Homophobia

Most of the time, I'm able to maintain a facade of of optimism despite being surrounded by friends who're incorrigibly homophobic.

Unfortunately, it seems I ain't that good in covering up my sexuality. Maybe, I was careless. Maybe, I thought that with the staggering number of gays in our population, people would no longer see homosexuality as an abomination and subconsciously, I began to express myself more boldly. Apparently, I was wrong.

'Macho' isn't a word I'd use to describe myself. Yet, I'm pretty confident that I don't have those mannerisms gay enough to arouse others' suspicion. Perhaps, I did a mistake by publicly airing my liking for Glee and reading 'Eat, Pray, Love' in class. Perhaps, I shouldn't have worn that yellow Paul Frank shirt the other day.

As a consequence, some of my colleagues now seem convinced that I swing the other way. Although I haven't really been ostracized or sneered at, I feel extremely disturbed by the their malicious display of homophobic remarks which has successfully enfeebled the tough front I've always put on.

I remember when I was younger, I liked to make up fairy tales and indulge in an imaginary wonderland in which I was a little prince in disguise, mistakenly thrust into this cruel world to endure the torments by the homophobes. And one day, my knight in shining armor would come to my rescue and ride me back to the castle where we'd be happily married ever after.

However, every now and then, I find myself inundated with pessimistic thoughts and a crushing desolation no one can possibly understand. I feel extremely exasperated when people make idiotic comments about homosexuality, even though they might not be referring to me. I'm full of vengeance and brood. But, I'm unable to retaliate. Sometimes, I just wish I could walk away from all these nonsense.

As for Mom, I've developed my own ingenious ways of pleasing her, which include a 1500 ringgit handbag purchased using my personal savings, with the hope that the pestering would become less. But, frankly, I don't know when it'd be tacitly understood for her that I'm never going to have a girlfriend.

I hope that very soon, the universe will shift and destiny's molecules will be precisely organized for my path to criss-cross that of my knight in real life.

I need a lot of hugs. :(