We were jerked forward by the inertia brought on by the sudden impact. I could hear a deafening thud simultaneously with the sound of shattering glass which completely dumbfounded me. The collision had already occurred before I could successfully bring my car to a halt.
Fear pervaded the air. Staying calm seemed to be an absolute impossibility. By the time I regained my composure, I realized that my heart was thumping erratically. I was perspiring profusely. The crippling hunger I felt during my lecture an hour ago had vanished. I didn't know how long my sympathetic nervous system had been activated. But, I did know we weren't catapulted out of the car nor injured.
The mishap took place at a roundabout in the heart of the city which immediately led to a traffic thrombosis. I'd always had the inclination to mercilessly curse people who got involved in an accident during peak hours which congested the already very stagnant traffic. The time for karmic payment had come, I thought.
A middle-aged man emerged unscathed from the Kembara I'd just rammed headlong into. The situation looked as if I was entirely at fault. But, thanks God, he didn't look barbaric.
My roommate, the only passenger, and I alighted the car. The driver of the Kembara alleged that I shouldn't have driven too fast. I shrugged my shoulders and didn't even bother to initiate an argument. I have to clarify here that although I can confidently defend a diagnosis I've made for a patient with justifications, generally speaking, I'm never good at arguing. I'm always the one who loses in an argument or quarrel. Guess I just wasn't born with the fundamental qualities a criminal lawyer must possess.
His mechanic arrived while we're busy making phone calls to seek others' opinions as to how the situation should be dealt with. And his mechanic was hot, damn it. He unintentionally lifted his shirt in front of me. I could see his beautiful six-pack and treasure trail. Or did he do that intentionally? How does he know I'm gay? Is this some sort of strategy to dupe me into giving in to his baseless accusation and to pay the unjustifiable compensation he had demanded for?
To be continued.
Saturday, September 25, 2010
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Why?
Allow me to sound immature. Just once.
I feel extremely stupid today.
Isn't medicine supposed to be a noble profession?
But, why does everyone seem to have his or her own hidden agenda?
Why does everyone seem so self-centred?
Shouldn't knowledge be shared?
Why are brilliant people so difficult to mix with?
Why do certain people who seem so benign and friendly can suddenly become so selfish?
Why am I always among the unfortunate who're victimized?
Am I being too sensitive and kiasu?
Am I being too naive?
Now, I believe that there ain't no one in this world who'll stand by you and always look out for you like your mother.
Let me anger and hatred consume me. For today.
Let me translate my grudges and negative emotions into voiceless words here, the only place I can express my frustration without the fear of being judged.
I will grow emotionally stronger from tomorrow onwards.
But, I do not want to be like them. I do not want to lose my innocence and naivete.
I want to be remembered as the naive boy who's so enthusiastic about weight loss but invariably becomes orally indisciplined on seeing appetizing food and extremely remorseful after the reactionary binge.
If I can how my concern to patients without expecting any sort of reciprocation, I believe I can do the same to my colleagues.
子曰：“君子周而不比，小人比而不周 。”
学业上的竞争及现实生活中不必要的尔虞我诈， 真是令人筋疲力尽。
我决定把心胸拉阔。缩小自己。不在乎那么多。就算是吃了亏，也无所谓。尽了力就好。
I feel extremely stupid today.
Isn't medicine supposed to be a noble profession?
But, why does everyone seem to have his or her own hidden agenda?
Why does everyone seem so self-centred?
Shouldn't knowledge be shared?
Why are brilliant people so difficult to mix with?
Why do certain people who seem so benign and friendly can suddenly become so selfish?
Why am I always among the unfortunate who're victimized?
Am I being too sensitive and kiasu?
Am I being too naive?
Now, I believe that there ain't no one in this world who'll stand by you and always look out for you like your mother.
Let me anger and hatred consume me. For today.
Let me translate my grudges and negative emotions into voiceless words here, the only place I can express my frustration without the fear of being judged.
I will grow emotionally stronger from tomorrow onwards.
