I've been going out quite a lot with Wayne.
I don't know why I tend to get along better with guys who're already attached.
Maybe, the boundary is clearer. Being a natural advocate for monogamy, destroying a couple's relationship as a third party is an unforgivable sin I can never bring myself to commit. Well, perhaps, I've fantasized myself doing it, especially if the other party is hot and so my type. But, a fantasy is a fantasy.
And maybe, I feel less pressured too when hanging out with guys whose pants I have no intention to get into. I don't have to consciously extend my neck so that my double chins appear less apparent. I don't have to doll myself up to just to look impressive.
I like hanging out with Wayne despite the fact that he's got a loving boyfriend. I hope my benign invasion into their relationship will not result in any unwanted harm or damage.
After all, I just feel lonely. I wish I'd got to know him earlier. Not when I'm going to leave this place for good in a few months' time.
That being said, it doesn't mean that I'm going to invest any lesser in this friendship compared to the others.
Nice to meet you, Wayne!
By the way, Wayne is kinda hot and f-abs-bulous. :)
Showing posts with label Friends. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Friends. Show all posts
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Sunday, December 19, 2010
A box of sweets
Ee needs to present the case of the lady with colloid goitre in the ward to one of the consultant surgeons tomorrow morning. A case which I had presented during a bedside teaching session yesterday.
According to her, she didn't have the opportunity to clerk the patient due to time constraints. What a lame excuse, I thought. Hence, I had to lend her my clerking sheet.
After coming back from watching Tron : Legacy, I had to trudge reluctantly to the cafeteria a few blocks away to pass my clerking sheet to her. And she caught me by surprise by giving me a box of sweets as a repayment.
Yes, I was astonished. It's so sweet of her. Really.
Ee and I aren't really close. In class, she's kinda obscure. I'm not trying to sound egoistic and complacent here. But, there are always people in your class whom you know won't pose any threat to you academically or in any way. And I guess she's one of them.
Well, the point I'd like to highlight here is, when you lend someone (whoever the person may be) a helping hand, without any expectation of being repaid, you never know what's in store for you.
I was actually kinda touched. As if I was embraced by a blanket of warmth and infused with a lingering sensation of sweetness. Something I hadn't experienced in a while.
Thanks, Ee.
Thanks, Ee.
Monday, October 4, 2010
Tuls, thank you
I'm really really tense.
My last class today ended at 8pm. My mind could barely absorb anything when someone was going through some of the inconsequential details of the management of hepatic encephalopathy based on the American Association for the Study of Liver Diseases.
I feel so tired. I feel like crying. I feel like collapsing.
I've got so many things to do. So many things to read up on.
I have to present a case of Crohn's disease to the head of the medical department tomorrow. I've got a case report which I've completed due to procrastination. I've just rejected a girl very politely by coming out to her. It was a spur-of-moment decision which I hope I won't regret. Apart from that, my beloved car is still being hospitalized. And I'm still waiting indefinitely for it to be discharged.
I texted Tuls out of desperation and frustration, compelling him to say something nice that would soothe my soul.
To my surprise, he did, very obediently.
I smiled.
I really did.
I wish I had my own boyfriend (instead of someone else's) whom I can exploit when I'm in such a predicament.
But, for a moment, I could forget the saddening fact that there'd been nothing really significant in my sexual history and grinned as I read his SMS-es for the second time.
Thank you, Tuls.
My last class today ended at 8pm. My mind could barely absorb anything when someone was going through some of the inconsequential details of the management of hepatic encephalopathy based on the American Association for the Study of Liver Diseases.
I feel so tired. I feel like crying. I feel like collapsing.
I've got so many things to do. So many things to read up on.
I have to present a case of Crohn's disease to the head of the medical department tomorrow. I've got a case report which I've completed due to procrastination. I've just rejected a girl very politely by coming out to her. It was a spur-of-moment decision which I hope I won't regret. Apart from that, my beloved car is still being hospitalized. And I'm still waiting indefinitely for it to be discharged.
I texted Tuls out of desperation and frustration, compelling him to say something nice that would soothe my soul.
To my surprise, he did, very obediently.
I smiled.
I really did.
I wish I had my own boyfriend (instead of someone else's) whom I can exploit when I'm in such a predicament.
But, for a moment, I could forget the saddening fact that there'd been nothing really significant in my sexual history and grinned as I read his SMS-es for the second time.
Thank you, Tuls.
Friday, September 17, 2010
DotA
As far as I can recollect, I started playing DotA when I was still in the pre-university phase of my life.
There's a bunch of hot hunks from Jit Sin High School who're all DotA freaks. Well, I guess what kindled my interest in playing the game was self-explanatory. When you're a teenager, your peers have a colossal influence on what you do because you want to fit in and not be the social outcast everyone shuns. I even played futsal with them. However, it's a harrowing experience. I must admit that ' atheletic ' is not exactly an adjective I'd describe myself with.
Nevertheless, playing DotA has inconceivably become one of my most favourite pastimes at present. It's not just the game or the ecstasy you experience when you kill an enemy with skills and tactics that develop only after years of practice for noobs like me. Or the recuperative powers it promises after an exhausting examination week. Apart from the indisputable fact that it's the cheapest entertainment you can ever get, it fosters good relationships between my friends and I.
Similar to most guys in general, I'm just another colonial animal incapable of functioning well socially on a solitary basis. The complications that invariably arose in my history of befriending straight guys necessitate no further explanations here. Therefore, DotA, to me, is the equivalent of a friendship lubricant which has played a crucial role in helping me establish a good rapport with my friends in university. Friends whom I can walk with in pride, sending an implicit message to others that we're a group of buddies indispensable from one another. Furthermore, it has also helped me reconnect with my old friends.
Playing DotA is somewhat analogous to drug intoxication. You can momentarily forget about the abysmal fact that you just gained a pound or that the hunk you've been stalking online is officially ignoring you. You become engulfed in euphoria and rapture. On top of that, you feel a deep sense of togetherness and comradeship which stems from the team work that naturally exists among your teammates when the game is going on.
Thanks to DotA and Garena, I've become a regular patron of cybercafes. We can literally spend a century in them, especially those with an interior similar to that of a spaceship. One thing I like about cybercafes is the sight of thuggish twinks with ear studs, tattoos and ludicrously dyed hair, often heard yelling at one another with profanities.
The exciting thing is, many of them are appallingly hunky and hot. Which is the part that totally trumps my fear for my unnecessary exposure to passive smoking that increases my risk of suffering from bronchial carcinoma.
Gang fights are not uncommon. As risible and infantile it may sound, a defeat or loss in a virtual war can fuel anger and dissatisfaction strong enough to induce a gang fight. I personally witnessed one in a a cybercafe in Genting Klang a few months back. One from which Keng and I almost suffered collateral damage from had we not fled in time.
May the game always be in vogue.
There's a bunch of hot hunks from Jit Sin High School who're all DotA freaks. Well, I guess what kindled my interest in playing the game was self-explanatory. When you're a teenager, your peers have a colossal influence on what you do because you want to fit in and not be the social outcast everyone shuns. I even played futsal with them. However, it's a harrowing experience. I must admit that ' atheletic ' is not exactly an adjective I'd describe myself with.
Nevertheless, playing DotA has inconceivably become one of my most favourite pastimes at present. It's not just the game or the ecstasy you experience when you kill an enemy with skills and tactics that develop only after years of practice for noobs like me. Or the recuperative powers it promises after an exhausting examination week. Apart from the indisputable fact that it's the cheapest entertainment you can ever get, it fosters good relationships between my friends and I.
Similar to most guys in general, I'm just another colonial animal incapable of functioning well socially on a solitary basis. The complications that invariably arose in my history of befriending straight guys necessitate no further explanations here. Therefore, DotA, to me, is the equivalent of a friendship lubricant which has played a crucial role in helping me establish a good rapport with my friends in university. Friends whom I can walk with in pride, sending an implicit message to others that we're a group of buddies indispensable from one another. Furthermore, it has also helped me reconnect with my old friends.
Playing DotA is somewhat analogous to drug intoxication. You can momentarily forget about the abysmal fact that you just gained a pound or that the hunk you've been stalking online is officially ignoring you. You become engulfed in euphoria and rapture. On top of that, you feel a deep sense of togetherness and comradeship which stems from the team work that naturally exists among your teammates when the game is going on.
