Never in my life had I felt so threatened by homophobia until today.
It's utterly disappointing when someone who's supposed to be on your side suddenly turns against you.
'Please do not comment about my sexuality in public in future.'
I so wanted to send her this message but after a second thought, I didn't. I knew it wouldn't help and would only cause our faltering friendship to crumble.
On another occasion, someone said this to me. ' See that effeminate guy? He'll soon become gay. That's how homosexuality occurs. First, you turn sissy. And as time passes by, you sort of metamorphose into a gay.'
I stared at him in incredulity. Those were the words which came from a 4th-year med student. And he wasn't aware that he's making that statement to a guy who's been gay for more than a decade.
For some stupid reason, I've been trying to give a hint to people around me that I'm gay. Yeah, I know it's idiotic. And I'll stop doing this from tomorrow onwards.
It hurts to realize that all I've got is myself. I promise I'll work harder. I've gotta be strong and resilient. I want to be formidable. I want to be outstanding and successful in life as this is one of the very few ways I can feel good about myself. And may the offspring of all the homophobic morons out there be gay so that the latter will understand how sickening homophobia can be some day.
Sunday, October 25, 2009
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Patience
The traffic jam really drives me crazy. I hate the fact that there are so many people and vehicles wherever I go. I wish the main roads could be widened and more flyovers built to ameliorate the traffic condition during peak hours. And I so wish that we had a teaching hospital within walking distance. I can't help but silently curse in frustration when I'm stranded in a deluge of cars moving at a snail's pace. Oh damn ... so annoying.
But, whenever my temper hovers near its boiling point, I can hear an inner voice telling me to calm down and be patient. I do comply, though it's really hard. Of course, this isn't only about the heavy traffic which tires me out. I'm exasperated by someone's poor sense of punctuality which ruined my plans today. I'm irritated by the fact that someone who blatantly ignores my feelings and expects me to be a gentleman all the time just because I'm a guy. And I keep telling myself to be patient every day when things don't pan out quite as expected.
As far as my studies are concerned, I'm doing fine. I've learnt how to perform an intubation (on a mannequin) and I have to say that anaesthesiology, which revolves around the art of knocking someone out, is quite interesting and extremely challenging. And I've decided to do my elective posting next year in Taiwan. The Taiwanese guys had better be as cute and twinky as those I see in the dramas and my porn. And who knows I'll bump into Willy? =)
Oh ya. I chanced upon someone who looked familiar in the hospital the other day. My mind registered the near-perfect physique of a man, searched my memory for a match and found one. He's one of the guys whose profile I came across on Planetromeo. Actually, that's not the first time I saw him. I'd always covertly checked out his ass. So, now I know a hot gay medical officer who works in the obstetrics and gynaecology department. =p
But, whenever my temper hovers near its boiling point, I can hear an inner voice telling me to calm down and be patient. I do comply, though it's really hard. Of course, this isn't only about the heavy traffic which tires me out. I'm exasperated by someone's poor sense of punctuality which ruined my plans today. I'm irritated by the fact that someone who blatantly ignores my feelings and expects me to be a gentleman all the time just because I'm a guy. And I keep telling myself to be patient every day when things don't pan out quite as expected.
As far as my studies are concerned, I'm doing fine. I've learnt how to perform an intubation (on a mannequin) and I have to say that anaesthesiology, which revolves around the art of knocking someone out, is quite interesting and extremely challenging. And I've decided to do my elective posting next year in Taiwan. The Taiwanese guys had better be as cute and twinky as those I see in the dramas and my porn. And who knows I'll bump into Willy? =)
Oh ya. I chanced upon someone who looked familiar in the hospital the other day. My mind registered the near-perfect physique of a man, searched my memory for a match and found one. He's one of the guys whose profile I came across on Planetromeo. Actually, that's not the first time I saw him. I'd always covertly checked out his ass. So, now I know a hot gay medical officer who works in the obstetrics and gynaecology department. =p
Monday, September 28, 2009
Back to school
My holiday has come to end. Sigh.
Classes will resume today. Coming up next is Combined Specialties Posting which comprises 3 subjects, namely anaesthesiology, otorhinolaryngology (ear, nose, throat or ENT) and ophthalmology (eye).
I'm glad that I spent my entire one-week break enjoying pastimes a holiday-deprived med student would during his or her leisure. A week of invigorating break is all I need to re-energize and prepare myself before I continue the battle.
I miss the days when my best friends and I carpooled to the hospital which is 40 minutes away from my campus. We're in the same group then and almost always did everything together for the first few years in med school. We were able to economize a lot on petrol. Sad to say, by an unfortunate twist of fate, we're now in different groups now. The grouping changes yearly.
Hence, I'm basically on my own now.
Due to financial constraints, I've decided to carpool with Navin, a group member of mine, from tomorrow onwards despite the inconvenience that I've anticipated. My car is quite old and annoyingly very fuel-consuming. I can't afford to drive to the hospital myself daily.
He's an average lovesick heterosexual who's very friendly and generous. And I am, by no means, a racist nor a heterophobe. The thing is, we aren't really close, you see. Not to the extent that he's willing to wait for me if I want to clerk an interesting case in the ward after office hour. Apart from that, he's an intelligent fellow who sometimes approaches things with a somewhat lackadaisical attitude. Whereas, I'm the mediocre and more kiasu one, admittedly. So, apparently, we have different ways of doing things and needless to say, minor conflicts as well as bickering matches are bound to take place. Oh ya... did I mention that he's extremely homophobic too?
I'm sort of in a dilemma. The only thing we have in common is our liking for DotA and swimming.
Never mind. I've got to learn to be mature somehow. I'll try to as patient and accommodating as I can. Well, I'm not evil, anyway. In fact, I'm pretty approachable and fun to be with. I just find it hard to participate in a conversation about girls with him.
No worries. Things will be fine. I look forward to seeing the cute doctors in the ward. And hopefully, Dr Phuah's still around. =D
Classes will resume today. Coming up next is Combined Specialties Posting which comprises 3 subjects, namely anaesthesiology, otorhinolaryngology (ear, nose, throat or ENT) and ophthalmology (eye).
I'm glad that I spent my entire one-week break enjoying pastimes a holiday-deprived med student would during his or her leisure. A week of invigorating break is all I need to re-energize and prepare myself before I continue the battle.
I miss the days when my best friends and I carpooled to the hospital which is 40 minutes away from my campus. We're in the same group then and almost always did everything together for the first few years in med school. We were able to economize a lot on petrol. Sad to say, by an unfortunate twist of fate, we're now in different groups now. The grouping changes yearly.
Hence, I'm basically on my own now.
Due to financial constraints, I've decided to carpool with Navin, a group member of mine, from tomorrow onwards despite the inconvenience that I've anticipated. My car is quite old and annoyingly very fuel-consuming. I can't afford to drive to the hospital myself daily.
He's an average lovesick heterosexual who's very friendly and generous. And I am, by no means, a racist nor a heterophobe. The thing is, we aren't really close, you see. Not to the extent that he's willing to wait for me if I want to clerk an interesting case in the ward after office hour. Apart from that, he's an intelligent fellow who sometimes approaches things with a somewhat lackadaisical attitude. Whereas, I'm the mediocre and more kiasu one, admittedly. So, apparently, we have different ways of doing things and needless to say, minor conflicts as well as bickering matches are bound to take place. Oh ya... did I mention that he's extremely homophobic too?
I'm sort of in a dilemma. The only thing we have in common is our liking for DotA and swimming.
Never mind. I've got to learn to be mature somehow. I'll try to as patient and accommodating as I can. Well, I'm not evil, anyway. In fact, I'm pretty approachable and fun to be with. I just find it hard to participate in a conversation about girls with him.
No worries. Things will be fine. I look forward to seeing the cute doctors in the ward. And hopefully, Dr Phuah's still around. =D
Saturday, September 26, 2009
Fat pads
Oh my god. I've got very ugly pics of mine on Facebook. I'm depressed. I know it's very childish of me to mind this but I can't help it. And I can't blame the person who uploaded them. I bet he didn't realize that most of the pics he took of me were from angles which made me look outrageously fat and unattractive.
Why? Why? Why?
Why do I gain weight so easily?
I know many things have been genetically pre-destined. But why does it have to be me?
Aih.
Perhaps, I should just keep on believing that I look attractive and in the meantime make serious efforts to get rid of the obnoxious fat pads on almost every square inch of my body. I've got to pretend I don't give a damn about what people think about me for the time being.
Why? Why? Why?
Why do I gain weight so easily?
I know many things have been genetically pre-destined. But why does it have to be me?
Aih.
Perhaps, I should just keep on believing that I look attractive and in the meantime make serious efforts to get rid of the obnoxious fat pads on almost every square inch of my body. I've got to pretend I don't give a damn about what people think about me for the time being.
Friday, September 25, 2009
Scuba-diving
I've been playing like mad every single day after my exam. We went to watch movies. Had nicer meals at nicer places. Played DotA endlessly. I even participated in a scuba-diving course with Jamie and Qing Ci under the Professional Association of Diving Instructors (PADI) and had got my licence.
There're certain things I told myself I had to accomplish before graduation. Well, I'd conquered Mount Kinabalu ( which was a feat), done white water rafting at Padas River and visited the Sepilok forest reserve and orang utan sanctuary. Now, the only thing left is snorkeling and scuba-diving in Sipadan Island, which boasts splendid world-class dive sites and scenic beaches, beckoning tens of thousands of tourists from all over the world each year. That explains my enthusiasm for attending the scuba-diving course.
It's a 3-day course. Cost us RM 670 each. And we got to scuba-dive at Mamutik Reef, Sapi Reef and Coral Garden off the coast of KK. It's a very enjoyable experience. It opened my eyes to the beautiful underwater world of rich marine habitats which I could only see superficially on the National Geographic or Discovery channels previously.
In the water, you're almost weightless. You control your buoyancy by inflating or deflating the buoyancy control device (BCD). You breathe through a scuba tank as you admire the awe-inspiring beauty of the fish and coral species in a myriad of colours. And it's very exhilarating when you try to reach out for the fishes that nonchalantly swim past you.
So, if you ever happen to be in the Land below the Wind, get your scuba-diving licence before going back. It's much cheaper here than in Peninsular Malaysia. Don't worry about drowning. I only got stung by a sea urchin because I underestimated the danger of playing with it.
The price is quite reasonable, considering that you get to ogle at hot guys sun-bathing and flaunting their six packs on the beaches. There're Jap guys who resembled those in my favourite porn collection! Oh my... I drooled ceaselessly looking at their asses and bulges. Stealthily took some pictures of them. Jamie almost caught me red-handed.
I'm going to Kundasang with my friends in a few hours' time. Yay! It's a highland popularly known as the foot of Mount Kinabalu. I've been there a couple of times. But, since Ah Teng offered to drive, I'm just gonna tag along.
There're certain things I told myself I had to accomplish before graduation. Well, I'd conquered Mount Kinabalu ( which was a feat), done white water rafting at Padas River and visited the Sepilok forest reserve and orang utan sanctuary. Now, the only thing left is snorkeling and scuba-diving in Sipadan Island, which boasts splendid world-class dive sites and scenic beaches, beckoning tens of thousands of tourists from all over the world each year. That explains my enthusiasm for attending the scuba-diving course.
It's a 3-day course. Cost us RM 670 each. And we got to scuba-dive at Mamutik Reef, Sapi Reef and Coral Garden off the coast of KK. It's a very enjoyable experience. It opened my eyes to the beautiful underwater world of rich marine habitats which I could only see superficially on the National Geographic or Discovery channels previously.
