Ain't feeling good

I ain't feeling good.

The papers on Monday were fine. But, I'm dissatisfied with my performance today. Made careless mistakes here and there. I could have done better.

Maybe, I shouldn't be such a perfectionist. Maybe, I should accept my imperfections. Life can be very difficult and when you're trying to hard.

Oh wait. I'm not even trying too hard to begin with. Seriously, I need to buck up. Sigh. No more A- for this posting. Perhaps, I'm just catastrophizing. No worries. I'll scrape through.

To make matters worse, someone rammed into my car. Now, my beloved car's got a huge unsightly indentation. I felt devastated.

Eventually, I told myself to calm down. Well, whatever. I can do nothing besides cursing him with expletives. Even if I'd known who the culprit was, I wouldn't have had the guts to accost him and demand for compensation. I can't afford to have my mood disrupted this week. Having a good mood does help you absorb and assimilate what you're studying more effectively. But, I cringe at the thought of having to fork out a fortune to have the damage repaired.

Calamities always take place at the most inappropriate times.

The only thing that lightened my mood was helping a colleague jump-start her car today. For the first time in my life, I felt so straight. So, I guess now I'm eligible for being labelled as straight-acting?

Two more papers this Saturday. Clinical exam. I hope I will get patients with pre-eclampsia or gestational diabetes mellitus.

In addition to my recent addiction to caffeine and David Archuleta, I've been eating compulsively again to make myself feel good. Sex is definitely the most ideal form of escapism in such a stressful situation. But, I guess I shouldn't be thinking about this now. Pathetic.

Derrick has been telling me that being single has its benefits. Yet, neither do I find these advantages tangible nor realistic when I'm horny.

I'm having shortness of breath

I completely skipped the topic on the disorders of vagina.

Oh well, vaginal cancer is so damn rare. Who gives a damn about it?

Lucifer, breathe! You can do it. Common things are common. People won't be asking you about Jeune asphyxiating thoracic dystrophy.

Chill!

You'll pass.

Guys, thanks a lot for your comments. =D They made me feel good.

I can take no more

My mind is so saturated that my notes make me feel nauseous.


怎么办？怎么办？


Sigh.

I miss my mom

I'm eating my breakfast which I bought from the cafeteria downstairs. I didn't want to take the trouble to drive out. It doesn't taste nice at all.

I miss my mom the most whenever I'm sitting an exam.

I can distinctly recall how the world revolved around me when a exam was around the corner back in primary of high school. My mom was always there. She was my emotional pillar. I had the tendency to tell her how nervous and helpless I felt just to swap for a few words of encouragement although deep in my heart, I knew I would always pass, if not ace. Besides, I always had the nicest and most nutritious food to eat. It felt so nice to be pampered.

With the passing of time, the game became harder and more complicated. Now, with the passing mark set at 65 %, the stress is exsanguinating.

Aih. I'm still struggling to finsh my breakfast. I need the glucose.

I still have 20,000 topics to revise.

I miss my mom. I wish I didn't have to grow up.

No. Just in case you're wondering, I don't have dependent personality disorder. I just miss my mom.

Can someone just pamper me till my exam ends? ;p

C'est la vie

I'm tremendously stressed.

I'm physically and mentally drained.

I'm still writing my case reports which I should have completed last week.

I'm still spending half an hour on average daily on porn to release tension.

I wish I'd been more hardworking.

I wish I had a domineering boyfriend who could physically overpower me and 'dominate' me now. Right now.



Yeah right. Was just kidding about the last part.

I don't like examinations.



=(

Another form of virginity lost

In spite of the asphyxiating exam stress, I'm perfectly okay. Get to see lots of awesome things for the first time.

There's nothing extraordinary about multiple gestation. It's not uncommon. There're quite a few of them in the ward with twin pregnancies. We do get cases of multiple pregnancy in our obstetrics short case or long case examination at times.

But then, I saw a girl with monochorionic triamniotic triplet pregnancy in the ward yesterday. Now, this is something we don't get to see every day. She's got 3 babies in her womb! Awesome. The chance of having a triplet pregnancy is 1 in 6400. I had the honour to clerk and examine a lady with a triplet prengnancy for the first time in my life. I was jubilant.

She's only 20. She gave birth to her first child at the age of 14. Unbelievable.

What was I doing when I was 14?