Thanks to DotA and Garena, I've become a regular patron of cybercafes. We can literally spend a century in them, especially those with an interior similar to that of a spaceship. One thing I like about cybercafes is the sight of thuggish twinks with ear studs, tattoos and ludicrously dyed hair, often heard yelling at one another with profanities.
The exciting thing is, many of them are appallingly hunky and hot. Which is the part that totally trumps my fear for my unnecessary exposure to passive smoking that increases my risk of suffering from bronchial carcinoma.
Gang fights are not uncommon. As risible and infantile it may sound, a defeat or loss in a virtual war can fuel anger and dissatisfaction strong enough to induce a gang fight. I personally witnessed one in a a cybercafe in Genting Klang a few months back. One from which Keng and I almost suffered collateral damage from had we not fled in time.
May the game always be in vogue.
Friday, September 10, 2010
Absence makes the heart grow fonder
We didn't play paintball last Sunday due to the torrential downpour when we arrived at the venue. The game was postponed to this morning.
The game was enjoyable. I could feel a sense of camaraderie as we fought against our opponents on the battlefield. The only thing that irked me was my lack of agility, attributable to my relatively enormous size which made me an easy target. For a moment, I wished there's a weaponry shop just like in DotA from which I could purchase an Eaglehorn to increase my agility or a Lothar's edge which would enable me to become invisible and evade the onslaught of pellets.
We did pretty well in the beginning but in the the end, we actually lost to an opponent team which only comprised girls, one of whom is my fag hag, Alicia. It's extremely humiliating. Living in a society where male chauvinism is still deeply entrenched, I couldn't help but feel that our loss was an utter disgrace. Perhaps, the game has got more to do with precision, speed and agility - which I'm devoid of - than the gender of the participants.
We had lunch in a restaurant. We hardly hang out in such a huge group these days since we've got different postings. Alicia sat opposite me.
Alicia's the only person among us who knows I'm gay. We're pretty good friends. I kinda like her because she outperforms me in almost everything. Studies, singing, debating, public speaking, drawing, dancing, general knowledge, Mathematics and the list goes on. To recapitulate, she's formidable and intimidating. Which explains why she has difficulty finding a boyfriend despite her beauty. Any straight guy would have felt daunted, I guess, unless he's talented and intellectually up to par.
But then, I always tell her that she shouldn't be choosy and that it's impossible to meet a perfect guy with a package of good physique and intelligence as well as all the qualities she wanted. In fact, nowadays, female doctors are NOT the type of girls straight guys will consciously choose to date. I guess the reason is obvious. Correct me if I'm wrong.
The reason that we can be on the same wavelength is that I'm viscerally metrosexual. As contradictory as it may sound, I don't really mind being outwitted by her. Maybe, I'm gay. Hence, I don't care that much. When I hang out with her, I don't have to be the gentleman. I can remove my mask and be my genuine self. In fact, what takes me aback is that, sometimes, she's the knight in shining armour who protects me, making me feel like a complete bottom, which I don't think I am, technically speaking.
During lunch, Alicia regaled us with stories of my quirks when I lived with her during orthopaedics posting and how I liked to wander in the house clad only in a piece of towel. I suddenly miss all the squables and bickering matches we used to have.
Absence does make the heart grow fonder.
Alicia : 吃那么多？不是在减肥吗？
Me: 不减了。我没有了''目标''。没有了''理想''。没有了减肥的理由。
Alicia: 就是这样，才必须更积极啊！
She knows how desperate I am for a boyfriend. We tend to use subtle words with hidden meanings when we communicate with each other to avert suspicion. I thought for a few seconds and realized that what she said actually made sense. Maybe, do gay guys tend to shy away from dorky med students like me too?
I'm going to play basketball now. Enjoy your weekend. Selamat Hairy Raya, especially to Ameer Zachery. =)
The game was enjoyable. I could feel a sense of camaraderie as we fought against our opponents on the battlefield. The only thing that irked me was my lack of agility, attributable to my relatively enormous size which made me an easy target. For a moment, I wished there's a weaponry shop just like in DotA from which I could purchase an Eaglehorn to increase my agility or a Lothar's edge which would enable me to become invisible and evade the onslaught of pellets.
We did pretty well in the beginning but in the the end, we actually lost to an opponent team which only comprised girls, one of whom is my fag hag, Alicia. It's extremely humiliating. Living in a society where male chauvinism is still deeply entrenched, I couldn't help but feel that our loss was an utter disgrace. Perhaps, the game has got more to do with precision, speed and agility - which I'm devoid of - than the gender of the participants.
We had lunch in a restaurant. We hardly hang out in such a huge group these days since we've got different postings. Alicia sat opposite me.
Alicia's the only person among us who knows I'm gay. We're pretty good friends. I kinda like her because she outperforms me in almost everything. Studies, singing, debating, public speaking, drawing, dancing, general knowledge, Mathematics and the list goes on. To recapitulate, she's formidable and intimidating. Which explains why she has difficulty finding a boyfriend despite her beauty. Any straight guy would have felt daunted, I guess, unless he's talented and intellectually up to par.
But then, I always tell her that she shouldn't be choosy and that it's impossible to meet a perfect guy with a package of good physique and intelligence as well as all the qualities she wanted. In fact, nowadays, female doctors are NOT the type of girls straight guys will consciously choose to date. I guess the reason is obvious. Correct me if I'm wrong.
The reason that we can be on the same wavelength is that I'm viscerally metrosexual. As contradictory as it may sound, I don't really mind being outwitted by her. Maybe, I'm gay. Hence, I don't care that much. When I hang out with her, I don't have to be the gentleman. I can remove my mask and be my genuine self. In fact, what takes me aback is that, sometimes, she's the knight in shining armour who protects me, making me feel like a complete bottom, which I don't think I am, technically speaking.
During lunch, Alicia regaled us with stories of my quirks when I lived with her during orthopaedics posting and how I liked to wander in the house clad only in a piece of towel. I suddenly miss all the squables and bickering matches we used to have.
Absence does make the heart grow fonder.
Alicia : 吃那么多？不是在减肥吗？
Me: 不减了。我没有了''目标''。没有了''理想''。没有了减肥的理由。
Alicia: 就是这样，才必须更积极啊！
She knows how desperate I am for a boyfriend. We tend to use subtle words with hidden meanings when we communicate with each other to avert suspicion. I thought for a few seconds and realized that what she said actually made sense. Maybe, do gay guys tend to shy away from dorky med students like me too?
I'm going to play basketball now. Enjoy your weekend. Selamat Hairy Raya, especially to Ameer Zachery. =)
Sunday, September 5, 2010
My one-week break
Today's the last day of my one-week break.
I enjoyed every single second of my break. I was too busy playing.
We spent hours and hours on DotA and KTV. I was also able to finish half of Jodi Picoult's latest page turner entitled 'House Rules'. It's about a brilliant boy with Asperger's disorder who got accused of a murder he didn't commit. These are things I don't get to do when there're classes. And the thought of being able to sleep till my heart's content made life seem like a bed of roses. Well, at least for a week.
Derrick was in town last weekend. He asked me if I'd like to meet him and his friends in a local club. We aren't very close, partly due to the geographical difference between us. However, I'd say he's one of my most favourite gay friends. I still remember the white D&G shirt which revealed his perfectly sculptured chest that he wore when we first met. What he ordered in Delicious in Bangsar Village where we had our first meal together. I like his sense of humour.
Unfortunately, my car battery was dead. And one of the tyres was flat. Which explains why I couldn't meet him. Sigh. I guess my beloved car is in an imminent danger of multi-organ failure. He's aged. And I can only do so much to prolong his life.
Tomorrow's a new start. Hopefully, I'll get to meet cute housemen that'll keep me motivated make me go to the ward more than I'm supposed to. Besides, I look forward to clerking patients who're farmers or fishermen. They're usually hot. And I love to perform physical examinations on them, not for my solitary pleasure, but to hone my skills as a preparation for my end-of-posting exam. =D
I'll be playing paintball with my friends in the evening. RM 45 for 250 pellets. Hope it's worth it and that it'll mark a beautiful end to my one-week break.
Signing out.
I enjoyed every single second of my break. I was too busy playing.
