Aiyor!

I broke my spec. Damn it. I didn't realize it was on my bed. And I lied on it. Damn it. My brand new spec which is barely 5-month-old. Aiyor!!

My parents are pretty generous this year. I initially thought of using my ang pau money to buy a new watch. The old one was spoilt already. But now, it seems that I have to buy a new pair of glasses instead. I can't be wearing my contact lenses all the time. Aiyor!!

The CNY break has come to an end. I shall fly back to see more corpses. And I haven't even started doing my autopsy reports that need to be submitted the day after tomorrow. Aiyor!!

And I left my cologne and wax at home. Aiyor!!

I seriously need to learn to be less clumsy.

CNY

Ate a lot. Drank a lot. Gambled a lot. Met many old friends.

Chinese New Year is definitely one of the periods of time in the year during which I feel most sinful.

I can literally feel my tummy enlarging.

CNY is also when you catch up on the latest events in others' lives. I noticed that those who made fun of me when I was a fat boy had now become gigantic and fat themselves. I greeted them with a sadistic grin when they said hi.

Besides, just like what I'd anticipated, I still am not spared from the inevitable onslaught of questions on why I'm not having a girlfriend yet. Everyone is wondering and curious. And I have to come up with the same old lame excuses and fabricated information as far as my love life is concerned.

The hardest part is still my mom. I just feel very sorry.

Everyone seems to have found a boyfriend or girlfriend. My friends. My cousins. And if I'm not mistaken my biological brother, Derek, who's 8 years older than me, is going to get married in half a year's time.

For the first time in my life, I feel very incompetent being gay. Really. Extremely aware though I am of the need to be happy and optimistic, inferiority always succeeds in finding a way to enshroud my soul, no matter how hard I defend myself against it.

Almost home

I reached Penang safely this morning. Yay!!

Am at my sister's house. Got to see my niece for the first time. Hadn't got the chance to see her since she's born. And my nephew is such a big boy already.

Later tonight, I'll travel up north to my hometown. I'm almost home.

My original break only lasts 4 days. But, I've decided to play truant. Hence, I have 9 days altogether. I'm in forensic medicine posting. And I've completed my log book and seen enough of autopsies. Some of classmates who'll going back on the 2nd or 3rd day of CNY tried to intimidate me by saying that I'll be barred from sitting the end-of-posting examination. I don't know. I don't care. I think that's insane.

The most exciting thing about being at home is having unlimited access to internet, something which most people out there take for granted.

Well, Happy Chinese New Year, people!!

新年快乐,万事如意!

Klang Boy

I chanced upon him in a school program a few days back. Several months after I first saw him during the orientation week.

Standing aside like a ravenous beast waiting to pounce on its prey, my eyes greedily appraised him as instructed by my subconscious mind. He hadn’t changed much. Outspoken and outgoing. Crew cut. Fair complexion. The breathtakingly beautiful smile he occasionally flashed made him very handsome. He still walked and talked with the assurance of someone who thought of himself as indomitable or good-looking. He exuded a sort of confidence that might be misconstrued as arrogance or complacency. Nevertheless, to me, it’s a magical force that attracted me. He still looked like one of those recalcitrant high school kids who’d play truant and bring girlie magazine to class. Mischievously cute, I’d say.

During the program, our eyes did meet, for a second or so. His sensual eyes widened with mystification and curiosity. I got nervous and shy and instantly looked in another direction. He must have noticed I was ogling at him. Perhaps, I could have been too conspicuous.

To date, I don’t know what his full name is. Neither have I had a conversation with him. The fact that I always become very shy in the presence of someone I like really irks me. I only know that he’s my junior. The Klang boy whom I used to be infatuated with. The formidably intelligent guy who aspired to become an actuary but was accepted into med school by a twist of fate.

Anyway, I don’t think he’s gay.

Bumping into Klang Boy has ignited the sparks of desires and desperation in me which I’ve been subconsciously making an effort to suppress.

I’ve always clung on to the belief that love will show up, sooner or later, or when least expected. Yet, sometimes, the interminable wait can be utterly frustrating and painfully boring. I don’t know how far I can take before I do things desperate gays would. Hehe.

Caught red-handed

Have you ever been caught jerking off?

It just happened to me.

I was lying comfortably on my bed, stroking my dick while watching my favourite Jap porn when all my roommates were out.

All of a sudden, RW came in. I didn't know that the door wasn't locked. He immediately knew what I was doing on seeing the rhythmic action of my right hand which was inside my shorts. Fortunately, I managed to switch everything off before he saw my gay porn.

What a close shave and an embarrassment!! Haha.

I'll swear I'll be more cautious next time.

Of corpses and dead bodies

I never knew that medical doctors needed to be equipped with the knowledge of performing an autopsy or a post-mortem examination.

I just came to know about it not too long ago when I was introduced to forensic medicine. Autopsies are basically done to determine the cause or nature of death, identify a dead body, estimate the time of death and so on. The forensic department can be likened to a slaughterhouse. Corpses are cut open. Organs, including the brain and heart, are sliced in to pieces. And there’s blood everywhere.