When I was 14, I had a crush on classmate named ZZ. He's adept at playing tennis and had represented our state on numerous occasions. We didn't have much in common. But, I always offered to help him academically. I remember he's bad in Maths. You know, sometimes, when you fall for someone, you do lots of ridiculous things and sacrifices just in order to win his heart or get closer to him. Nothing he does is nasty enough to infuriate you. You become unusually accommodating to him and at times, to avert an altercation, you're willing to bear the grudge and have your ego punctured. Well, I have to admit I did these too when I was 14. Too bad, ZZ's straight.

Apart from that, I think I was mainly studying and mugging for exams when I was 14. Yeah. I was so nerdy and bookish. When I was 14, I contemplated coming out to my mom but didn't managed to pluck up my courage in the end. When I was 14, it was the ICQ era and I started making gay friends online.

Alright. Sorry for veering off the main topic. Though it's exhilarating to see the girl with triplets, I couldn't help but to feel apprehensive. There're 20, 000 complications that can happen in a multiple pregnancy that she seemed to be oblivious to. I didn't tell her about the woman whose twins died in-utero in the gynaecology ward in 4th floor. Hope she'll be fine.

Oftentimes, in the ward, not only do you learn medicine, you also gain fascinating insights into people's lives. Different patients regale you with different stories and you will realize how others' lives can be so different from yours.

In addition, I saw this for the first time in my life today.

Saw that thing protruding from the vagina? To put it in a way you understand, it's uterovaginal prolapse, which is a very common condition and common exam question.

Gynaecology is unlike other specialties because you're dealing with someone's private part. For ethical and medico-legal reasons, you just can't simply do whatever you like or behave frivolously. You have to be very tactful and take into consideration the feelings of your patients.


Me: Sorry ah auntie.Err.... Nama saya Lucifer. Saya pelajar perubatan dari... Univerisiti X. Boleh ka saya ....errrr..... tengok kamu punya....err....itu? ...supaya saya dapat belajar. Saya tidak pernah tengok dan periksa.... Boleh kah?


Auntie: Boleh ba kalau kau. Tengok ja. 

I feel an eternal gratitude to the lady who gave me an opportunity to gain such an invaluable learning experience. She gave me the permission without the tiniest bit of hesitation. She even allowed me to examine it with my hands. Not every patient is that easily approachable.

Sometimes, it's things like these that keep me going and raise my spirits when I feel demoralized. It's marvelous to have the chance to see so many things for the first time these few days. Feel as if another form of virginity of mine is lost. :p

A hole in my pocket

I must have fallen asleep on my bed. And I woke up in the wee hours of the morning to find my spectacle broken. Must have slept on it with my entire weight. Was extremely frustrated and angry with myself.

No wonder no one in the family supported my decision when I announced to them that I wanted to do medicine. I had to assure them that I would change to avert their skepticism of my capability which apparently stemmed from my carelessness and recklessness. Being meticulous and careful is prerequisite to becoming a safe doctor. Someone can die just because of your negligence.

I've always hankered for having a LASIK (laser-assissted in situ keratomileusis) surgery done so that I won't have to wear glasses anymore. Not only is wearing glasses cumbersome, it also makes me look geeky and dorky. Wish I weren't myopic and astigmatic.

I was 14 when the optometrist discovered I had myopia. Since then, I've spent thousands of ringgit on glasses, most of which were either misplaced and never found or broken. The fortune I've spent definitely exceeds the cost a LASIK surgery would incur. Despite the rare complications the refractive surgery might cause, our professor in ophthalmology told us it's safe and he would've said that the same thing had his daughters asked him for his opinion.

Anyway, I had to pay through my nose for a new pair of exorbitantly priced glasses yesterday. I think it suits me more than the previous one. But now, I'm so broke. :/ Besides, I'm anticipating a 10-minute tongue-lashing about extravagance from my mom when she receives the credit card bill at the end of the month.

I can't do without glasses. Contact lenses are only meant to be worn in occasions during which there's a need to look attractive. For instance, when I'm dating someone, clubbing or when I'm on webcam. Well, there's one deduction you can glean from this. Tuls can tell you how vain I am. =p Anyway, which gay isn't? Meh.

I'm under a lot of stress now. Will be sitting an exam next week, the scope of which encompasses obstetrics, gynaecology and neonatology. You'll most probably hear from me only after my ordeal has ended.

I feel so dead now. I shouldn't have procrastinated. Wish me luck.

Playing basketball

I feel good. Savouring a cup of white coffee and listening to David Archuleta's songs.

Played basketball with my buddies today. Something we haven't been doing much together ever since we entered the clinical phase and we divided in different groups.