We spent hours and hours on DotA and KTV. I was also able to finish half of Jodi Picoult's latest page turner entitled 'House Rules'. It's about a brilliant boy with Asperger's disorder who got accused of a murder he didn't commit. These are things I don't get to do when there're classes. And the thought of being able to sleep till my heart's content made life seem like a bed of roses. Well, at least for a week.
Derrick was in town last weekend. He asked me if I'd like to meet him and his friends in a local club. We aren't very close, partly due to the geographical difference between us. However, I'd say he's one of my most favourite gay friends. I still remember the white D&G shirt which revealed his perfectly sculptured chest that he wore when we first met. What he ordered in Delicious in Bangsar Village where we had our first meal together. I like his sense of humour.
Unfortunately, my car battery was dead. And one of the tyres was flat. Which explains why I couldn't meet him. Sigh. I guess my beloved car is in an imminent danger of multi-organ failure. He's aged. And I can only do so much to prolong his life.
Tomorrow's a new start. Hopefully, I'll get to meet cute housemen that'll keep me motivated make me go to the ward more than I'm supposed to. Besides, I look forward to clerking patients who're farmers or fishermen. They're usually hot. And I love to perform physical examinations on them, not for my solitary pleasure, but to hone my skills as a preparation for my end-of-posting exam. =D
I'll be playing paintball with my friends in the evening. RM 45 for 250 pellets. Hope it's worth it and that it'll mark a beautiful end to my one-week break.
Signing out.
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Playing basketball
I feel good. Savouring a cup of white coffee and listening to David Archuleta's songs.
Played basketball with my buddies today. Something we haven't been doing much together ever since we entered the clinical phase and we divided in different groups.
When you exercise, your pituitary gland releases endorphins into your brain and spinal cord. It has a high affinity for some opioid receptors through which morphine acts. Endorphins are responsible for reduced perception of pain and feelings of euphoria. They are secreted when you're having an orgasm. The chemicals partially explain why you feel good and high-spiritd after a strenuous exercise (or an ejaculation).
The sun was blazing. I guess we went too early. We had a vigorous play. It was extremely exhausting. I wish I were as agile and athletic as RW. I felt happy. We had lots of fun and laughter.
As we sat on the ground to give our hypoglycaemic and dehydrated bodies a break, I began to contemplate my life and future. We're already in final year. We've been good buddies, though they're hardcore homophobes. At that particular moment, I wondered if things would still be the same after graduation, as I reluctantly listened to their suggestive jokes involving the opposite gender, feigning excitement.
They've been great friends though. When something goes wrong with my car or when my car battery goes flat, they're the ones who bail me out. In short, they're just excellent in things I'm incapable or afraid of dealing with. Don't get me wrong. I'm not fond of behaving like a damsel in distress. It's just that there're certain things I can be very dumb in. No doubt, their dressing sense totally sucks and turns me off. Yet, they possess certain qualities which I find somewhat admirable.
I can prophesy myself drifting away from them in future due to their homophobic nature and antiquated ideas about homosexuality. We'll part with one another, lead different lives and meet different people. Sometimes, it's saddening that this might be the outcome even though we've shared many wonderful moments together. Nonetheless, sometimes, it's agonizing to be a gay in disguise. I always shudder at the thought of their discovering my sexuality.
Ah! What the heck? I told myself not to be so despondent about my life, being gay and continued playing basketball.
Friendships can be likened to straight lines which intersect and criss-cross your life at certain points. Somewhere along the way the friendships just cease to blossom for no apparent reason, although the footprints left in your heart are permanent. After all, how many of those who were once your best buddies are you still close to?
Before I rest my pen, I'd like to dedicate this song to you. David Archuleta's version of Angels. I've been listening to it for over and over again for the past one week. :)
I sit and wait
Does an angel contemplate my fate?
When I'm feeling weak
and my pain walks down a one way street
I look above
and I know I'll always be blessed with love.
Played basketball with my buddies today. Something we haven't been doing much together ever since we entered the clinical phase and we divided in different groups.
When you exercise, your pituitary gland releases endorphins into your brain and spinal cord. It has a high affinity for some opioid receptors through which morphine acts. Endorphins are responsible for reduced perception of pain and feelings of euphoria. They are secreted when you're having an orgasm. The chemicals partially explain why you feel good and high-spiritd after a strenuous exercise (or an ejaculation).
The sun was blazing. I guess we went too early. We had a vigorous play. It was extremely exhausting. I wish I were as agile and athletic as RW. I felt happy. We had lots of fun and laughter.
As we sat on the ground to give our hypoglycaemic and dehydrated bodies a break, I began to contemplate my life and future. We're already in final year. We've been good buddies, though they're hardcore homophobes. At that particular moment, I wondered if things would still be the same after graduation, as I reluctantly listened to their suggestive jokes involving the opposite gender, feigning excitement.
They've been great friends though. When something goes wrong with my car or when my car battery goes flat, they're the ones who bail me out. In short, they're just excellent in things I'm incapable or afraid of dealing with. Don't get me wrong. I'm not fond of behaving like a damsel in distress. It's just that there're certain things I can be very dumb in. No doubt, their dressing sense totally sucks and turns me off. Yet, they possess certain qualities which I find somewhat admirable.
I can prophesy myself drifting away from them in future due to their homophobic nature and antiquated ideas about homosexuality. We'll part with one another, lead different lives and meet different people. Sometimes, it's saddening that this might be the outcome even though we've shared many wonderful moments together. Nonetheless, sometimes, it's agonizing to be a gay in disguise. I always shudder at the thought of their discovering my sexuality.
Ah! What the heck? I told myself not to be so despondent about my life, being gay and continued playing basketball.
Friendships can be likened to straight lines which intersect and criss-cross your life at certain points. Somewhere along the way the friendships just cease to blossom for no apparent reason, although the footprints left in your heart are permanent. After all, how many of those who were once your best buddies are you still close to?
Before I rest my pen, I'd like to dedicate this song to you. David Archuleta's version of Angels. I've been listening to it for over and over again for the past one week. :)
I sit and wait
Does an angel contemplate my fate?
When I'm feeling weak
and my pain walks down a one way street
I look above
and I know I'll always be blessed with love.
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Distancing myself from Ryan
Ryan: Can I hold your hand?
Me: Errr.....
We were in his car. Before I even I had the time to rationalize his sudden and bold attempt to do so, I could already feel the warmth of his palm on mine.
I was flabbergasted.
No. I didn't enjoy it. I didn't feel the jittery rush of adrenaline I experienced when Efkay held my hand in his car. Neither did I have the erection that almost immediately developed when he started caressing my thigh, making my heart beat erratically with extreme excitement and lust.
Ryan's a friend of mine. We've been hanging out pretty much for the past one year. Our relationship, or more precisely, friendship, is completely platonic. He's totally not my type.
I always have the tendency to become very shy in the presence of someone I find hot, or someone who's so my type and whom I have a crush on. I stammer. I blush. I become tongue-tied and clumsy. I say ludicrous things that embarrass me. Sometimes, I feel inferior too, especially if the guy is very attractive. Thousands of thoughts will be racing through my mind. Am I hot today? Does he like the scent of the cologne I'm wearing? Is my tummy still protuberant after a voluntary effort to contract my rectus abdominis muscles hopelessly buried under multiple layers of abdominal fat? Do I look slim? Is my facial fat very obvious? Does he think I'm fat? Do I sound a like no-brainer? Do I look too desperate? Simply put, I experience something which can be summed up in a Chinese phrase -- 小鹿乱撞。
I don't really have a gay friend in where I'm studying. I don't have a clan like some of the bloggers. Or a group of best gay friends with whom you occasionally have meals and watch movies together. Hence, I hang out with Ryan for he's the only one who seems to be available. Owing to the fact that I'm not attracted to him physically, sexually and intellectually, I don't feel pressured. I talk whatever I want with him without the fear of being judged. I always meet him in flip-flops and sloppily dressed, unless we are going to places which require us to be dressed to kill.
Despite the numerous hints that he wants something more than friendship, I pay heed to none of them and just play dumb, assuming that he'd be brilliant enough to get the message. I've never exploited his kindness, as in letting him foot the bills when we hang out or buy me gifts, in order not to create a misunderstanding.