In the water, you're almost weightless. You control your buoyancy by inflating or deflating the buoyancy control device (BCD). You breathe through a scuba tank as you admire the awe-inspiring beauty of the fish and coral species in a myriad of colours. And it's very exhilarating when you try to reach out for the fishes that nonchalantly swim past you.
So, if you ever happen to be in the Land below the Wind, get your scuba-diving licence before going back. It's much cheaper here than in Peninsular Malaysia. Don't worry about drowning. I only got stung by a sea urchin because I underestimated the danger of playing with it.
The price is quite reasonable, considering that you get to ogle at hot guys sun-bathing and flaunting their six packs on the beaches. There're Jap guys who resembled those in my favourite porn collection! Oh my... I drooled ceaselessly looking at their asses and bulges. Stealthily took some pictures of them. Jamie almost caught me red-handed.
I'm going to Kundasang with my friends in a few hours' time. Yay! It's a highland popularly known as the foot of Mount Kinabalu. I've been there a couple of times. But, since Ah Teng offered to drive, I'm just gonna tag along.
Monday, September 21, 2009
Rants of an old gay
I've always subconsciously said or done things to manipulate people around me into thinking that I'm straight, attributable to the fact that I'm too timid to let them know about my sexuality.
Yet, I feel awful and am conscience-stricken. I've built a fortress around my real self so strong that no one around me really knows who I am. I think I'm a very fake person, in a way.
I do have several friends whom I spend most of my time with in where I'm studying. Yet, frankly speaking, I don't have a friend whom I can confide my innermost feelings in and that I can call to talk for hours when I'm upset. There're just too many things I can't reveal without raising their suspicion that I'm gay. Never have I intended to come out to them in view of their homophobic nature. Hence, everyone's constantly guessing which girl I'm seeing whenever I'm seen dressed up charmingly. Even my mom's suspecting that I'm having a clandestine relationship with a girl who lives in KL considering that I've been visiting the city quite frequently for unclear reasons of late.
And I guess I have too few genuine gay friends. It's very difficult for a friendship to blossom when both parties live thousands of miles apart from each other. However, I really do cherish the very few who care about me.
I feel sad and lonely. I'm a person who can hardly survive without friends. I'm worried that I'll become lonelier and be forgotten as I age. I've never really had a successful relationship in my entire life. I don't know what I've been doing for the past 20 years. For as long as I can remember, I've been trying to keep myself alive in a highly competitive learning environment in which everyone wants to outshine the rest.
I cried while watching Tsunami at Haeundae a couple of hours ago. There're many touching scenes. And I'm not sure if that's related to the tinge of sourness I feel in my heart now. Life's certainly not going to be a bed of roses if I weren't gay. Yet, I guess my life would be simpler if I weren't. At least, there's less hiding and explanation to be done.
I don't know why I'm writing this. I'm not a newbie. I'm not a new gay. It dawned on me that I was sexually attracted to the same sex when I was 12. So, theoretically speaking, I'm quite an old gay now.
I should be sleeping by now. I've got to wake early to attend a scuba-diving course. DIVING. Not driving. It's a 3-day course. I'm not going back to hometown during the Hari Raya break since the air tickets are too expensive.
Perhaps, I'm just having a bad mood. And my blog just happens to be one of the most appropriate places to take my frustrations out voicelessly. Hopefully, things will be better when tomorrow comes.
Yet, I feel awful and am conscience-stricken. I've built a fortress around my real self so strong that no one around me really knows who I am. I think I'm a very fake person, in a way.
I do have several friends whom I spend most of my time with in where I'm studying. Yet, frankly speaking, I don't have a friend whom I can confide my innermost feelings in and that I can call to talk for hours when I'm upset. There're just too many things I can't reveal without raising their suspicion that I'm gay. Never have I intended to come out to them in view of their homophobic nature. Hence, everyone's constantly guessing which girl I'm seeing whenever I'm seen dressed up charmingly. Even my mom's suspecting that I'm having a clandestine relationship with a girl who lives in KL considering that I've been visiting the city quite frequently for unclear reasons of late.
And I guess I have too few genuine gay friends. It's very difficult for a friendship to blossom when both parties live thousands of miles apart from each other. However, I really do cherish the very few who care about me.
I feel sad and lonely. I'm a person who can hardly survive without friends. I'm worried that I'll become lonelier and be forgotten as I age. I've never really had a successful relationship in my entire life. I don't know what I've been doing for the past 20 years. For as long as I can remember, I've been trying to keep myself alive in a highly competitive learning environment in which everyone wants to outshine the rest.
I cried while watching Tsunami at Haeundae a couple of hours ago. There're many touching scenes. And I'm not sure if that's related to the tinge of sourness I feel in my heart now. Life's certainly not going to be a bed of roses if I weren't gay. Yet, I guess my life would be simpler if I weren't. At least, there's less hiding and explanation to be done.
I don't know why I'm writing this. I'm not a newbie. I'm not a new gay. It dawned on me that I was sexually attracted to the same sex when I was 12. So, theoretically speaking, I'm quite an old gay now.
I should be sleeping by now. I've got to wake early to attend a scuba-diving course. DIVING. Not driving. It's a 3-day course. I'm not going back to hometown during the Hari Raya break since the air tickets are too expensive.
Perhaps, I'm just having a bad mood. And my blog just happens to be one of the most appropriate places to take my frustrations out voicelessly. Hopefully, things will be better when tomorrow comes.
Monday, September 14, 2009
Life's a bitch
Today's papers weren't easy. Well, had I worked harder before the exam, they'd have been much easier. See, that's the consequence of procrastination. But, thanks God. Nothing hi-fi came out. Was able to scribble something for every question.
I just got to know that one of the specialists who'll be assessing me for my orthopaedic long case tomorrow is a sports physician whose tail I'd previously stepped on, unintentionally. She's a little sensitive, I guess. At least, most of my group members agreed.
She clearly has a bad impression of me. And I'm naturally not fond of her. Let's hope that she won't penalize me tomorrow based on that ground. But, to say that I'm not worried at all is a lie.
Life's a bitch at times. I prayed so hard that she wouldn't be my examiner and see what happens now.
I just got to know that one of the specialists who'll be assessing me for my orthopaedic long case tomorrow is a sports physician whose tail I'd previously stepped on, unintentionally. She's a little sensitive, I guess. At least, most of my group members agreed.
She clearly has a bad impression of me. And I'm naturally not fond of her. Let's hope that she won't penalize me tomorrow based on that ground. But, to say that I'm not worried at all is a lie.
Life's a bitch at times. I prayed so hard that she wouldn't be my examiner and see what happens now.
Saturday, September 12, 2009
I don't like girls
I don't like girls. I find it very hard to co-exist with them. They're worse then straight guys at times.
I think I'm a weird gay.
=(
I think I'm a weird gay.
=(
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Rants of a lazy worm
I'm under a lot of stress. Allow me to write something childish.
My end-of-posting exam will be held next Monday. And here I am, still writing my case reports and slacking off.
I could have completed my assignments much earlier. That would give me more time to revise now. Yet, I procrastinated. I spent lots of time online, going for movies and hanging out with 2 gay friends whom I had just got acquainted to.
I really do emulate my female course-mates who always manage to finish their assignments way before the deadline. Arghh... what a lazy worm I am.
I read with envy and shock about how Little Dove was enticed into having sex by a medical officer in the ward. Alright. I admit I'm jealous. I was wondering why this sorta thing had never happened to me. I believe that I'm charming. So, what went wrong? Well, I don't mean to say that I have the craving for getting laid. It's morally bad and will wipe away all the karmic merits I've accrued over the years. =D
Nonetheless, whenever I see Dr Phuah passing by, the fantasy of grabbing his butt and banging him never fails to surface on my mind. Ahaks. Dr Phuah's cute and adorable. And his ass is tight, seriously. He's mainly in the medical ward. Yet, he comes to the orthopaedic ward occasionally. That's when I get to ogle at him. I noticed that there's nothing on his ring fingers and he smiled to me a couple of times. Oh my gosh, is that a sign?
No worries. I think I just feel lonely. I suppose I'm still very much a decent and down-to-earth kampung boy who has never been mistaken as a sexual pervert. I'll try to stay strong and not give in to lust.
Oh well, I think should be studying now. The orthopaedic surgeons are generally very friendly. Am keeping my fingers crossed that they'll be lenient and friendly during the exam too.
My end-of-posting exam will be held next Monday. And here I am, still writing my case reports and slacking off.
I could have completed my assignments much earlier. That would give me more time to revise now. Yet, I procrastinated. I spent lots of time online, going for movies and hanging out with 2 gay friends whom I had just got acquainted to.
I really do emulate my female course-mates who always manage to finish their assignments way before the deadline. Arghh... what a lazy worm I am.
I read with envy and shock about how Little Dove was enticed into having sex by a medical officer in the ward. Alright. I admit I'm jealous. I was wondering why this sorta thing had never happened to me. I believe that I'm charming. So, what went wrong? Well, I don't mean to say that I have the craving for getting laid. It's morally bad and will wipe away all the karmic merits I've accrued over the years. =D
Nonetheless, whenever I see Dr Phuah passing by, the fantasy of grabbing his butt and banging him never fails to surface on my mind. Ahaks. Dr Phuah's cute and adorable. And his ass is tight, seriously. He's mainly in the medical ward. Yet, he comes to the orthopaedic ward occasionally. That's when I get to ogle at him. I noticed that there's nothing on his ring fingers and he smiled to me a couple of times. Oh my gosh, is that a sign?
No worries. I think I just feel lonely. I suppose I'm still very much a decent and down-to-earth kampung boy who has never been mistaken as a sexual pervert. I'll try to stay strong and not give in to lust.
Oh well, I think should be studying now. The orthopaedic surgeons are generally very friendly. Am keeping my fingers crossed that they'll be lenient and friendly during the exam too.
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Sometimes
Sometimes, you're into him, but he's just not that into you.
Sometimes, he's into you, but you're not into him.
Sometimes, you both are into each other but separated from each other by 1000 miles.
Why?
Sometimes, he's into you, but you're not into him.
Sometimes, you both are into each other but separated from each other by 1000 miles.
Why?
Sunday, August 30, 2009
An evening with Marcus
I went out with a guy today. For the first time. The good thing is, I sorta have a good impression of him. It's kinda sweet encountering guys who can impress you, isn't it? =D
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
I cooked
I participated in the cooking for the guys today. For the first time in my life, I cooked. And what I cooked was edible, surprisingly. But of course, this was preceded by 4 weeks of observing how others cooked.
Today is a day I want to remember. Which is why I blogged. Ahh. What a lame entry.
By the way, the student nurses left today. They've completed their training here.
My straight group mates have flirted excessively with the cute female student nurses for the past few weeks. Samson even succeeded in pursuing one of them.
I hope no one thinks I'm odd. Or heterophobic. I don't remember introducing myself to any of the chicks, except Richel, the twinky male nursing student whom I'd been stalking.
Yet, he's gone. Before I had the courage to ask him for his number. Aiks.
Today is a day I want to remember. Which is why I blogged. Ahh. What a lame entry.
By the way, the student nurses left today. They've completed their training here.
My straight group mates have flirted excessively with the cute female student nurses for the past few weeks. Samson even succeeded in pursuing one of them.
I hope no one thinks I'm odd. Or heterophobic. I don't remember introducing myself to any of the chicks, except Richel, the twinky male nursing student whom I'd been stalking.
