Parlez-vous Francais?

Attended a gathering at a karaoke lounge. To my astonishment, no one noticed that I gained weight. In fact, some of them asked if I'd shed some. What the heck? Haha. I hope they weren't being sarcastic.

Ahh. It's really tiring to live in a society that fetishizes slimness. When you're meeting a group of friends whom you haven't seen for ages, people will always gauge how much weight you have gained, or lost. It's a spinal reflex. But then, I guess I'm too self-conscious sometimes.

Bonjour! Comment ca va? Je m'appelle Lucifer. J'ai 24 ans. Je suis de Malaysia. Je suis gay. Je me sens seule. Je veux un copain.

Haha. How does that sound? It's an introduction of myself in French. I'd always wanted to learn a foreign language but never had the will too. Yesterday, for the first time in my life, I made a serious effort to. Was initially torn between Italian and French. Eventually, I chose the latter.

Why French? Well, somehow, I feel connected to it. There's quite a number of words and phrases in English which originate from French. For instance, joie de vivre, coup de grace, c'est la vie, faux pas, bon voyage, bon appetit, adroit, belle, ballet, a la carte and bureau. In medicine, you come across plenty of French terms too, namely peau d' orange sign, cafe au lait spots, cancer en cuirasse, coup and contracoup injuries, Boerhaave syndrome, Troisier's sign and so on.

The part I find most intriguing is the pronunciation. C'est magnifique! Besides, I find it very impressive to be able to speak a foreign language. I can imagine my future boyfriend boasting to his friends about how I can turn him on by whispering some dirty romantic French words to him.

Hopefully, I'll be determined enough to learn the language. They say that Italian sounds sexier. I might want to learn Italian too in future. I wish I had the time. Classes will resume next Monday.

Professional exam's in April. The mock exam falls precisely on my birthday next month. Great! Internal medicine. General surgery. Obstetrics and gynaecology. Orthopaedic surgery. Paediatrics. Radiology. Ahh crap! I don't even want to think about the study load now. Not to mention that I'll spend my 24th birthday burning the midnight oil. C'est la vie!

Au revoir! Bonne nuit.

A box of sweets

Ee needs to present the case of the lady with colloid goitre in the ward to one of the consultant surgeons tomorrow morning. A case which I had presented during a bedside teaching session yesterday.

According to her, she didn't have the opportunity to clerk the patient due to time constraints. What a lame excuse, I thought. Hence, I had to lend her my clerking sheet.

After coming back from watching Tron : Legacy, I had to trudge reluctantly to the cafeteria a few blocks away to pass my clerking sheet to her. And she caught me by surprise by giving me a box of sweets as a repayment.

Yes, I was astonished. It's so sweet of her. Really.

Ee and I aren't really close. In class, she's kinda obscure. I'm not trying to sound egoistic and complacent here. But, there are always people in your class whom you know won't pose any threat to you academically or in any way. And I guess she's one of them. 

Well, the point I'd like to highlight here is, when you lend someone (whoever the person may be) a helping hand, without any expectation of being repaid, you never know what's in store for you.

I was actually kinda touched. As if I was embraced by a blanket of warmth and infused with a lingering sensation of sweetness. Something I hadn't experienced in a while.

Thanks, Ee.

Why?

Allow me to sound immature. Just once.

I feel extremely stupid today.

Isn't medicine supposed to be a noble profession?

But, why does everyone seem to have his or her own hidden agenda?

Why does everyone seem so self-centred?

Shouldn't knowledge be shared?

Why are brilliant people so difficult to mix with?

Why do certain people who seem so benign and friendly can suddenly become so selfish?

Why am I always among the  unfortunate who're victimized?

Am I being too sensitive and kiasu?

Am I being too naive?

Now, I believe that there ain't no one in this world who'll stand by you and always look out for you like your mother.

Let me anger and hatred consume me. For today.

Let me translate my grudges and negative emotions into voiceless words here, the only place I can express my frustration without the fear of being judged.

I will grow emotionally stronger from tomorrow onwards.

But, I do not want to be like them. I do not want to lose my innocence and naivete.

I want to be remembered as the naive boy who's so enthusiastic about weight loss but invariably becomes orally indisciplined on seeing appetizing food and extremely remorseful after the reactionary binge.

If I can how my concern to patients without expecting any sort of reciprocation, I believe I can do the same to my colleagues.