I still vividly remember the very first autopsy I observed months ago. The horrendous look of the partially decomposed remains discovered couples of days after the man died was etched in my mind for some time. Putrefaction (liquefaction of soft tissues) had occurred. Skin peeling and discoloration were present. There was gross gaseous distension of the face, abdomen and scrotum. What greeted my eyes was far more hideous than the nicely preserved cadavers I saw during my anatomy lectures in 1st year.

In addition, the sight of maggots crawling all over the body surface of the corpse and greedily devouring the flesh sent shivers down my spine. Hundreds of them. As soon as the unbearably disgusting stench assaulted my nostrils, I immediately knew the amount of patience being a forensic pathologist would entail. It’s the most unpleasant smell I’ve ever smelt. 20 times worse than that of a dead cat left unattended for 5 days.

When I first met Dr JH, I thought she’s a physician. Perhaps a pharmacist. Or a doctor in a specialty which doesn’t involve a lot of blood. She always puts on the smile an unemployed housewife married to a rich man would. And I was really taken aback when I later learnt that she’s actually a renowned forensic pathologist with a rather formidable qualification that’d be teaching us forensic medicine.

I guess I’m fine with dealing dead bodies. Yet, it certainly is an option I’ll never take into consideration if I ever have the opportunity to specialize in the distant future.

A compliment from a fag hag

The one-week post-exam break was a period of fun and recuperation.

I basically spent my time patronizing KTVs, watching the latest movies, swimming, shopping and reading a novel. Last but not least, I hung out with my newly appointed fag hag too.

“You’re a clumsy boy with a meticulous soul inside. A careless boy who remembers petty or trivial things. Things I told you 2 years ago. Things that people or even I myself tend to forget. And that’s really sweet of you, you know? It’s going to be really great for the single girls out there if you were straight,” CH jokingly said that.

I responded with a smirk, a hint that I had relinquished all hope of turning straight.

I’m aware of my ability to recall little unimportant things which no one would bother to remember. I’m very good at doing that. It staggers me at times when I realize I remember the nickname of the very first guy I met on cyberspace when I was 13, the high school name of a random net friend whom I’m no longer in touch with, birthdates of nodding friends I’m not close to, the exact date I viewed JY’s Friendster profile and so on.

Yet, I was sort of touched when she said that, for she’s the first person around me who realized it and complimented me.

Unfortunately, this special ability of mine doesn’t work when it comes to studies. Those mechanisms, pathogeneses and pathways never seem to stick to my mind despite repeated memorization.

Maybe, it's true when they say you forget what you want to remember and you remember what you want to forget.

And you want to know how clumsy I can be? I lost my wallet thrice within a month but every time, a good Samaritan returned it me. I broke my first spectacle the first day I wore to school. I accidentally threw my boarding pass together with the sweet wrappers into the dustbin but managed the find it 5 minutes before the plane took off. In short, it’s an acknowledged fact that I’m clumsy.

Perhaps, that’s why all my family members dissuaded me from pursuing medicine. But like I said, I was rebellious.

Australia

I haven't shed tears for some time. But, Australia, a movie about an English aristocrat who travels to the faraway continent on the brink of World War II to save the land she inherited, made me do so today.

The motherly instinct portrayed by Lady Ashley (Nicole Kidman) when she goes to great lengths to save the aboriginal child, Nullah, really touches me.

Being a typical mommy's boy, very naturally, I began to think of my mom whom I hadn't seen for 5 months. I started to picture the endearing smile on her face when I told her I fared badly in a test. I started to reminisce the joyful moments she read me bedtime stories. Mothers are great, aren't they?

I know of people who dislike, or are contemptuous of their parents, for certain reasons. I, too, used to go through the stage of disobedience and rebellion during my adolescence.

"You'll understand when you're older", my elder sister told me.

With a little bit of maturity penetrating my mind as I entered adulthood and after a little bit of metamorphosis, I now see things differently. And I begin to understand what my sister tried to convey.

I guess I really am a fortunate child. Hehe.

By the way, Hugh Jackman is damn hot! I admit I watched the movie partly because of him. He never fails to stimulate me with his perfect physique and indescribable beauty.

Life after exam

It's almost 5.10 am now. And I'm still in the cyber cafe with my straight buddies, killing on DotA. Life after exam is such. ;-)

New Year's resolutions

Surgery posting. Examinations. They've all come to an end officially, at last.

I'm having a lot of fun in the post-exam period. Whenever I actually have the chance to online, i'm too tired to write anything.

Thanks a lot, WN, JY and AN, for the encouraging sms-es at you sent me when I was burning the midnight oil. They made quite a lot of difference, I guess.

It's 2009 now. I've abandoned the idea of producing a list of New Year's resolutions which are often unreachable, like what I've always done. Three would suffice.

1. I want to lose 5 more kg and be slimmer.
2. I want to have a relationship. I want to have a boyfriend who's lean and doesn't smoke.
3. I want to continue to survive in med school.