A fire

We were walking out of the mall after watching Bruce Lee, My Brother, only to notice that the town was shrouded in smoke.

It didn't take us much time to locate its source. A fire broke out in a nearby shophouse.

It's pretty terrifying to see the enormous plumes of smoke billowing from the windows, blurring the night sky partially. And the horrendous tongues of fire that looked as if they're going to greedily wipe out everything in their way.

I remember what I wrote in my essays when I was in secondary school. About the pandemonium and the victims who ran helter skelter, yelling for help. Nonetheless, last night, the scene was rather different. The fire had actually attracted a deluge of curious onlookers.

A few firemen walked past me. I realized they're all very tall and huge, emanating heroism and gallantry. They smelled nice, with a hint of sweat and perfume, and that underlying musk. Yeah right, I was just fantasizing.

My heart skipped a few beats as I watched the firefighters ascend the ladder to extinguish the fire. I held them in high esteem for their courage and selflessness in battling against the blaze. And how they skilfully contained the spread of the fire. It ached my heart to watch them risk their lives and dally with danger.

In my essays, I used to write about my commiseration to the victims. And how my heart sank when I saw the hopelessness in their eyes. I guess I should have elaborated more on the heroism of the firefighters. Even by looking at them, you feel a sense of security.

The tragedy has also humbled me a little. On earth, you may be a doctor. But, before God, you're no one but a human.

Beach Boy

I got to know Beach Boy on Grindr.

He texted me on Grindr. He didn't have a profile picture. Well, honestly speaking, I detest talking to guys who want to make friends but don't have the courage to reveal their looks for reasons I find very idiotic. I wouldn't mind if you choose to be anonymous in your blog. But, hey, it's Grindr!

But then, I did talk to Beach Boy. Maybe, there aren't many Grindr users in the vicinity. Maybe, I wasn't feeling kinda lonely at that particular moment. So, I actually responded and said hi, in a tone that was casual and indifferent enough to veil my desperation.

We had a nice conversation and then we proceeded to talk on WhatsApp.

He sent me a picture of him the next morning. Much to my surprise, he's kinda cute. Hehe. I nicknamed him Beach Boy because he likes to go to the beach. And I couldn't stop visualizing him frolicking in the seawater in his Bermudas and basking in the sun.

That's not the end of the story.

It was 2 days before my end-of-posting exam. To stave off the immense stress that's gradually building up within me, we were talking endlessly again on WhatsApp.

Just when I almost fell asleep from forcefully imbibing the salient features of an ocean of medical diseases,

.....he sent me this.

My bleary eyes were suddenly wide open, followed by a lightning of thrill and excitement that jolted through me. Ah! Look at those well-delineated rectus abdominis muscles divided by the linea alba in between and the rather distinct linea semilunaris at their lateral borders. The serratus anterior muscles. Those beautiful lines in the right and left iliac fossae diagonally downwards from his anterior superior iliac spines (ASIS) bilaterally. The love handles. And not to mention his broad chest, his biceps and brachioradialis muscles which fit in somewhat perfectly.

However, contrary to what you might be thinking at the moment, I was still able to retain my composure. :)

The other day, Beach Boy asked if we could meet up. I said yes, vaguely. Yet, we haven't agreed on the date and time.

Perhaps, I'm not physically prepared yet. I'm still making an effort to minimize the discrepancy between myself in my Grindr profile picture and my actual self, if you know what I mean.

We haven't arrived at a stage where I'd say I'm into him. I guess he serves more like a motivation for me to get rid of the diffuse lipoma of my anterior abdominal wall which has haunted me for years. :/

Dreams

I dreamed a lot when I was a kid.

I dreamed of how my life would be like in future. Of marrying the girl who sat beside me when I was in Standard 1. Of never having to grow up. Of having my mom by my side eternally. In primary school, when asked to write about my ambition, I wrote about mine which frequently alternated between a fireman and doctor.

I dreamed of pursuing medicine in one of the world's most prestigious universities on a PSD scholarship. Of joining Doctors without Borders, saving lives in war zones or areas hit by natural disasters. Which sounds very ridiculous to me now.