Yet, he's gone. Before I had the courage to ask him for his number. Aiks.
Saturday, July 11, 2009
Poker face
I realize I've become very pretentious of late.
Don't get me wrong. I don't tell lies. In fact, I think I'm a lousy liar.
I have the tendency to repress my my real feelings and emotions in front of people whom I've known only superficially.
I can look very calm when I'm blazing with wrath deep inside.
When faced with an unjust treatment, I don't always get pissed off and voice out my discontent, unless the situation really calls for retaliation.
Sometimes, I do things which which I don't really like, if I know not doing it will provoke others.
When you're being randomly put into a group of people with whom you'll be spending the rest of the year doing the same postings together, it's only wise to be on good terms with everyone. And this entails a lot of tolerance and understanding.
Is being pretentious part of growing up? Or is there a nicer word to replace it?
I think it's prerequisite to survival.
Darn. I wish I were a child.
Don't get me wrong. I don't tell lies. In fact, I think I'm a lousy liar.
I have the tendency to repress my my real feelings and emotions in front of people whom I've known only superficially.
I can look very calm when I'm blazing with wrath deep inside.
When faced with an unjust treatment, I don't always get pissed off and voice out my discontent, unless the situation really calls for retaliation.
Sometimes, I do things which which I don't really like, if I know not doing it will provoke others.
When you're being randomly put into a group of people with whom you'll be spending the rest of the year doing the same postings together, it's only wise to be on good terms with everyone. And this entails a lot of tolerance and understanding.
Is being pretentious part of growing up? Or is there a nicer word to replace it?
I think it's prerequisite to survival.
Darn. I wish I were a child.
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Adorable medical assistant
Despite having been away from civilization for only a month or so, I've begun to feel detached from the world I used to live in.
I feel sorta lonely at times, really. Yet, fortunately, my studies and the amount of case reports I have to submit by the end of the posting do keep me almost constantly busy and from spiraling downwards into melancholy.
For some reason, I'm at loggerheads with my group leader. I've never liked him since 1st year. And the fact he scolded CH and I for something trivial we did which, in his opinion, was wrong, just made matters worse.
It's not easy to make real friends who're genuinely nice to you in med school. Friends who'd cook porridge for you when you're sick. Studying and excelling in examinations are everyone's priorities. They're not to blame because everyone, including me, fears the consequences of failing a paper. There's a lot of competition and kiasu-ism is rampant.
Sometimes, I'm just tired. Sometimes, I wish I could have someone to fall back on. Someone to love. And a pair of strong arms to wrap around me. However, I know I can only dream for now.
By the way, there's a fucking adorable medical assistant in the A&E department that I thought was obviously gay.
Him: Dr. E and F (a couple) are going to HK for vacation. Air tickets are cheap.
Me: Oh ya? So nice.
Him: When's your holiday? I was hoping that I could go with you. You can speak Mandarin and this will definitely make things easier.
Me: ....
Him: Eh, what's your number ah?
Opps. Do I look that gay? =) Ahaks. Nah. Of course not. I think it's just that his gaydar is too sophisticated.
I did give him my number, though we barely even know each other. Not because I'm slutty k? It'd be too impolite of me had I refused, don't you think so?
We'll see. Heh.
I feel sorta lonely at times, really. Yet, fortunately, my studies and the amount of case reports I have to submit by the end of the posting do keep me almost constantly busy and from spiraling downwards into melancholy.
For some reason, I'm at loggerheads with my group leader. I've never liked him since 1st year. And the fact he scolded CH and I for something trivial we did which, in his opinion, was wrong, just made matters worse.
It's not easy to make real friends who're genuinely nice to you in med school. Friends who'd cook porridge for you when you're sick. Studying and excelling in examinations are everyone's priorities. They're not to blame because everyone, including me, fears the consequences of failing a paper. There's a lot of competition and kiasu-ism is rampant.
Sometimes, I'm just tired. Sometimes, I wish I could have someone to fall back on. Someone to love. And a pair of strong arms to wrap around me. However, I know I can only dream for now.
By the way, there's a fucking adorable medical assistant in the A&E department that I thought was obviously gay.
Him: Dr. E and F (a couple) are going to HK for vacation. Air tickets are cheap.
Me: Oh ya? So nice.
Him: When's your holiday? I was hoping that I could go with you. You can speak Mandarin and this will definitely make things easier.
Me: ....
Him: Eh, what's your number ah?
Opps. Do I look that gay? =) Ahaks. Nah. Of course not. I think it's just that his gaydar is too sophisticated.
I did give him my number, though we barely even know each other. Not because I'm slutty k? It'd be too impolite of me had I refused, don't you think so?
We'll see. Heh.
Sunday, July 5, 2009
I cried
N.B.: Thalassaemia major is a genetic blood disorder that's very common in Sabah. The haemoglobin levels become very low due to increased red blood cell destruction, necessitating repeated blood transfusions for life prolongation. It's incurable and non-communicable. Thalassaemics don't live long. In the end, their hearts invariably fail.
He collapsed.
The doctor and nurses pumped in all sorts of drugs into his veins and did a cardiopulmonary resuscitation (CPR) to save him. His ECG reading was bizarre. Ventricular fibrillation ? An endotracheal intubation was done as he was unable to breathe spontaneously.
It's an emergency.
I could hear the hysterical cries of his mother as SL and I took turns to do the chest compressions.
He suffered from beta-thalassaemia major and had developed severe decompensated heart failure and acute pulmonary oedema. A few thalassaemic patients, whom he'd got acquainted to while being hospitalized, looked from afar, stunned and helpless. I guess the situation must have freaked them out, knowing that that's how their lives were going to end.
The doctor managed to stabilize him. But, I knew deep in my heart that his prognosis was bad. The nurses left him to fill up some forms. I guess there're some routine blood investigations to be done. I volunteered to do the bag ventilation for him as there's no mechanical ventilator in the ward.
Everyone left. I suspected the doctor had relinquished all hope in reviving him. I did the bagging patiently for the next 45 minutes. Who knows there might be a miracle? This sounds ridiculous, but it's an idealism all medical students are supposed to have.
I took a hard look at his almost lifeless body. His nasal bridge was depressed. His cheekbones and forehead were prominent and his liver was huge, all of which were due to extra-medullary haemopoiesis characteristic of the disease. Iron deposition secondary to repeated blood transfusions had put on a slate-grey coat upon his skin. He opened his eyes wide to stare at me thrice. A reflex that ached my heart.
Uncontrollably, tears welled up in my eyes. I didn't see that coming, seriously. I hastily dabbed my tears and pretended to wipe away the perspiration on my forehead when a staff nurse suddenly barged in.
He died in the A&E department half an hour later.
Miracles rarely happen.
He collapsed.
The doctor and nurses pumped in all sorts of drugs into his veins and did a cardiopulmonary resuscitation (CPR) to save him. His ECG reading was bizarre. Ventricular fibrillation ? An endotracheal intubation was done as he was unable to breathe spontaneously.
It's an emergency.
I could hear the hysterical cries of his mother as SL and I took turns to do the chest compressions.
He suffered from beta-thalassaemia major and had developed severe decompensated heart failure and acute pulmonary oedema. A few thalassaemic patients, whom he'd got acquainted to while being hospitalized, looked from afar, stunned and helpless. I guess the situation must have freaked them out, knowing that that's how their lives were going to end.
The doctor managed to stabilize him. But, I knew deep in my heart that his prognosis was bad. The nurses left him to fill up some forms. I guess there're some routine blood investigations to be done. I volunteered to do the bag ventilation for him as there's no mechanical ventilator in the ward.
Everyone left. I suspected the doctor had relinquished all hope in reviving him. I did the bagging patiently for the next 45 minutes. Who knows there might be a miracle? This sounds ridiculous, but it's an idealism all medical students are supposed to have.
I took a hard look at his almost lifeless body. His nasal bridge was depressed. His cheekbones and forehead were prominent and his liver was huge, all of which were due to extra-medullary haemopoiesis characteristic of the disease. Iron deposition secondary to repeated blood transfusions had put on a slate-grey coat upon his skin. He opened his eyes wide to stare at me thrice. A reflex that ached my heart.
Uncontrollably, tears welled up in my eyes. I didn't see that coming, seriously. I hastily dabbed my tears and pretended to wipe away the perspiration on my forehead when a staff nurse suddenly barged in.
He died in the A&E department half an hour later.
Miracles rarely happen.
Monday, June 29, 2009
Twinky male nurse
I did a suture on a patient this morning. He had a cut on his right ankle. I never enjoy doing it on a conscious patient, or worse still, a child. I'm still not very adept at suturing and my lack of confidence is apparent whenever I seek the nurses' help.
The patient was watching me closely I made every stitch with worries and extreme care. I was under a lot of tension and afraid that something would go wrong and he'd shout at me. Yet, with the assistance of a cute male student nurse who patiently guided me almost throughout the procedure, I guess I did quite a good job. At least, the patient didn't display any sign of impatience or dissatisfaction.
By the way, the male student nurse is such a twink. Ritchel caught my attention the first day I started my posting here. Fair complexion. Short. Slim. Looks like a Chinese. And clad in white from head to toes and always puts on a angelic smile. Yummy!
How high is the possibility of a male nurse being gay? JY told me it's 99 %. I so am going to seize every chance to establish an eye contact with him tomorrow, just for the sake of confirming he's gay. Hopefully, it'll last more than 5 seconds. Hehe.
I don't think it makes me a slut doing this, right? So, wish me luck.
The patient was watching me closely I made every stitch with worries and extreme care. I was under a lot of tension and afraid that something would go wrong and he'd shout at me. Yet, with the assistance of a cute male student nurse who patiently guided me almost throughout the procedure, I guess I did quite a good job. At least, the patient didn't display any sign of impatience or dissatisfaction.
By the way, the male student nurse is such a twink. Ritchel caught my attention the first day I started my posting here. Fair complexion. Short. Slim. Looks like a Chinese. And clad in white from head to toes and always puts on a angelic smile. Yummy!
How high is the possibility of a male nurse being gay? JY told me it's 99 %. I so am going to seize every chance to establish an eye contact with him tomorrow, just for the sake of confirming he's gay. Hopefully, it'll last more than 5 seconds. Hehe.
I don't think it makes me a slut doing this, right? So, wish me luck.
Sunday, June 28, 2009
Broken into
I seldom blog these days. Bet you've noticed. Most of the time, I'm just too lazy. And when I do post an entry, it's usually because I'm not really happy and blogosphere is where I can take my frustration out.
I've been PMS-ing for the past few days.
My room was broken into during my year break. My kettle, pencil case containing lots of stationery, pen torch, measuring tape, washing detergent, body shampoo and multi-socket electrical extension leads had been stolen. I was even more annoyed when informed that the suspected culprit was actually a senior of mine. A med student. Atrocious! I shudder to think of what sort of doctor he's gonna be. He'd have definitely been expelled had my roommates (who suffered a great loss too) and I had the time to collect the evidence and report to the authorities concerned.
And when I heard that he'd been retained a year as a consequence of flunking several subjects in year 4, I was exuberant. So, we're basically in the same year now. Shame on him! I so wish that he'll be retained another year and be my junior.
Apart from that, no one's calling me Puppy anymore. I feel kinda sad and apologetic whenever I think of this. I guess it's my fault. Let's just hope that I learned something and won't repeat my mistakes when a potential boyfriend shows up again in future. There's no use crying over spilled milk.
