I'm a bitch

I'm not sure if I have the capability to love.

I don't really know what I actually want. Or perhaps, I'm always in a pursuit of something that only exists in fantasy. A fact about myself that I'm afraid is true.

I used to think that I was some morally high individual who wouldn't get involved in any sex without love. I would  always fantasize of being in a scenario that would involve my having sex with a gorgeous guy and getting dumped by him the following morning. And I'd attempt all sort of tricks to win his heart back only to be rejected in the end.

Ironically, now, I'm the person who gives the other party a cold shoulder after making out. I'm the morally eroded bitch who keeps on rejecting sweet guys who treat me so nice.

God gave me a punishment for being merciless. I've never really met someone with whom I have mutual feelings and near-complete compatibility. There's always something wrong. Either I don't quite like the guy or the guy doesn't quite like me.

A day of being a Tai Tai

Had my lunch at Ben's, KLCC yesterday and went to an orchestra after that.

The guy who brought me there explained to me with much enthusiasm regarding the stories behind the pieces. I admit there were awkward moments when I pretended that I understood. Haha. But, on the whole, it's awesome. I didn't feel bored. Very interesting, in fact. I love the posh interior, the graceful moves of the conductor and the performance by the prodigies. Had I learnt music since young, I'd have appreciated it better.

Felt a bit apologetic though because I was late. I didn't know what to wear for an orchestra. Realized that the only pair of presentable pants I got was torn. So, I actually rushed to Zara to get a pair of pants 15 minutes before the orchestra began. I'm sorry, if my vanity annoys you.

Had our astronomically priced British high-tea at Harrods. I had scones for the first time in my life. They tasted marvelous together with some sort of cream with a fancy name I can't remember at the moment. Well, you can't blame a small-town kid who hasn't been to the UK for being excited over scones. 

When I related to Niz about my new passion for scones during dinner, he told me with a tone of scorn that they're sold in Cold Storage. But, I doubt they're as good.

I'm glad to have met guys who bring me to nice places and restaurants that make me feel happy internally. Which also makes me increasingly intolerant towards  guys who actually bring me to KFC on our first dates. Unbelievable. Not that I mind eating cheap food. I certainly can't afford to eat at Ben's and Harrods on a daily basis. Nevertheless, it's the effort that counts.

Drove to Cheras for a drink with my gay doctor friends. Nothing extraordinary. The only thing about it that's unforgettable was Adrian's haughty look on my tummy. Fine. I don't have the flattest tummy on earth. To make matters worse, I've even received comments that I'm a bear in the making. Hot bottoms are just plain irritating, especially during times when my market value is depreciating. 

Never mind. However unattractive and bearish I might seem to certain people, I must have confidence.

 一定要把全场hold住！:)

Too gay

Before graduation, a few close batch mates and I actually vowed to opt for the same hospital ( one of the busiest in JB) for our housemanship.

But then, I betrayed them. 

I appealed for a hospital in KL during our induction programme. And I succeeded. Miraculously.

For 5 years in university, I was tortured by their homophobia. My circle of friends was pretty small and hence, they're the ones I spent most of the time with. 

I totally had no opportunity to display even the tiniest bit of the homosexual part of me.

When I dated guys, I had to choose the perfect timing and location at which I knew they wouldn't appear. I studied in a small town and I didn't want to be seen with a fit and gayly handsome guy. That would raise suspicion, right?

Therefore, 5 years is enough. That's it.

So, here I am in KL, a city bustling with gay life in my home country. The most dramatic thing that has occurred in my life here is that, I don't have straight friends now. I've just realized that. In the past, I used to always lament over not having enough gay friends. Nonetheless, at present, it's the other way round. I only hang out with gay friends. A overly gay phenomenon that worries me.

I don't mix with my colleagues after work. My straight colleagues I mean. Maybe I'm gotten too gay that I've forgotten how to socialize with straight people. 

And hey, I'm still single. Yes, I know. I Grindr. They're so many gay doctors around me. I have a gay roommate. My floor mates next door are gay. The cardiologist is gay. Gay nurses. Gay medical officers. Gay housemen. I see them almost every day. 

