I'm a bitch

I'm not sure if I have the capability to love.

I don't really know what I actually want. Or perhaps, I'm always in a pursuit of something that only exists in fantasy. A fact about myself that I'm afraid is true.

I used to think that I was some morally high individual who wouldn't get involved in any sex without love. I would  always fantasize of being in a scenario that would involve my having sex with a gorgeous guy and getting dumped by him the following morning. And I'd attempt all sort of tricks to win his heart back only to be rejected in the end.

Ironically, now, I'm the person who gives the other party a cold shoulder after making out. I'm the morally eroded bitch who keeps on rejecting sweet guys who treat me so nice.

God gave me a punishment for being merciless. I've never really met someone with whom I have mutual feelings and near-complete compatibility. There's always something wrong. Either I don't quite like the guy or the guy doesn't quite like me.

F

It was already midnight.

I was partially drunk as he walked me to his car.

Under the faint moonlight, I squinted my eyes and looked hard at the silhouette of the man whom I was on the brink of falling for. And I had the sudden uncanny thought of buying him a bottle of cologne. Perhaps, the one I'm using too.

Just as I boarded his car, he handed a bottle of eau de toilette - F, by Ferragamo.

I was stunned for few miliseconds and laughed at myself deep in my heart.

After he'd dropped me off, I sprinted to my room when his car was out of sigh like a kid with a newly bought ice-cream, and quickly sprayed it on my neck.

Not bad, I thought. Still a little inferior compared to my Clinique's Happy (my most favourite). Yet, I do like the perfume he gave me.

There were a few occasions I disliked certain guys I dated because they didn't wear the right perfume. On the contrary, the right perfume / scent almost always naturally magnifies the liking I have for someone.

To me, smell, does matter.

Sick

I really thought I had dengue fever.

High-grade fever with chills. Headache with retro-orbital pain. Diarrhea and vomiting. Loss of appetite and lethargy. Which perfectly fit the typical presentation of dengue fever.

There I was alone in pitch darkness, covered under my blanket and tolerating what felt like the worst headache I'd ever experienced in my life. Despite the words of concerns that I'd received from McVet and Ambrocius, I couldn't help but feel extremely lonely.

I thought of the old spinster whom I attended to during my 2-week feat in the high-dependency ward. She passed away mainly because of poor family support. It seemed her family members weren't very close to her. She had multiple co-morbidites. Hypothyrodism. Congestive heart failure. Hospital-acquired pneumonia. And also acute on chronic renal failure. And the saddening part was we couldn't dialyse her because no one in her family agreed for it. My specialist said it'd be pointless to dialyse her too if no one's send her for follow-up in future.

I saw her wither away. On BiPAP. Day by day. Occasionally, when I examined her, she'd tell me she wanted to see her elder sister, who works as a dish cleaner in some restaurant. However, there's nothing we could do except to support her the best we could medically.

A few days before I left HDW, her heart just ceased to continue beating.

Obviously, I'm going to grow old like her. Unmarried without offspring. And with family members and relatives I might probably be estranged from.

Will I die as tragically as her? I mean, to say the truth, she would have ameliorated clinically if she had undergone some sort of renal replacement therapy. Yet, when you delve deeper into the social issues of your patients, you'll realize that what you can do as a doctor is limited.

Yeah. I know. It's normal to think of all kind of nonsense when you're sick and alone.

But, thanks God. I got better today. Hopefully, it's just some non-lethal viral fever.

I didn't even have the guts to go have my full blood count and dengue serology taken. Getting warded is the last thing I need at the moment. Guess it's true when they say that doctors make the worst patients.

A day of being a Tai Tai

Had my lunch at Ben's, KLCC yesterday and went to an orchestra after that.

The guy who brought me there explained to me with much enthusiasm regarding the stories behind the pieces. I admit there were awkward moments when I pretended that I understood. Haha. But, on the whole, it's awesome. I didn't feel bored. Very interesting, in fact. I love the posh interior, the graceful moves of the conductor and the performance by the prodigies. Had I learnt music since young, I'd have appreciated it better.

Felt a bit apologetic though because I was late. I didn't know what to wear for an orchestra. Realized that the only pair of presentable pants I got was torn. So, I actually rushed to Zara to get a pair of pants 15 minutes before the orchestra began. I'm sorry, if my vanity annoys you.