When you exercise, your pituitary gland releases endorphins into your brain and spinal cord. It has a high affinity for some opioid receptors through which morphine acts. Endorphins are responsible for reduced perception of pain and feelings of euphoria. They are secreted when you're having an orgasm. The chemicals partially explain why you feel good and high-spiritd after a strenuous exercise (or an ejaculation).

The sun was blazing. I guess we went too early. We had a vigorous play. It was extremely exhausting. I wish I were as agile and athletic as RW. I felt happy. We had lots of fun and laughter.

As we sat on the ground to give our hypoglycaemic and dehydrated bodies a break, I began to contemplate my life and future. We're already in final year. We've been good buddies, though they're hardcore homophobes. At that particular moment, I wondered if things would still be the same after graduation, as I reluctantly listened to their suggestive jokes involving the opposite gender, feigning excitement.

They've been great friends though. When something goes wrong with my car or when my car battery goes flat, they're the ones who bail me out. In short, they're just excellent in things I'm incapable or afraid of dealing with. Don't get me wrong. I'm not fond of behaving like a damsel in distress. It's just that there're certain things I can be very dumb in. No doubt, their dressing sense totally sucks and turns me off. Yet, they possess certain qualities which I find somewhat admirable.

I can prophesy myself drifting away from them in future due to their homophobic nature and antiquated ideas about homosexuality. We'll part with one another, lead different lives and meet different people. Sometimes, it's saddening that this might be the outcome even though we've shared many wonderful moments together. Nonetheless, sometimes, it's agonizing to be a gay in disguise. I always shudder at the thought of their discovering my sexuality.

Ah! What the heck? I told myself not to be so despondent about my life, being gay and continued playing basketball.

Friendships can be likened to straight lines which intersect and criss-cross your life at certain points. Somewhere along the way the friendships just cease to blossom for no apparent reason, although the footprints left in your heart are permanent. After all, how many of those who were once your best buddies are you still close to?

Before I rest my pen, I'd like to dedicate this song to you. David Archuleta's version of Angels. I've been listening to it for over and over again for the past one week. :)



I sit and wait
Does an angel contemplate my fate?
When I'm feeling weak
and my pain walks down a one way street
I look above
and I know I'll always be blessed with love.

Olfaction

I drove to a supermarket where's a McD restaurant within walking distance. I had to withdraw some money from the ATM machine there. And that's how I ended up having a set Chicken McDeluxe for lunch.

It was only until Jamie mercilessly commented how much weight I'd gained when I was asking Mat for a piece of biscuit during class that I was ridden with guilt. A constructive criticism that prodded me into going for a jog this evening.

I haven't been exercising much since I inadvertently injured my finger the other day. Just a lame excuse. 

My stamina had reduced and lungs seemed to have lost their compliance. You can consume thousands of kilocalories in a few minutes. Yet, it takes a considerable amount of effort to burn it.

As usual, the sports complex was teeming with sweaty athletic guys generously flaunting their biceps and quadriceps. They looked so vibrant and full of vigour. The evening sun made them even more radiant with health and manliness.

As they sprinted past me, I'd subconsciously stick my nose closer to smell their musky body scent, allowing myself to maximally enjoy the intoxicating olfactory stimulus for a few microseconds. And I did it rather surreptitiously and pretended as if I was merely inhaling a breath of fresh air. Hehe. This is one my many fetishes and hopefully it doesn't make you nauseous nor turn you off. However, I'm very selective, k? I don't do this to everyone, especially those who're morbidly obese whose repulsive body odour assaults my nostrils even from metres away.

Smell is one of the 5 special senses human beings are blessed with. Sometimes, I find myself drawn to someone partly because of his scent. Or perhaps, he just wears the right cologne. It also reflects your level hygiene, which is something I'm very scrupulous about.

I did visit the derelict gymnasium as well which doesn't even have a treadmill. Did a bit of weight-lifting and push-ups. I saw a few muscular hunks. I lowered my head to look at my mildly distended abdomen with no traces of six packs. And that's when feelings of inferiority began to seep into my soul. Not cool!

I know I should stop building castle in the air and put in more hard work.

Have a wonderful week, guys!

Dealing with kids

I think great doctors are great because of their patients. Had it not been their patients, the medical profession wouldn't even have existed.