Perhaps, I'm just hopelessly obsolete when it comes to love. 

Oh ya, on a separate note, I haven't really been a good boy here, if you know what I mean. Kinda saddening. Coz I'm no longer an innocent guy with cherries no one dares to pop.

Flirting in Mandarin

                                                            

   

Flirted with a chap on Grindr who apparently doesn't write English. Not even Manglish.

Hence, I had to flirt with him in Mandarin. Only then did I realize it's actually pretty difficult to sound lascivious in my mother tongue, when you remove the auditory, visual and tactile stimuli which are what sex is fundamentally all about. 

I wanted write the word 'horny' in Mandarin. But, I had a hard time thinking of the correct translation. 欲火焚身？No. Sounds too idiomatic. I wanted something dirtier. Something that'd sound more sexually arousing. And for heaven's sake, I didn't even know the informal term for 'cock' in Mandarin. 阳具？Nah. Sounds too academic.

Just when Lucifer Jr. was beginning to get a little aroused, I noticed he'd gone offline. Haha. Couldn't blame him for being a bitch. I guess I was just too slow in replying.

Time to watch more Taiwanese porn, perhaps.

On a separate note, what's your Grindr-ing experience like?

It's actually quite flattering sometimes to receive requests for sex, which sometimes contribute to my having the delusion that I'm hot. For people who often look at their naked selves in the mirror and sigh in exasperation and hopelessness like me, even that tiny bit of confidence is good enough. Occasionally, I may even sound egoistic and indifferent on purpose, just for the fun of it, unless they're really hot and so my type.

One rule I've discovered about Grindr is hot guys are never nice, and nice guys are usually not hot. Guess I'm somewhere in between? And sex, which's what Grindr's principally designed for in the in first place, is almost always an inevitable topic of conversation. 

Gotta be less demanding. Otherwise, I think I'll forever be doomed to suffer the agonizing wait for the appearance of Prince Charming  in my seemingly never-ending bachelorhood. Displaying  the nicest pic which I've got in my entire photo album with the fugly parts skilfully hidden no longer works its magic.

I want to father a child

Just a few weeks back, an earthquake wreaked havoc in Christchurch, New Zealand, killing more than 150 people. 

And now, my heart goes out to the victims in Japan which was hit by a massive earthquake of a magnitude of 8.9 and more than 150 aftershocks, triggering gargantuan tsunami waves that invaded its eastern coastline.

In case you haven't noticed, a lot of disasters have occurred lately, devastating the lives of millions of people. There're even rumours about the Niburu planet that's going to criss-cross Earth's orbit and collide with her.

So, maybe the doom's day they've been talking about is real. Perhaps, the end of mankind is imminent. Is it going to be like what's depicted in the movie '2012', with multiple tectonic plate movements culminating in monstrous tsunamis that'll annihilate almost the entire human race?

As risible as it may sound, I actually had a tentative plan to store up adequate amounts of food and water as catastrophe draws near. But then, on a second thought, nothing can really prepare me for it.

Instead, I'm thinking of things I haven't got the chance to do. For instance, fathering a child, although I don't even have a boyfriend at the moment to start with.

Life moves on. Professional exam's just 3 weeks away. And I'm expected to know everything from A-Z as far as medicine is concerned at undergraduate level. I can't believe I'll be treating patients in a few months' time! The good old days seem to have whizzed past me in a twinkling of an eye.

For those of you who don't know me in person, would you like to be treated by Lucifer? :) No consultation fee or unnecessary physical contacts.

Firework

They make such a cute couple. They look very compatible with each other. Very pleasant indeed to see how well the the masculinity of the top that never fails to make me tachypneic complements with the astounding and seductive beauty of the bottom.

And now I'm beginning to think that I was the one having an amorous delusion and with the naivety to even think that my destiny had miraculously had a lucky twist.

I do feel a tinge of sadness, which is complicated and amplified by feelings of inferiority stemming partly from my corpulence. I still wonder with disdain how it'd have turned out if I were physically hotter and nearer.

Nevertheless, listening to Katy Perry's Firework does boost my morale and make me feel better and hopeful.

This song is dedicated to those there who's having a hard time, trying in vain to lose weight or who's failed miserably in winning the heart of someone you like.