Had our astronomically priced British high-tea at Harrods. I had scones for the first time in my life. They tasted marvelous together with some sort of cream with a fancy name I can't remember at the moment. Well, you can't blame a small-town kid who hasn't been to the UK for being excited over scones. 

When I related to Niz about my new passion for scones during dinner, he told me with a tone of scorn that they're sold in Cold Storage. But, I doubt they're as good.

I'm glad to have met guys who bring me to nice places and restaurants that make me feel happy internally. Which also makes me increasingly intolerant towards  guys who actually bring me to KFC on our first dates. Unbelievable. Not that I mind eating cheap food. I certainly can't afford to eat at Ben's and Harrods on a daily basis. Nevertheless, it's the effort that counts.

Drove to Cheras for a drink with my gay doctor friends. Nothing extraordinary. The only thing about it that's unforgettable was Adrian's haughty look on my tummy. Fine. I don't have the flattest tummy on earth. To make matters worse, I've even received comments that I'm a bear in the making. Hot bottoms are just plain irritating, especially during times when my market value is depreciating. 

Never mind. However unattractive and bearish I might seem to certain people, I must have confidence.

 一定要把全场hold住！:)

Too gay

Before graduation, a few close batch mates and I actually vowed to opt for the same hospital ( one of the busiest in JB) for our housemanship.

But then, I betrayed them. 

I appealed for a hospital in KL during our induction programme. And I succeeded. Miraculously.

For 5 years in university, I was tortured by their homophobia. My circle of friends was pretty small and hence, they're the ones I spent most of the time with. 

I totally had no opportunity to display even the tiniest bit of the homosexual part of me.

When I dated guys, I had to choose the perfect timing and location at which I knew they wouldn't appear. I studied in a small town and I didn't want to be seen with a fit and gayly handsome guy. That would raise suspicion, right?

Therefore, 5 years is enough. That's it.

So, here I am in KL, a city bustling with gay life in my home country. The most dramatic thing that has occurred in my life here is that, I don't have straight friends now. I've just realized that. In the past, I used to always lament over not having enough gay friends. Nonetheless, at present, it's the other way round. I only hang out with gay friends. A overly gay phenomenon that worries me.

I don't mix with my colleagues after work. My straight colleagues I mean. Maybe I'm gotten too gay that I've forgotten how to socialize with straight people. 

And hey, I'm still single. Yes, I know. I Grindr. They're so many gay doctors around me. I have a gay roommate. My floor mates next door are gay. The cardiologist is gay. Gay nurses. Gay medical officers. Gay housemen. I see them almost every day. 

Perhaps, I'm just hopelessly obsolete when it comes to love. 

Oh ya, on a separate note, I haven't really been a good boy here, if you know what I mean. Kinda saddening. Coz I'm no longer an innocent guy with cherries no one dares to pop.

Organ donation

That cute, topless Indian guy beckoned me over.

And enthusiastically told me in fluent Mandarin that he wanted sign up for organ donation.

I was moved.

I don't know what it's like to experience years of recurrent severe headache with epistaxis and bilateral ear bleeding and vomiting as well as mild right-sided body weakness with sensory involvement.

Yes, he has a brain tumor. Planned for surgery next year which carries a high risk of post-operative memory loss and further neurological deficits.

And he's only 24. My age.

He said he wanted his organs to continue to live and prolong the lives of others after his death.

His courage and optimism touched the deepest part of my heart. I have a lot to learn from him.

Scrumptious McVet

We went to Frangipani the Friday night before last.

As I boarded the car, McVet handed two mooncakes to me.

I finished the mooncakes the following day.

I felt deeply touched while I was eating them. And I was truly happy.

I was on call during the Mid-Autumn Festival this year. And I hadn't had the time to go buy mooncakes as I was busy preparing for my viva exam.

And right after the festival, no one selling it anymore, apparently. Maybe, I don't know KL well enough to look for them. Was really disappointed and down. I've always been a fan of mooncakes. Ever since I was a kid. And I was thought it's extremely pathetic if one doesn't get to eat mooncakes during the festival.

The only mooncakes I'd eaten this year were from McVet.