But, I do not want to be like them. I do not want to lose my innocence and naivete.
I want to be remembered as the naive boy who's so enthusiastic about weight loss but invariably becomes orally indisciplined on seeing appetizing food and extremely remorseful after the reactionary binge.
If I can how my concern to patients without expecting any sort of reciprocation, I believe I can do the same to my colleagues.
子曰：“君子周而不比，小人比而不周 。”
学业上的竞争及现实生活中不必要的尔虞我诈， 真是令人筋疲力尽。
我决定把心胸拉阔。缩小自己。不在乎那么多。就算是吃了亏，也无所谓。尽了力就好。
Friday, September 17, 2010
DotA
As far as I can recollect, I started playing DotA when I was still in the pre-university phase of my life.
There's a bunch of hot hunks from Jit Sin High School who're all DotA freaks. Well, I guess what kindled my interest in playing the game was self-explanatory. When you're a teenager, your peers have a colossal influence on what you do because you want to fit in and not be the social outcast everyone shuns. I even played futsal with them. However, it's a harrowing experience. I must admit that ' atheletic ' is not exactly an adjective I'd describe myself with.
Nevertheless, playing DotA has inconceivably become one of my most favourite pastimes at present. It's not just the game or the ecstasy you experience when you kill an enemy with skills and tactics that develop only after years of practice for noobs like me. Or the recuperative powers it promises after an exhausting examination week. Apart from the indisputable fact that it's the cheapest entertainment you can ever get, it fosters good relationships between my friends and I.
Similar to most guys in general, I'm just another colonial animal incapable of functioning well socially on a solitary basis. The complications that invariably arose in my history of befriending straight guys necessitate no further explanations here. Therefore, DotA, to me, is the equivalent of a friendship lubricant which has played a crucial role in helping me establish a good rapport with my friends in university. Friends whom I can walk with in pride, sending an implicit message to others that we're a group of buddies indispensable from one another. Furthermore, it has also helped me reconnect with my old friends.
Playing DotA is somewhat analogous to drug intoxication. You can momentarily forget about the abysmal fact that you just gained a pound or that the hunk you've been stalking online is officially ignoring you. You become engulfed in euphoria and rapture. On top of that, you feel a deep sense of togetherness and comradeship which stems from the team work that naturally exists among your teammates when the game is going on.
Thanks to DotA and Garena, I've become a regular patron of cybercafes. We can literally spend a century in them, especially those with an interior similar to that of a spaceship. One thing I like about cybercafes is the sight of thuggish twinks with ear studs, tattoos and ludicrously dyed hair, often heard yelling at one another with profanities.
The exciting thing is, many of them are appallingly hunky and hot. Which is the part that totally trumps my fear for my unnecessary exposure to passive smoking that increases my risk of suffering from bronchial carcinoma.
Gang fights are not uncommon. As risible and infantile it may sound, a defeat or loss in a virtual war can fuel anger and dissatisfaction strong enough to induce a gang fight. I personally witnessed one in a a cybercafe in Genting Klang a few months back. One from which Keng and I almost suffered collateral damage from had we not fled in time.
May the game always be in vogue.
There's a bunch of hot hunks from Jit Sin High School who're all DotA freaks. Well, I guess what kindled my interest in playing the game was self-explanatory. When you're a teenager, your peers have a colossal influence on what you do because you want to fit in and not be the social outcast everyone shuns. I even played futsal with them. However, it's a harrowing experience. I must admit that ' atheletic ' is not exactly an adjective I'd describe myself with.
Nevertheless, playing DotA has inconceivably become one of my most favourite pastimes at present. It's not just the game or the ecstasy you experience when you kill an enemy with skills and tactics that develop only after years of practice for noobs like me. Or the recuperative powers it promises after an exhausting examination week. Apart from the indisputable fact that it's the cheapest entertainment you can ever get, it fosters good relationships between my friends and I.