So, when Ryan held my hand, I was struck dumb with astonishment and confusion for a few seconds. And I could literally feel my perspiration trickling down my forehead.
I ingeniously switched our topic of conversation and politely pushed his hand away. I told him I wanted to show him the well-healed scar that had formed on my finger after I injured in accidentally 2 weeks ago.
Oh ya. Another thing. In spite of being intermittently horny, I loathe unnecessary physical contact. And for some inexplicable reason, Ryan's been doing that a lot lately, causing me considerable discomfort. He seems to have a particular liking for caressing my shoulders and touching my tummy. And I'm not even muscular or hot to begin with. My urge to warn him against doing that was only prevented by a reluctance to hurt his feelings.
I guess for the time being, I need to distance myself from him temporarily, although this means I might lose a friend and continue to delve deeper into loneliness. Besides, I need to learn to say no whenever the situation calls for it. My lack of assertiveness has many a time been misconstrued as a form of acceptance and frailty. And that's when people think that their love is requited and make advances (physically).
Aih. My prince, where are you?
Me: Errr.....
We were in his car. Before I even I had the time to rationalize his sudden and bold attempt to do so, I could already feel the warmth of his palm on mine.
I was flabbergasted.
No. I didn't enjoy it. I didn't feel the jittery rush of adrenaline I experienced when Efkay held my hand in his car. Neither did I have the erection that almost immediately developed when he started caressing my thigh, making my heart beat erratically with extreme excitement and lust.
Ryan's a friend of mine. We've been hanging out pretty much for the past one year. Our relationship, or more precisely, friendship, is completely platonic. He's totally not my type.
I always have the tendency to become very shy in the presence of someone I find hot, or someone who's so my type and whom I have a crush on. I stammer. I blush. I become tongue-tied and clumsy. I say ludicrous things that embarrass me. Sometimes, I feel inferior too, especially if the guy is very attractive. Thousands of thoughts will be racing through my mind. Am I hot today? Does he like the scent of the cologne I'm wearing? Is my tummy still protuberant after a voluntary effort to contract my rectus abdominis muscles hopelessly buried under multiple layers of abdominal fat? Do I look slim? Is my facial fat very obvious? Does he think I'm fat? Do I sound a like no-brainer? Do I look too desperate? Simply put, I experience something which can be summed up in a Chinese phrase -- 小鹿乱撞。
I don't really have a gay friend in where I'm studying. I don't have a clan like some of the bloggers. Or a group of best gay friends with whom you occasionally have meals and watch movies together. Hence, I hang out with Ryan for he's the only one who seems to be available. Owing to the fact that I'm not attracted to him physically, sexually and intellectually, I don't feel pressured. I talk whatever I want with him without the fear of being judged. I always meet him in flip-flops and sloppily dressed, unless we are going to places which require us to be dressed to kill.
Despite the numerous hints that he wants something more than friendship, I pay heed to none of them and just play dumb, assuming that he'd be brilliant enough to get the message. I've never exploited his kindness, as in letting him foot the bills when we hang out or buy me gifts, in order not to create a misunderstanding.
So, when Ryan held my hand, I was struck dumb with astonishment and confusion for a few seconds. And I could literally feel my perspiration trickling down my forehead.
I ingeniously switched our topic of conversation and politely pushed his hand away. I told him I wanted to show him the well-healed scar that had formed on my finger after I injured in accidentally 2 weeks ago.
Oh ya. Another thing. In spite of being intermittently horny, I loathe unnecessary physical contact. And for some inexplicable reason, Ryan's been doing that a lot lately, causing me considerable discomfort. He seems to have a particular liking for caressing my shoulders and touching my tummy. And I'm not even muscular or hot to begin with. My urge to warn him against doing that was only prevented by a reluctance to hurt his feelings.
I guess for the time being, I need to distance myself from him temporarily, although this means I might lose a friend and continue to delve deeper into loneliness. Besides, I need to learn to say no whenever the situation calls for it. My lack of assertiveness has many a time been misconstrued as a form of acceptance and frailty. And that's when people think that their love is requited and make advances (physically).
Aih. My prince, where are you?
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Lunar New Year
How's everyone celebrating Lunar New Year?
Wanted to write a lengthy post on how I celebrated CNY and my birthday. But, I guess i just didn't have the time. Was back for only 5 days.
My 23rd birthday is kinda special as I had the opportunity to blow the candles twice.
It's 3.30 am and we're gambling in Boon Ai's house. At the very moment when I thought my birthday had been forgotten, the lights were switched off and the host emerged from the darkness with 2 slices of cakes with lit candles on them. How sweet!
20 hours later, Nemo and Fang Lian came to my house with a Secret Recipe cake. There's a gathering in my house that night. And I really didn't see that coming. I was more than elated to have another round of cake-cutting and wish-making.
I bet you know how it feels when people actually remember your birthday and give you pleasant surprises. Besides, you know who really mean it when they say they care about you. I was kinda awkward and appeared blunted when everyone's singing around me. Yet, deep down in my heart, I was touched. My thoughts sorta reeled back to the moments when we're in high school. I miss the days when we studied like mad to ace in examinations and how we motivated one another. I miss the intense fear I felt before I sat for a paper. I miss the 3 guys I fell in love with but never had the chance to confess. I miss eating Nasi Lemak with Kelvin after Azurani's class. I miss Additional Mathematics and Chemistry. I miss debating. I miss the first blowjob in my life (though it was less than satisfactory), thanks to Kelvin. I miss fooling around with my classmates. I miss my graduation trip.
Except for the fact that I was outrageously fat, I had an otherwise happy adolescence. The memories I had during that period of time will never be obliterated from my mind.
Now, it seems almost everyone has got a stable relationship. It's not surprising at all to see everyone get married in a few years' time. And obviously, I'll be the one constantly bombarded with such questions as ' Where's your girlfriend? ' , 'Why you still don't have girlfriend ah? ', ' You so *toot* also nobody wants ah?', ' Are you gay?' and so on.
I'm not sure if we'll have gatherings of this scale in future when everyone's got his or her own family, career and kids. I don't know if I'll be gradually forgotten but right now what I can do is to cherish what I have.
God, let me pass my Psychiatry exam next week and please make Caleb gay. If the latter is not possible, get me a replacement by my next birthday. =)
Wanted to write a lengthy post on how I celebrated CNY and my birthday. But, I guess i just didn't have the time. Was back for only 5 days.
My 23rd birthday is kinda special as I had the opportunity to blow the candles twice.
It's 3.30 am and we're gambling in Boon Ai's house. At the very moment when I thought my birthday had been forgotten, the lights were switched off and the host emerged from the darkness with 2 slices of cakes with lit candles on them. How sweet!
20 hours later, Nemo and Fang Lian came to my house with a Secret Recipe cake. There's a gathering in my house that night. And I really didn't see that coming. I was more than elated to have another round of cake-cutting and wish-making.
I bet you know how it feels when people actually remember your birthday and give you pleasant surprises. Besides, you know who really mean it when they say they care about you. I was kinda awkward and appeared blunted when everyone's singing around me. Yet, deep down in my heart, I was touched. My thoughts sorta reeled back to the moments when we're in high school. I miss the days when we studied like mad to ace in examinations and how we motivated one another. I miss the intense fear I felt before I sat for a paper. I miss the 3 guys I fell in love with but never had the chance to confess. I miss eating Nasi Lemak with Kelvin after Azurani's class. I miss Additional Mathematics and Chemistry. I miss debating. I miss the first blowjob in my life (though it was less than satisfactory), thanks to Kelvin. I miss fooling around with my classmates. I miss my graduation trip.
Except for the fact that I was outrageously fat, I had an otherwise happy adolescence. The memories I had during that period of time will never be obliterated from my mind.
Now, it seems almost everyone has got a stable relationship. It's not surprising at all to see everyone get married in a few years' time. And obviously, I'll be the one constantly bombarded with such questions as ' Where's your girlfriend? ' , 'Why you still don't have girlfriend ah? ', ' You so *toot* also nobody wants ah?', ' Are you gay?' and so on.
I'm not sure if we'll have gatherings of this scale in future when everyone's got his or her own family, career and kids. I don't know if I'll be gradually forgotten but right now what I can do is to cherish what I have.