By the way, I'm currently in 4th year. District Hospital Posting. 7 consecutive weeks in a very ulu and provincial town. Wait, I'm not even sure if it's a town. Arghh! I miss the foam party in Marketplace as well as the semi-nude guys dancing crazily and flaunting their muscles in the pool of bubbles.
I've been PMS-ing for the past few days.
My room was broken into during my year break. My kettle, pencil case containing lots of stationery, pen torch, measuring tape, washing detergent, body shampoo and multi-socket electrical extension leads had been stolen. I was even more annoyed when informed that the suspected culprit was actually a senior of mine. A med student. Atrocious! I shudder to think of what sort of doctor he's gonna be. He'd have definitely been expelled had my roommates (who suffered a great loss too) and I had the time to collect the evidence and report to the authorities concerned.
And when I heard that he'd been retained a year as a consequence of flunking several subjects in year 4, I was exuberant. So, we're basically in the same year now. Shame on him! I so wish that he'll be retained another year and be my junior.
Apart from that, no one's calling me Puppy anymore. I feel kinda sad and apologetic whenever I think of this. I guess it's my fault. Let's just hope that I learned something and won't repeat my mistakes when a potential boyfriend shows up again in future. There's no use crying over spilled milk.
By the way, I'm currently in 4th year. District Hospital Posting. 7 consecutive weeks in a very ulu and provincial town. Wait, I'm not even sure if it's a town. Arghh! I miss the foam party in Marketplace as well as the semi-nude guys dancing crazily and flaunting their muscles in the pool of bubbles.
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Taiwan?
There's going to be another elective posting in a year's time. We're encouraged to get attached to a hospital abroad. And many of my coursemates are already discussing where to go. And it's not surprising that some of that have even started to apply.
I've always wanted to do my elective posting in Australia. Probably Melbourne. First of all, I've not travelled to a country where the people are white and English is widely spoken. I thought it's awesome if I could spend a month there and do a little bit of sightseeing before returning. What's more, it's not that far from home and I have friends who're doing medicine there too.
The problem is, I can't get someone to accompany me. The idea of going somewhere I've never been to alone and grappling with every obstacle that comes my way on my own just freaks me out. Certainly, I'm not a person who can't stand on his own feet. But, seriously, I don't think I can do that alone.
Some of my coursemates said they coulnd't afford to do it overseas. Mind you, the electively posting is completely self-sponsored. Tai's godparents live in the US and he said he's probably going there. Most of my good friends are very enthusiastic about going to Taiwan. An option I didn't consider at all initially. They reasoned that they could converse with the patients in Mandarin and that'd save them a lot trouble i.e. staring blankly with jaws dropped at patients who mutter something unintelligible to them in an Australian accent. And I thought they're ridiculous.
Now, it seems that going to Taiwan is not that bad at all. At least, the food is great and I heard there're loads of cute guys on the streets.
Now, I really do think going to Taiwan is not bad at all.
I've always wanted to do my elective posting in Australia. Probably Melbourne. First of all, I've not travelled to a country where the people are white and English is widely spoken. I thought it's awesome if I could spend a month there and do a little bit of sightseeing before returning. What's more, it's not that far from home and I have friends who're doing medicine there too.
The problem is, I can't get someone to accompany me. The idea of going somewhere I've never been to alone and grappling with every obstacle that comes my way on my own just freaks me out. Certainly, I'm not a person who can't stand on his own feet. But, seriously, I don't think I can do that alone.
Some of my coursemates said they coulnd't afford to do it overseas. Mind you, the electively posting is completely self-sponsored. Tai's godparents live in the US and he said he's probably going there. Most of my good friends are very enthusiastic about going to Taiwan. An option I didn't consider at all initially. They reasoned that they could converse with the patients in Mandarin and that'd save them a lot trouble i.e. staring blankly with jaws dropped at patients who mutter something unintelligible to them in an Australian accent. And I thought they're ridiculous.
Now, it seems that going to Taiwan is not that bad at all. At least, the food is great and I heard there're loads of cute guys on the streets.
Now, I really do think going to Taiwan is not bad at all.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Dreaming of him
I dreamt of him when I was taking my nap. It's my first time dreaming about him. So, I thought I should just write it here ( as a record).
It wasn't very clear. But, I know it's him. We're holding hands, browsing around in a mall, together with my other gay friends.
I guess he's under a lot of job tension lately, which explains the cold shoulder that I'm getting.
All of a sudden, I've come to realize that it's true when people say love is not only about two persons liking each other. It's more than that, isn't it? Whatever it is, it's definitely not easy. I'm trying my best to be understanding and accommodating.
I swam today. Saw the coach who taught me breaststroke when I was 12. He used to have a beautiful abdomen. Can't remember how many erections I'd had during my swimming class. Yet, now, those 6 packs have become obscured by a huge tummy.
External beauty is not permanent.
It wasn't very clear. But, I know it's him. We're holding hands, browsing around in a mall, together with my other gay friends.
I guess he's under a lot of job tension lately, which explains the cold shoulder that I'm getting.
All of a sudden, I've come to realize that it's true when people say love is not only about two persons liking each other. It's more than that, isn't it? Whatever it is, it's definitely not easy. I'm trying my best to be understanding and accommodating.
I swam today. Saw the coach who taught me breaststroke when I was 12. He used to have a beautiful abdomen. Can't remember how many erections I'd had during my swimming class. Yet, now, those 6 packs have become obscured by a huge tummy.
External beauty is not permanent.
Saturday, May 9, 2009
I passed
Well, I passed. What a relief!
Our results have not been released. We only got to know whether or not we passed. It's rumoured that only a few aced. Majority of us just managed to scrape through. I think I'm one of them. I did badly in the questions on biochemistry. I've never liked it. But, who cares? I passed. I hope there're still patients who want to see me in future knowing that I just scraped though, My heart goes out to the unfortunate few who didn't.
Last night was hot, especially in the car. We didn't make out, k? Just a little touching and hand-holding.
Me: There're people watching!
Him: So what? They're holding hands too.
I saw a pearl in the jewellery shop. Rm 80. The cheapest of all those put on display. Thought of buying it for my mom as Mother's Day gift but am wondering if it's authentic. I'm flying home tomorrow. I have a one-month break before 4th year begins.
Argh!! If only I were more financially capable...
Our results have not been released. We only got to know whether or not we passed. It's rumoured that only a few aced. Majority of us just managed to scrape through. I think I'm one of them. I did badly in the questions on biochemistry. I've never liked it. But, who cares? I passed. I hope there're still patients who want to see me in future knowing that I just scraped though, My heart goes out to the unfortunate few who didn't.
Last night was hot, especially in the car. We didn't make out, k? Just a little touching and hand-holding.
Me: There're people watching!
Him: So what? They're holding hands too.
I saw a pearl in the jewellery shop. Rm 80. The cheapest of all those put on display. Thought of buying it for my mom as Mother's Day gift but am wondering if it's authentic. I'm flying home tomorrow. I have a one-month break before 4th year begins.
Argh!! If only I were more financially capable...
Thursday, May 7, 2009
It's over
Professional Exam 1 is just over.
It's nighmarish. Really.
Anatomy, physiology, biochemistry, microbiology, pathology, internal medicine, general surgery, obstestrics and gynaecology. These were the subjects within the scope. We're expected to know everything. The theoretical, practical and clinical aspect of everything (at undergraduate level).
I had 6 weeks to prepare for the exam. Yet, I only spent the last week doing so. Recalling the embarrassing moments I perspired profusely when the external examiners asked me simple things which I couldn't answer properly, I regret not making a serious effort to study.
All I did was selective reading. Studying things I felt were important. There was simply too much to revise.
Deep in my heart, I hope I can pass. God, please!
And I'll be watching a movie with Efkay tomorrow night. I plan to hold his hand during that. =)
It's nighmarish. Really.
Anatomy, physiology, biochemistry, microbiology, pathology, internal medicine, general surgery, obstestrics and gynaecology. These were the subjects within the scope. We're expected to know everything. The theoretical, practical and clinical aspect of everything (at undergraduate level).
I had 6 weeks to prepare for the exam. Yet, I only spent the last week doing so. Recalling the embarrassing moments I perspired profusely when the external examiners asked me simple things which I couldn't answer properly, I regret not making a serious effort to study.
All I did was selective reading. Studying things I felt were important. There was simply too much to revise.
Deep in my heart, I hope I can pass. God, please!
And I'll be watching a movie with Efkay tomorrow night. I plan to hold his hand during that. =)
Thursday, April 30, 2009
He held my hand
We had dinner at the restaurant together as planned. He asked if he could sit next to me. I looked at the waiters and waitresses who're intermittently stealing surreptitious glances at us and shook my head. Too awkward, I explained.
Then, we shared a bowl of frozen yogurt with 6 toppings at Yogurberry. He scooped a spoon of yogurt and put in front of my mouth. I just gulped in, without considering the possibility that there might be someone staring disapprovingly at us. Arghh!! Why am I gay?!
He offered to drive me to the area where my car was parked (which was in a free-parking area pretty far away). He held my hand and caressed it gently against his thigh. That's the first time in my life someone I adored held my hand. And uncontrollably, I had an erection. I'm a guy, k? A conservative and occasionally horny one. Well, at least I didn't pounce on him and rip his clothes off ferociously. A puppy has got to behave like one, right? Tame and fragile (which is so not me).
As predicted, again, I didn't have to pay a cent. He always insists on paying for me. Damn. I feel bad. Yet, being pampered feels nice. Don't you think so? Erm. I promise I'll treat him to a meal on our next date, if he allows. =)
I'm definitely going to be fat!
Then, we shared a bowl of frozen yogurt with 6 toppings at Yogurberry. He scooped a spoon of yogurt and put in front of my mouth. I just gulped in, without considering the possibility that there might be someone staring disapprovingly at us. Arghh!! Why am I gay?!
He offered to drive me to the area where my car was parked (which was in a free-parking area pretty far away). He held my hand and caressed it gently against his thigh. That's the first time in my life someone I adored held my hand. And uncontrollably, I had an erection. I'm a guy, k? A conservative and occasionally horny one. Well, at least I didn't pounce on him and rip his clothes off ferociously. A puppy has got to behave like one, right? Tame and fragile (which is so not me).
As predicted, again, I didn't have to pay a cent. He always insists on paying for me. Damn. I feel bad. Yet, being pampered feels nice. Don't you think so? Erm. I promise I'll treat him to a meal on our next date, if he allows. =)
I'm definitely going to be fat!
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Dating someone
Me: Efkay, I like you.
Him: Our feelings are mutual.
Sometimes, our messages are short. Straight to the point.
I guess I'm kinda dating someone now. Hehe. Hope it works. Wish me luck. No. we aren't a couple yet. We've decided to hang out for some time and see if we really are compatible with each other before embarking on a relationship.
Well, honestly, I'm happy. Whether or not it works, I'm happy, for having a chance to date someone whom I think is my type (for the time being). And I can't believe this is happening one week before a major which determines whether or not I can proceed to 4th year.
Oh ya, we're going to dinner today. He said that I needn't dress up nicely when meeting him. That's a good idea. Hehe. I can save a lot of hassle.
Him: Our feelings are mutual.
Sometimes, our messages are short. Straight to the point.
I guess I'm kinda dating someone now. Hehe. Hope it works. Wish me luck. No. we aren't a couple yet. We've decided to hang out for some time and see if we really are compatible with each other before embarking on a relationship.
Well, honestly, I'm happy. Whether or not it works, I'm happy, for having a chance to date someone whom I think is my type (for the time being). And I can't believe this is happening one week before a major which determines whether or not I can proceed to 4th year.
