I told her

I thought she knew it, after being in the same class for 3 years.

We mingle a lot with each other. We were once group mates and had gone through thick and thin. I accompanied her to the endoscopy clinic a week before my finals when she was suffering from severe dyspepsia resistant to proton-pump inhibitors (PPIs). I waited for 30 minutes near her block at night to give her a piece of Chocolate Indulgence from Secret Recipe, because I knew she’d like it. I assisted her when she shifted out from campus. Darn. Which straight guy on earth would do these for a girl without an ulterior motive?

And….I don’t play soccer. I’m obviously the only guy in class who actually gives a damn about his weight. I’m a classical cam-whore. I’m self-loving and indecisive. I won't know what to do if my car is broken down. The colour of my shirt always matches my pants’. I always look more presentable than my bookish male course mates. I shop.

However, apparently, and disappointingly, she didn’t even have the tiniest suspicion that I might be gay. How can she be so insensitive? I thought girls had very accurate intuitions.

Last night, we had a casual chat via MSN. And the topic of conversation happened to revolve around relationships. I could take it no more and decided to tell her, without considering that she might not be receptive to homosexuality.

“Eh… It’s not that I don’t want to get a girlfriend. It’s just that, I don’t like girls. You get me?”

I don’t think I got a reply.

Yet, a few moments later, my phone rang. It’s her. A wave of regret engulfed me. I didn’t answer. And it rang again…incessantly. I mustered up my courage and answered, when it rang for the 3rd time, with the mental preparation to deal with the bombardment of questions that would ensue.

" Hey, are you sure about your sexuality? Have you tried it before? Will it help to straighten you if I offer to let you kiss me? Don't you find me attractive? I thought you went to a co-ed school? Why are you gay? It's a waste that you're gay, you know?"

" Duh!! It's not like I've been gay since a few days ago, k?"

Her reaction to my coming out was a concoction of shock, concern, acceptance, excitement and jealousy (because she realized from then onwards that she’d have to compete harder for the hot guys who’re mostly taken or gay?). A typical response. I’ve come out to a few straight beings, guys and girls included, and the reaction they show is invariably the same.

Nevertheless, I’m glad that she’s okay with my being gay. And am proud that I’ve got a new fag hag who’s willing to be my date on Valentine’s day, provided that I’m still single by next February.

Thanks, CH, for being my friend. =)

Oh ya, she actually asked if I was a top or bottom, which totally rendered me speechless.

That inevitable issue

Mom: Hey, my friend’s daughter is studying your uni too. She just entered1st year.

Joe: Who?

Mom: Neh…That one ar. Our ex-neighbour’s son’s cousin daughter. Tall and pretty one ar. I sms to you her number tomorrow.

Joe: Huh? For what? Don’t want la.

Mom: Contact her lo. Why? You got a girlfriend already?

Joe: Ermm….No. Busy ma. No time kao lui. Didn’t you just come back from China? What did you buy?

Mom: I bought……..

That’s how our conversation veers away from its main topic whenever the inevitable issue of whether I’ve got a girlfriend arises. I either give her the excuse that I’m simply too busy with my studies or that my school is teeming with girls who’re ugly geeks that only worship their textbooks.

I’ve always been bugged by the question of whether or not to come out to my parents. I wonder, if I should ever divulge the astonishing and darkest truth about the person they’ve raised for 21 years as a beloved offspring, that’s me. I spent my adolescence, during which my straight friends thoroughly enjoyed by courting and flirting with as many chicks as they could, contemplating and pondering on the thought of telling my mom the truth.

At the age of 15, after numerous hopelessly unsuccessful attempts of degayification, I wrote a 3-page letter which would reveal the hidden truth about me. It also included a detailed explanation of what being a homosexual involved and a guarantee that I’d still be the same child whom she’d always loved. However, the letter ended in the rubbish bin as I didn’t have the courage to hand it to my mom.

Even until now, I feel extremely pressured the moment my mom asks me why I haven’t got attached. Occasionally, she has the tendency to compare me to my elder brother, Derek (not KH), who started seeing someone as early as in high school, making me feel like exploding. All these create a great deal of tension which mercilessly diffuses into the already very hectic life I’m leading. I can’t even get a dick, let alone a pussy. Aih. Pathetic.

And I guess Derek knows I’m gay. I was 13 then and wasn’t aware of the fact that the pornographic websites that I visited would leave a trail. Yes. I didn’t delete the history. He once gave me a subtle are-you-gay? hint to which I responded with a I-don’t-get-what-you’re-trying-to-say look. Well, till today, he hasn’t said anything about it. And hence, I pretend as if nothing happened.