I always feel very thankful to the patients I come across. Although some may be a little bit annoying, especially the well-educated ones who think they know a lot about diseases when in actual fact they know very little, I guess I'll still be tolerant enough in future to respond to their hostility with a placatory smile. After all, as the Declaration of Geneva puts it, I'm supposed to consecrate my life to the service of humanity and practise my profession with conscience and dignity. And all these include having a lot of patience. 

But, I've seen spiteful doctors lose their temper and say awful things to patients. Such a scenario is commonplace in government hospitals overcrowded with the sick and needy. I'm not surprised at all, considering the the amount of stress they work under. Nonetheless, I still find the remark very imbecile and inconsiderate. Such doctors propagate a very negative image of others in the noble profession. Well, Savante may say I'm just another typical medical student full of idealism which may have no place in the actual working environment. But, we'll see how it goes. Meh.

And paediatrics is one of my most favourite subjects, partly because I get to deal with children. I find children very adorable, lovable and intriguing, though I still feel intimidated whenever I have to approach an inconsolable kid who cries incessantly even after having exhausted all the tricks I usually use to make my nephew smile. 

But then, when I do succeed in pacifying and soothing a fretful child, no words can describe the sense of achievement and satisfaction that floods me. When you tickle him, he lets out a chuckle followed by a few mumbled sentences of indecipherable words. And as you look into his eyes still glistening with tears and the dazzling smile that slowly forms on his angelic face, you suddenly realize the fatherly instincts you were born with. Haha. I know this might sound absurd. But, at least it applies to me, for a fraction of a second when the eye contact is established. Thereafter, you have to regain your composure and examine the kid competently and present your findings to a consultant who's scrutinizing your examination techniques.

I can still remember the face of the boy with beta-thalassaemia major whom I examined a few days ago. He had a facial expression with loneliness and sadness mingled. How can a kid deprived of quality of life and who has to receive frequent blood transfusions and live with all the debilitating effects the disease be happy and jovial? He looked very innocent, incapable of meanness, hypocrisy and selfishness, unlike the adult patients. I could see a fragility in him that cut through my heart. How I wish I had the power to enliven his gloomy life and lessen his sufferings.

Just for your information, I have alpha-thalassaemic trait. No. I'm not anaemic and I don't need blood transfusion. If I ever get married to a female carrier, each child of ours will have a 25% chance of having thalassaemia major, 50 % chance of being a carrier and 25 % chance of being normal. However, this piece of information is hardly relevant to you gays. =)

And if you ask me if I want to father a child someday in future, the answer is yes, although I don't quite see the possibility of it happening in this life. 

On being corpulent

Had a very heavy lunch. I can only read with grudging admiration about how Skyhawk worships his almost perfect physique (based on his description). And pictures of Eric flaunting his abs in his latest post certainly doesn't help to alleviate my feelings of guilt.

Sigh. How I wish I had the genetic configuration to stay lean like my roommate. He consumes double the amount of calories I do daily. He's a bit too lean. I guess it isn't too far-fetched to say he's skinny, which makes him an object of ridicule at times. He's been spending a fortune on food recently. I can tell he eats for the sake of gaining weight, which seems to be an exercise of futility so far.

I, on the contrary, am struggling to lose weight. I can eat a lot too when my willpower is not strong enough to suppress my ravenous appetite and my insatiable desire for delicious (usually very fattening) food. Yet, I'm different. I really enjoy eating. Whether it's a expensive meal in a plush restaurant or a plate of economical rice which costs me RM 4, I enjoy every bite and every moment of it. I can literally feel the excitation of the gustatory receptors on my tongue and the stimulatory impulses sent to the brain, filling me with immense pleasure.


Me: Kak, nasi separuh ah. Err....kurang sikit. Kurang lagi kurang lagi.


My roommate : Tambah nasi, kak. Tambah lagi. Itu daging banyak sikit. Kuah mau banyak sikit.

So, you can imagine how much mental torture I have to endure whenever I eat out with my roommate. I have to constantly remind myself of the pictures of hot guys in Simonlover's blog just to fortify my determination. Otherwise, I'd be subconsciously consuming the surplus calories my body doesn't need. And not to mention my propensity to buy a piece of croissant or muffin even after a bulky meal.

To me, good food is equally arousing and alluring as hot guys. Haha. Hence, I have a soft spot for guys who bring me to nice places and treat me to good food. *hint*

Nevertheless, in view of my brother's wedding in November and the fat pads which have silently resurfaced on various parts of my body, it's high time to be more disciplined. I hope I can shed a few kilos. It's for my own good too. My corpulence is such a turn off even to myself when I look at my naked self in the mirror, let alone my future boyfriend, who might appear anywhere, anytime.