Oh ya, we're going to dinner today. He said that I needn't dress up nicely when meeting him. That's a good idea. Hehe. I can save a lot of hassle.
Monday, April 27, 2009
I'll be thinking of you
We're briefed on the examination this morning. I could see tension in everyone. As usual, there a few brilliant ones discussing things which I had no clue to. Aih. Pressured.
Heard that the passing mark for the upcoming exam is 50 %, which is 15% lower than that of every single test I've sat for for the past 3 years. Though a little bit relieved, I still shudder at the thought of not passing.
Efkay had headache today. Spinning and exploding, he described.
I asked him to rest and take paracetamol if necessary.
Efkay said he wanted his Puppy.
=)
I told to him that I had to study. And that I'd kiss away his headache if I could.
Him: I'll be fine. I'll be thinking of you.
Me: Not that hot gym instructor? Haha. Ok lor. ;-)
Him: No. It's you. Go read your books now.
That's really sweet. =)
Heard that the passing mark for the upcoming exam is 50 %, which is 15% lower than that of every single test I've sat for for the past 3 years. Though a little bit relieved, I still shudder at the thought of not passing.
Efkay had headache today. Spinning and exploding, he described.
I asked him to rest and take paracetamol if necessary.
Efkay said he wanted his Puppy.
=)
I told to him that I had to study. And that I'd kiss away his headache if I could.
Him: I'll be fine. I'll be thinking of you.
Me: Not that hot gym instructor? Haha. Ok lor. ;-)
Him: No. It's you. Go read your books now.
That's really sweet. =)
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Energized
I just dined with the guy who calls me Puppy.
I think I'm fond of him. Especially his scent.
=)
Time to study. ( I feel motivated and energized now.)
=)
I think I'm fond of him. Especially his scent.
=)
Time to study. ( I feel motivated and energized now.)
=)
Saturday, April 25, 2009
God, please!
Had my passport renewed today. We agreed to switch our destination to Hanoi, Vietnam. 4 faggots going on vacay... Sounds awesome. I really look forward to the trip. Our leader has even asked me check out the gay spots in the capital, which I haven't got the chance to do.
Will be flying back to East Malaysia tomorrow. To sit an exam.
Kinda miss home. But, well, just a fortnight. I'll be back in two weeks' time.
I thought I could study more efficiently at home. Nevertheless, all I did was slacking off and procrastinating. I should have flown back earlier to prepare.
It's always right before the exam I wish I were a bookworm. Because that means I'd have revised everything within the scope by now. And that I needn't have to burn the midnight oil.
Yet, why am I such a lazy bone?
=(
God, please help me! Let me pass. I just wanna pass. I wanna go to Hanoi. Please.... I swear I'll study more consistently in the future.
Will be flying back to East Malaysia tomorrow. To sit an exam.
Kinda miss home. But, well, just a fortnight. I'll be back in two weeks' time.
I thought I could study more efficiently at home. Nevertheless, all I did was slacking off and procrastinating. I should have flown back earlier to prepare.
It's always right before the exam I wish I were a bookworm. Because that means I'd have revised everything within the scope by now. And that I needn't have to burn the midnight oil.
Yet, why am I such a lazy bone?
=(
God, please help me! Let me pass. I just wanna pass. I wanna go to Hanoi. Please.... I swear I'll study more consistently in the future.
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
What's life?
The smell of burning incense pervaded the living room, where I saw him lying peacefully on his death bed, clad in traditional Chinese costume from head to toes. Lifeless, pale and motionless but calm and serene. Death, perhaps, is a release from life's innumerable struggles.
A close relative of mine just passed away. My dad's brother-in-law, Uncle Chan. It's what forensic pathologists would call a sudden death. Myocardial infarction, I suppose. Despite my calling him a close relative, I don't think we're close at all, if not estranged, considering that we only meet on special family occasions, namely, a wedding or funeral. And now, it's gonna be his funeral.
His death triggered a wave of thoughts in my mind. What's life? I don't think many people bother about this. They live their lives the way they think is right. They do what conforms to societal norms and ought to be done. For instance, enrolling in a premier university, majoring in a favourite subject, materializing their childhood ambitions, obtaining high-paying jobs, getting married, reproducing and raising their offspring into successful individuals who repeat the entire process.
As far as I'm concerned, life is simply a series of events revolving around birth, aging, getting ill and eventually death. A universal process mankind has to experience. Unstoppable, irreversible and cruel. It transcends socioeconomic status, religious beliefs and ethnicity. None of us mortals are spared from it, be us rich or poor, gay or straight, top or bottom, white or black, handsome or ugly, with or without 6 packs.
Whatever life is, I hope mine will be filled with much joy and love. May He fortify my will to stay away from sins and accrue as many karmic merits as I can to swap for a reincarnation in heaven. (But, seriously, I can't do without gay porn. How how how?)
Well, back to Uncle Chan. May he rest in peace. Heard that my affluent aunts from KL would be coming up north to attend the funeral. My perfectionist mom is already complaining about having to make the house spotlessly clean to for the guests and, meanwhile, worried-sick about my 3-year-old nephew who's been hospitalized for recurrent tonsillitis.
As for me, I'm making a serious effort to revise as much as possible before flying back this Sunday. Professional exam. And hopefully, I can get to dine with the guy who calls me Puppy. =)
A close relative of mine just passed away. My dad's brother-in-law, Uncle Chan. It's what forensic pathologists would call a sudden death. Myocardial infarction, I suppose. Despite my calling him a close relative, I don't think we're close at all, if not estranged, considering that we only meet on special family occasions, namely, a wedding or funeral. And now, it's gonna be his funeral.
His death triggered a wave of thoughts in my mind. What's life? I don't think many people bother about this. They live their lives the way they think is right. They do what conforms to societal norms and ought to be done. For instance, enrolling in a premier university, majoring in a favourite subject, materializing their childhood ambitions, obtaining high-paying jobs, getting married, reproducing and raising their offspring into successful individuals who repeat the entire process.
As far as I'm concerned, life is simply a series of events revolving around birth, aging, getting ill and eventually death. A universal process mankind has to experience. Unstoppable, irreversible and cruel. It transcends socioeconomic status, religious beliefs and ethnicity. None of us mortals are spared from it, be us rich or poor, gay or straight, top or bottom, white or black, handsome or ugly, with or without 6 packs.
Whatever life is, I hope mine will be filled with much joy and love. May He fortify my will to stay away from sins and accrue as many karmic merits as I can to swap for a reincarnation in heaven. (But, seriously, I can't do without gay porn. How how how?)
Well, back to Uncle Chan. May he rest in peace. Heard that my affluent aunts from KL would be coming up north to attend the funeral. My perfectionist mom is already complaining about having to make the house spotlessly clean to for the guests and, meanwhile, worried-sick about my 3-year-old nephew who's been hospitalized for recurrent tonsillitis.
As for me, I'm making a serious effort to revise as much as possible before flying back this Sunday. Professional exam. And hopefully, I can get to dine with the guy who calls me Puppy. =)
Monday, April 20, 2009
So, he's gay
It's my first day in obstetrics and gynaecology posting.
I was in a labour room where there's a woman lying on the couch with her legs spread wide open, groaning in agony and immense pain. She's in the active phase of the second stage of labour, I reckoned. I looked at her carefully, trying to fathom what my mom underwent when she's giving birth to me, which was something I hardly thought of previously... something I knew I'd never be able to decipher.
My attention was distracted by a man who sauntered leisurely into the room. He rolled up his sleeves elegantly, put on a plastic apron and subsequently a pair of sterile gloves. Without further ado, he conducted the delivery with a form of assurance and confidence that impressed me.
He's a houseman then. Dr. Id. A young doctor in the O&G department (apart from Dr. Teh) who never failed to charm me with his suavity and pleasant disposition. He's manly. Immaculately dressed. Smart. Humble. Hilarious. Handsome. All in all, he's attractive. And I thought to myself, "Could he be gay?"
Well, admittedly, there're a couple of times I fantasized about him when I was jerking off. And there's once I felt like banging him in the washroom during one of those nights I voluntarily stayed till very late in the ward. He happened to be on call. I was simmering with lust. Yet, having always held on to conservative Asian values, it's not surprising that I was able suppress the burning lust and temptation lying underneath my façade of innocence.
AND something very astonishing took place a few days ago. Guess what? Dr. Id approached me on Planetromeo. He took very long before he could recognize me. That's understandable, as I guess I look kind of geeky whenever I'm in the ward. I'm dressed in my lab coat, don't wax my hair and put on a pair of glasses which makes me even nerdier.
He claimed that he's bisexual but added that he loved guys more. Ridiculous and ironic. He's pretty approachable until he popped up the question "Have we met before? You look sort of familiar." That's when he had an idea of who I was and tried to cover up his identity.
I was overjoyed. My gaydar worked. It's him. I couldn't be wrong. Not after I managed to identify the nerves of the brachial plexus in the cadaver's arm.
Notwithstanding the possibility that I may be blackmailed, I'd be glad if we can be friends. =)
p/s: I think I've become a little too sociable lately.
I was in a labour room where there's a woman lying on the couch with her legs spread wide open, groaning in agony and immense pain. She's in the active phase of the second stage of labour, I reckoned. I looked at her carefully, trying to fathom what my mom underwent when she's giving birth to me, which was something I hardly thought of previously... something I knew I'd never be able to decipher.
My attention was distracted by a man who sauntered leisurely into the room. He rolled up his sleeves elegantly, put on a plastic apron and subsequently a pair of sterile gloves. Without further ado, he conducted the delivery with a form of assurance and confidence that impressed me.
He's a houseman then. Dr. Id. A young doctor in the O&G department (apart from Dr. Teh) who never failed to charm me with his suavity and pleasant disposition. He's manly. Immaculately dressed. Smart. Humble. Hilarious. Handsome. All in all, he's attractive. And I thought to myself, "Could he be gay?"
Well, admittedly, there're a couple of times I fantasized about him when I was jerking off. And there's once I felt like banging him in the washroom during one of those nights I voluntarily stayed till very late in the ward. He happened to be on call. I was simmering with lust. Yet, having always held on to conservative Asian values, it's not surprising that I was able suppress the burning lust and temptation lying underneath my façade of innocence.
AND something very astonishing took place a few days ago. Guess what? Dr. Id approached me on Planetromeo. He took very long before he could recognize me. That's understandable, as I guess I look kind of geeky whenever I'm in the ward. I'm dressed in my lab coat, don't wax my hair and put on a pair of glasses which makes me even nerdier.
He claimed that he's bisexual but added that he loved guys more. Ridiculous and ironic. He's pretty approachable until he popped up the question "Have we met before? You look sort of familiar." That's when he had an idea of who I was and tried to cover up his identity.
I was overjoyed. My gaydar worked. It's him. I couldn't be wrong. Not after I managed to identify the nerves of the brachial plexus in the cadaver's arm.
Notwithstanding the possibility that I may be blackmailed, I'd be glad if we can be friends. =)
p/s: I think I've become a little too sociable lately.
Saturday, April 18, 2009
Attracted
I sms-ed him at 3.30 am before dozing off.
Me: Send your puppy a msg at 8.30 am to wake him up...so tat he feels motivated to study, k?
I was woken up by the annoying ring tone of my cell phone. If I'm not mistaken, I was cursing the person who sent me the message as I sluggishly and reluctantly reached for my phone.
Him: Rise and shine, Puppy.Time to wash up, have breakfast and hit the books. No, no, no....don't close yr eyes n fall back to sleep!