There's a firework in everyone. Do not be dispirited nor belittle yourself. You gotta ignite it. And let it shine. 

If you dont like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude and the way you see it. Lingering on self-pity is obviously not going to get you anywhere.

Maybe you're reason why all the doors are closed
So you could open one that leads you to the perfect road
Like a lightning bolt, your heart will blow

近水楼台先得月

I guess I've lost even before the game has started. 

My competitor is way too formidable. Even I almost fell for his ravishing beauty.

Never mind, Joey. Your chance will come. Be confident.

回头草

I passed by Bangsar Village.

And I thought of him.

Sometimes, you wish you could undo certain things you've done. But, you just know it's impossible.

I hate myself

I know I shouldn't hate myself. But now, I really do.

Why am I such a kid? Why am I so careless? Why can't I just grow and be a more responsible and careful adult?

Mom, sorry for all the troubles and inconvenience caused. I have no one to blame but me.

I don't like this. I wish someone could give me one tight slap as a trigger for me to cry. 

I feel so low and inferior. 

I don't like this. But, I have to go through this. To suffer the consequences of my recklessness.

I don't deserve to be happy for tonight. I shall spend my evening in silence and reflect on all my blunders. I'd also want to spend some time chanting mantras and my Guru's Heart Sutra, not to alleviate my guilt, but to calm myself down. 

I hope it's still not too late to turn over a new leaf. 

Damn. I hate this. =(

Merci beaucoup!

I'd like to express my gratitude to the minority of my readers who actually like my blog and appreciate what I write. Merci beaucoup! Thank you very much. 

Sorry if I'd failed you in any way. My blog content is apparently not based on what other people like to read. My blog is nothing more than a private punching bag of mine which allows me to unleash the negative emotions and feelings welled up in me. Whenever I blog about something unhappy, I actually feel happier. I convert my negative thoughts to voiceless words, make myself sound as devastated as possible and place them on my blog.

Unhappy thoughts may not be permanently erasable. But, blogging not only makes it easier for them to be relegated to the back of my mind, if not completely obliterated, but it also replaces all the sadness with an ephemeral pleasure.

Hence, my gullible readers, don't be fooled by the melancholic tone of most of my blog entries. In fact, I'm quite a jovial person who laughs a lot. =) I seldom blog about happy events because, unlike negative emotions, they don't inflict a gnawing pain on your heart and make you feel unloved and bullied or as if you're going to explode.

Stress is detrimental to one's soul. Mental illnesses are multifactorial. And stress is known to play a vital role in the aetiology of such mental illnesses as schizophrenia, major depressive disorder and bipolar disorder. I certainly do not want to wake up one morning only to realize that I fulfill the DSM-IV criteria for any of the aforementioned psychiatric disorders.

On top of that, blogging also allows me to jot down and beautifully describe every micro-emotion that I feel. This is something my digital camera cannot capture. And if I don't write and blog about them, I'm afraid I'll forget. If only I had better vocabulary and more time!

By the way, I'll be going back to university later in the evening. And I'm anticipating a lot of stress. Ahh! I could really use a bang hug sometimes!

So, do I write like a doctor already? xD Yeah, that's my handwriting in the photo above.

Homophobia

Most of the time, I'm able to maintain a facade of of optimism despite being surrounded by friends who're incorrigibly homophobic.

Unfortunately, it seems I ain't that good in covering up my sexuality. Maybe, I was careless. Maybe, I thought that with the staggering number of gays in our population, people would no longer see homosexuality as an abomination and subconsciously, I began to express myself more boldly. Apparently, I was wrong.

'Macho' isn't a word I'd use to describe myself. Yet, I'm pretty confident that I don't have those mannerisms gay enough to arouse others' suspicion. Perhaps, I did a mistake by publicly airing my liking for Glee and reading 'Eat, Pray, Love' in class. Perhaps, I shouldn't have worn that yellow Paul Frank shirt the other day.

As a consequence, some of my colleagues now seem convinced that I swing the other way. Although I haven't really been ostracized or sneered at, I feel extremely disturbed by the their malicious display of homophobic remarks which has successfully enfeebled the tough front I've always put on.