How can you not fall for a guy, when he knows exactly what you want and desire?

Of course, I'm not falling for McVet. :) I mean I'm not supposed to. Because it ain't right, morally speaking.

It's my honour to meet you, McVet.

Work, again

My job is sort of a hectic one I guess. I work 7 days a week. Half days on weekends if I'm not on call. I've not applied for a single day of leave. Although Market Place is just 1.2 km away from where I stay, I've only been there once since I started working in June.

It's even worse when I was in the ward 23 in which the consultant would come at 7 am. This means I had to wake up at 5.30 am and punch in by 6 am. Just nice for me to review my patient before he arrived. 

Medicine was kinda frightening in the beginning.Yet, with the passing of time, you know what to do. You roughly know what's urgent and what's not. 

In the Malaysian hospital setting, there's such a word called 'jonah' which literally means bad luck. When people say you're jonah, it means that emergencies tend to happen more when you're on call. And yours truthfully is definitely someone well-known for my jonah-ness. 

I still remember there was once I had to attend to a lady with dengue fever with compensated shock and another woman in the same cubicle with massive lower GI bleed with impending shock simultaneously. And the thing I dislike most is having to attend to patients who need multiple immediate referrals at very ungodly hours. Because it means you won't get to sleep the whole night. 

Despite all the tension, there's joy. I've been working in the coronary rehabilitation ward for the past 1 week. I had a great learning experience. Got to see things like atrial flutter, ventricular bigemminy, sick sinus syndrome and ventricular tachycardia. There's once I did a carotid massage for my patient who developed supraventricular tachycardia (SVT) and it's thrilling to see on the cardiac monitor how it instantly disappeared.

Yes. It's very rewarding to be able to do good to your patients. Simple things like correction of potassium levels and rehydration in dengue fever. Nothing heroic. But, you will feel great because you know you have the ability to help people with your medical knowledge, albeit at the biochemical or cellular level which is not noticeable.

And did I mention about the hot and sweet registrar I've been working under for the past one week? Totally my type. And I even helped him punch in and out. Haha. Perhaps, part of my joy came from him.

Work

I'm working.

Yet, I don't feel like I'm working.

I feel as if I am medical student with many many responsibilities. The good thing is, I get paid.

Haha. However, it's kinda stressful to realize that now, whatever I do or decide, no matter how insignificant it appears to be, does affect my patients. 

Medicine is a unique a profession that involves a lot of sacrifice that other people may not be able to understand. Most of the time, you don't get to wait and see. Many things need to be attended to instantly or as soon as possible, depending of the level of severity, even if it means forgoing a meal or skipping a social function planned earlier.

Well, you'll be surprised how ungrateful certain patients can be.

In the first week of my career, I had two episodes of nervous breakdowns. I cried almost every night. I was physically drained due to the unbearably long tagging hours. And not to mention the culture shock that I, a small town boy, had to face in the city of Kuala Lumpur. 

Adjustment disorder? 

I was on the verge of falling into depression. But thanks God, I survived the most trying period. Never thought that I had that amount of determination and tenacity in me.

I'm fairly okay now, despite the terrible calls I've been having. 

I feel I've aged.

But, I don't feel like I'm working. I feel like I'm doing what I've been given the honour to do. With the limited ability to alter a disease process to a certain extent. Kinda fun. :)

Flirting in Mandarin

                                                            

   

Flirted with a chap on Grindr who apparently doesn't write English. Not even Manglish.

Hence, I had to flirt with him in Mandarin. Only then did I realize it's actually pretty difficult to sound lascivious in my mother tongue, when you remove the auditory, visual and tactile stimuli which are what sex is fundamentally all about. 

I wanted write the word 'horny' in Mandarin. But, I had a hard time thinking of the correct translation. 欲火焚身？No. Sounds too idiomatic. I wanted something dirtier. Something that'd sound more sexually arousing. And for heaven's sake, I didn't even know the informal term for 'cock' in Mandarin. 阳具？Nah. Sounds too academic.

Just when Lucifer Jr. was beginning to get a little aroused, I noticed he'd gone offline. Haha. Couldn't blame him for being a bitch. I guess I was just too slow in replying.

Time to watch more Taiwanese porn, perhaps.