I looked at the time. It's 8.34 am. I struggled to keep my eyes open and press the 'reply' button. My mind was still dominated by an intense feeling of drowsiness. And not surprisingly, before I could type anything, I fell asleep.
The next thing I knew, I was woken up again by the same ring tone an hour later.
Him: Puppy, chop chop! Time to study. To sweeten the deal, ice-cream whenever you want. It's on me. Puppy....
I guess he knew I must have continued my slumber as I did not reply to his previous message.
Me: I fell asleep lor. =( I was dreaming that I had replied to you. But I just knew I hadn't. I want Yogurberry. Hehe.
Him: Sure. U'll get yr endless supply of Yogurberry. Have u showered? * blows whistle* be a good puppy k?
Me: Not yet. Still lazing on my bed. Ok. Will get up now. Hehe. Thanks. Don't u like bad puppies?
Him: Bad puppies will b spanked till they beg for a stop. Go shower now.
I smiled. No one has done that to me in a while...except...perhaps...Kor, who occasionally sends me motivational messages to keep my spirits high...in a more brotherly manner.
It's too early and absurd to say I like him for the time being. Yet, I think I'm attracted already.
Me: Send your puppy a msg at 8.30 am to wake him up...so tat he feels motivated to study, k?
I was woken up by the annoying ring tone of my cell phone. If I'm not mistaken, I was cursing the person who sent me the message as I sluggishly and reluctantly reached for my phone.
Him: Rise and shine, Puppy.Time to wash up, have breakfast and hit the books. No, no, no....don't close yr eyes n fall back to sleep!
I looked at the time. It's 8.34 am. I struggled to keep my eyes open and press the 'reply' button. My mind was still dominated by an intense feeling of drowsiness. And not surprisingly, before I could type anything, I fell asleep.
The next thing I knew, I was woken up again by the same ring tone an hour later.
Him: Puppy, chop chop! Time to study. To sweeten the deal, ice-cream whenever you want. It's on me. Puppy....
I guess he knew I must have continued my slumber as I did not reply to his previous message.
Me: I fell asleep lor. =( I was dreaming that I had replied to you. But I just knew I hadn't. I want Yogurberry. Hehe.
Him: Sure. U'll get yr endless supply of Yogurberry. Have u showered? * blows whistle* be a good puppy k?
Me: Not yet. Still lazing on my bed. Ok. Will get up now. Hehe. Thanks. Don't u like bad puppies?
Him: Bad puppies will b spanked till they beg for a stop. Go shower now.
I smiled. No one has done that to me in a while...except...perhaps...Kor, who occasionally sends me motivational messages to keep my spirits high...in a more brotherly manner.
It's too early and absurd to say I like him for the time being. Yet, I think I'm attracted already.
Friday, April 17, 2009
Nature and I
It's pretty boring to be at home, to be honest. What's more, most of my close friends are not back in town. My course structure is a bit different from theirs. More often than not, my holidays don't coincide with theirs too.
Hence, in order to escape from boredom, I jog at the riverside occasionally in a dismal attempt to maintain my weight (which I think I've failed to), apart from squandering my time on Planetromeo and watching Jap porn. Though it definitely doesn't burn as many calories as working out in a gym does, I guess the invigorating fresh air, breath-taking greenery and tranquility which environment has to offer are worth it. Oh ya...not to mention the sweaty muscular guys who jog past me and greet my nostrils with their sexually arousing body scent. I also notice that they are fond of taking their shirts off after a vigorous jog to let their bodies cool down, generously exposing the beautiful bulges that sometimes turn me on.
Reflection of the sky and the evergreen trees on the still water surface....
An abandoned dinghy
Have you seen a cotton tree before? Those banana-like entities are actually unripe cotton seeds.
That's the cotton.
I saw a baby monkey in captivity. Chained to a tree. I guess it helps its master to pluck coconuts from the coconut trees.
Hence, in order to escape from boredom, I jog at the riverside occasionally in a dismal attempt to maintain my weight (which I think I've failed to), apart from squandering my time on Planetromeo and watching Jap porn. Though it definitely doesn't burn as many calories as working out in a gym does, I guess the invigorating fresh air, breath-taking greenery and tranquility which environment has to offer are worth it. Oh ya...not to mention the sweaty muscular guys who jog past me and greet my nostrils with their sexually arousing body scent. I also notice that they are fond of taking their shirts off after a vigorous jog to let their bodies cool down, generously exposing the beautiful bulges that sometimes turn me on.
Reflection of the sky and the evergreen trees on the still water surface....
An abandoned dinghy
Have you seen a cotton tree before? Those banana-like entities are actually unripe cotton seeds.
That's the cotton.
I saw a baby monkey in captivity. Chained to a tree. I guess it helps its master to pluck coconuts from the coconut trees.
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Rejected
AZ called me that night.
AZ: I think I found your air-steward.
Joe: Oh really? How?
AZ: In my Friendster list. I didn't know he'd been there all the while. The one who looks Chinese, right?
Joe: Yeah yeah... Give me his ID. Quick!
AZ: I'll sms it you.
Joe: Wait...you're telling me he's in your Friendster list 2 months after I asked you to help me locate him?
AZ: Err...
Ever since the interesting encounter I had with Emmet, the charming air-steward, I'd always coveted the chance to befriend him or perhaps just meet him again. I thought it's pretty memorable. That's the first time in my life I knew my gaydar was functioning. The very first time a male stranger flirted with me non-orally... oh ..erm...I mean, non-verbally and made me feel attractive.
Thanks to AZ, I finally got his profile. My blood pressure shot up to 200 mm Hg when I recognized the guy on the screen and exclaimed, "That's him!"
I still remember the powerful energy which travelled in rhythmic waves from his eyes to mine, and vice-versa. I remember his angelic, radiant smile, which made my heart bloom with lust and joy. The gentle touch of his palm on my left shoulder, which made me fly. And his voice, which had a magical quality to it, that sent charges of electricity into me.
Yet, what shatters my heart now is that the message I sent him remains unreplied. It simply means he's not interested, doesn't it? I must have sounded a little too inappropriate when I wrote the message, during which I was blinded by excitement and elation, I suppose.
All of a sudden, I begin to doubt if our eye contact was merely a fantasy and his touch on my shoulder a tactile hallucination of mine. Perhaps, he smiled simply because he had too. Perhaps, I was really hallucinating. Perhaps, he's not even gay.
AZ asked me to forget about him. And I'm going to act upon his suggestion.
Why does everyone seem to have his own Prince Charming (especially one with a hot bod) to write about? Why? Sometimes, I really do wish I had one too. Really.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
14/4/09
It's been a while, I guess. Spent a lot of time hunting for guys on Axcest and Planetromeo. Yet, all I can say is, my efforts weren't very fruitful. Heh. I did make couples of hot friends, though.
Planned to travel to Bangkok next month with a few friends. However, the recent upheaval in the capital has made us change our minds. Perhaps, we'll think of somewhere else to go.
My professional exam will be held on May 4. Time to be less desperate and study more.
Planned to travel to Bangkok next month with a few friends. However, the recent upheaval in the capital has made us change our minds. Perhaps, we'll think of somewhere else to go.
My professional exam will be held on May 4. Time to be less desperate and study more.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Hiking
Came back early from the ward today. Nothing much. Clerked a man who had myocardial infarction. Boring. And the handsome Malay medical officer didn't show up.
Decided to hike the hill behind my house. I've gained 2 kg, a predicted outcome of one week of over-eating in KL.
A view from the summit. Paddy fields are abundant in my home state.
Decided to hike the hill behind my house. I've gained 2 kg, a predicted outcome of one week of over-eating in KL.
A view from the summit. Paddy fields are abundant in my home state.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
At home
I'm home. For a month. I've chosen to do my elective posting in a hospital in my hometown so that I can eat and sleep better as I prepare for my professional exam in early May. It's going to be a tough exam I guess. We'll be tested on subjects that we've been taught for the past 3 years.
It does feel great to be at home. It's just awesome with all the privacy and freedom to do anything I like.
Though cozy, my room is always in a mess. Ahhh...
It does feel great to be at home. It's just awesome with all the privacy and freedom to do anything I like.
How I wish I didn't have to go back to my hostel.
Friday, March 13, 2009
Torn
I thought I saw a man brought to life.
I'm all out of faith
This is how I feel
I'm cold and I am shamed
Lying naked on the floor
Illusion never changed
Into something real
I'm wide awake
And I can see
The perfect sky is torn
I'm all out of faith
This is how I feel
I'm cold and I am shamed
Lying naked on the floor
Illusion never changed
Into something real
I'm wide awake
And I can see
The perfect sky is torn
Saturday, March 7, 2009
Flying back
The exam is over. The papers are hard. And I guess I'll manage to keep my head above the passing mark of 65 % and not have to resit any paper.
I'm flying to KL in a few hours time.
Speaking about travelling by plane, whenever the plane jerks due to air turbulence, the thought that the place might crash almost always emerges in my mind.
So, what do you do when you know the plane that you are on board is going to crash?
I'd write " Mommy, I love you. I haven't got the chance to tell you I'm gay. " with my full name below it on a piece of paper and tuck it into my mouth.
One of the most relevant things I've learnt from forensic dentistry or odontology, a sub-specialty of forensic medicine, is that the teeth are the hardest and most resistant tissues in the body. They can survive total decomposition and severe fire.
Hence, as far as I'm concerned, the police or forensic pathologist will be able to find the piece of paper in my oral cavity and identify my remains effortlessly, even after my body has been horrendously mutilated and my face burnt beyond recognition. Then, only can my family members make the necessary arrangements for my body to be formally buried or cremated so that my soul will rest in peace.
But still, considering the agony and the amount of mutilation my body would have to endure, dying in a mass disaster like a plane crash is definitely not how I want to depart this world, . Let's hope that I'll have a safe journey, so that I'll be able to meet the people I've planned to meet and do the things I want to do in KL.
I'm flying to KL in a few hours time.
Speaking about travelling by plane, whenever the plane jerks due to air turbulence, the thought that the place might crash almost always emerges in my mind.
So, what do you do when you know the plane that you are on board is going to crash?
I'd write " Mommy, I love you. I haven't got the chance to tell you I'm gay. " with my full name below it on a piece of paper and tuck it into my mouth.
One of the most relevant things I've learnt from forensic dentistry or odontology, a sub-specialty of forensic medicine, is that the teeth are the hardest and most resistant tissues in the body. They can survive total decomposition and severe fire.
Hence, as far as I'm concerned, the police or forensic pathologist will be able to find the piece of paper in my oral cavity and identify my remains effortlessly, even after my body has been horrendously mutilated and my face burnt beyond recognition. Then, only can my family members make the necessary arrangements for my body to be formally buried or cremated so that my soul will rest in peace.
But still, considering the agony and the amount of mutilation my body would have to endure, dying in a mass disaster like a plane crash is definitely not how I want to depart this world, . Let's hope that I'll have a safe journey, so that I'll be able to meet the people I've planned to meet and do the things I want to do in KL.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
喜欢
我曾经很自信地认为, 自己是不会喜欢上你的。
对一个不可能发展的感情, 我不会抱太大的期望。
然而, 我还是彻底地败给你的魅力。
不得不承认, 我已不知不觉的喜欢上你。
我多么希望这是假的。
即使有一千个,一万个不愿意, 我始终还是压抑不住, 内心对你的喜欢。
喜欢是个很肤浅的名词。与爱相比, 它差远了 。但, 它却足以无时无刻地勾起我对你的思念。
我不敢奢求你的回报。否则, 换来的会是沮丧和心痛。
我只是想用文字, 把此时此刻心中的感觉, 刻在这里。
就让时间来冲淡一切吧!