Oh ya. I came across this on Youtube today. It's a game called Dragon Age. I'm still not sure how it works but I'm certainly going to find out more. =)



Going to watch the Last Airbender in the cinema now. Hope it'll be nice. Enjoy your weekend, guys!

珍惜

现在是凌晨一点零五分。夜深人静。陪伴着我的，只有天花板风扇转动的声音。

刚刚和一个之前追求过自己的男生聊天，勾起了一些回忆和昔日与他相处的画面。

我顿时感到有点悲伤及忧郁。为什么当时要顾虑那么多? 为什么当时那么挑剔？为什么有那么好的男生，我却没有好好地把握？

为什么人总是在失去的时候，才会懂得珍惜？

如今，我并没有想吃回头草的欲望。毕竟，人家现在似乎已经找到了自己的幸福。我承认我对他的感觉并没有很强烈。可是，他的内涵与人格却深深地吸引了我。每当脑海里浮现出他的脸孔时，心悬都会情不自禁地为之波动。可能是当时太注重外表了吧？或是他的男人味不够浓？唉，男性是感官动物的这个事实，任谁也改变不了！

算了。不经一事，不长一智。要是再给我遇到那么好的男人，我就算是赴汤蹈火，也不会放过。

Distancing myself from Ryan

Ryan: Can I hold your hand?



Me: Errr.....

We were in his car. Before I even I had the time to rationalize his sudden and bold attempt to do so, I could already feel the warmth of his palm on mine.

I was flabbergasted.

No. I didn't enjoy it. I didn't feel the jittery rush of adrenaline I experienced when Efkay held my hand in his car. Neither did I have the erection that almost immediately developed when he started caressing my thigh, making my heart beat erratically with extreme excitement and lust.

Ryan's a friend of mine. We've been hanging out pretty much for the past one year. Our relationship, or more precisely, friendship, is completely platonic. He's totally not my type.

I always have the tendency to become very shy in the presence of someone I find hot, or someone who's so my type and whom I have a crush on. I stammer. I blush. I become tongue-tied and clumsy. I say ludicrous things that embarrass me. Sometimes, I feel inferior too, especially if the guy is very attractive. Thousands of thoughts will be racing through my mind. Am I hot today? Does he like the scent of the cologne I'm wearing? Is my tummy still protuberant after a voluntary effort to contract my rectus abdominis muscles hopelessly buried under multiple layers of abdominal fat? Do I look slim? Is my facial fat very obvious? Does he think I'm fat? Do I sound a like no-brainer? Do I look too desperate?  Simply put,  I experience something which can be summed up in a Chinese phrase -- 小鹿乱撞。

I don't really have a gay friend in where I'm studying. I don't have a clan like some of the bloggers. Or a group of best gay friends with whom you occasionally have meals and watch movies together. Hence, I hang out with Ryan for he's the only one who seems to be available. Owing to the fact that I'm not attracted to him physically, sexually and intellectually, I don't feel pressured. I talk whatever I want with him without the fear of being judged. I always meet him in flip-flops and sloppily dressed, unless we are going to places which require us to be dressed to kill.

Despite the numerous hints that he wants something more than friendship, I pay heed to none of them and just play dumb, assuming that he'd be brilliant enough to get the message. I've never exploited his kindness, as in letting him foot the bills when we hang out or buy me gifts, in order not to create a misunderstanding.

So, when Ryan held my hand, I was struck dumb with astonishment and confusion for a few seconds. And I could literally feel my perspiration trickling down my forehead.

I ingeniously switched our topic of conversation and politely pushed his hand away. I told him I wanted to show him the well-healed scar that had formed on my finger after I injured in accidentally 2 weeks ago.

Oh ya. Another thing. In spite of being intermittently horny, I loathe unnecessary physical contact. And for some inexplicable reason, Ryan's been doing that a lot lately, causing me considerable discomfort. He seems to have a particular liking for caressing my shoulders and touching my tummy. And I'm not even muscular or hot to begin with. My urge to warn him against doing that was only prevented by a reluctance to hurt his feelings.

I guess for the time being, I need to distance myself from him temporarily, although this means I might lose a friend and continue to delve deeper into loneliness.  Besides, I need to learn to say no whenever the situation calls for it. My lack of assertiveness has many a time been misconstrued as a form of acceptance and frailty. And that's when people think that their love is requited and make advances (physically).

Aih. My prince, where are you?