On a separate note, what's your Grindr-ing experience like?

It's actually quite flattering sometimes to receive requests for sex, which sometimes contribute to my having the delusion that I'm hot. For people who often look at their naked selves in the mirror and sigh in exasperation and hopelessness like me, even that tiny bit of confidence is good enough. Occasionally, I may even sound egoistic and indifferent on purpose, just for the fun of it, unless they're really hot and so my type.

One rule I've discovered about Grindr is hot guys are never nice, and nice guys are usually not hot. Guess I'm somewhere in between? And sex, which's what Grindr's principally designed for in the in first place, is almost always an inevitable topic of conversation. 

Gotta be less demanding. Otherwise, I think I'll forever be doomed to suffer the agonizing wait for the appearance of Prince Charming  in my seemingly never-ending bachelorhood. Displaying  the nicest pic which I've got in my entire photo album with the fugly parts skilfully hidden no longer works its magic.

Little things

I'm seldom impressed by popular artists who can sell millions of copies for each of their album, unless they're really talented and extraordinary. No doubt, the songs may be awesome and they do serve their entertainment purposes. Nonetheless, no matter how good they are, it's just their occupation. The same goes for a chef who can cook the most delectable meal on earth or a pianist who can play Moonlight Sonata 3rd Movement flawlessly.

But, I have a soft spot for guys who surprise me with their latent talents, which may be decidedly ordinary but awe-inspiring.

Let's say you're kinda into this cute guy who also happens to be a bit muscular. And then one day, you visit his blog, only to realize he'd posted your most favourite sentimental love song that he dedicated specially to you. Not sure how you'll react. But, I'll definitely search high and low for the 'Marry Me' button.

I came across this interesting blog authored by Chinese Prick in which he recently dedicated a Chinese song to a certain someone. I almost had a semi-erection after listening to it. He ain't an internationally renowned singer. However, it was really touching with his guitar accompaniment in the background. His voice was melodious and resonant and it suited the lyric perfectly.

Click HERE if you wanna listen. (Just in case you dislike it, please don't say nasty things, ok? Coz if you do, I'm gonna dislike you.)

Got what I mean? It's these lil' things that melt my heart. Things like being invited to his house for a meal he cooks, which turns out to be quite palatable, and followed by a session of passionate love-making. Things like receiving a cup Cuppuccino when you're exhausted and least expect it.

I got so hyped up last night and decided to send a certain someone my incomplete, rudimentary and out-of-tune version of Lady Gaga's Born This Way in the form of an audio note over Whatsapp. I had to sing it an octave lower. Surprisingly, I received a pretty nice feedback. Hahaha. He must have been too kind with his words!

Right now, I wish someone could sing me Bruno Mars' Just The Way You Are. *stares at Tuls*

Eager to work

Inexplicably, for the time being, I actually look forward to working. Not sure if it's because of the boredom that's slowly devouring me from the inside or the lack of social life in my hometown.

So, in a few weeks' time, I'll be called for the induction programme, after which I'll start working as a house officer ie. junior doctor, an uphill battle nothing in med school could really prepare me for. Frankly, I didn't graduate from a very prestigious institution. Will I still need to face the occasional jeerings and  blatant discrimination which I've been silently enduring?

Sometimes, you know that the derision or scoffing are not directed at you. But, you still feel the ginormous effect stemming from it. It takes away all your confidence and self-esteem. Ah! If only I was born with a silver spoon in the mouth. Yet, on a positive note, it makes you stronger. In fact, I believe that there'll come a day in future when I can proudly redeem myself and allay their doubts about my competency. 

What's more, rumour has it that compassion and a good attitude are qualities that come first before knowledge. Though I'm not sure what 'good' actually encompasses, I needn't worry much I guess. 

Maybe, I should just keep an open mind and venture into the profession which has partially lost the prestige and nobility it used to have. Having said that, it's still going to be a whole new world with a million things to learn, explore and experience.  And I'll meet new people, make new friends and perhaps, a gay neurosurgeon  destined to fall head over heels for me. Just a joke. But, you never know. And I wonder if the stories of gay housemen banging each other while on-call at night are true. 