但愿幸福可以一直陪伴着你, 直到永远。
我会默默地把这美丽的回忆藏在心里, 快乐地活下去。
相信, 这已足够把我心中的幸福填满。
对一个不可能发展的感情, 我不会抱太大的期望。
然而, 我还是彻底地败给你的魅力。
不得不承认, 我已不知不觉的喜欢上你。
我多么希望这是假的。
即使有一千个,一万个不愿意, 我始终还是压抑不住, 内心对你的喜欢。
喜欢是个很肤浅的名词。与爱相比, 它差远了 。但, 它却足以无时无刻地勾起我对你的思念。
我不敢奢求你的回报。否则, 换来的会是沮丧和心痛。
我只是想用文字, 把此时此刻心中的感觉, 刻在这里。
就让时间来冲淡一切吧!
但愿幸福可以一直陪伴着你, 直到永远。
我会默默地把这美丽的回忆藏在心里, 快乐地活下去。
相信, 这已足够把我心中的幸福填满。
3/3/09
I sat for the practical paper today.
There were quite a number of questions on patient education and counselling. Did a lot of talking. General practice is such, I guess. Had to counsel a chap with cancer of the prostate gland. Taught an asthmatic how to use a puffer. And spoke to another lady suffering from mild depression.
A lot common sense. And logic. I don't think I'd have performed worse than I did had I not burnt the midnight oil for the past few days.
Yet, there's no excuse that I should be relaxing or slacking off. 3 more papers on theory on Thursday. Arghh!!
There were quite a number of questions on patient education and counselling. Did a lot of talking. General practice is such, I guess. Had to counsel a chap with cancer of the prostate gland. Taught an asthmatic how to use a puffer. And spoke to another lady suffering from mild depression.
A lot common sense. And logic. I don't think I'd have performed worse than I did had I not burnt the midnight oil for the past few days.
Yet, there's no excuse that I should be relaxing or slacking off. 3 more papers on theory on Thursday. Arghh!!
Sunday, March 1, 2009
Doom
I'm engulfed by the feeling of inferiority and that of an impending doom.
I'm not happy. I have a lot of things to write. But, I just don't have the time at the moment.
It's examination week again. I just got to know that there'll be a separate paper for forensic medicine. I thought the questions on forensic medicine would be combined with those on general practice. But no. That's not the case now. Which means I have to study in details of EVERYTHING!!
God, please help me!
I regret not being diligent enough.
I'm not happy. I have a lot of things to write. But, I just don't have the time at the moment.
It's examination week again. I just got to know that there'll be a separate paper for forensic medicine. I thought the questions on forensic medicine would be combined with those on general practice. But no. That's not the case now. Which means I have to study in details of EVERYTHING!!
God, please help me!
I regret not being diligent enough.
Friday, February 13, 2009
22
I'll turn 22 tomorrow.
Ahh....I wish I weren't single. Last Valentine's Day, I prayed I wouldn't be single on my 22nd birthday. But still, I am.
Happy Valentine's Day, people!
=)
Ahh....I wish I weren't single. Last Valentine's Day, I prayed I wouldn't be single on my 22nd birthday. But still, I am.
Happy Valentine's Day, people!
=)
Monday, February 9, 2009
Lately..
I’ve been busy lately, which explains why I’ve not been blogging much.
I’m currently attached to a general practice clinic. Basically one of those ubiquitous clinics run by medical practitioners you commonly see. General practice focuses on primary health care. The environment and management of diseases are completely different from those in the hospital.
Well, I find my attachment a tad too boring. Not many patients. I did come across patients with rhonchi (wheezes) in the lungs and had the chance to advise an extremely obese chap whose weight exceeded 125 kg on diet control and exercise. Yet, the excitement I’m experiencing is much less in comparison to that in medicine posting. Besides, of the doctors at the clinic is a racist. And I’ve been victimized for the past one week. Racism is ugly and scary, don’t you think so?
Apart from that, I’ve been feeling very dumb of late, principally because of laziness. I’ve been slacking off. I seem to have lost the diligent and industrious part of me in the pre-clinical years. Still in the CNY mood, perhaps.
Tiredness didn’t stop me from meeting AZ a few days back. An adorable and chatty young pilot. He happened to be in KK for work purposes. We decided to meet for the first time. I initially enlisted his help in getting the contact number of a hot air-steward I saw on a flight last November. Befriending the hot air-steward (probably gay) now seems to be a fantasy that’ll not materialize. Yet, AZ and I have become friends instead. Heh.
Thanks for the lunch and coffee, mate. Look forward to seeing you again.
I’m currently attached to a general practice clinic. Basically one of those ubiquitous clinics run by medical practitioners you commonly see. General practice focuses on primary health care. The environment and management of diseases are completely different from those in the hospital.
Well, I find my attachment a tad too boring. Not many patients. I did come across patients with rhonchi (wheezes) in the lungs and had the chance to advise an extremely obese chap whose weight exceeded 125 kg on diet control and exercise. Yet, the excitement I’m experiencing is much less in comparison to that in medicine posting. Besides, of the doctors at the clinic is a racist. And I’ve been victimized for the past one week. Racism is ugly and scary, don’t you think so?
Apart from that, I’ve been feeling very dumb of late, principally because of laziness. I’ve been slacking off. I seem to have lost the diligent and industrious part of me in the pre-clinical years. Still in the CNY mood, perhaps.
Tiredness didn’t stop me from meeting AZ a few days back. An adorable and chatty young pilot. He happened to be in KK for work purposes. We decided to meet for the first time. I initially enlisted his help in getting the contact number of a hot air-steward I saw on a flight last November. Befriending the hot air-steward (probably gay) now seems to be a fantasy that’ll not materialize. Yet, AZ and I have become friends instead. Heh.
Thanks for the lunch and coffee, mate. Look forward to seeing you again.
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Aiyor!
I broke my spec. Damn it. I didn't realize it was on my bed. And I lied on it. Damn it. My brand new spec which is barely 5-month-old. Aiyor!!
My parents are pretty generous this year. I initially thought of using my ang pau money to buy a new watch. The old one was spoilt already. But now, it seems that I have to buy a new pair of glasses instead. I can't be wearing my contact lenses all the time. Aiyor!!
The CNY break has come to an end. I shall fly back to see more corpses. And I haven't even started doing my autopsy reports that need to be submitted the day after tomorrow. Aiyor!!
And I left my cologne and wax at home. Aiyor!!
I seriously need to learn to be less clumsy.
My parents are pretty generous this year. I initially thought of using my ang pau money to buy a new watch. The old one was spoilt already. But now, it seems that I have to buy a new pair of glasses instead. I can't be wearing my contact lenses all the time. Aiyor!!
The CNY break has come to an end. I shall fly back to see more corpses. And I haven't even started doing my autopsy reports that need to be submitted the day after tomorrow. Aiyor!!
And I left my cologne and wax at home. Aiyor!!
I seriously need to learn to be less clumsy.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
CNY
Ate a lot. Drank a lot. Gambled a lot. Met many old friends.
Chinese New Year is definitely one of the periods of time in the year during which I feel most sinful.
I can literally feel my tummy enlarging.
CNY is also when you catch up on the latest events in others' lives. I noticed that those who made fun of me when I was a fat boy had now become gigantic and fat themselves. I greeted them with a sadistic grin when they said hi.
Besides, just like what I'd anticipated, I still am not spared from the inevitable onslaught of questions on why I'm not having a girlfriend yet. Everyone is wondering and curious. And I have to come up with the same old lame excuses and fabricated information as far as my love life is concerned.
The hardest part is still my mom. I just feel very sorry.
Everyone seems to have found a boyfriend or girlfriend. My friends. My cousins. And if I'm not mistaken my biological brother, Derek, who's 8 years older than me, is going to get married in half a year's time.
For the first time in my life, I feel very incompetent being gay. Really. Extremely aware though I am of the need to be happy and optimistic, inferiority always succeeds in finding a way to enshroud my soul, no matter how hard I defend myself against it.
Chinese New Year is definitely one of the periods of time in the year during which I feel most sinful.
I can literally feel my tummy enlarging.
CNY is also when you catch up on the latest events in others' lives. I noticed that those who made fun of me when I was a fat boy had now become gigantic and fat themselves. I greeted them with a sadistic grin when they said hi.
Besides, just like what I'd anticipated, I still am not spared from the inevitable onslaught of questions on why I'm not having a girlfriend yet. Everyone is wondering and curious. And I have to come up with the same old lame excuses and fabricated information as far as my love life is concerned.
The hardest part is still my mom. I just feel very sorry.
Everyone seems to have found a boyfriend or girlfriend. My friends. My cousins. And if I'm not mistaken my biological brother, Derek, who's 8 years older than me, is going to get married in half a year's time.
For the first time in my life, I feel very incompetent being gay. Really. Extremely aware though I am of the need to be happy and optimistic, inferiority always succeeds in finding a way to enshroud my soul, no matter how hard I defend myself against it.
Saturday, January 24, 2009
Almost home
I reached Penang safely this morning. Yay!!
Am at my sister's house. Got to see my niece for the first time. Hadn't got the chance to see her since she's born. And my nephew is such a big boy already.
Later tonight, I'll travel up north to my hometown. I'm almost home.
My original break only lasts 4 days. But, I've decided to play truant. Hence, I have 9 days altogether. I'm in forensic medicine posting. And I've completed my log book and seen enough of autopsies. Some of classmates who'll going back on the 2nd or 3rd day of CNY tried to intimidate me by saying that I'll be barred from sitting the end-of-posting examination. I don't know. I don't care. I think that's insane.
The most exciting thing about being at home is having unlimited access to internet, something which most people out there take for granted.
Well, Happy Chinese New Year, people!!
新年快乐,万事如意!
Am at my sister's house. Got to see my niece for the first time. Hadn't got the chance to see her since she's born. And my nephew is such a big boy already.
Later tonight, I'll travel up north to my hometown. I'm almost home.
My original break only lasts 4 days. But, I've decided to play truant. Hence, I have 9 days altogether. I'm in forensic medicine posting. And I've completed my log book and seen enough of autopsies. Some of classmates who'll going back on the 2nd or 3rd day of CNY tried to intimidate me by saying that I'll be barred from sitting the end-of-posting examination. I don't know. I don't care. I think that's insane.
The most exciting thing about being at home is having unlimited access to internet, something which most people out there take for granted.
Well, Happy Chinese New Year, people!!
新年快乐,万事如意!
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Klang Boy
I chanced upon him in a school program a few days back. Several months after I first saw him during the orientation week.
Standing aside like a ravenous beast waiting to pounce on its prey, my eyes greedily appraised him as instructed by my subconscious mind. He hadn’t changed much. Outspoken and outgoing. Crew cut. Fair complexion. The breathtakingly beautiful smile he occasionally flashed made him very handsome. He still walked and talked with the assurance of someone who thought of himself as indomitable or good-looking. He exuded a sort of confidence that might be misconstrued as arrogance or complacency. Nevertheless, to me, it’s a magical force that attracted me. He still looked like one of those recalcitrant high school kids who’d play truant and bring girlie magazine to class. Mischievously cute, I’d say.
During the program, our eyes did meet, for a second or so. His sensual eyes widened with mystification and curiosity. I got nervous and shy and instantly looked in another direction. He must have noticed I was ogling at him. Perhaps, I could have been too conspicuous.
