My relationship is not working

Alright. Maybe I lied. Actually, I don't think my relationship is working.

We've been arguing quite intensely with each other lately, apparently due to the lack of compatibility between us.

I remember how desperate I was to find love when I was single back then. Ironically, after having found a seemingly perfect boyfriend, I feel like going back to singlehood.


I can feel that something's not right about my relationship. I'm dragging it on with a lot pain and heartbreaks. If you were to ask me to picture the image of the guy I'd get married to, it's not his face I'd visualize.

Whenever we quarrel, I tend to have the burning desire to break up with him. Sadly, I never have the courage to bring this up to him. And I tell myself that it's okay, Things will be better. Or perhaps, I don't want him to be devastated. Although a break up with him will release me from the immense stress that this relationship has put on me, I know it'll deal a heavy blow to him.

But then, everything has a limit. 

I really hope things will get better.

I'm attached, finally

Am back to blogging again.

I guess the greatest change in my life since I last blogged is that I've got a boyfriend.

We have been together for about 6 months now.

My first relationship ever.

Unavoidably, there have been many ups and downs. Yet, I can confidently say that we're still doing good.

Looks like I ain't that bad when it comes to relationships. Gonna blog more about my relationship in time to come.

By the way, just got back from chilling out with a few friends in Hi-so Pub where the patronizers are mostly gay. Though it's just some obscure pub located in an old building opposite Pavillion, the ambience was great. It felt as though I'd got my gay social life back. Really awesome.

Today's learning point: I should learn to be less self-conscious and just enjoy life.

I'm a bitch

I'm not sure if I have the capability to love.

I don't really know what I actually want. Or perhaps, I'm always in a pursuit of something that only exists in fantasy. A fact about myself that I'm afraid is true.

I used to think that I was some morally high individual who wouldn't get involved in any sex without love. I would  always fantasize of being in a scenario that would involve my having sex with a gorgeous guy and getting dumped by him the following morning. And I'd attempt all sort of tricks to win his heart back only to be rejected in the end.

Ironically, now, I'm the person who gives the other party a cold shoulder after making out. I'm the morally eroded bitch who keeps on rejecting sweet guys who treat me so nice.

God gave me a punishment for being merciless. I've never really met someone with whom I have mutual feelings and near-complete compatibility. There's always something wrong. Either I don't quite like the guy or the guy doesn't quite like me.

F

It was already midnight.

I was partially drunk as he walked me to his car.

Under the faint moonlight, I squinted my eyes and looked hard at the silhouette of the man whom I was on the brink of falling for. And I had the sudden uncanny thought of buying him a bottle of cologne. Perhaps, the one I'm using too.

Just as I boarded his car, he handed a bottle of eau de toilette - F, by Ferragamo.

I was stunned for few miliseconds and laughed at myself deep in my heart.

After he'd dropped me off, I sprinted to my room when his car was out of sigh like a kid with a newly bought ice-cream, and quickly sprayed it on my neck.

Not bad, I thought. Still a little inferior compared to my Clinique's Happy (my most favourite). Yet, I do like the perfume he gave me.

There were a few occasions I disliked certain guys I dated because they didn't wear the right perfume. On the contrary, the right perfume / scent almost always naturally magnifies the liking I have for someone.

To me, smell, does matter.

Sick

I really thought I had dengue fever.

High-grade fever with chills. Headache with retro-orbital pain. Diarrhea and vomiting. Loss of appetite and lethargy. Which perfectly fit the typical presentation of dengue fever.

There I was alone in pitch darkness, covered under my blanket and tolerating what felt like the worst headache I'd ever experienced in my life. Despite the words of concerns that I'd received from McVet and Ambrocius, I couldn't help but feel extremely lonely.

I thought of the old spinster whom I attended to during my 2-week feat in the high-dependency ward. She passed away mainly because of poor family support. It seemed her family members weren't very close to her. She had multiple co-morbidites. Hypothyrodism. Congestive heart failure. Hospital-acquired pneumonia. And also acute on chronic renal failure. And the saddening part was we couldn't dialyse her because no one in her family agreed for it. My specialist said it'd be pointless to dialyse her too if no one's send her for follow-up in future.

I saw her wither away. On BiPAP. Day by day. Occasionally, when I examined her, she'd tell me she wanted to see her elder sister, who works as a dish cleaner in some restaurant. However, there's nothing we could do except to support her the best we could medically.

