That inevitable issue

Mom: Hey, my friend’s daughter is studying your uni too. She just entered1st year.

Joe: Who?

Mom: Neh…That one ar. Our ex-neighbour’s son’s cousin daughter. Tall and pretty one ar. I sms to you her number tomorrow.

Joe: Huh? For what? Don’t want la.

Mom: Contact her lo. Why? You got a girlfriend already?

Joe: Ermm….No. Busy ma. No time kao lui. Didn’t you just come back from China? What did you buy?

Mom: I bought……..

That’s how our conversation veers away from its main topic whenever the inevitable issue of whether I’ve got a girlfriend arises. I either give her the excuse that I’m simply too busy with my studies or that my school is teeming with girls who’re ugly geeks that only worship their textbooks.

I’ve always been bugged by the question of whether or not to come out to my parents. I wonder, if I should ever divulge the astonishing and darkest truth about the person they’ve raised for 21 years as a beloved offspring, that’s me. I spent my adolescence, during which my straight friends thoroughly enjoyed by courting and flirting with as many chicks as they could, contemplating and pondering on the thought of telling my mom the truth.

At the age of 15, after numerous hopelessly unsuccessful attempts of degayification, I wrote a 3-page letter which would reveal the hidden truth about me. It also included a detailed explanation of what being a homosexual involved and a guarantee that I’d still be the same child whom she’d always loved. However, the letter ended in the rubbish bin as I didn’t have the courage to hand it to my mom.

Even until now, I feel extremely pressured the moment my mom asks me why I haven’t got attached. Occasionally, she has the tendency to compare me to my elder brother, Derek (not KH), who started seeing someone as early as in high school, making me feel like exploding. All these create a great deal of tension which mercilessly diffuses into the already very hectic life I’m leading. I can’t even get a dick, let alone a pussy. Aih. Pathetic.

And I guess Derek knows I’m gay. I was 13 then and wasn’t aware of the fact that the pornographic websites that I visited would leave a trail. Yes. I didn’t delete the history. He once gave me a subtle are-you-gay? hint to which I responded with a I-don’t-get-what-you’re-trying-to-say look. Well, till today, he hasn’t said anything about it. And hence, I pretend as if nothing happened.