Whatever it is, I'm expecting a weight loss of 5 kg in the first month of housemanship and a working environment akin to the gay version of Grey's Anatomy. And I hope I won't become the kind of doctor I don't want myself to be - a doctor devoid of compassion and who denigrates patients behind their backs.

My type

I don't remember attaching pictures of anything humanoid in my previous blog entries. Maybe, this is a good start. 

They're just random guys on Facebook that I find toppish and sexually appealing. They're merely strangers whom I have mutual friends with. Sometimes, it amazes me how on earth my friends get to know these breathtakingly handsome and gorgeous men.

Gay men who look toppish are to die for. Sometimes ( I repeat, sometimes), I can have an erection just by ogling at them on the streets. If the situation allows, I'd even subconsciously walk in a direction that enables enable me to draw freaking near to the target that captivates me at that particular moment.

Whenever someone asks me what the criteria my ideal dating partner should have, I'd just say it's fine, as long as he's top, masculine, doesn't smoke, isn't fat and equipped with a modicum of intelligence. I know, I know. I'm such a hypocrite. Meanwhile, I'm just being realistic, knowing that certain things that I hanker for are just reveries that will never come to fruition. There's only so much you can expect when you aren't a looker yourself. In the love game, certain rules are unspoken and tacit. Love is blind, perhaps only in fairy tales.

In order to make myself sound less shallow and desperate, I have to emphasize here that physical appearance isn't all that matters. After all, beauty is only skin deep.  But, let's not go into that now.

Lastly, if any of the pictures above belong to you, sorry. The reason I published them here is because you look gorgeous (in my opinion). If you want it to be removed, please do let me know.

Graduated

I guess it's time to update my blog.

A lot has happened.

I passed my professional examination. Which means my undergraduate studies has finally come to an end.

Frankly, I don't know how I survived the ordeal prior to the exam, a yardstick that would determine whether or not I was eligible for the title my degree confers. It doesn't take into consideration the previous glories you've had. If you fail to score above the passing mark, you'll have to resit in 6 months.

For the first time in 5 years, I cried during the examination period. I cried after talking to my mom on the phone too. I'm not intelligent. And the worst thing, I hadn't really worked hard enough. Hence, it's really stressful.

The vice chancellor was invited to to announce the names of those who made it through. Initially, I didn't understand why they had to make it so grand. I was so worried of being in the list of students who failed. I just couldn't bear the thought of myself enduring the embarrassment alone like a defeated warrior while others rejoiced over their respective victory. You wouldn't call me kiasu, if you could understand the helplessness I felt.

The moment my name was announced, my tears began to flow. With the immediate thought that crying publicly wasn't really congruent with the masculinity that I'd always tried to feign, I rushed to the toilet. I returned, only to realize that many of my comrades were eye-misted too and hugging one another.

I felt a sense of achievement though it was only the beginning of the career I chose.

And I finally understood why they had to make it grand.

I want to father a child

Just a few weeks back, an earthquake wreaked havoc in Christchurch, New Zealand, killing more than 150 people. 

And now, my heart goes out to the victims in Japan which was hit by a massive earthquake of a magnitude of 8.9 and more than 150 aftershocks, triggering gargantuan tsunami waves that invaded its eastern coastline.

In case you haven't noticed, a lot of disasters have occurred lately, devastating the lives of millions of people. There're even rumours about the Niburu planet that's going to criss-cross Earth's orbit and collide with her.

So, maybe the doom's day they've been talking about is real. Perhaps, the end of mankind is imminent. Is it going to be like what's depicted in the movie '2012', with multiple tectonic plate movements culminating in monstrous tsunamis that'll annihilate almost the entire human race?

As risible as it may sound, I actually had a tentative plan to store up adequate amounts of food and water as catastrophe draws near. But then, on a second thought, nothing can really prepare me for it.

Instead, I'm thinking of things I haven't got the chance to do. For instance, fathering a child, although I don't even have a boyfriend at the moment to start with.

Life moves on. Professional exam's just 3 weeks away. And I'm expected to know everything from A-Z as far as medicine is concerned at undergraduate level. I can't believe I'll be treating patients in a few months' time! The good old days seem to have whizzed past me in a twinkling of an eye.

For those of you who don't know me in person, would you like to be treated by Lucifer? :) No consultation fee or unnecessary physical contacts.