I remember when I was younger, I liked to make up fairy tales and indulge in an imaginary wonderland in which I was a little prince in disguise, mistakenly thrust into this cruel world to endure the torments by the homophobes. And one day, my knight in shining armor would come to my rescue and ride me back to the castle where we'd be happily married ever after.

However, every now and then, I find myself inundated with pessimistic thoughts and a crushing desolation no one can possibly understand. I feel extremely exasperated when people make idiotic comments about homosexuality, even though they might not be referring to me. I'm full of vengeance and brood. But, I'm unable to retaliate. Sometimes, I just wish I could walk away from all these nonsense.

As for Mom, I've developed my own ingenious ways of pleasing her, which include a 1500 ringgit handbag purchased using my personal savings, with the hope that the pestering would become less. But, frankly, I don't know when it'd be tacitly understood for her that I'm never going to have a girlfriend.

I hope that very soon, the universe will shift and destiny's molecules will be precisely organized for my path to criss-cross that of my knight in real life.

I need a lot of hugs. :(

I'm only human

I'm sure all of us have heard stories of how people exploit their clients or customers for mercenary purposes. Lawyers. Pharmacists. Promoters. Businessmen. Insurance agents. And even hawkers. They have a variety of unscrupulous ways to manipulate their clients for their personal gains, legally, of course.

Nonetheless, if a doctor is involved in the aforementioned misconduct, he is deemed unethical and despicable. You're not even supposed to order uncessary investigations, say, for instance, obtaining the coagulation profile of a lady with fibroadenoma as a pre-operative assessment if you haven't found anything significant in her history that would suggest the presence of a bleeding tendency.

I've attended numerous lectures on ethics, so much so that, even speaking impolitely to a patient when I'm PMS-ing feels like a total breach of ethics.

Most patients are very understanding and kind. They have faith in my clinical acumen despite the fact that I'm just an obscure medical student. They contribute a lot to my learning experience and have deeply touched my heart in many ways. I wonder if I'll ever have the honour to repay their generosity.

Understanding human behaviour is prerequisite to developing a good rapport with a patient. The rule of thumb is to be polite, and smile genuinely. And never judge a patient. Whether he's an affluent businessman or a peasant with a minuscule monthly salary of RM 300, he can always tell if you're judging him. He can sense it in your nonverbal actions and will clamp up, hampering you from attaining a detailed history and diagnosis. And if this happens during your exam, you're as good as dead.

Unfortunately, there's a minority of patients who really really drive me crazy. It'll take forever to elaborate on how they irritate me. You can always sense it when they really want you to fuck off. After all, they're not the only ones with the ability to interpret nonverbal messages. By right, I'm not supposed to feel the least annoyed. Because medicine is a noble profession. Because, ethically and morally speaking, it's wrong. Because it makes me seem unfit for the profession.

But then, I'm only human.

All I can do is put on a bogus smile and hope my resentment goes unnoticed.

It's that gentleman with a bleeding peptic ulcer complicated with severe anemia and his wife that made me write this. I felt really upset and angry. They were really mean. I remember walking away without even saying thank you. There's only so much you could expect from a barely educated patient, I silently scoffed.

I feel apologetic and conscience-stricken now. But, I'm only human. I will learn to handle such a situation more professionally in time to come.

I went to the pool that afternoon. Swam 40 laps. Shopped to my heart's content in the evening and ended buying clothes even though my wardrobe is already overflowing with them.

This is probably unrelated. But, yes, I'm a rather messy person. I simply don't have the patience to fold my clothes. A major turn off I guess. Yet, it's not like I'm going to meet my potential boyfriend on blogosphere. :)

So what?

So what if I'm into someone? I'm always so far away.

So what if I come across someone my type in the same city who happens to like me too? I'm going to graduate and leave this place for good. 5 years is more than enough.

So what when I graduate? Chances are I'll probably work in a remote area.

So, can I fall in love now? Or should I just ignore my feelings for someone because rationally speaking, it's not going to work.

I wish I were irrational. And Impulsive. At times.

Ain't feeling good

I ain't feeling good.

