Hanging out with Caleb

I decided to come out to Dan two days ago after months of deliberation.

The much coveted chance of hanging out with Caleb finally came yesterday. I was so elated. Of course, Dan was with us too. In fact, Dan's the one who planned the whole thing and asked me out. So, apparently, he had no trouble accepting the truth about my sexual preference.

Caleb's startling talkativeness was similar to the pressure of speech noted the patients with bipolar mood disorder in manic phase in the ward. I didn't know he could be so talkative. He asked me a lot questions. And I could hardly keep up with his tempo while admiring the mesmerizing beauty of this smile. Well, is that a sign that we've known each other better and become closer?

Caleb’s cute. He’s brainy, lean and almost as tall as I am. He was very nicely dressed yesterday which made me even more ecstatic. Pink T-shirt. Nice jeans. A pair of Adidas shoes. Oh, did I mention I once saw Caleb topless from afar by accident? Haha. Scrumptious!

I did come clean to Dan about my liking for Caleb. He warned me that I might be disappointed.

I know how heart-wrenching it is to confess your love to a straight guy only to be brutally rejected. My past experiences have taught me well. At times, I don’t understand why I’d squander my time on falling for straight guys while I have a list of potential gay guys to choose from.

I don’t want to invest hope in something that’s unattainable. It’s exhausting and in the end, no one will get hurt but me.

Caleb, I like you.

Let this just be an infatuation that will dwindle into nothing with the passing of time. I’m penning this down so that I can have something sweet to reminisce and to laugh at when I'm grappling with osteoarthritis as my hair turns white.

That friendly doctor

Medical students are lowest down the food chain in the ward. The hospital staff are always busy attending to the patients and rarely pay heed to our presence. Yet, I have to say that some of them can be very mean at times. They never hesitate to greet us with smiles that convey derision and answer our questions in a belligerent manner.

So, I was very glad when Dr. W actually took the initiative to talk to us and teach us things we didn’t know. He’s a house officer in the Department of Orthopaedics then.

There’s once he helped us get the permission from the specialist in the minor operating theatre so that we could enter to observe the procedure. He showed me the sunburst appearance of the streaks of new bone radiating outwards from the cortex on the X-ray film of the patient’s wrist with osteosarcoma ( the commonest primary bone malignancy). And that’s the first sunburst appearance I’d ever seen in my life. I also remember he helped me with the clerking of an unfriendly patient with lumbar spondylosis.

He’s small in size and sort of adorable. Well, apparently, he wasn’t as knowledgeable and formidably intelligent as Dr. Edmond. However, I was very fond of the former due to his humility and friendliness. I guess the last time we met was when we went to see him to have the remaining empty spaces in our logbooks signed the week before our exam.

If you guys had been reading the news, you’d have heard about 3 house officers who perished in a tragic car accident on the Land below the Wind a week before Lunar New Year. And, Dr. W’s one of them.

I sputtered in disbelief when I was told about the misfortune that befell the young aspiring doctor who’d just freed himself from 5 years of torment in med school. It must have been utterly devastating for his family members and those who knew him.

We were not friends. There was not much interaction between us. But, my heart ached.

May you rest in peace, Dr W.

Lunar New Year

How's everyone celebrating Lunar New Year?

Wanted to write a lengthy post on how I celebrated CNY and my birthday. But, I guess i just didn't have the time. Was back for only 5 days.

My 23rd birthday is kinda special as I had the opportunity to blow the candles twice.

It's 3.30 am and we're gambling in Boon Ai's house. At the very moment when I thought my birthday had been forgotten, the lights were switched off and the host emerged from the darkness with 2 slices of cakes with lit candles on them. How sweet!

20 hours later, Nemo and Fang Lian came to my house with a Secret Recipe cake. There's a gathering in my house that night. And I really didn't see that coming. I was more than elated to have another round of cake-cutting and wish-making.

I bet you know how it feels when people actually remember your birthday and give you pleasant surprises. Besides, you know who really mean it when they say they care about you. I was kinda awkward and appeared blunted when everyone's singing around me. Yet, deep down in my heart, I was touched. My thoughts sorta reeled back to the moments when we're in high school. I miss the days when we studied like mad to ace in examinations and how we motivated one another. I miss the intense fear I felt before I sat for a paper. I miss the 3 guys I fell in love with but never had the chance to confess. I miss eating Nasi Lemak with Kelvin after Azurani's class. I miss Additional Mathematics and Chemistry. I miss debating. I miss the first blowjob in my life (though it was less than satisfactory), thanks to Kelvin. I miss fooling around with my classmates. I miss my graduation trip.

Except for the fact that I was outrageously fat, I had an otherwise happy adolescence. The memories I had during that period of time will never be obliterated from my mind.

Now, it seems almost everyone has got a stable relationship. It's not surprising at all to see everyone get married in a few years' time. And obviously, I'll be the one constantly bombarded with such questions as ' Where's your girlfriend? ' , 'Why you still don't have girlfriend ah? ', ' You so *toot* also nobody wants ah?', ' Are you gay?' and so on.