God, let me pass my Psychiatry exam next week and please make Caleb gay. If the latter is not possible, get me a replacement by my next birthday. =)
Saturday, February 13, 2010
Male bonding
I've become unbelievably close to Dan. Just like Caleb, Dan’s my junior as well. In fact, both of them are actually roommates.
The first time we talked was on Facebook, I remember. Didn’t pay much attention to him initially. However, what I thought was a formal greeting from a junior surprisingly led to the formation of a special bond between us. Before I realized what was going on, we’re already sending each other text messages containing a colossal amount of flirtation.
Our conversations mainly revolved around the mundane things of day-to-day life. Nevertheless, he was astoundingly bold in the way he flirted with me, as if he’d known my liking for guys. He wrote things that made me go gaga, things that a straight guy would certainly not say to another guy.
I could feel the authenticity of his sincerity and the care he’d shown towards me. He paid heed to everything little thing I mentioned. When I was doing Community Medicine Posting in a very provincial town, he surprised me with a piece of honey cake when he visited. He bought me an egg tart once to boost my spirits when he knew my mood was low. He bought me croissants because I said I liked them. He coaxed me into seeing a doctor when I was sick and treated me to an ice-cream to ensure my compliance to my medication. He motivated me when I was demoralized. He gave me wake-up calls whenever I needed one. We’d even watched a movie together, just the two of us.
It felt real, I must concede. Even till now, I think we behave like a couple more than friends at times. I’m not sure what he’s up to. Maybe, he just needs a brotherly figure to compensate for the loneliness he feels as the only child in his family.
I might have fallen for him. Yet, my rational self always gets the better of me. And fortunately, I still have Caleb to cling on to emotionally.
Dan has a girlfriend, by the way.
Gotta be cautious though. Being the most notorious pervert in med school who flirts with juniors of the same sex isn’t really a social stigma I’m very fond of.
The first time we talked was on Facebook, I remember. Didn’t pay much attention to him initially. However, what I thought was a formal greeting from a junior surprisingly led to the formation of a special bond between us. Before I realized what was going on, we’re already sending each other text messages containing a colossal amount of flirtation.
Our conversations mainly revolved around the mundane things of day-to-day life. Nevertheless, he was astoundingly bold in the way he flirted with me, as if he’d known my liking for guys. He wrote things that made me go gaga, things that a straight guy would certainly not say to another guy.
I could feel the authenticity of his sincerity and the care he’d shown towards me. He paid heed to everything little thing I mentioned. When I was doing Community Medicine Posting in a very provincial town, he surprised me with a piece of honey cake when he visited. He bought me an egg tart once to boost my spirits when he knew my mood was low. He bought me croissants because I said I liked them. He coaxed me into seeing a doctor when I was sick and treated me to an ice-cream to ensure my compliance to my medication. He motivated me when I was demoralized. He gave me wake-up calls whenever I needed one. We’d even watched a movie together, just the two of us.
It felt real, I must concede. Even till now, I think we behave like a couple more than friends at times. I’m not sure what he’s up to. Maybe, he just needs a brotherly figure to compensate for the loneliness he feels as the only child in his family.
I might have fallen for him. Yet, my rational self always gets the better of me. And fortunately, I still have Caleb to cling on to emotionally.
Dan has a girlfriend, by the way.
Gotta be cautious though. Being the most notorious pervert in med school who flirts with juniors of the same sex isn’t really a social stigma I’m very fond of.
Monday, September 28, 2009
Back to school
My holiday has come to end. Sigh.
Classes will resume today. Coming up next is Combined Specialties Posting which comprises 3 subjects, namely anaesthesiology, otorhinolaryngology (ear, nose, throat or ENT) and ophthalmology (eye).
I'm glad that I spent my entire one-week break enjoying pastimes a holiday-deprived med student would during his or her leisure. A week of invigorating break is all I need to re-energize and prepare myself before I continue the battle.
I miss the days when my best friends and I carpooled to the hospital which is 40 minutes away from my campus. We're in the same group then and almost always did everything together for the first few years in med school. We were able to economize a lot on petrol. Sad to say, by an unfortunate twist of fate, we're now in different groups now. The grouping changes yearly.
Hence, I'm basically on my own now.
Due to financial constraints, I've decided to carpool with Navin, a group member of mine, from tomorrow onwards despite the inconvenience that I've anticipated. My car is quite old and annoyingly very fuel-consuming. I can't afford to drive to the hospital myself daily.
He's an average lovesick heterosexual who's very friendly and generous. And I am, by no means, a racist nor a heterophobe. The thing is, we aren't really close, you see. Not to the extent that he's willing to wait for me if I want to clerk an interesting case in the ward after office hour. Apart from that, he's an intelligent fellow who sometimes approaches things with a somewhat lackadaisical attitude. Whereas, I'm the mediocre and more kiasu one, admittedly. So, apparently, we have different ways of doing things and needless to say, minor conflicts as well as bickering matches are bound to take place. Oh ya... did I mention that he's extremely homophobic too?
I'm sort of in a dilemma. The only thing we have in common is our liking for DotA and swimming.
Never mind. I've got to learn to be mature somehow. I'll try to as patient and accommodating as I can. Well, I'm not evil, anyway. In fact, I'm pretty approachable and fun to be with. I just find it hard to participate in a conversation about girls with him.
No worries. Things will be fine. I look forward to seeing the cute doctors in the ward. And hopefully, Dr Phuah's still around. =D
Classes will resume today. Coming up next is Combined Specialties Posting which comprises 3 subjects, namely anaesthesiology, otorhinolaryngology (ear, nose, throat or ENT) and ophthalmology (eye).
I'm glad that I spent my entire one-week break enjoying pastimes a holiday-deprived med student would during his or her leisure. A week of invigorating break is all I need to re-energize and prepare myself before I continue the battle.
I miss the days when my best friends and I carpooled to the hospital which is 40 minutes away from my campus. We're in the same group then and almost always did everything together for the first few years in med school. We were able to economize a lot on petrol. Sad to say, by an unfortunate twist of fate, we're now in different groups now. The grouping changes yearly.
Hence, I'm basically on my own now.
Due to financial constraints, I've decided to carpool with Navin, a group member of mine, from tomorrow onwards despite the inconvenience that I've anticipated. My car is quite old and annoyingly very fuel-consuming. I can't afford to drive to the hospital myself daily.
He's an average lovesick heterosexual who's very friendly and generous. And I am, by no means, a racist nor a heterophobe. The thing is, we aren't really close, you see. Not to the extent that he's willing to wait for me if I want to clerk an interesting case in the ward after office hour. Apart from that, he's an intelligent fellow who sometimes approaches things with a somewhat lackadaisical attitude. Whereas, I'm the mediocre and more kiasu one, admittedly. So, apparently, we have different ways of doing things and needless to say, minor conflicts as well as bickering matches are bound to take place. Oh ya... did I mention that he's extremely homophobic too?
I'm sort of in a dilemma. The only thing we have in common is our liking for DotA and swimming.
Never mind. I've got to learn to be mature somehow. I'll try to as patient and accommodating as I can. Well, I'm not evil, anyway. In fact, I'm pretty approachable and fun to be with. I just find it hard to participate in a conversation about girls with him.
No worries. Things will be fine. I look forward to seeing the cute doctors in the ward. And hopefully, Dr Phuah's still around. =D
Friday, September 25, 2009
Scuba-diving
I've been playing like mad every single day after my exam. We went to watch movies. Had nicer meals at nicer places. Played DotA endlessly. I even participated in a scuba-diving course with Jamie and Qing Ci under the Professional Association of Diving Instructors (PADI) and had got my licence.
There're certain things I told myself I had to accomplish before graduation. Well, I'd conquered Mount Kinabalu ( which was a feat), done white water rafting at Padas River and visited the Sepilok forest reserve and orang utan sanctuary. Now, the only thing left is snorkeling and scuba-diving in Sipadan Island, which boasts splendid world-class dive sites and scenic beaches, beckoning tens of thousands of tourists from all over the world each year. That explains my enthusiasm for attending the scuba-diving course.
It's a 3-day course. Cost us RM 670 each. And we got to scuba-dive at Mamutik Reef, Sapi Reef and Coral Garden off the coast of KK. It's a very enjoyable experience. It opened my eyes to the beautiful underwater world of rich marine habitats which I could only see superficially on the National Geographic or Discovery channels previously.