Similar to most guys in general, I'm just another colonial animal incapable of functioning well socially on a solitary basis. The complications that invariably arose in my history of befriending straight guys necessitate no further explanations here. Therefore, DotA, to me, is the equivalent of a friendship lubricant which has played a crucial role in helping me establish a good rapport with my friends in university. Friends whom I can walk with in pride, sending an implicit message to others that we're a group of buddies indispensable from one another. Furthermore, it has also helped me reconnect with my old friends.
Playing DotA is somewhat analogous to drug intoxication. You can momentarily forget about the abysmal fact that you just gained a pound or that the hunk you've been stalking online is officially ignoring you. You become engulfed in euphoria and rapture. On top of that, you feel a deep sense of togetherness and comradeship which stems from the team work that naturally exists among your teammates when the game is going on.
Thanks to DotA and Garena, I've become a regular patron of cybercafes. We can literally spend a century in them, especially those with an interior similar to that of a spaceship. One thing I like about cybercafes is the sight of thuggish twinks with ear studs, tattoos and ludicrously dyed hair, often heard yelling at one another with profanities.
The exciting thing is, many of them are appallingly hunky and hot. Which is the part that totally trumps my fear for my unnecessary exposure to passive smoking that increases my risk of suffering from bronchial carcinoma.
Gang fights are not uncommon. As risible and infantile it may sound, a defeat or loss in a virtual war can fuel anger and dissatisfaction strong enough to induce a gang fight. I personally witnessed one in a a cybercafe in Genting Klang a few months back. One from which Keng and I almost suffered collateral damage from had we not fled in time.
May the game always be in vogue.
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Interracial?
Went to a Hari Raya open house today at the local stadium today with my juniors.
Flirting online in Malay isn't easy too. I even made an effort to learn the commonly used abbreviations, which, frankly speaking, could be pretty mind-boggling.
The food was awesome. There's a myriad variety of mouth-watering traditional Malay delicacies and food. There's a deluge of people from different racial backgrounds. I envied those who glowed with health despite the amount calories they were consuming. Isn't it ironical that when you go to places where the more fattening food is served, you tend to see more people who're radiant with health and with a body shape so perfect that they exude sex appeal?
Of course, there were gluttons who were downing as much food as they could, disregarding the detrimental effect the kilocalories had had on their body mass indices. I saw a lot greedy people who tapau-ed when they were leaving. I saw the neurosurgeon queuing up for food. I saw my professor and quickly avoided him because I did a gross mistake in my gynaecology long case exam and I had no guts to face him.
I also saw a lot of Malay guys.
I've never pictured myself in an interracial relationship. Although love has always been likened to something borderless that transcends race, creed and beliefs, it's a different story altogether when you're talking about intimacy or a long-term relationship. However, I can't deny the fact that I do find some of them hot. I mean, the hot ones, are hot. I realize that some of them actually have a striking resemblance to the Latinos I've seen in porn. I also find flirting in Malay kinky. But of course, I suck at it.
I've got only one gay friend who's Malay, that's AZ. He's one of the nicest people I've met. Thanks to him, I got to know several hot Malay gay air-stewards, albeit superficially. There's once we had supper with his friends at a mamak stall in Kelana Jaya. I totally failed to blend in. My spoken Malay sounds weird. I don't have the accent. I felt autistic, as though there's a shroud of mist between us that hampered our communication despite my one-sided urge to socialize. I wish I could imitate their accent. They looked so lively and adorable when they spoke their beautifully accented version of Malay. I think I must have looked very ridiculous and constipated.
Flirting online in Malay isn't easy too. I even made an effort to learn the commonly used abbreviations, which, frankly speaking, could be pretty mind-boggling.
Rest assured, they'll only remain an object of desire I'll always be curious and fantasize about.
Friday, September 10, 2010
Absence makes the heart grow fonder
We didn't play paintball last Sunday due to the torrential downpour when we arrived at the venue. The game was postponed to this morning.
The game was enjoyable. I could feel a sense of camaraderie as we fought against our opponents on the battlefield. The only thing that irked me was my lack of agility, attributable to my relatively enormous size which made me an easy target. For a moment, I wished there's a weaponry shop just like in DotA from which I could purchase an Eaglehorn to increase my agility or a Lothar's edge which would enable me to become invisible and evade the onslaught of pellets.