I'm not sure if we'll have gatherings of this scale in future when everyone's got his or her own family, career and kids. I don't know if I'll be gradually forgotten but right now what I can do is to cherish what I have.

God, let me pass my Psychiatry exam next week and please make Caleb gay. If the latter is not possible, get me a replacement by my next birthday. =)

Male bonding

I've become unbelievably close to Dan. Just like Caleb, Dan’s my junior as well. In fact, both of them are actually roommates.

The first time we talked was on Facebook, I remember. Didn’t pay much attention to him initially. However, what I thought was a formal greeting from a junior surprisingly led to the formation of a special bond between us. Before I realized what was going on, we’re already sending each other text messages containing a colossal amount of flirtation.

Our conversations mainly revolved around the mundane things of day-to-day life. Nevertheless, he was astoundingly bold in the way he flirted with me, as if he’d known my liking for guys. He wrote things that made me go gaga, things that a straight guy would certainly not say to another guy.

I could feel the authenticity of his sincerity and the care he’d shown towards me. He paid heed to everything little thing I mentioned. When I was doing Community Medicine Posting in a very provincial town, he surprised me with a piece of honey cake when he visited. He bought me an egg tart once to boost my spirits when he knew my mood was low. He bought me croissants because I said I liked them. He coaxed me into seeing a doctor when I was sick and treated me to an ice-cream to ensure my compliance to my medication. He motivated me when I was demoralized. He gave me wake-up calls whenever I needed one. We’d even watched a movie together, just the two of us.

It felt real, I must concede. Even till now, I think we behave like a couple more than friends at times. I’m not sure what he’s up to. Maybe, he just needs a brotherly figure to compensate for the loneliness he feels as the only child in his family.

I might have fallen for him. Yet, my rational self always gets the better of me. And fortunately, I still have Caleb to cling on to emotionally.

Dan has a girlfriend, by the way.

Gotta be cautious though. Being the most notorious pervert in med school who flirts with juniors of the same sex isn’t really a social stigma I’m very fond of.

The ice was broken

Went to gym with Dan and Caleb yesterday. And to my amazement, I was able to strike up a conversation with him. Well, I have to thank Dan for this. His presence did help to boost my courage a bit. Yet, I can sense that Caleb still looks a bit shy or uneasy when talking to me. I don't know if it's me who's being too bold or it's his nature to not open up to people whom he doesn't know well.

At the moment, I feel a deep sense of achievement. However, there's no room for complacency. Attempts to establish a closer bond with Caleb will begin in earnest from today onwards.

Chinese New Year is nearing. Everyone's in CNY mood. Haven't studied my books and notes for the past few days. Psychiatry isn't really my cup of tea anyway. Can't wait to fly home.

Mom called to inform that my flight this Friday had been delayed by a few hours. And I was kinda touched when she asked me what I wanted for my birthday which would fall on the auspicious day of Chor Yat, which also happens to be Valentine's Day. I was told that my siblings were also willing to chip in. Well, occasionally, I do crave for an i-Phone or a brand new laptop. Nevertheless, it'd be very unfilial of me to demand such an expensive from my parents whom I'm still financially dependent on.

Well, can I have Caleb as my present? ;-)

Follicular tonsilitis

Have been terribly sick for the past 2 days. High-grade fever. Painful swallowing. Bad breath. And tender lymph nodes. My tonsils have always troubled me since I was small. I really hate them.

Dan has been very caring and sweet. He went to the extent of accompanying me to see a doctor and treating me to an ice-cream as an encouragement for me to comply to my medication.

From the text messages that Dan sent me, I'm pretty sure that he's bisexual. At least, he's into guys. Hmm. But, all I could think of was Caleb.

Caleb, Caleb.

Dan told me last night that a friend of his told him I was cute. I prayed for a moment that it was Caleb. Sad to say, it wasn't him, but some female junior whom I barely know.

Sigh.

Hope I'll recover soon.

Caleb, again.

I'm very close to Dan, who happens to be Caleb's roommate.

I volunteered to buy him lunch just now on the pretext of wanting to tapau for Caleb too. The food in the cafeteria is so horrible that I wonder how they survive on it for the past 2 years. They don't have their own transport. So, I guess they don't have a choice at times.

Well, disappointingly, Dan told me that Caleb was kinda shy to accept my offer as we don't know each other very well yet.

I find myself subconsciously visiting Caleb's Facebook profile for the past few weeks. I wonder how I can attract him. I wonder if he's gay. I wonder how I can give him a hint that I'm gay without actually telling him. I wonder how I can get closer to him.

I probably just have a crush on him. Despite the fact that the infatuation will somehow wane after a few dismal attempts to approach him, I still wanted to scribble my feelings towards him here.

Anyway, is there anyone out there who has a non-dysfunctional gaydar? =)

Caleb

I think I like him.

This is the first time I feel that way toward someone who's younger than me.

The name's Caleb and he's my junior.