In the water, you're almost weightless. You control your buoyancy by inflating or deflating the buoyancy control device (BCD). You breathe through a scuba tank as you admire the awe-inspiring beauty of the fish and coral species in a myriad of colours. And it's very exhilarating when you try to reach out for the fishes that nonchalantly swim past you.
So, if you ever happen to be in the Land below the Wind, get your scuba-diving licence before going back. It's much cheaper here than in Peninsular Malaysia. Don't worry about drowning. I only got stung by a sea urchin because I underestimated the danger of playing with it.
The price is quite reasonable, considering that you get to ogle at hot guys sun-bathing and flaunting their six packs on the beaches. There're Jap guys who resembled those in my favourite porn collection! Oh my... I drooled ceaselessly looking at their asses and bulges. Stealthily took some pictures of them. Jamie almost caught me red-handed.
I'm going to Kundasang with my friends in a few hours' time. Yay! It's a highland popularly known as the foot of Mount Kinabalu. I've been there a couple of times. But, since Ah Teng offered to drive, I'm just gonna tag along.
There're certain things I told myself I had to accomplish before graduation. Well, I'd conquered Mount Kinabalu ( which was a feat), done white water rafting at Padas River and visited the Sepilok forest reserve and orang utan sanctuary. Now, the only thing left is snorkeling and scuba-diving in Sipadan Island, which boasts splendid world-class dive sites and scenic beaches, beckoning tens of thousands of tourists from all over the world each year. That explains my enthusiasm for attending the scuba-diving course.
It's a 3-day course. Cost us RM 670 each. And we got to scuba-dive at Mamutik Reef, Sapi Reef and Coral Garden off the coast of KK. It's a very enjoyable experience. It opened my eyes to the beautiful underwater world of rich marine habitats which I could only see superficially on the National Geographic or Discovery channels previously.
In the water, you're almost weightless. You control your buoyancy by inflating or deflating the buoyancy control device (BCD). You breathe through a scuba tank as you admire the awe-inspiring beauty of the fish and coral species in a myriad of colours. And it's very exhilarating when you try to reach out for the fishes that nonchalantly swim past you.
So, if you ever happen to be in the Land below the Wind, get your scuba-diving licence before going back. It's much cheaper here than in Peninsular Malaysia. Don't worry about drowning. I only got stung by a sea urchin because I underestimated the danger of playing with it.
The price is quite reasonable, considering that you get to ogle at hot guys sun-bathing and flaunting their six packs on the beaches. There're Jap guys who resembled those in my favourite porn collection! Oh my... I drooled ceaselessly looking at their asses and bulges. Stealthily took some pictures of them. Jamie almost caught me red-handed.
I'm going to Kundasang with my friends in a few hours' time. Yay! It's a highland popularly known as the foot of Mount Kinabalu. I've been there a couple of times. But, since Ah Teng offered to drive, I'm just gonna tag along.
Monday, September 21, 2009
Rants of an old gay
I've always subconsciously said or done things to manipulate people around me into thinking that I'm straight, attributable to the fact that I'm too timid to let them know about my sexuality.
Yet, I feel awful and am conscience-stricken. I've built a fortress around my real self so strong that no one around me really knows who I am. I think I'm a very fake person, in a way.
I do have several friends whom I spend most of my time with in where I'm studying. Yet, frankly speaking, I don't have a friend whom I can confide my innermost feelings in and that I can call to talk for hours when I'm upset. There're just too many things I can't reveal without raising their suspicion that I'm gay. Never have I intended to come out to them in view of their homophobic nature. Hence, everyone's constantly guessing which girl I'm seeing whenever I'm seen dressed up charmingly. Even my mom's suspecting that I'm having a clandestine relationship with a girl who lives in KL considering that I've been visiting the city quite frequently for unclear reasons of late.
And I guess I have too few genuine gay friends. It's very difficult for a friendship to blossom when both parties live thousands of miles apart from each other. However, I really do cherish the very few who care about me.
I feel sad and lonely. I'm a person who can hardly survive without friends. I'm worried that I'll become lonelier and be forgotten as I age. I've never really had a successful relationship in my entire life. I don't know what I've been doing for the past 20 years. For as long as I can remember, I've been trying to keep myself alive in a highly competitive learning environment in which everyone wants to outshine the rest.
I cried while watching Tsunami at Haeundae a couple of hours ago. There're many touching scenes. And I'm not sure if that's related to the tinge of sourness I feel in my heart now. Life's certainly not going to be a bed of roses if I weren't gay. Yet, I guess my life would be simpler if I weren't. At least, there's less hiding and explanation to be done.
I don't know why I'm writing this. I'm not a newbie. I'm not a new gay. It dawned on me that I was sexually attracted to the same sex when I was 12. So, theoretically speaking, I'm quite an old gay now.
I should be sleeping by now. I've got to wake early to attend a scuba-diving course. DIVING. Not driving. It's a 3-day course. I'm not going back to hometown during the Hari Raya break since the air tickets are too expensive.
Perhaps, I'm just having a bad mood. And my blog just happens to be one of the most appropriate places to take my frustrations out voicelessly. Hopefully, things will be better when tomorrow comes.
Yet, I feel awful and am conscience-stricken. I've built a fortress around my real self so strong that no one around me really knows who I am. I think I'm a very fake person, in a way.
I do have several friends whom I spend most of my time with in where I'm studying. Yet, frankly speaking, I don't have a friend whom I can confide my innermost feelings in and that I can call to talk for hours when I'm upset. There're just too many things I can't reveal without raising their suspicion that I'm gay. Never have I intended to come out to them in view of their homophobic nature. Hence, everyone's constantly guessing which girl I'm seeing whenever I'm seen dressed up charmingly. Even my mom's suspecting that I'm having a clandestine relationship with a girl who lives in KL considering that I've been visiting the city quite frequently for unclear reasons of late.
And I guess I have too few genuine gay friends. It's very difficult for a friendship to blossom when both parties live thousands of miles apart from each other. However, I really do cherish the very few who care about me.
I feel sad and lonely. I'm a person who can hardly survive without friends. I'm worried that I'll become lonelier and be forgotten as I age. I've never really had a successful relationship in my entire life. I don't know what I've been doing for the past 20 years. For as long as I can remember, I've been trying to keep myself alive in a highly competitive learning environment in which everyone wants to outshine the rest.
I cried while watching Tsunami at Haeundae a couple of hours ago. There're many touching scenes. And I'm not sure if that's related to the tinge of sourness I feel in my heart now. Life's certainly not going to be a bed of roses if I weren't gay. Yet, I guess my life would be simpler if I weren't. At least, there's less hiding and explanation to be done.
I don't know why I'm writing this. I'm not a newbie. I'm not a new gay. It dawned on me that I was sexually attracted to the same sex when I was 12. So, theoretically speaking, I'm quite an old gay now.
I should be sleeping by now. I've got to wake early to attend a scuba-diving course. DIVING. Not driving. It's a 3-day course. I'm not going back to hometown during the Hari Raya break since the air tickets are too expensive.
Perhaps, I'm just having a bad mood. And my blog just happens to be one of the most appropriate places to take my frustrations out voicelessly. Hopefully, things will be better when tomorrow comes.
Monday, February 9, 2009
Lately..
I’ve been busy lately, which explains why I’ve not been blogging much.
I’m currently attached to a general practice clinic. Basically one of those ubiquitous clinics run by medical practitioners you commonly see. General practice focuses on primary health care. The environment and management of diseases are completely different from those in the hospital.
Well, I find my attachment a tad too boring. Not many patients. I did come across patients with rhonchi (wheezes) in the lungs and had the chance to advise an extremely obese chap whose weight exceeded 125 kg on diet control and exercise. Yet, the excitement I’m experiencing is much less in comparison to that in medicine posting. Besides, of the doctors at the clinic is a racist. And I’ve been victimized for the past one week. Racism is ugly and scary, don’t you think so?
Apart from that, I’ve been feeling very dumb of late, principally because of laziness. I’ve been slacking off. I seem to have lost the diligent and industrious part of me in the pre-clinical years. Still in the CNY mood, perhaps.