To date, I don’t know what his full name is. Neither have I had a conversation with him. The fact that I always become very shy in the presence of someone I like really irks me. I only know that he’s my junior. The Klang boy whom I used to be infatuated with. The formidably intelligent guy who aspired to become an actuary but was accepted into med school by a twist of fate.
Anyway, I don’t think he’s gay.
Bumping into Klang Boy has ignited the sparks of desires and desperation in me which I’ve been subconsciously making an effort to suppress.
I’ve always clung on to the belief that love will show up, sooner or later, or when least expected. Yet, sometimes, the interminable wait can be utterly frustrating and painfully boring. I don’t know how far I can take before I do things desperate gays would. Hehe.
Standing aside like a ravenous beast waiting to pounce on its prey, my eyes greedily appraised him as instructed by my subconscious mind. He hadn’t changed much. Outspoken and outgoing. Crew cut. Fair complexion. The breathtakingly beautiful smile he occasionally flashed made him very handsome. He still walked and talked with the assurance of someone who thought of himself as indomitable or good-looking. He exuded a sort of confidence that might be misconstrued as arrogance or complacency. Nevertheless, to me, it’s a magical force that attracted me. He still looked like one of those recalcitrant high school kids who’d play truant and bring girlie magazine to class. Mischievously cute, I’d say.
During the program, our eyes did meet, for a second or so. His sensual eyes widened with mystification and curiosity. I got nervous and shy and instantly looked in another direction. He must have noticed I was ogling at him. Perhaps, I could have been too conspicuous.
To date, I don’t know what his full name is. Neither have I had a conversation with him. The fact that I always become very shy in the presence of someone I like really irks me. I only know that he’s my junior. The Klang boy whom I used to be infatuated with. The formidably intelligent guy who aspired to become an actuary but was accepted into med school by a twist of fate.
Anyway, I don’t think he’s gay.
Bumping into Klang Boy has ignited the sparks of desires and desperation in me which I’ve been subconsciously making an effort to suppress.
I’ve always clung on to the belief that love will show up, sooner or later, or when least expected. Yet, sometimes, the interminable wait can be utterly frustrating and painfully boring. I don’t know how far I can take before I do things desperate gays would. Hehe.
Monday, January 19, 2009
Caught red-handed
Have you ever been caught jerking off?
It just happened to me.
I was lying comfortably on my bed, stroking my dick while watching my favourite Jap porn when all my roommates were out.
All of a sudden, RW came in. I didn't know that the door wasn't locked. He immediately knew what I was doing on seeing the rhythmic action of my right hand which was inside my shorts. Fortunately, I managed to switch everything off before he saw my gay porn.
What a close shave and an embarrassment!! Haha.
I'll swear I'll be more cautious next time.
It just happened to me.
I was lying comfortably on my bed, stroking my dick while watching my favourite Jap porn when all my roommates were out.
All of a sudden, RW came in. I didn't know that the door wasn't locked. He immediately knew what I was doing on seeing the rhythmic action of my right hand which was inside my shorts. Fortunately, I managed to switch everything off before he saw my gay porn.
What a close shave and an embarrassment!! Haha.
I'll swear I'll be more cautious next time.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Of corpses and dead bodies
I never knew that medical doctors needed to be equipped with the knowledge of performing an autopsy or a post-mortem examination.
I just came to know about it not too long ago when I was introduced to forensic medicine. Autopsies are basically done to determine the cause or nature of death, identify a dead body, estimate the time of death and so on. The forensic department can be likened to a slaughterhouse. Corpses are cut open. Organs, including the brain and heart, are sliced in to pieces. And there’s blood everywhere.
I still vividly remember the very first autopsy I observed months ago. The horrendous look of the partially decomposed remains discovered couples of days after the man died was etched in my mind for some time. Putrefaction (liquefaction of soft tissues) had occurred. Skin peeling and discoloration were present. There was gross gaseous distension of the face, abdomen and scrotum. What greeted my eyes was far more hideous than the nicely preserved cadavers I saw during my anatomy lectures in 1st year.
In addition, the sight of maggots crawling all over the body surface of the corpse and greedily devouring the flesh sent shivers down my spine. Hundreds of them. As soon as the unbearably disgusting stench assaulted my nostrils, I immediately knew the amount of patience being a forensic pathologist would entail. It’s the most unpleasant smell I’ve ever smelt. 20 times worse than that of a dead cat left unattended for 5 days.
When I first met Dr JH, I thought she’s a physician. Perhaps a pharmacist. Or a doctor in a specialty which doesn’t involve a lot of blood. She always puts on the smile an unemployed housewife married to a rich man would. And I was really taken aback when I later learnt that she’s actually a renowned forensic pathologist with a rather formidable qualification that’d be teaching us forensic medicine.
I guess I’m fine with dealing dead bodies. Yet, it certainly is an option I’ll never take into consideration if I ever have the opportunity to specialize in the distant future.
I just came to know about it not too long ago when I was introduced to forensic medicine. Autopsies are basically done to determine the cause or nature of death, identify a dead body, estimate the time of death and so on. The forensic department can be likened to a slaughterhouse. Corpses are cut open. Organs, including the brain and heart, are sliced in to pieces. And there’s blood everywhere.
I still vividly remember the very first autopsy I observed months ago. The horrendous look of the partially decomposed remains discovered couples of days after the man died was etched in my mind for some time. Putrefaction (liquefaction of soft tissues) had occurred. Skin peeling and discoloration were present. There was gross gaseous distension of the face, abdomen and scrotum. What greeted my eyes was far more hideous than the nicely preserved cadavers I saw during my anatomy lectures in 1st year.
In addition, the sight of maggots crawling all over the body surface of the corpse and greedily devouring the flesh sent shivers down my spine. Hundreds of them. As soon as the unbearably disgusting stench assaulted my nostrils, I immediately knew the amount of patience being a forensic pathologist would entail. It’s the most unpleasant smell I’ve ever smelt. 20 times worse than that of a dead cat left unattended for 5 days.
When I first met Dr JH, I thought she’s a physician. Perhaps a pharmacist. Or a doctor in a specialty which doesn’t involve a lot of blood. She always puts on the smile an unemployed housewife married to a rich man would. And I was really taken aback when I later learnt that she’s actually a renowned forensic pathologist with a rather formidable qualification that’d be teaching us forensic medicine.
I guess I’m fine with dealing dead bodies. Yet, it certainly is an option I’ll never take into consideration if I ever have the opportunity to specialize in the distant future.
Monday, January 12, 2009
A compliment from a fag hag
The one-week post-exam break was a period of fun and recuperation.
I basically spent my time patronizing KTVs, watching the latest movies, swimming, shopping and reading a novel. Last but not least, I hung out with my newly appointed fag hag too.
“You’re a clumsy boy with a meticulous soul inside. A careless boy who remembers petty or trivial things. Things I told you 2 years ago. Things that people or even I myself tend to forget. And that’s really sweet of you, you know? It’s going to be really great for the single girls out there if you were straight,” CH jokingly said that.
I responded with a smirk, a hint that I had relinquished all hope of turning straight.
I’m aware of my ability to recall little unimportant things which no one would bother to remember. I’m very good at doing that. It staggers me at times when I realize I remember the nickname of the very first guy I met on cyberspace when I was 13, the high school name of a random net friend whom I’m no longer in touch with, birthdates of nodding friends I’m not close to, the exact date I viewed JY’s Friendster profile and so on.
Yet, I was sort of touched when she said that, for she’s the first person around me who realized it and complimented me.
Unfortunately, this special ability of mine doesn’t work when it comes to studies. Those mechanisms, pathogeneses and pathways never seem to stick to my mind despite repeated memorization.
Maybe, it's true when they say you forget what you want to remember and you remember what you want to forget.
And you want to know how clumsy I can be? I lost my wallet thrice within a month but every time, a good Samaritan returned it me. I broke my first spectacle the first day I wore to school. I accidentally threw my boarding pass together with the sweet wrappers into the dustbin but managed the find it 5 minutes before the plane took off. In short, it’s an acknowledged fact that I’m clumsy.
Perhaps, that’s why all my family members dissuaded me from pursuing medicine. But like I said, I was rebellious.
Saturday, January 10, 2009
Australia
I haven't shed tears for some time. But, Australia, a movie about an English aristocrat who travels to the faraway continent on the brink of World War II to save the land she inherited, made me do so today.
The motherly instinct portrayed by Lady Ashley (Nicole Kidman) when she goes to great lengths to save the aboriginal child, Nullah, really touches me.
Being a typical mommy's boy, very naturally, I began to think of my mom whom I hadn't seen for 5 months. I started to picture the endearing smile on her face when I told her I fared badly in a test. I started to reminisce the joyful moments she read me bedtime stories. Mothers are great, aren't they?
I know of people who dislike, or are contemptuous of their parents, for certain reasons. I, too, used to go through the stage of disobedience and rebellion during my adolescence.
"You'll understand when you're older", my elder sister told me.
With a little bit of maturity penetrating my mind as I entered adulthood and after a little bit of metamorphosis, I now see things differently. And I begin to understand what my sister tried to convey.
I guess I really am a fortunate child. Hehe.
By the way, Hugh Jackman is damn hot! I admit I watched the movie partly because of him. He never fails to stimulate me with his perfect physique and indescribable beauty.
The motherly instinct portrayed by Lady Ashley (Nicole Kidman) when she goes to great lengths to save the aboriginal child, Nullah, really touches me.
Being a typical mommy's boy, very naturally, I began to think of my mom whom I hadn't seen for 5 months. I started to picture the endearing smile on her face when I told her I fared badly in a test. I started to reminisce the joyful moments she read me bedtime stories. Mothers are great, aren't they?
I know of people who dislike, or are contemptuous of their parents, for certain reasons. I, too, used to go through the stage of disobedience and rebellion during my adolescence.
"You'll understand when you're older", my elder sister told me.
With a little bit of maturity penetrating my mind as I entered adulthood and after a little bit of metamorphosis, I now see things differently. And I begin to understand what my sister tried to convey.
I guess I really am a fortunate child. Hehe.
By the way, Hugh Jackman is damn hot! I admit I watched the movie partly because of him. He never fails to stimulate me with his perfect physique and indescribable beauty.
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
Life after exam
It's almost 5.10 am now. And I'm still in the cyber cafe with my straight buddies, killing on DotA. Life after exam is such. ;-)
Sunday, January 4, 2009
New Year's resolutions
Surgery posting. Examinations. They've all come to an end officially, at last.
I'm having a lot of fun in the post-exam period. Whenever I actually have the chance to online, i'm too tired to write anything.
Thanks a lot, WN, JY and AN, for the encouraging sms-es at you sent me when I was burning the midnight oil. They made quite a lot of difference, I guess.
It's 2009 now. I've abandoned the idea of producing a list of New Year's resolutions which are often unreachable, like what I've always done. Three would suffice.
1. I want to lose 5 more kg and be slimmer.
2. I want to have a relationship. I want to have a boyfriend who's lean and doesn't smoke.
3. I want to continue to survive in med school.
I'm having a lot of fun in the post-exam period. Whenever I actually have the chance to online, i'm too tired to write anything.
Thanks a lot, WN, JY and AN, for the encouraging sms-es at you sent me when I was burning the midnight oil. They made quite a lot of difference, I guess.
It's 2009 now. I've abandoned the idea of producing a list of New Year's resolutions which are often unreachable, like what I've always done. Three would suffice.
1. I want to lose 5 more kg and be slimmer.
2. I want to have a relationship. I want to have a boyfriend who's lean and doesn't smoke.
3. I want to continue to survive in med school.
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