子曰：“君子周而不比，小人比而不周 。”

学业上的竞争及现实生活中不必要的尔虞我诈， 真是令人筋疲力尽。

我决定把心胸拉阔。缩小自己。不在乎那么多。就算是吃了亏，也无所谓。尽了力就好。

My one-week break

Today's the last day of my one-week break.

I enjoyed every single second of my break. I was too busy playing.

We spent hours and hours on DotA and KTV. I was also able to finish half of Jodi Picoult's latest page turner entitled 'House Rules'. It's about a brilliant boy with Asperger's disorder who got accused of a murder he didn't commit. These are things I don't get to do when there're classes. And the thought of being able to sleep till my heart's content made life seem like a bed of roses. Well, at least for a week.

Derrick was in town last weekend. He asked me if I'd like to meet him and his friends in a local club. We aren't very close, partly due to the geographical difference between us. However, I'd say he's one of my most favourite gay friends. I still remember the white D&G shirt which revealed his perfectly sculptured chest that he wore when we first met. What he ordered in Delicious in Bangsar Village where we had our first meal together. I like his sense of humour.

Unfortunately, my car battery was dead. And one of the tyres was flat. Which explains why I couldn't meet him. Sigh. I guess my beloved car is in an imminent danger of multi-organ failure. He's aged. And I can only do so much to prolong his life.

Tomorrow's a new start. Hopefully, I'll get to meet cute housemen that'll keep me motivated make me go to the ward more than I'm supposed to. Besides, I look forward to clerking patients who're farmers or fishermen. They're usually hot. And I love to perform physical examinations on them, not for my solitary pleasure, but to hone my skills as a preparation for my end-of-posting exam. =D

I'll be playing paintball with my friends in the evening. RM 45 for 250 pellets. Hope it's worth it and that it'll mark a beautiful end to my one-week break.

Signing out.

Ain't feeling good

I ain't feeling good.

The papers on Monday were fine. But, I'm dissatisfied with my performance today. Made careless mistakes here and there. I could have done better.

Maybe, I shouldn't be such a perfectionist. Maybe, I should accept my imperfections. Life can be very difficult and when you're trying to hard.

Oh wait. I'm not even trying too hard to begin with. Seriously, I need to buck up. Sigh. No more A- for this posting. Perhaps, I'm just catastrophizing. No worries. I'll scrape through.

To make matters worse, someone rammed into my car. Now, my beloved car's got a huge unsightly indentation. I felt devastated.

Eventually, I told myself to calm down. Well, whatever. I can do nothing besides cursing him with expletives. Even if I'd known who the culprit was, I wouldn't have had the guts to accost him and demand for compensation. I can't afford to have my mood disrupted this week. Having a good mood does help you absorb and assimilate what you're studying more effectively. But, I cringe at the thought of having to fork out a fortune to have the damage repaired.

Calamities always take place at the most inappropriate times.

The only thing that lightened my mood was helping a colleague jump-start her car today. For the first time in my life, I felt so straight. So, I guess now I'm eligible for being labelled as straight-acting?

Two more papers this Saturday. Clinical exam. I hope I will get patients with pre-eclampsia or gestational diabetes mellitus.

In addition to my recent addiction to caffeine and David Archuleta, I've been eating compulsively again to make myself feel good. Sex is definitely the most ideal form of escapism in such a stressful situation. But, I guess I shouldn't be thinking about this now. Pathetic.

Derrick has been telling me that being single has its benefits. Yet, neither do I find these advantages tangible nor realistic when I'm horny.

I'm having shortness of breath

I completely skipped the topic on the disorders of vagina.

Oh well, vaginal cancer is so damn rare. Who gives a damn about it?

Lucifer, breathe! You can do it. Common things are common. People won't be asking you about Jeune asphyxiating thoracic dystrophy.

Chill!

You'll pass.

Guys, thanks a lot for your comments. =D They made me feel good.

I can take no more

My mind is so saturated that my notes make me feel nauseous.


怎么办？怎么办？


Sigh.

C'est la vie

I'm tremendously stressed.

I'm physically and mentally drained.

I'm still writing my case reports which I should have completed last week.

I'm still spending half an hour on average daily on porn to release tension.

I wish I'd been more hardworking.

I wish I had a domineering boyfriend who could physically overpower me and 'dominate' me now. Right now.



Yeah right. Was just kidding about the last part.

I don't like examinations.



=(

A hole in my pocket

I must have fallen asleep on my bed. And I woke up in the wee hours of the morning to find my spectacle broken. Must have slept on it with my entire weight. Was extremely frustrated and angry with myself.