A few days before I left HDW, her heart just ceased to continue beating.

Obviously, I'm going to grow old like her. Unmarried without offspring. And with family members and relatives I might probably be estranged from.

Will I die as tragically as her? I mean, to say the truth, she would have ameliorated clinically if she had undergone some sort of renal replacement therapy. Yet, when you delve deeper into the social issues of your patients, you'll realize that what you can do as a doctor is limited.

Yeah. I know. It's normal to think of all kind of nonsense when you're sick and alone.

But, thanks God. I got better today. Hopefully, it's just some non-lethal viral fever.

I didn't even have the guts to go have my full blood count and dengue serology taken. Getting warded is the last thing I need at the moment. Guess it's true when they say that doctors make the worst patients.

A day of being a Tai Tai

Had my lunch at Ben's, KLCC yesterday and went to an orchestra after that.

The guy who brought me there explained to me with much enthusiasm regarding the stories behind the pieces. I admit there were awkward moments when I pretended that I understood. Haha. But, on the whole, it's awesome. I didn't feel bored. Very interesting, in fact. I love the posh interior, the graceful moves of the conductor and the performance by the prodigies. Had I learnt music since young, I'd have appreciated it better.

Felt a bit apologetic though because I was late. I didn't know what to wear for an orchestra. Realized that the only pair of presentable pants I got was torn. So, I actually rushed to Zara to get a pair of pants 15 minutes before the orchestra began. I'm sorry, if my vanity annoys you.

Had our astronomically priced British high-tea at Harrods. I had scones for the first time in my life. They tasted marvelous together with some sort of cream with a fancy name I can't remember at the moment. Well, you can't blame a small-town kid who hasn't been to the UK for being excited over scones. 

When I related to Niz about my new passion for scones during dinner, he told me with a tone of scorn that they're sold in Cold Storage. But, I doubt they're as good.

I'm glad to have met guys who bring me to nice places and restaurants that make me feel happy internally. Which also makes me increasingly intolerant towards  guys who actually bring me to KFC on our first dates. Unbelievable. Not that I mind eating cheap food. I certainly can't afford to eat at Ben's and Harrods on a daily basis. Nevertheless, it's the effort that counts.

Drove to Cheras for a drink with my gay doctor friends. Nothing extraordinary. The only thing about it that's unforgettable was Adrian's haughty look on my tummy. Fine. I don't have the flattest tummy on earth. To make matters worse, I've even received comments that I'm a bear in the making. Hot bottoms are just plain irritating, especially during times when my market value is depreciating. 

Never mind. However unattractive and bearish I might seem to certain people, I must have confidence.

 一定要把全场hold住！:)

Too gay

Before graduation, a few close batch mates and I actually vowed to opt for the same hospital ( one of the busiest in JB) for our housemanship.

But then, I betrayed them. 

I appealed for a hospital in KL during our induction programme. And I succeeded. Miraculously.

For 5 years in university, I was tortured by their homophobia. My circle of friends was pretty small and hence, they're the ones I spent most of the time with. 

I totally had no opportunity to display even the tiniest bit of the homosexual part of me.

When I dated guys, I had to choose the perfect timing and location at which I knew they wouldn't appear. I studied in a small town and I didn't want to be seen with a fit and gayly handsome guy. That would raise suspicion, right?

Therefore, 5 years is enough. That's it.

So, here I am in KL, a city bustling with gay life in my home country. The most dramatic thing that has occurred in my life here is that, I don't have straight friends now. I've just realized that. In the past, I used to always lament over not having enough gay friends. Nonetheless, at present, it's the other way round. I only hang out with gay friends. A overly gay phenomenon that worries me.

I don't mix with my colleagues after work. My straight colleagues I mean. Maybe I'm gotten too gay that I've forgotten how to socialize with straight people. 

And hey, I'm still single. Yes, I know. I Grindr. They're so many gay doctors around me. I have a gay roommate. My floor mates next door are gay. The cardiologist is gay. Gay nurses. Gay medical officers. Gay housemen. I see them almost every day. 

Perhaps, I'm just hopelessly obsolete when it comes to love. 

Oh ya, on a separate note, I haven't really been a good boy here, if you know what I mean. Kinda saddening. Coz I'm no longer an innocent guy with cherries no one dares to pop.