Tiredness didn’t stop me from meeting AZ a few days back. An adorable and chatty young pilot. He happened to be in KK for work purposes. We decided to meet for the first time. I initially enlisted his help in getting the contact number of a hot air-steward I saw on a flight last November. Befriending the hot air-steward (probably gay) now seems to be a fantasy that’ll not materialize. Yet, AZ and I have become friends instead. Heh.
Thanks for the lunch and coffee, mate. Look forward to seeing you again.
I’m currently attached to a general practice clinic. Basically one of those ubiquitous clinics run by medical practitioners you commonly see. General practice focuses on primary health care. The environment and management of diseases are completely different from those in the hospital.
Well, I find my attachment a tad too boring. Not many patients. I did come across patients with rhonchi (wheezes) in the lungs and had the chance to advise an extremely obese chap whose weight exceeded 125 kg on diet control and exercise. Yet, the excitement I’m experiencing is much less in comparison to that in medicine posting. Besides, of the doctors at the clinic is a racist. And I’ve been victimized for the past one week. Racism is ugly and scary, don’t you think so?
Apart from that, I’ve been feeling very dumb of late, principally because of laziness. I’ve been slacking off. I seem to have lost the diligent and industrious part of me in the pre-clinical years. Still in the CNY mood, perhaps.
Tiredness didn’t stop me from meeting AZ a few days back. An adorable and chatty young pilot. He happened to be in KK for work purposes. We decided to meet for the first time. I initially enlisted his help in getting the contact number of a hot air-steward I saw on a flight last November. Befriending the hot air-steward (probably gay) now seems to be a fantasy that’ll not materialize. Yet, AZ and I have become friends instead. Heh.
Thanks for the lunch and coffee, mate. Look forward to seeing you again.
Monday, January 19, 2009
Caught red-handed
Have you ever been caught jerking off?
It just happened to me.
I was lying comfortably on my bed, stroking my dick while watching my favourite Jap porn when all my roommates were out.
All of a sudden, RW came in. I didn't know that the door wasn't locked. He immediately knew what I was doing on seeing the rhythmic action of my right hand which was inside my shorts. Fortunately, I managed to switch everything off before he saw my gay porn.
What a close shave and an embarrassment!! Haha.
I'll swear I'll be more cautious next time.
It just happened to me.
I was lying comfortably on my bed, stroking my dick while watching my favourite Jap porn when all my roommates were out.
All of a sudden, RW came in. I didn't know that the door wasn't locked. He immediately knew what I was doing on seeing the rhythmic action of my right hand which was inside my shorts. Fortunately, I managed to switch everything off before he saw my gay porn.
What a close shave and an embarrassment!! Haha.
I'll swear I'll be more cautious next time.
Monday, January 12, 2009
A compliment from a fag hag
The one-week post-exam break was a period of fun and recuperation.
I basically spent my time patronizing KTVs, watching the latest movies, swimming, shopping and reading a novel. Last but not least, I hung out with my newly appointed fag hag too.
“You’re a clumsy boy with a meticulous soul inside. A careless boy who remembers petty or trivial things. Things I told you 2 years ago. Things that people or even I myself tend to forget. And that’s really sweet of you, you know? It’s going to be really great for the single girls out there if you were straight,” CH jokingly said that.
I responded with a smirk, a hint that I had relinquished all hope of turning straight.
I’m aware of my ability to recall little unimportant things which no one would bother to remember. I’m very good at doing that. It staggers me at times when I realize I remember the nickname of the very first guy I met on cyberspace when I was 13, the high school name of a random net friend whom I’m no longer in touch with, birthdates of nodding friends I’m not close to, the exact date I viewed JY’s Friendster profile and so on.
Yet, I was sort of touched when she said that, for she’s the first person around me who realized it and complimented me.
Unfortunately, this special ability of mine doesn’t work when it comes to studies. Those mechanisms, pathogeneses and pathways never seem to stick to my mind despite repeated memorization.
Maybe, it's true when they say you forget what you want to remember and you remember what you want to forget.
And you want to know how clumsy I can be? I lost my wallet thrice within a month but every time, a good Samaritan returned it me. I broke my first spectacle the first day I wore to school. I accidentally threw my boarding pass together with the sweet wrappers into the dustbin but managed the find it 5 minutes before the plane took off. In short, it’s an acknowledged fact that I’m clumsy.
Perhaps, that’s why all my family members dissuaded me from pursuing medicine. But like I said, I was rebellious.
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
Life after exam
It's almost 5.10 am now. And I'm still in the cyber cafe with my straight buddies, killing on DotA. Life after exam is such. ;-)
Thursday, December 25, 2008
I told her
I thought she knew it, after being in the same class for 3 years.
We mingle a lot with each other. We were once group mates and had gone through thick and thin. I accompanied her to the endoscopy clinic a week before my finals when she was suffering from severe dyspepsia resistant to proton-pump inhibitors (PPIs). I waited for 30 minutes near her block at night to give her a piece of Chocolate Indulgence from Secret Recipe, because I knew she’d like it. I assisted her when she shifted out from campus. Darn. Which straight guy on earth would do these for a girl without an ulterior motive?
And….I don’t play soccer. I’m obviously the only guy in class who actually gives a damn about his weight. I’m a classical cam-whore. I’m self-loving and indecisive. I won't know what to do if my car is broken down. The colour of my shirt always matches my pants’. I always look more presentable than my bookish male course mates. I shop.
However, apparently, and disappointingly, she didn’t even have the tiniest suspicion that I might be gay. How can she be so insensitive? I thought girls had very accurate intuitions.
Last night, we had a casual chat via MSN. And the topic of conversation happened to revolve around relationships. I could take it no more and decided to tell her, without considering that she might not be receptive to homosexuality.
“Eh… It’s not that I don’t want to get a girlfriend. It’s just that, I don’t like girls. You get me?”
I don’t think I got a reply.
Yet, a few moments later, my phone rang. It’s her. A wave of regret engulfed me. I didn’t answer. And it rang again…incessantly. I mustered up my courage and answered, when it rang for the 3rd time, with the mental preparation to deal with the bombardment of questions that would ensue.
" Hey, are you sure about your sexuality? Have you tried it before? Will it help to straighten you if I offer to let you kiss me? Don't you find me attractive? I thought you went to a co-ed school? Why are you gay? It's a waste that you're gay, you know?"
" Duh!! It's not like I've been gay since a few days ago, k?"
Her reaction to my coming out was a concoction of shock, concern, acceptance, excitement and jealousy (because she realized from then onwards that she’d have to compete harder for the hot guys who’re mostly taken or gay?). A typical response. I’ve come out to a few straight beings, guys and girls included, and the reaction they show is invariably the same.
Nevertheless, I’m glad that she’s okay with my being gay. And am proud that I’ve got a new fag hag who’s willing to be my date on Valentine’s day, provided that I’m still single by next February.
Thanks, CH, for being my friend. =)
Oh ya, she actually asked if I was a top or bottom, which totally rendered me speechless.
We mingle a lot with each other. We were once group mates and had gone through thick and thin. I accompanied her to the endoscopy clinic a week before my finals when she was suffering from severe dyspepsia resistant to proton-pump inhibitors (PPIs). I waited for 30 minutes near her block at night to give her a piece of Chocolate Indulgence from Secret Recipe, because I knew she’d like it. I assisted her when she shifted out from campus. Darn. Which straight guy on earth would do these for a girl without an ulterior motive?
And….I don’t play soccer. I’m obviously the only guy in class who actually gives a damn about his weight. I’m a classical cam-whore. I’m self-loving and indecisive. I won't know what to do if my car is broken down. The colour of my shirt always matches my pants’. I always look more presentable than my bookish male course mates. I shop.
However, apparently, and disappointingly, she didn’t even have the tiniest suspicion that I might be gay. How can she be so insensitive? I thought girls had very accurate intuitions.
Last night, we had a casual chat via MSN. And the topic of conversation happened to revolve around relationships. I could take it no more and decided to tell her, without considering that she might not be receptive to homosexuality.
“Eh… It’s not that I don’t want to get a girlfriend. It’s just that, I don’t like girls. You get me?”
I don’t think I got a reply.
Yet, a few moments later, my phone rang. It’s her. A wave of regret engulfed me. I didn’t answer. And it rang again…incessantly. I mustered up my courage and answered, when it rang for the 3rd time, with the mental preparation to deal with the bombardment of questions that would ensue.