We did pretty well in the beginning but in the the end, we actually lost to an opponent team which only comprised girls, one of whom is my fag hag, Alicia. It's extremely humiliating. Living in a society where male chauvinism is still deeply entrenched, I couldn't help but feel that our loss was an utter disgrace. Perhaps, the game has got more to do with precision, speed and agility - which I'm devoid of - than the gender of the participants.
We had lunch in a restaurant. We hardly hang out in such a huge group these days since we've got different postings. Alicia sat opposite me.
Alicia's the only person among us who knows I'm gay. We're pretty good friends. I kinda like her because she outperforms me in almost everything. Studies, singing, debating, public speaking, drawing, dancing, general knowledge, Mathematics and the list goes on. To recapitulate, she's formidable and intimidating. Which explains why she has difficulty finding a boyfriend despite her beauty. Any straight guy would have felt daunted, I guess, unless he's talented and intellectually up to par.
But then, I always tell her that she shouldn't be choosy and that it's impossible to meet a perfect guy with a package of good physique and intelligence as well as all the qualities she wanted. In fact, nowadays, female doctors are NOT the type of girls straight guys will consciously choose to date. I guess the reason is obvious. Correct me if I'm wrong.
The reason that we can be on the same wavelength is that I'm viscerally metrosexual. As contradictory as it may sound, I don't really mind being outwitted by her. Maybe, I'm gay. Hence, I don't care that much. When I hang out with her, I don't have to be the gentleman. I can remove my mask and be my genuine self. In fact, what takes me aback is that, sometimes, she's the knight in shining armour who protects me, making me feel like a complete bottom, which I don't think I am, technically speaking.
During lunch, Alicia regaled us with stories of my quirks when I lived with her during orthopaedics posting and how I liked to wander in the house clad only in a piece of towel. I suddenly miss all the squables and bickering matches we used to have.
Absence does make the heart grow fonder.
Alicia : 吃那么多？不是在减肥吗？
Me: 不减了。我没有了''目标''。没有了''理想''。没有了减肥的理由。
Alicia: 就是这样，才必须更积极啊！
She knows how desperate I am for a boyfriend. We tend to use subtle words with hidden meanings when we communicate with each other to avert suspicion. I thought for a few seconds and realized that what she said actually made sense. Maybe, do gay guys tend to shy away from dorky med students like me too?
I'm going to play basketball now. Enjoy your weekend. Selamat Hairy Raya, especially to Ameer Zachery. =)
The game was enjoyable. I could feel a sense of camaraderie as we fought against our opponents on the battlefield. The only thing that irked me was my lack of agility, attributable to my relatively enormous size which made me an easy target. For a moment, I wished there's a weaponry shop just like in DotA from which I could purchase an Eaglehorn to increase my agility or a Lothar's edge which would enable me to become invisible and evade the onslaught of pellets.
We did pretty well in the beginning but in the the end, we actually lost to an opponent team which only comprised girls, one of whom is my fag hag, Alicia. It's extremely humiliating. Living in a society where male chauvinism is still deeply entrenched, I couldn't help but feel that our loss was an utter disgrace. Perhaps, the game has got more to do with precision, speed and agility - which I'm devoid of - than the gender of the participants.
We had lunch in a restaurant. We hardly hang out in such a huge group these days since we've got different postings. Alicia sat opposite me.
Alicia's the only person among us who knows I'm gay. We're pretty good friends. I kinda like her because she outperforms me in almost everything. Studies, singing, debating, public speaking, drawing, dancing, general knowledge, Mathematics and the list goes on. To recapitulate, she's formidable and intimidating. Which explains why she has difficulty finding a boyfriend despite her beauty. Any straight guy would have felt daunted, I guess, unless he's talented and intellectually up to par.