No wonder no one in the family supported my decision when I announced to them that I wanted to do medicine. I had to assure them that I would change to avert their skepticism of my capability which apparently stemmed from my carelessness and recklessness. Being meticulous and careful is prerequisite to becoming a safe doctor. Someone can die just because of your negligence.

I've always hankered for having a LASIK (laser-assissted in situ keratomileusis) surgery done so that I won't have to wear glasses anymore. Not only is wearing glasses cumbersome, it also makes me look geeky and dorky. Wish I weren't myopic and astigmatic.

I was 14 when the optometrist discovered I had myopia. Since then, I've spent thousands of ringgit on glasses, most of which were either misplaced and never found or broken. The fortune I've spent definitely exceeds the cost a LASIK surgery would incur. Despite the rare complications the refractive surgery might cause, our professor in ophthalmology told us it's safe and he would've said that the same thing had his daughters asked him for his opinion.

Anyway, I had to pay through my nose for a new pair of exorbitantly priced glasses yesterday. I think it suits me more than the previous one. But now, I'm so broke. :/ Besides, I'm anticipating a 10-minute tongue-lashing about extravagance from my mom when she receives the credit card bill at the end of the month.

I can't do without glasses. Contact lenses are only meant to be worn in occasions during which there's a need to look attractive. For instance, when I'm dating someone, clubbing or when I'm on webcam. Well, there's one deduction you can glean from this. Tuls can tell you how vain I am. =p Anyway, which gay isn't? Meh.

I'm under a lot of stress now. Will be sitting an exam next week, the scope of which encompasses obstetrics, gynaecology and neonatology. You'll most probably hear from me only after my ordeal has ended.

I feel so dead now. I shouldn't have procrastinated. Wish me luck.

Obstacles

I always count my blessings for having come across a few charismatic clinicians who impress us immensely with their knowledge and professionalism. Even the way they talk and walk is enough to make me idolize them.

They're always willing to teach even though it's not their duty. They get their points across eloquently in impeccable English and in a way that can hold you spellbound. I emulate them. I tell myself I want to soar like an eagle and be as good as them in future. Sad to say, they're a rare species.

I'm not happy with the hostility displayed by certain doctors. They say things like ' You're not allowed to follow my ward round unless I get a formal letter of permission from your uni ', with a I'm-not-paid-to-teach-you-so-why-should-i? look on their faces. In Malaysia, medical education is under the Ministry of Higher Education, whereas the staff in government hospitals are under the Ministry of Health. Hence, theoretically speaking, they're not responsible for teaching us. Yet, I don't know why they have to be so mean even though we've really humbled ourselves.

I'm not sure if my counterparts in other local universities are facing the same predicament, which certainly poses a great deal of inconvenience to us. There're many limitations which hinder us from learning. This is extremely depressing.

I wish I were outstanding enough to be granted the PSD scholarship. Damn. Why didn't I score an A1 in Chinese? That'd have made me a more eligible applicant. I seethe with jealousy and frustration whenever I see how well some of my brilliant friends are doing abroad. Asking my parents to fork out a substantial amount of their savings to finance my medical education in a private institution just doesn't seem to be a humane thing to do. Consequently, I ended up being somewhere I didn't really like. A place so sparsely populated by gays that I've become unbelievably desperate over the years. A place with many more imperfections which I can't list down here one by one.

Well, there're many things in life which you just have to live with without complaints, mainly because you're given a Hobson's choice.

I'm worried of how graduates from other prestigious universities will look at us when we embark on our medical profession in future. Despite the defective system I'm in, I hope that the discrepancy in terms of quality will not be too obvious.

Guess what I can do now is to optimally utilize whatever I have, see as many patients as I can and study as much as possible. I've got to to stop complaining, relegate thoughts that do me no good to the back of my mind and appreciate what God has bestowed upon me. I always tell myself everything happens for a reason. A defensive mechanism which invariably makes me feel better.

I'll try not to kill after graduation next April.=)

I cooked

I participated in the cooking for the guys today. For the first time in my life, I cooked. And what I cooked was edible, surprisingly. But of course, this was preceded by 4 weeks of observing how others cooked.

Today is a day I want to remember. Which is why I blogged. Ahh. What a lame entry.

By the way, the student nurses left today. They've completed their training here.

My straight group mates have flirted excessively with the cute female student nurses for the past few weeks. Samson even succeeded in pursuing one of them.