Firework

They make such a cute couple. They look very compatible with each other. Very pleasant indeed to see how well the the masculinity of the top that never fails to make me tachypneic complements with the astounding and seductive beauty of the bottom.

And now I'm beginning to think that I was the one having an amorous delusion and with the naivety to even think that my destiny had miraculously had a lucky twist.

I do feel a tinge of sadness, which is complicated and amplified by feelings of inferiority stemming partly from my corpulence. I still wonder with disdain how it'd have turned out if I were physically hotter and nearer.

Nevertheless, listening to Katy Perry's Firework does boost my morale and make me feel better and hopeful.

This song is dedicated to those there who's having a hard time, trying in vain to lose weight or who's failed miserably in winning the heart of someone you like.

There's a firework in everyone. Do not be dispirited nor belittle yourself. You gotta ignite it. And let it shine. 

If you dont like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude and the way you see it. Lingering on self-pity is obviously not going to get you anywhere.

Maybe you're reason why all the doors are closed
So you could open one that leads you to the perfect road
Like a lightning bolt, your heart will blow

Spiritually uplifted

I performed a neurological examination on a boy with a non-neurological pathology today. 

Nothing warms your heart more than a co-operative kid who beams broadly at you and obeys all your instructions. He's very very adorable so much so that, for a brief moment of insanity, I actually wished that I had a son like him. 

It's so heart-warming to hear his chuckles when I tested his Babinski's reflex. To see his cheerful facial expression when I stroke my tendon hammer against his patellar tendon. And to see the joy and innocence in his eyes as I built my rapport with him.

It's impossible to describe in words how uplifted I felt just by these simple gestures. You have to experience it yourself to understand what I'm trying to convey. 

That's one thing I like about paediatric patients. They have no pretense at all. And when they smile, you know that they like you and it just miraculously makes you feel good and boosts your confidence.

The kid was treated for acute post-streptococcal glomerulonephritis. He's doing absolutely fine. Doubt he'll develop any complications. May he be discharged soon!

I feel so great now that it eclipses my underlying melancholy which is in a way related to my previous post. Occasionally, I wonder why certain things seem so ordinary and easily attainable by others and yet, to me, they always appear to be so indistinct on the distant horizon, blurred by a thick mist of impossibility in between and forever out of my reach.

Never mind. I still feel great now. And I also feel a tremendous sense of achievement for I correctly calculated the amount of fluid correction needed for another kid with acute gastroenteritis with severe dehydration.

Now, who wants to make babies with me? 

Although I'm apparently not a good candidate for fathering a child, considering that I lost my wallet twice within a year, I still want to. Period.

Defeated

Meh! I wasn't really into him anyway. But, at least, I thought he was a potential boyfriend.

Everything seemed pretty fine until Frodo emerged out of nowhere and brilliantly intercepted all the vague and subtle hints I'd been sending to Ambrosius without my knowledge.

So, in the end, I was effortlessly exterminated. Like a soldier ambushed from behind and instantly shot to death. Painlessly.

I lost the game. To someone who looks prettier than me but has alopecia and is as tall as a hobbit.

Although my description of Frodo sounds a bit too pejorative with a mixture of jealousy and the smell of vengeance, I'm definitely not as vindictive as I might sound.

I was just filled with some sort of inexplicable desolation and animosity. Which I think is quite acceptable when someone you like chooses someone else instead of you. Maybe, I haven't garnered enough experiences in love to anticipate certain possibilities and to realize the importance of certain variables that will influence the outcome. And God must have been very compassionate to let me have a glimpse of the heartbreaks that usually accompany one thing in life that is never enough, which is love.

In future, if I ever fall for someone again, I will make my feelings clear and be assertive, which trumps shyly keeping all your feelings to yourself and not getting what you want in the end.

Lastly, I'd like to thank Lexxie for comforting me and telling me what I needed to hear. So sweet of him! :) And those mouth-watering biceps of his! Argh!

Nice to meet you, Wayne

I've been going out quite a lot with Wayne.

I don't know why I tend to get along better with guys who're already attached.

Maybe, the boundary is clearer. Being a natural advocate for monogamy, destroying a couple's relationship as a third party is an unforgivable sin I can never bring myself to commit. Well, perhaps, I've fantasized myself doing it, especially if the other party is hot and so my type. But, a fantasy is a fantasy.