The papers on Monday were fine. But, I'm dissatisfied with my performance today. Made careless mistakes here and there. I could have done better.

Maybe, I shouldn't be such a perfectionist. Maybe, I should accept my imperfections. Life can be very difficult and when you're trying to hard.

Oh wait. I'm not even trying too hard to begin with. Seriously, I need to buck up. Sigh. No more A- for this posting. Perhaps, I'm just catastrophizing. No worries. I'll scrape through.

To make matters worse, someone rammed into my car. Now, my beloved car's got a huge unsightly indentation. I felt devastated.

Eventually, I told myself to calm down. Well, whatever. I can do nothing besides cursing him with expletives. Even if I'd known who the culprit was, I wouldn't have had the guts to accost him and demand for compensation. I can't afford to have my mood disrupted this week. Having a good mood does help you absorb and assimilate what you're studying more effectively. But, I cringe at the thought of having to fork out a fortune to have the damage repaired.

Calamities always take place at the most inappropriate times.

The only thing that lightened my mood was helping a colleague jump-start her car today. For the first time in my life, I felt so straight. So, I guess now I'm eligible for being labelled as straight-acting?

Two more papers this Saturday. Clinical exam. I hope I will get patients with pre-eclampsia or gestational diabetes mellitus.

In addition to my recent addiction to caffeine and David Archuleta, I've been eating compulsively again to make myself feel good. Sex is definitely the most ideal form of escapism in such a stressful situation. But, I guess I shouldn't be thinking about this now. Pathetic.

Derrick has been telling me that being single has its benefits. Yet, neither do I find these advantages tangible nor realistic when I'm horny.

On being corpulent

Had a very heavy lunch. I can only read with grudging admiration about how Skyhawk worships his almost perfect physique (based on his description). And pictures of Eric flaunting his abs in his latest post certainly doesn't help to alleviate my feelings of guilt.

Sigh. How I wish I had the genetic configuration to stay lean like my roommate. He consumes double the amount of calories I do daily. He's a bit too lean. I guess it isn't too far-fetched to say he's skinny, which makes him an object of ridicule at times. He's been spending a fortune on food recently. I can tell he eats for the sake of gaining weight, which seems to be an exercise of futility so far.

I, on the contrary, am struggling to lose weight. I can eat a lot too when my willpower is not strong enough to suppress my ravenous appetite and my insatiable desire for delicious (usually very fattening) food. Yet, I'm different. I really enjoy eating. Whether it's a expensive meal in a plush restaurant or a plate of economical rice which costs me RM 4, I enjoy every bite and every moment of it. I can literally feel the excitation of the gustatory receptors on my tongue and the stimulatory impulses sent to the brain, filling me with immense pleasure.


Me: Kak, nasi separuh ah. Err....kurang sikit. Kurang lagi kurang lagi.


My roommate : Tambah nasi, kak. Tambah lagi. Itu daging banyak sikit. Kuah mau banyak sikit.

So, you can imagine how much mental torture I have to endure whenever I eat out with my roommate. I have to constantly remind myself of the pictures of hot guys in Simonlover's blog just to fortify my determination. Otherwise, I'd be subconsciously consuming the surplus calories my body doesn't need. And not to mention my propensity to buy a piece of croissant or muffin even after a bulky meal.

To me, good food is equally arousing and alluring as hot guys. Haha. Hence, I have a soft spot for guys who bring me to nice places and treat me to good food. *hint*

Nevertheless, in view of my brother's wedding in November and the fat pads which have silently resurfaced on various parts of my body, it's high time to be more disciplined. I hope I can shed a few kilos. It's for my own good too. My corpulence is such a turn off even to myself when I look at my naked self in the mirror, let alone my future boyfriend, who might appear anywhere, anytime.

Oh ya. I came across this on Youtube today. It's a game called Dragon Age. I'm still not sure how it works but I'm certainly going to find out more. =)



Going to watch the Last Airbender in the cinema now. Hope it'll be nice. Enjoy your weekend, guys!