I was naturally good at languages. And there was a period of time when I told my mom I wanted to venture into broadcast journalism and be newsreader like those on BBC or perhaps own a column in Time magazine.

Then, I realized I was sexually attracted to guys. I dreamed of having a six-pack by age 20. I planned to fall in love in university to help me survive the tremendous academic stress. In the meantime, I'd tell my mom I had no time to look for a girlfriend. I made a tentative plan to come out to her after attaining financial independence.

Maybe, by 30, I would have amassed enough money to afford a reasonably priced condominium and co-habitate with a live-in boyfriend, who's probably a fireman / mechanic with a six-pack who'd attend to my sexual needs all the time. In case I hadn't had the audacity to come clean to my mom about my sexuality, I might just come up with the brilliant explanation that he's just renting a room.

I had my life almost entirely mapped out. I made tons of dreams. Some of them realistic and most of them absurd. The girl who sat beside me in Primary 1 has recently got married, which awakened me to the realization of how much I've missed out on my love life.

Life isn't perfect. With all the challenges and hurdles. Sometimes, I feel very discontented. Disgruntled. Lonely. And demoralized.

But then, I tell myself it's pointless to linger on how much I've detoured from the path I'm supposed to be travelling on. On how much I've missed out. On the possibilities that may have become a reality if I weren't studying here.

I tell myself I have to extirpate these negative thoughts from my mind and enjoy the remnant of my university life.

I'll appreciate every moment in my life and continue to dream.

Who knows the gay MO will fall for me in the first month of my housemanship? Who knows I might be a successful interventional radiologist performing transjugular intrahepatic portosystemic shunting in one of finest medical centres in the country?

My first kiss

We were in his car after a movie. I still remember it was X-men 3.


But, I can't remember since when I'd begun to have an erection during that particular evening. Was it when our arms got entangled in each other's during the movie? Was it when his sensual eyes met mine the moment he arrivved at the cineplex? Or was it when his sexually arousing body scent hit my nostrils?


I tried to appear as calm and innocent as I could to hide the giant wave of lust which was already gathering its momentum and gradually building up inside me. And I told myself excitedly that, after having been celibate a centuary, the time for me to wake up from dormancy and unleash the sexual tension within me had eventually come.


Well, maybe I wasn't who I'd pictured myself to be in my fantasy. I thought I'd be the dominant party who'd pounce on him like a savage beast which had starved for weeks, brutally rip his clothes open and devour him. Nonetheless, at that very moment, I was completely passive and stoned, desperately waiting for a kiss to take place.


And all of a sudden, our lips met.


Due to my total inexperience, I was actually more focused on how to position my tongue in his oral cavity and wondering if he had infectious mononucleosis, an infection trasmissible by kissing.


I guess there're passers-by who saw us making out. Yet, I couldn't care less but to enjoy the waves of sexual excitement which overpowered me.


He raised his to look into my eyes for a few seconds and did something I did not forsee. He proceeded to lick my ears and and neck which felt so pleasurable that I actually moaned. Ah crap. If I'd known this, I'd have cleaned my ears thorougly earlier. For some explicable reason, I actually hoped we would have sex.



I'm writing this because that's my first kiss. With a guy whom I had feelings for. It's the single most significant component of sexual experience in my life, although it may sound very insignificant to most of you. And I'm afraid that I'd forget had I not written it down.


That night, I was exultant, as though I'd won a trophy for obtaining the highest score in the professional exam. I even texted William and my fag hag to brag about it.


I was 22 then. We didn't become boyfriends owing to certain incompatibilities. And the sex never happened.


I guess I'm a bad boy now. :) Yet, I admit my skills are still very obsolete. I wonder if I can get Tuls to give me some extra coaching on the art of seduction and how to please the other party sexually. Theoretically, of course. Coz I noticed that I tend to imitate what the other person is doing. Which makes me look very moronic.

So what?

So what if I'm into someone? I'm always so far away.

So what if I come across someone my type in the same city who happens to like me too? I'm going to graduate and leave this place for good. 5 years is more than enough.

So what when I graduate? Chances are I'll probably work in a remote area.

So, can I fall in love now? Or should I just ignore my feelings for someone because rationally speaking, it's not going to work.

I wish I were irrational. And Impulsive. At times.