And maybe, I feel less pressured too when hanging out with guys whose pants I have no intention to get into. I don't have to consciously extend my neck so that my double chins appear less apparent. I don't have to doll myself up to just to look impressive.

I like hanging out with Wayne despite the fact that he's got a loving boyfriend. I hope my benign invasion into their relationship will not result in any unwanted harm or damage.

After all, I just feel lonely. I wish I'd got to know him earlier. Not when I'm going to leave this place for good in a few months' time.

That being said, it doesn't mean that I'm going to invest any lesser in this friendship compared to the others.

Nice to meet you, Wayne!

By the way, Wayne is kinda hot and f-abs-bulous. :)

7 years

He was the first guy I felt deeply in love with. That was 7 years ago.

He played this song for me. I sat beside him. I secretly wished he would reciprocate my love.

And 7 years ago, I came out to him too.

7 years later

Same song

Same person

He's still straight.

The feelings are gone. But, we're still friends.

But, I still remember how I felt 7 years ago. And how my heart melted whenever he played that song for me while I sat silently beside him, watching his fingers dance gracefully on the keys.

Watching his debut video clip on YouTube makes me feel as though I'm revisiting a place where everything has changed except the scenery and surrounding environment. It also reminds me of the reasons for which I subconsciously fell for him.

去年今日此门中，
人面桃花相映红。 
人面不知何处去，
桃花依旧笑春风。

近水楼台先得月

I guess I've lost even before the game has started. 

My competitor is way too formidable. Even I almost fell for his ravishing beauty.

Never mind, Joey. Your chance will come. Be confident.

回头草

I passed by Bangsar Village.

And I thought of him.

Sometimes, you wish you could undo certain things you've done. But, you just know it's impossible.

I hate myself

I know I shouldn't hate myself. But now, I really do.

Why am I such a kid? Why am I so careless? Why can't I just grow and be a more responsible and careful adult?

Mom, sorry for all the troubles and inconvenience caused. I have no one to blame but me.

I don't like this. I wish someone could give me one tight slap as a trigger for me to cry. 

I feel so low and inferior. 

I don't like this. But, I have to go through this. To suffer the consequences of my recklessness.

I don't deserve to be happy for tonight. I shall spend my evening in silence and reflect on all my blunders. I'd also want to spend some time chanting mantras and my Guru's Heart Sutra, not to alleviate my guilt, but to calm myself down. 

I hope it's still not too late to turn over a new leaf. 

Damn. I hate this. =(

Merci beaucoup!

I'd like to express my gratitude to the minority of my readers who actually like my blog and appreciate what I write. Merci beaucoup! Thank you very much. 

Sorry if I'd failed you in any way. My blog content is apparently not based on what other people like to read. My blog is nothing more than a private punching bag of mine which allows me to unleash the negative emotions and feelings welled up in me. Whenever I blog about something unhappy, I actually feel happier. I convert my negative thoughts to voiceless words, make myself sound as devastated as possible and place them on my blog.

Unhappy thoughts may not be permanently erasable. But, blogging not only makes it easier for them to be relegated to the back of my mind, if not completely obliterated, but it also replaces all the sadness with an ephemeral pleasure.

Hence, my gullible readers, don't be fooled by the melancholic tone of most of my blog entries. In fact, I'm quite a jovial person who laughs a lot. =) I seldom blog about happy events because, unlike negative emotions, they don't inflict a gnawing pain on your heart and make you feel unloved and bullied or as if you're going to explode.

Stress is detrimental to one's soul. Mental illnesses are multifactorial. And stress is known to play a vital role in the aetiology of such mental illnesses as schizophrenia, major depressive disorder and bipolar disorder. I certainly do not want to wake up one morning only to realize that I fulfill the DSM-IV criteria for any of the aforementioned psychiatric disorders.

On top of that, blogging also allows me to jot down and beautifully describe every micro-emotion that I feel. This is something my digital camera cannot capture. And if I don't write and blog about them, I'm afraid I'll forget. If only I had better vocabulary and more time!

By the way, I'll be going back to university later in the evening. And I'm anticipating a lot of stress. Ahh! I could really use a bang hug sometimes!