" Hey, are you sure about your sexuality? Have you tried it before? Will it help to straighten you if I offer to let you kiss me? Don't you find me attractive? I thought you went to a co-ed school? Why are you gay? It's a waste that you're gay, you know?"
" Duh!! It's not like I've been gay since a few days ago, k?"
Her reaction to my coming out was a concoction of shock, concern, acceptance, excitement and jealousy (because she realized from then onwards that she’d have to compete harder for the hot guys who’re mostly taken or gay?). A typical response. I’ve come out to a few straight beings, guys and girls included, and the reaction they show is invariably the same.
Nevertheless, I’m glad that she’s okay with my being gay. And am proud that I’ve got a new fag hag who’s willing to be my date on Valentine’s day, provided that I’m still single by next February.
Thanks, CH, for being my friend. =)
Oh ya, she actually asked if I was a top or bottom, which totally rendered me speechless.
Monday, November 10, 2008
Slutting adventure
When I was on the way to the airport, I was smiling. My heart was smiling too, as I reminisced the wonderful moments I had during my one-week vacation in KL.
I haven’t felt so genuinely happy for some time.
I guess I owe Gor a.k.a William Ng a big thank for recognizing me as the self-proclaimed President of William’s Di Association. Had it not been him, I wouldn’t have got the opportunity to get acquainted to such gregarious and approachable people as Cheryl, Alex and so on.
Thanks a lot, Chester, for driving me here and there, enabling me to meet the people I wanted to meet. Thank you for organizing the gathering at Xenri which rendered me the chance to reunite with Gor and befriend Eric whom I thought was pretty hot).
Thanks a lot, Cheryl, for bringing me to a lunch in which Alex failed to turn up. LOL. You’re such a wonderful woman. I’ll always give you the respect you deserve as Gor’s Dear.Thanks a lot, Pikey a.k.a Tofu, for the sincerity and altruism that you’d shown to me, despite the fact that you’re no longer single. I really do appreciate you.
Thanks a lot, Jason, for treating me to a meal at the Gardens and not minding the fact that I idolize Alex.
Thanks a lot, Kai Ting, for footing the bill when we high-tead in a Taiwanese restaurant in Pavillion.
Thanks a lot, Alex, for putting such a beautiful end to my slutting adventure in KL. I don't know how to describe the elation I felt. Your body scent made you even more dazzling. (Err… I didn’t purposely sniff you la, ok? I’m no pervert. It’s just your cologne.)
Last but not least, I’d also like to express my gratitude to Mikey, Lulu, Tan Tart and Piano who brought me all the way to Klang for dinner.
Hotties I met : Alex, Pluboy, Gor.
Cuties I met: Queer Ranter (so damn adorable ), Jason, Chester, Cheryl, Lulu.
I really miss you guys. I really do. Thanks for making my vacation so memorable and enjoyable.
My surgery posting starts today. It’s going to be another cycle of stress, endless mugging and the inevitable end-of-posting exam.
I haven’t felt so genuinely happy for some time.
I guess I owe Gor a.k.a William Ng a big thank for recognizing me as the self-proclaimed President of William’s Di Association. Had it not been him, I wouldn’t have got the opportunity to get acquainted to such gregarious and approachable people as Cheryl, Alex and so on.
Thanks a lot, Chester, for driving me here and there, enabling me to meet the people I wanted to meet. Thank you for organizing the gathering at Xenri which rendered me the chance to reunite with Gor and befriend Eric whom I thought was pretty hot).
Thanks a lot, Cheryl, for bringing me to a lunch in which Alex failed to turn up. LOL. You’re such a wonderful woman. I’ll always give you the respect you deserve as Gor’s Dear.Thanks a lot, Pikey a.k.a Tofu, for the sincerity and altruism that you’d shown to me, despite the fact that you’re no longer single. I really do appreciate you.
Thanks a lot, Jason, for treating me to a meal at the Gardens and not minding the fact that I idolize Alex.
Thanks a lot, Kai Ting, for footing the bill when we high-tead in a Taiwanese restaurant in Pavillion.
Thanks a lot, Alex, for putting such a beautiful end to my slutting adventure in KL. I don't know how to describe the elation I felt. Your body scent made you even more dazzling. (Err… I didn’t purposely sniff you la, ok? I’m no pervert. It’s just your cologne.)
Last but not least, I’d also like to express my gratitude to Mikey, Lulu, Tan Tart and Piano who brought me all the way to Klang for dinner.
Hotties I met : Alex, Pluboy, Gor.
Cuties I met: Queer Ranter (so damn adorable ), Jason, Chester, Cheryl, Lulu.
I really miss you guys. I really do. Thanks for making my vacation so memorable and enjoyable.
My surgery posting starts today. It’s going to be another cycle of stress, endless mugging and the inevitable end-of-posting exam.
Sunday, October 12, 2008
About someone who just turned 28
It was a typical night back in May 2008. We met in a restaurant in Old Klang Road.
“ Haha. Now I know why you like to hold your camera in that manner when you’re cam-whoring. It certainly has a slimming effect on you,” he stated. An absolutely honest and candid comment, I’d say. But definitely not something you’d like to hear when you meet someone for the first time.
I flinched a little and stared at the guy half my size and 10 cm shorter than me in blatant disbelief in response to his statement.
Anyway, I wasn’t annoyed. In fact, I appreciated him for his veracity and truthfulness. I was very pleased and honoured to be able to finally meet William after months of sms-ing each other.
I’ve been making friends on the cyberspace for centuries. William is one of the very few who leave footprints on my heart and are willing to listen to the trifles and trivialities in my everyday life. It warms my heart that he always patiently listen to my exaggerated stories and descriptions as well as the ‘oohs’ and ‘aahs’ of the cute guys in I see every day. I guess it gets a little boring sometimes but he never complains. He’s more than just a virtual internet friend. He’s a nice person. He cheers me up me when I’m down, when I'm demoralized, when the guy I’m infatuated with likes someone else, when I extremely stressed or when I feel lonely and need to sms someone.
He might not look appetizing or alluring enough to stun and woo my simple mind which is saturated with impurities and easily gives in to temptations. He might not have a husky voice on the phone which arouses me. Yet, he’s someone I’d really love to hang out with during the weekends, had we got the opportunity. He’s one of the several people whom I’d reflexively think of if someone asks me who my good friends are.
Our relationship is completely placid. And hopefully, it’ll continue to flourish and its progress unhindered by the distance between us. Happy belated birthday, Gor. Hope you like the present I posted you.=) May happiness always be with you and the love between you and KH be an eternity.
“ Haha. Now I know why you like to hold your camera in that manner when you’re cam-whoring. It certainly has a slimming effect on you,” he stated. An absolutely honest and candid comment, I’d say. But definitely not something you’d like to hear when you meet someone for the first time.
I flinched a little and stared at the guy half my size and 10 cm shorter than me in blatant disbelief in response to his statement.
Anyway, I wasn’t annoyed. In fact, I appreciated him for his veracity and truthfulness. I was very pleased and honoured to be able to finally meet William after months of sms-ing each other.
I’ve been making friends on the cyberspace for centuries. William is one of the very few who leave footprints on my heart and are willing to listen to the trifles and trivialities in my everyday life. It warms my heart that he always patiently listen to my exaggerated stories and descriptions as well as the ‘oohs’ and ‘aahs’ of the cute guys in I see every day. I guess it gets a little boring sometimes but he never complains. He’s more than just a virtual internet friend. He’s a nice person. He cheers me up me when I’m down, when I'm demoralized, when the guy I’m infatuated with likes someone else, when I extremely stressed or when I feel lonely and need to sms someone.
He might not look appetizing or alluring enough to stun and woo my simple mind which is saturated with impurities and easily gives in to temptations. He might not have a husky voice on the phone which arouses me. Yet, he’s someone I’d really love to hang out with during the weekends, had we got the opportunity. He’s one of the several people whom I’d reflexively think of if someone asks me who my good friends are.
Our relationship is completely placid. And hopefully, it’ll continue to flourish and its progress unhindered by the distance between us. Happy belated birthday, Gor. Hope you like the present I posted you.=) May happiness always be with you and the love between you and KH be an eternity.
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