珍惜

现在是凌晨一点零五分。夜深人静。陪伴着我的，只有天花板风扇转动的声音。

刚刚和一个之前追求过自己的男生聊天，勾起了一些回忆和昔日与他相处的画面。

我顿时感到有点悲伤及忧郁。为什么当时要顾虑那么多? 为什么当时那么挑剔？为什么有那么好的男生，我却没有好好地把握？

为什么人总是在失去的时候，才会懂得珍惜？

如今，我并没有想吃回头草的欲望。毕竟，人家现在似乎已经找到了自己的幸福。我承认我对他的感觉并没有很强烈。可是，他的内涵与人格却深深地吸引了我。每当脑海里浮现出他的脸孔时，心悬都会情不自禁地为之波动。可能是当时太注重外表了吧？或是他的男人味不够浓？唉，男性是感官动物的这个事实，任谁也改变不了！

算了。不经一事，不长一智。要是再给我遇到那么好的男人，我就算是赴汤蹈火，也不会放过。

Obstacles

I always count my blessings for having come across a few charismatic clinicians who impress us immensely with their knowledge and professionalism. Even the way they talk and walk is enough to make me idolize them.

They're always willing to teach even though it's not their duty. They get their points across eloquently in impeccable English and in a way that can hold you spellbound. I emulate them. I tell myself I want to soar like an eagle and be as good as them in future. Sad to say, they're a rare species.

I'm not happy with the hostility displayed by certain doctors. They say things like ' You're not allowed to follow my ward round unless I get a formal letter of permission from your uni ', with a I'm-not-paid-to-teach-you-so-why-should-i? look on their faces. In Malaysia, medical education is under the Ministry of Higher Education, whereas the staff in government hospitals are under the Ministry of Health. Hence, theoretically speaking, they're not responsible for teaching us. Yet, I don't know why they have to be so mean even though we've really humbled ourselves.

I'm not sure if my counterparts in other local universities are facing the same predicament, which certainly poses a great deal of inconvenience to us. There're many limitations which hinder us from learning. This is extremely depressing.

I wish I were outstanding enough to be granted the PSD scholarship. Damn. Why didn't I score an A1 in Chinese? That'd have made me a more eligible applicant. I seethe with jealousy and frustration whenever I see how well some of my brilliant friends are doing abroad. Asking my parents to fork out a substantial amount of their savings to finance my medical education in a private institution just doesn't seem to be a humane thing to do. Consequently, I ended up being somewhere I didn't really like. A place so sparsely populated by gays that I've become unbelievably desperate over the years. A place with many more imperfections which I can't list down here one by one.

Well, there're many things in life which you just have to live with without complaints, mainly because you're given a Hobson's choice.

I'm worried of how graduates from other prestigious universities will look at us when we embark on our medical profession in future. Despite the defective system I'm in, I hope that the discrepancy in terms of quality will not be too obvious.

Guess what I can do now is to optimally utilize whatever I have, see as many patients as I can and study as much as possible. I've got to to stop complaining, relegate thoughts that do me no good to the back of my mind and appreciate what God has bestowed upon me. I always tell myself everything happens for a reason. A defensive mechanism which invariably makes me feel better.

I'll try not to kill after graduation next April.=)

祸不单行

I've been very unlucky lately.

It started with my being a scapegoat for someone's blunder serious enough that a letter of apology to the head of the department was obligatory. It's extremely mortifying when we're given a stern telling-off. What really got on my nerves was the refusal of one of the main perpetrators to own up to the mistake and his accusation that the rest were more guilty.

You know how the truth always becomes convoluted by rumours or when the person spreading them wants to portray himself as being more victimized and less guilty. Despicable! I guess I'm kinda notorious now. Certain things take years to be built and yet it's so fragile that it can be marred within seconds. A good reputation just happens to fall under this category.

When things like this take place, you can tell who your friends are. However, I think the practical thing to do now is not to linger on the past but to learn from the mistake and be more cautious in future.

Apart from that, I injured my right index finger by accident in the gym a few days back. I'm not a frequent gym-goer. I was merely acting upon the suggestions of a few friends who unanimously agreed that I should give it a try. I wasn't familiar with the equipment and that's how I got a laceration on the palmar surface of my right index finger.

