Homophobia

Most of the time, I'm able to maintain a facade of of optimism despite being surrounded by friends who're incorrigibly homophobic.

Unfortunately, it seems I ain't that good in covering up my sexuality. Maybe, I was careless. Maybe, I thought that with the staggering number of gays in our population, people would no longer see homosexuality as an abomination and subconsciously, I began to express myself more boldly. Apparently, I was wrong.

'Macho' isn't a word I'd use to describe myself. Yet, I'm pretty confident that I don't have those mannerisms gay enough to arouse others' suspicion. Perhaps, I did a mistake by publicly airing my liking for Glee and reading 'Eat, Pray, Love' in class. Perhaps, I shouldn't have worn that yellow Paul Frank shirt the other day.

As a consequence, some of my colleagues now seem convinced that I swing the other way. Although I haven't really been ostracized or sneered at, I feel extremely disturbed by the their malicious display of homophobic remarks which has successfully enfeebled the tough front I've always put on.

I remember when I was younger, I liked to make up fairy tales and indulge in an imaginary wonderland in which I was a little prince in disguise, mistakenly thrust into this cruel world to endure the torments by the homophobes. And one day, my knight in shining armor would come to my rescue and ride me back to the castle where we'd be happily married ever after.

However, every now and then, I find myself inundated with pessimistic thoughts and a crushing desolation no one can possibly understand. I feel extremely exasperated when people make idiotic comments about homosexuality, even though they might not be referring to me. I'm full of vengeance and brood. But, I'm unable to retaliate. Sometimes, I just wish I could walk away from all these nonsense.

As for Mom, I've developed my own ingenious ways of pleasing her, which include a 1500 ringgit handbag purchased using my personal savings, with the hope that the pestering would become less. But, frankly, I don't know when it'd be tacitly understood for her that I'm never going to have a girlfriend.

I hope that very soon, the universe will shift and destiny's molecules will be precisely organized for my path to criss-cross that of my knight in real life.

I need a lot of hugs. :(

Bisexuality

This is just my personal view on bisexualilty as a conservative, old-fashioned, lovesick and desperate gay.

I face a lot discrimination just simply because I'm different.

I'm grappling with a kind of fear unfathomable to my family members and friends. Homosexuality definitely doesn't define me entirely. However, I'm certain that my homophobic friends are just going to label me as gay (if they knew) despite the fact that it's just a minute part of my life. They will condemn you at all cost. All you can do is to silently endure their mockery. Of course, I've never come close to being in such an undesirable situation, but I guess that's roughly how the scenario will be like.

Being different, therefore, has taught me to be less judgmental and more receptive to the differences of other people. If you flip through any psychiatry textbook, you'll be able to find out how many sexual paraphilias human beings are known to have. Beastiality. Paedophilia. Necrophilia. Coprophilia. Sadism. Masochism. Theoretically speaking, these disorders, some of which are illegal, are characterized by sexual impulses, fantasies and practices that're deviant, unusual and bizarre.  They might be psychologically damaged. Nonetheless, frankly speaking, I don't really find them that contemptible. They might be undergoing something I don't understand. I feel the same towards transsexuals, transvestites and last but not least, bisexuals.

Well, as far as I'm concerned, bisexuality per se, is nothing wrong. I don't it's easy for them either to live a double life. To experience so much confusion and deal with so many quandaries and dilemmas.

Yet, I'm pretty sure most of us gays have a deep sense of revulsion against bisexuality principally because bisexuals are notorious for having extra-marital affairs, their disloyalty, toying with our feelings and eventually settling down with the opposite gender, leaving us heartbroken (Little Dove, hugs). They get married and reproduce to to conform to the norms of society and to measure up to their parents' expectations. And in the meantime, they fuck guys. Now, that's what nauseates me.

I sympathize with their wives.

Sometimes, it's so annoying that they have a choice. And they can have everything. Wives. Children. Blessings from their parents and relatives. And a clandestine relationship with a guy. (Drew, I'm not referring to you.) =D

Truth be told, some of them can be really hot. Sizzling hot. Though it's wrong to generalize that all bisexuals are all only into sex, those whom I've come across are into sex with no strings attached. Forbidden fruits aren't supposed to be eaten. The heartbreaks are not worth it.

Ah! If only I had a uterus. If only I were straight.

Homophobia is sickening

Never in my life had I felt so threatened by homophobia until today.

It's utterly disappointing when someone who's supposed to be on your side suddenly turns against you.

'Please do not comment about my sexuality in public in future.'

I so wanted to send her this message but after a second thought, I didn't. I knew it wouldn't help and would only cause our faltering friendship to crumble.

On another occasion, someone said this to me. ' See that effeminate guy? He'll soon become gay. That's how homosexuality occurs. First, you turn sissy. And as time passes by, you sort of metamorphose into a gay.'

I stared at him in incredulity. Those were the words which came from a 4th-year med student. And he wasn't aware that he's making that statement to a guy who's been gay for more than a decade.

For some stupid reason, I've been trying to give a hint to people around me that I'm gay. Yeah, I know it's idiotic. And I'll stop doing this from tomorrow onwards.

It hurts to realize that all I've got is myself. I promise I'll work harder. I've gotta be strong and resilient. I want to be formidable. I want to be outstanding and successful in life as this is one of the very few ways I can feel good about myself. And may the offspring of all the homophobic morons out there be gay so that the latter will understand how sickening homophobia can be some day.