I hope no one thinks I'm odd. Or heterophobic. I don't remember introducing myself to any of the chicks, except Richel, the twinky male nursing student whom I'd been stalking.

Yet, he's gone. Before I had the courage to ask him for his number. Aiks.

Taiwan?

There's going to be another elective posting in a year's time. We're encouraged to get attached to a hospital abroad. And many of my coursemates are already discussing where to go. And it's not surprising that some of that have even started to apply.

I've always wanted to do my elective posting in Australia. Probably Melbourne. First of all, I've not travelled to a country where the people are white and English is widely spoken. I thought it's awesome if I could spend a month there and do a little bit of sightseeing before returning. What's more, it's not that far from home and I have friends who're doing medicine there too.

The problem is, I can't get someone to accompany me. The idea of going somewhere I've never been to alone and grappling with every obstacle that comes my way on my own just freaks me out. Certainly, I'm not a person who can't stand on his own feet. But, seriously, I don't think I can do that alone.

Some of my coursemates said they coulnd't afford to do it overseas. Mind you, the electively posting is completely self-sponsored. Tai's godparents live in the US and he said he's probably going there. Most of my good friends are very enthusiastic about going to Taiwan. An option I didn't consider at all initially. They reasoned that they could converse with the patients in Mandarin and that'd save them a lot trouble i.e. staring blankly with jaws dropped at patients who mutter something unintelligible to them in an Australian accent. And I thought they're ridiculous.

Now, it seems that going to Taiwan is not that bad at all. At least, the food is great and I heard there're loads of cute guys on the streets.

Now, I really do think going to Taiwan is not bad at all.

I passed

Well, I passed. What a relief!

Our results have not been released. We only got to know whether or not we passed. It's rumoured that only a few aced. Majority of us just managed to scrape through. I think I'm one of them. I did badly in the questions on biochemistry. I've never liked it. But, who cares? I passed. I hope there're still patients who want to see me in future knowing that I just scraped though, My heart goes out to the unfortunate few who didn't.

Last night was hot, especially in the car. We didn't make out, k? Just a little touching and hand-holding.

Me: There're people watching!

Him: So what? They're holding hands too.

I saw a pearl in the jewellery shop. Rm 80. The cheapest of all those put on display. Thought of buying it for my mom as Mother's Day gift but am wondering if it's authentic. I'm flying home tomorrow. I have a one-month break before 4th year begins.

Argh!! If only I were more financially capable...

It's over

Professional Exam 1 is just over.

It's nighmarish. Really.

Anatomy, physiology, biochemistry, microbiology, pathology, internal medicine, general surgery, obstestrics and gynaecology. These were the subjects within the scope. We're expected to know everything. The theoretical, practical and clinical aspect of everything (at undergraduate level).

I had 6 weeks to prepare for the exam. Yet, I only spent the last week doing so. Recalling the embarrassing moments I perspired profusely when the external examiners asked me simple things which I couldn't answer properly, I regret not making a serious effort to study.

All I did was selective reading. Studying things I felt were important. There was simply too much to revise.

Deep in my heart, I hope I can pass. God, please!

And I'll be watching a movie with Efkay tomorrow night. I plan to hold his hand during that. =)

God, please!

Had my passport renewed today. We agreed to switch our destination to Hanoi, Vietnam. 4 faggots going on vacay... Sounds awesome. I really look forward to the trip. Our leader has even asked me check out the gay spots in the capital, which I haven't got the chance to do.

Will be flying back to East Malaysia tomorrow. To sit an exam.

Kinda miss home. But, well, just a fortnight. I'll be back in two weeks' time.

I thought I could study more efficiently at home. Nevertheless, all I did was slacking off and procrastinating. I should have flown back earlier to prepare.

It's always right before the exam I wish I were a bookworm. Because that means I'd have revised everything within the scope by now. And that I needn't have to burn the midnight oil.

Yet, why am I such a lazy bone?

=(

God, please help me! Let me pass. I just wanna pass. I wanna go to Hanoi. Please.... I swear I'll study more consistently in the future.

New Year's resolutions

Surgery posting. Examinations. They've all come to an end officially, at last.

I'm having a lot of fun in the post-exam period. Whenever I actually have the chance to online, i'm too tired to write anything.

Thanks a lot, WN, JY and AN, for the encouraging sms-es at you sent me when I was burning the midnight oil. They made quite a lot of difference, I guess.

It's 2009 now. I've abandoned the idea of producing a list of New Year's resolutions which are often unreachable, like what I've always done. Three would suffice.