My roommate rushed me to the nearest hospital where I received two sutures and some chloramphenicol ointment plus a course of oral antibiotic for RM 1. Guess that's the upside of seeking treatment in a government hospital. Unbelievably cheap. Nevertheless, the waiting can be frustrating.

There's still some tingling sensation and numbness over the tip of my finger. It affects my writing and interferes with my daily ritual -- jerking off. I'm kinda worried if this will be permanent. I've forgotten my orthopaedics and was wondering if I should consult a doctor.

Despite being emotionally affected by the unfortunate events and academic stress, I can't help swooning over several cute housemen in the department, namely Dr. Nerraw and Dr. A. Dr. Nerraw looks Chinese. I've yet to find out his full name but I don't think he's of the Chinese descent. Maybe Sino. He's got a tall figure and beautiful facial features. Scrumptious! He never really smiles though. I'm pretty sure I'll fall into a swoon if he ever flashes one to me. As for Dr. A, he's slim and lean. Always clad in trousers which accentuate his anterior bulge and butt. Tantalizing!

Running out of time

Am currently in obstetrics and gynaecology posting.

It's not uncommon to see pregnant women as young as 15. The girl with preterm prelabour rupture of membranes whom I clerked today is only 16. And his husband is a year younger than me.

I feel very old all of a sudden. While I'm still cruising at swimming pools and checking out some hot guys on Facebook, many people 7 or 8 years younger than me are already starting their families. 

I'm kinda immature when it comes to relationships, attributable to the fact that I've never really had one. After having played the passive role for so long and realizing it did me no good, I decided to learn to be more proactive. However, I don't know how to pursue someone I have feelings for. Every time my efforts culminate in a dismal failure, I lose my confidence. Perhaps, I'm not trying hard enough. Or maybe, I'm not courageous enough to face the fear of rejection. 

Apart from that, my sexperience is almost nil. This is kinda embarrassing, but I decided to be honest here. When I tell my friends this, they say I'm being coy and trying to put up a facade of innocence. 

Extremely desperate though I am, I'm anything but a fan of ONS. Yet, in the meantime, I'm worried of not being able to satisfy my future boyfriend sexually. And there are no free tutorials for me to hone my skills. Although I'm addicted to porn, I don't think I'll be able to rim and blow as adroitly as the guys in my collection of porn. I'm sure it takes years to be that good. And I'm running out of time. I'm aging. Hope that what I've learnt so far will enable me to put up a satisfactory performance when the time comes.

And I don't know how many heart-breaks I have to go through before I can eventually settle down with the love of my life. But come what may. I'm willing tto learn. Everyone starts from zero anyway, right? 

Anyone out there offering free tutorials?

Patience

The traffic jam really drives me crazy. I hate the fact that there are so many people and vehicles wherever I go. I wish the main roads could be widened and more flyovers built to ameliorate the traffic condition during peak hours. And I so wish that we had a teaching hospital within walking distance. I can't help but silently curse in frustration when I'm stranded in a deluge of cars moving at a snail's pace. Oh damn ... so annoying.

But, whenever my temper hovers near its boiling point, I can hear an inner voice telling me to calm down and be patient. I do comply, though it's really hard. Of course, this isn't only about the heavy traffic which tires me out. I'm exasperated by someone's poor sense of punctuality which ruined my plans today. I'm irritated by the fact that someone who blatantly ignores my feelings and expects me to be a gentleman all the time just because I'm a guy. And I keep telling myself to be patient every day when things don't pan out quite as expected.

As far as my studies are concerned, I'm doing fine. I've learnt how to perform an intubation (on a mannequin) and I have to say that anaesthesiology, which revolves around the art of knocking someone out, is quite interesting and extremely challenging. And I've decided to do my elective posting next year in Taiwan. The Taiwanese guys had better be as cute and twinky as those I see in the dramas and my porn. And who knows I'll bump into Willy? =)

Oh ya. I chanced upon someone who looked familiar in the hospital the other day. My mind registered the near-perfect physique of a man, searched my memory for a match and found one. He's one of the guys whose profile I came across on Planetromeo. Actually, that's not the first time I saw him. I'd always covertly checked out his ass. So, now I know a hot gay medical officer who works in the obstetrics and gynaecology department. =p