered my blog and my identity was exposed soon after. I only suspected this only after he started asking me details of how I masturbate and satisfy my sexual desire out of the blue on Facebook, when in actual fact, I'm not even close to him. My hatred for him became stronger after discovering that Caleb, a junior whom I used to have a crush on, wasn't spared from his harassment as well. Despite my giving him a cold shoulder, he started texting me a few days back. I wonder why he has to approach people in such an eerie way. 

Why is it so hard to attract and arrest the attention of the guys I like? 

Bisexuality

This is just my personal view on bisexualilty as a conservative, old-fashioned, lovesick and desperate gay.

I face a lot discrimination just simply because I'm different.

I'm grappling with a kind of fear unfathomable to my family members and friends. Homosexuality definitely doesn't define me entirely. However, I'm certain that my homophobic friends are just going to label me as gay (if they knew) despite the fact that it's just a minute part of my life. They will condemn you at all cost. All you can do is to silently endure their mockery. Of course, I've never come close to being in such an undesirable situation, but I guess that's roughly how the scenario will be like.

Being different, therefore, has taught me to be less judgmental and more receptive to the differences of other people. If you flip through any psychiatry textbook, you'll be able to find out how many sexual paraphilias human beings are known to have. Beastiality. Paedophilia. Necrophilia. Coprophilia. Sadism. Masochism. Theoretically speaking, these disorders, some of which are illegal, are characterized by sexual impulses, fantasies and practices that're deviant, unusual and bizarre.  They might be psychologically damaged. Nonetheless, frankly speaking, I don't really find them that contemptible. They might be undergoing something I don't understand. I feel the same towards transsexuals, transvestites and last but not least, bisexuals.

Well, as far as I'm concerned, bisexuality per se, is nothing wrong. I don't it's easy for them either to live a double life. To experience so much confusion and deal with so many quandaries and dilemmas.

Yet, I'm pretty sure most of us gays have a deep sense of revulsion against bisexuality principally because bisexuals are notorious for having extra-marital affairs, their disloyalty, toying with our feelings and eventually settling down with the opposite gender, leaving us heartbroken (Little Dove, hugs). They get married and reproduce to to conform to the norms of society and to measure up to their parents' expectations. And in the meantime, they fuck guys. Now, that's what nauseates me.

I sympathize with their wives.

Sometimes, it's so annoying that they have a choice. And they can have everything. Wives. Children. Blessings from their parents and relatives. And a clandestine relationship with a guy. (Drew, I'm not referring to you.) =D

Truth be told, some of them can be really hot. Sizzling hot. Though it's wrong to generalize that all bisexuals are all only into sex, those whom I've come across are into sex with no strings attached. Forbidden fruits aren't supposed to be eaten. The heartbreaks are not worth it.

Ah! If only I had a uterus. If only I were straight.

Obstacles

I always count my blessings for having come across a few charismatic clinicians who impress us immensely with their knowledge and professionalism. Even the way they talk and walk is enough to make me idolize them.

They're always willing to teach even though it's not their duty. They get their points across eloquently in impeccable English and in a way that can hold you spellbound. I emulate them. I tell myself I want to soar like an eagle and be as good as them in future. Sad to say, they're a rare species.

I'm not happy with the hostility displayed by certain doctors. They say things like ' You're not allowed to follow my ward round unless I get a formal letter of permission from your uni ', with a I'm-not-paid-to-teach-you-so-why-should-i? look on their faces. In Malaysia, medical education is under the Ministry of Higher Education, whereas the staff in government hospitals are under the Ministry of Health. Hence, theoretically speaking, they're not responsible for teaching us. Yet, I don't know why they have to be so mean even though we've really humbled ourselves.

I'm not sure if my counterparts in other local universities are facing the same predicament, which certainly poses a great deal of inconvenience to us. There're many limitations which hinder us from learning. This is extremely depressing.

I wish I were outstanding enough to be granted the PSD scholarship. Damn. Why didn't I score an A1 in Chinese? That'd have made me a more eligible applicant. I seethe with jealousy and frustration whenever I see how well some of my brilliant friends are doing abroad. Asking my parents to fork out a substantial amount of their savings to finance my medical education in a private institution just doesn't seem to be a humane thing to do. Consequently, I ended up being somewhere I didn't really like. A place so sparsely populated by gays that I've become unbelievably desperate over the years. A place with many more imperfections which I can't list down here one by one.

Well, there're many things in life which you just have to live with without complaints, mainly because you're given a Hobson's choice.

I'm worried of how graduates from other prestigious universities will look at us when we embark on our medical profession in future. Despite the defective system I'm in, I hope that the discrepancy in terms of quality will not be too obvious.

Guess what I can do now is to optimally utilize whatever I have, see as many patients as I can and study as much as possible. I've got to to stop complaining, relegate thoughts that do me no good to the back of my mind and appreciate what God has bestowed upon me. I always tell myself everything happens for a reason. A defensive mechanism which invariably makes me feel better.

I'll try not to kill after graduation next April.=)