Work

I'm working.

Yet, I don't feel like I'm working.

I feel as if I am medical student with many many responsibilities. The good thing is, I get paid.

Haha. However, it's kinda stressful to realize that now, whatever I do or decide, no matter how insignificant it appears to be, does affect my patients. 

Medicine is a unique a profession that involves a lot of sacrifice that other people may not be able to understand. Most of the time, you don't get to wait and see. Many things need to be attended to instantly or as soon as possible, depending of the level of severity, even if it means forgoing a meal or skipping a social function planned earlier.

Well, you'll be surprised how ungrateful certain patients can be.

In the first week of my career, I had two episodes of nervous breakdowns. I cried almost every night. I was physically drained due to the unbearably long tagging hours. And not to mention the culture shock that I, a small town boy, had to face in the city of Kuala Lumpur. 

Adjustment disorder? 

I was on the verge of falling into depression. But thanks God, I survived the most trying period. Never thought that I had that amount of determination and tenacity in me.

I'm fairly okay now, despite the terrible calls I've been having. 

I feel I've aged.

But, I don't feel like I'm working. I feel like I'm doing what I've been given the honour to do. With the limited ability to alter a disease process to a certain extent. Kinda fun. :)

Eager to work

Inexplicably, for the time being, I actually look forward to working. Not sure if it's because of the boredom that's slowly devouring me from the inside or the lack of social life in my hometown.

So, in a few weeks' time, I'll be called for the induction programme, after which I'll start working as a house officer ie. junior doctor, an uphill battle nothing in med school could really prepare me for. Frankly, I didn't graduate from a very prestigious institution. Will I still need to face the occasional jeerings and  blatant discrimination which I've been silently enduring?

Sometimes, you know that the derision or scoffing are not directed at you. But, you still feel the ginormous effect stemming from it. It takes away all your confidence and self-esteem. Ah! If only I was born with a silver spoon in the mouth. Yet, on a positive note, it makes you stronger. In fact, I believe that there'll come a day in future when I can proudly redeem myself and allay their doubts about my competency. 

What's more, rumour has it that compassion and a good attitude are qualities that come first before knowledge. Though I'm not sure what 'good' actually encompasses, I needn't worry much I guess. 

Maybe, I should just keep an open mind and venture into the profession which has partially lost the prestige and nobility it used to have. Having said that, it's still going to be a whole new world with a million things to learn, explore and experience.  And I'll meet new people, make new friends and perhaps, a gay neurosurgeon  destined to fall head over heels for me. Just a joke. But, you never know. And I wonder if the stories of gay housemen banging each other while on-call at night are true. 

Whatever it is, I'm expecting a weight loss of 5 kg in the first month of housemanship and a working environment akin to the gay version of Grey's Anatomy. And I hope I won't become the kind of doctor I don't want myself to be - a doctor devoid of compassion and who denigrates patients behind their backs.