So, do I write like a doctor already? xD Yeah, that's my handwriting in the photo above.

Parlez-vous Francais?

Attended a gathering at a karaoke lounge. To my astonishment, no one noticed that I gained weight. In fact, some of them asked if I'd shed some. What the heck? Haha. I hope they weren't being sarcastic.

Ahh. It's really tiring to live in a society that fetishizes slimness. When you're meeting a group of friends whom you haven't seen for ages, people will always gauge how much weight you have gained, or lost. It's a spinal reflex. But then, I guess I'm too self-conscious sometimes.

Bonjour! Comment ca va? Je m'appelle Lucifer. J'ai 24 ans. Je suis de Malaysia. Je suis gay. Je me sens seule. Je veux un copain.

Haha. How does that sound? It's an introduction of myself in French. I'd always wanted to learn a foreign language but never had the will too. Yesterday, for the first time in my life, I made a serious effort to. Was initially torn between Italian and French. Eventually, I chose the latter.

Why French? Well, somehow, I feel connected to it. There's quite a number of words and phrases in English which originate from French. For instance, joie de vivre, coup de grace, c'est la vie, faux pas, bon voyage, bon appetit, adroit, belle, ballet, a la carte and bureau. In medicine, you come across plenty of French terms too, namely peau d' orange sign, cafe au lait spots, cancer en cuirasse, coup and contracoup injuries, Boerhaave syndrome, Troisier's sign and so on.

The part I find most intriguing is the pronunciation. C'est magnifique! Besides, I find it very impressive to be able to speak a foreign language. I can imagine my future boyfriend boasting to his friends about how I can turn him on by whispering some dirty romantic French words to him.

Hopefully, I'll be determined enough to learn the language. They say that Italian sounds sexier. I might want to learn Italian too in future. I wish I had the time. Classes will resume next Monday.

Professional exam's in April. The mock exam falls precisely on my birthday next month. Great! Internal medicine. General surgery. Obstetrics and gynaecology. Orthopaedic surgery. Paediatrics. Radiology. Ahh crap! I don't even want to think about the study load now. Not to mention that I'll spend my 24th birthday burning the midnight oil. C'est la vie!

Au revoir! Bonne nuit.

Dolce far niente

After much deliberation, I decided to fly home after exam.

Life after exam is always nice. After all the mugging and toiling, believe me, you just don't feel like doing anything temporarily when it's over. Hence, I've been spending the past few days enjoying a form of pleasant idleness described by Elizabeth Gilbert as dolce far niente, an Italian phrase which literally means the sweetness of doing nothing. 

It seemed everyone had a blast on New Year's Eve, embracing the arrival of 2011 with new resolutions and hopes surrounded by friends and liquor. I don't mean to sound pathetic. But, I actually spent my New Year's Eve watching porn alone in my room. 

Well, it's not like no one asked me out. I just happened to be in my hometown and none of my friends were actually in town. Hmm. Not convincing. Alright. Honestly, I don't really have many friends. I'm talking about someone who'd drop anything at hand and stand by you when you have a nervous breakdown. Or when you ridiculously want someone to acknowledge or to pretend that you're the most important person in the world, that nothing else matters but you. Right. I don't have that 'someone' in my life.

Fine. I don't want to be too melodramatic here. Someone's been complaining about it. 

On a happier note, I spent my evening dancing to Lady Gaga's Poker Face today. I found a clip on YouTube and started ... erm .. wait. 'Dancing' may not be an appropriate word here. Because I don't really dance, you see. I did try to mimic the choreographer and learn a few steps and moves. Ha! I'm sure you'd guffaw or laugh your head off if you'd seen how clumsily I danced. There's a reason why I make excuses to stay away from the dance floor when I'm in MP. So, hopefully, my self-learning can prepare myself to face the dance floor more confidently when I revisit MP.

This picture was taken during a street dance competition at a mall a few weeks back. Sorry, I'm not a good photographer. I always admire people who can intrigue or enchant their audience with their talents. Sometimes, I wish I can be like them, in addition to being the bookworm frantically trying to keep his head above the water.

My New Year's resolutions? Eat less. Exercise more. Pass my professional exam. Be a competent doctor. And hunt for a boyfriend.