1. I want to lose 5 more kg and be slimmer.
2. I want to have a relationship. I want to have a boyfriend who's lean and doesn't smoke.
3. I want to continue to survive in med school.

Stranded

Am still stranded in Sandakan. Had been deprived of internet access till today. Aih.

Life here is pretty boring. I basically spend my free time watching series and playing DotA against my roommates (apart from studying, of course).

The Hakka population here is larger. It's fun conversing in Hakka with some of the patients, while my friends look at me, awed and tongue-tied. Hehe.

I miss KK.

Feel relieved that there's only a fortnight left. Yet, the bad thing is I've got to celebrate Christmas here. :(

Drowned in exhaustion

I'm exhausted. Really.


The exam is drawing near.


....


Sometimes, things don't happen to way they should be.


Sometimes, people aren't like whom you used to think they were anymore. Very disheartening.


People are unpredictable. Things are unforseeable.

....

And I've gained weight, evidenced by the noticeable accumulation of fat pads on my cheeks. Something wrong that happens at the wrong time.

....


I feel inferior. Intimidated. Disillusioned. And afraid....of the unknown. Of what lies ahead of me.

At the end of the day, the realization that all I have is myself dawns on me. And the only option I have, is to persevere....with tenacity.... no matter what happens.

A week in hometown

I’ll be walking into the realms of clinical medicine today. It’s the first day of my 8-week medicine posting. As far as I know, medicine is a vast field which encompasses everything under the sun that’s usually non-surgical. But still there’s a lot, seriously. It’s going to be really challenging and taxing, I guess.

I spent an entire week in Penang and my hometown. I had planned to do a lot of things, but ended up flirting online and downloading porn movies most of the time. Apart from that, equipped with a little bit of very superficial knowledge regarding obstetrics and gynaecology, I could relate more to my mom who’s on the verge of menopause as well as my expectant sister who’s at the 32nd week of gestation. I managed to impress them with my ability to locate the fetal head, buttocks and back after a simple obstetrical examination.

I met an old friend, BA. She lost about 10 kg since I last saw her. A lot prettier now. We’d been classmates for 10 consecutive years. We used to be outrageously overweight, if not obese. Living in a society that fetishizes slimness and external beauty, it distorted our self-images and punctured our self-esteem. And that’s probably why I never dated a guy. Then, we came to a point we got so fed up of being teased and the object of ridicule that we decided to lose weight. We fortified each other's determination by providing the emotional and moral support one would need in the arduous process of shedding weight. And I’m not talking about 1 or 2 pounds here. I managed to lose 17 kg last year. A metamorphosis. I’m really pleased BA is making it too.

I always wanted to be slim and petite, with a lean body and an abdominal circumference not exceeding 28 inches. Despite the fact that I've yet to reach my ideal weight and I still don’t look as dazzling as I thought I would after all, I no longer have the inferiority complex about my appearance. It’s indeed a splendid feeling when friends or relatives stare at you in enormous disbelief and astonishment, scanning you from head to toes with their jaws dropped and mouths agape.

Intoxicated

I was in the gynae ward this afternoon, looking for a case of vaginal discharge to be presented during the bedside teaching session tomorrow. When I was busy rummaging through the stack of case notes, suddenly, I sensed someone strangely familiar standing in close proximity to me. I raised my head.

It’s Dr. Teh.

Immediately, my mind was a blank and I blushed. I ogled at him for a few minutes, during which my lungs hyperventilated, my blood pressure elevated and my heart pounded hard.

His facial skin is flawless. He has such an angelic and enthralling smile. It makes me feel sort of…intoxicated. I always fantasize about being the nurse who silently tags along him whenever he does his ward round.

Well, disappointingly, I don’t think he recalls my introducing to him previously anyway. He’s in the ward looking for a patient with ruptured ectopic pregnancy on whom he’d be performing a unilateral salpingectomy (removal of Fallopian tube).

---

Time flies. My current posting (O&G) will end soon after the end-of-posting exam next week. Again, I’m having the pre-exam syndrome with a spectrum of symptoms ranging from apprehension, anxiety, compulsive eating, obsession with sms-ing, breathing difficulty to mild insomnia. A lot of stress, certainly.

However, the motivational and encouraging sms-es William sends me every now and then do assume a substantial role in soothing my soul and alleviating the pressure I’m facing. He kindly requested me to express my gratitude to him officially and openly. So, thank you lo, Gor. =p