But then, I always tell her that she shouldn't be choosy and that it's impossible to meet a perfect guy with a package of good physique and intelligence as well as all the qualities she wanted. In fact, nowadays, female doctors are NOT the type of girls straight guys will consciously choose to date. I guess the reason is obvious. Correct me if I'm wrong.
The reason that we can be on the same wavelength is that I'm viscerally metrosexual. As contradictory as it may sound, I don't really mind being outwitted by her. Maybe, I'm gay. Hence, I don't care that much. When I hang out with her, I don't have to be the gentleman. I can remove my mask and be my genuine self. In fact, what takes me aback is that, sometimes, she's the knight in shining armour who protects me, making me feel like a complete bottom, which I don't think I am, technically speaking.
During lunch, Alicia regaled us with stories of my quirks when I lived with her during orthopaedics posting and how I liked to wander in the house clad only in a piece of towel. I suddenly miss all the squables and bickering matches we used to have.
Absence does make the heart grow fonder.
Alicia : 吃那么多？不是在减肥吗？
Me: 不减了。我没有了''目标''。没有了''理想''。没有了减肥的理由。
Alicia: 就是这样，才必须更积极啊！
She knows how desperate I am for a boyfriend. We tend to use subtle words with hidden meanings when we communicate with each other to avert suspicion. I thought for a few seconds and realized that what she said actually made sense. Maybe, do gay guys tend to shy away from dorky med students like me too?
I'm going to play basketball now. Enjoy your weekend. Selamat Hairy Raya, especially to Ameer Zachery. =)
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
First day of the new posting
Fetched TB from the airport last night. He looked high-spirited and so immersed in love as usual. He flew back to hometown to meet his girlfriend.
Wish I had a boyfriend to go back to too during my holidays. It's rumoured that he'll be getting married next year. All of a sudden, I felt so depressed. And, not surprisingly, desperate.
Today's fun. Internal medicine is fun. It always reminds me that the irrevocable decision I made years ago to apply for med school was right. Well, perhaps, I don't quite fancy the exam part. As a matter of fact, I'm always at a loss whenever it comes to neurology. Yet, generally speaking, internal medicine is always one of my most favourite subjects. I do hope I can be come a physician in future.
I offered to present a case during the bedside-teaching by an internal lecturer today. The one who's supposed to refuse to. I don't know what's there to be afraid of. It's presenting the history and physical findings in an exam-oriented manner and in the fashion lecturers like. Sometimes, I resent being in the same group with mediocre people who piss me off with their cavalier and lackadaisical attitude. This is when I wish I were grouped together with those who're slightly more kiasu. They're always on the prowl and in a desperate search for patients with good signs. Kiasu-ism is not tantamount to self-centredness or selfishness. You actually learn things from them. There's positive competition. Sometimes, you develop a symbiotic relationship with them. Sometimes, you realize how far you're lagging behind in terms of knowledge as well as the need to buck up and strive harder.
The 64-year-old guy I clerked today had liver cirrhosis due to chronic hepatitis B infection besides other concomitant medical diseases such as diabetes mellitus.
I actually noticed in the case note that he was having Fournier gangrene.
Fournier gangrene is a necrotizing infection involving the soft tissues of the male genitalia. The predisposing factors include diabetes mellitus and cirrhosis.
I need to eat less doughnuts and croissants.
Wish I had a boyfriend to go back to too during my holidays. It's rumoured that he'll be getting married next year. All of a sudden, I felt so depressed. And, not surprisingly, desperate.
Today's fun. Internal medicine is fun. It always reminds me that the irrevocable decision I made years ago to apply for med school was right. Well, perhaps, I don't quite fancy the exam part. As a matter of fact, I'm always at a loss whenever it comes to neurology. Yet, generally speaking, internal medicine is always one of my most favourite subjects. I do hope I can be come a physician in future.
I offered to present a case during the bedside-teaching by an internal lecturer today. The one who's supposed to refuse to. I don't know what's there to be afraid of. It's presenting the history and physical findings in an exam-oriented manner and in the fashion lecturers like. Sometimes, I resent being in the same group with mediocre people who piss me off with their cavalier and lackadaisical attitude. This is when I wish I were grouped together with those who're slightly more kiasu. They're always on the prowl and in a desperate search for patients with good signs. Kiasu-ism is not tantamount to self-centredness or selfishness. You actually learn things from them. There's positive competition. Sometimes, you develop a symbiotic relationship with them. Sometimes, you realize how far you're lagging behind in terms of knowledge as well as the need to buck up and strive harder.
The 64-year-old guy I clerked today had liver cirrhosis due to chronic hepatitis B infection besides other concomitant medical diseases such as diabetes mellitus.
I actually noticed in the case note that he was having Fournier gangrene.
Fournier gangrene is a necrotizing infection involving the soft tissues of the male genitalia. The predisposing factors include diabetes mellitus and cirrhosis.
I need to eat less doughnuts and croissants.
Sunday, September 5, 2010
My one-week break
Today's the last day of my one-week break.
I enjoyed every single second of my break. I was too busy playing.
We spent hours and hours on DotA and KTV. I was also able to finish half of Jodi Picoult's latest page turner entitled 'House Rules'. It's about a brilliant boy with Asperger's disorder who got accused of a murder he didn't commit. These are things I don't get to do when there're classes. And the thought of being able to sleep till my heart's content made life seem like a bed of roses. Well, at least for a week.
Derrick was in town last weekend. He asked me if I'd like to meet him and his friends in a local club. We aren't very close, partly due to the geographical difference between us. However, I'd say he's one of my most favourite gay friends. I still remember the white D&G shirt which revealed his perfectly sculptured chest that he wore when we first met. What he ordered in Delicious in Bangsar Village where we had our first meal together. I like his sense of humour.
Unfortunately, my car battery was dead. And one of the tyres was flat. Which explains why I couldn't meet him. Sigh. I guess my beloved car is in an imminent danger of multi-organ failure. He's aged. And I can only do so much to prolong his life.
Tomorrow's a new start. Hopefully, I'll get to meet cute housemen that'll keep me motivated make me go to the ward more than I'm supposed to. Besides, I look forward to clerking patients who're farmers or fishermen. They're usually hot. And I love to perform physical examinations on them, not for my solitary pleasure, but to hone my skills as a preparation for my end-of-posting exam. =D
I'll be playing paintball with my friends in the evening. RM 45 for 250 pellets. Hope it's worth it and that it'll mark a beautiful end to my one-week break.
Signing out.
I enjoyed every single second of my break. I was too busy playing.
We spent hours and hours on DotA and KTV. I was also able to finish half of Jodi Picoult's latest page turner entitled 'House Rules'. It's about a brilliant boy with Asperger's disorder who got accused of a murder he didn't commit. These are things I don't get to do when there're classes. And the thought of being able to sleep till my heart's content made life seem like a bed of roses. Well, at least for a week.
Derrick was in town last weekend. He asked me if I'd like to meet him and his friends in a local club. We aren't very close, partly due to the geographical difference between us. However, I'd say he's one of my most favourite gay friends. I still remember the white D&G shirt which revealed his perfectly sculptured chest that he wore when we first met. What he ordered in Delicious in Bangsar Village where we had our first meal together. I like his sense of humour.
Unfortunately, my car battery was dead. And one of the tyres was flat. Which explains why I couldn't meet him. Sigh. I guess my beloved car is in an imminent danger of multi-organ failure. He's aged. And I can only do so much to prolong his life.
Tomorrow's a new start. Hopefully, I'll get to meet cute housemen that'll keep me motivated make me go to the ward more than I'm supposed to. Besides, I look forward to clerking patients who're farmers or fishermen. They're usually hot. And I love to perform physical examinations on them, not for my solitary pleasure, but to hone my skills as a preparation for my end-of-posting exam. =D
I'll be playing paintball with my friends in the evening. RM 45 for 250 pellets. Hope it's worth it and that it'll mark a beautiful end to my one-week break.
Signing out.
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