Dreams

I dreamed a lot when I was a kid.

I dreamed of how my life would be like in future. Of marrying the girl who sat beside me when I was in Standard 1. Of never having to grow up. Of having my mom by my side eternally. In primary school, when asked to write about my ambition, I wrote about mine which frequently alternated between a fireman and doctor.

I dreamed of pursuing medicine in one of the world's most prestigious universities on a PSD scholarship. Of joining Doctors without Borders, saving lives in war zones or areas hit by natural disasters. Which sounds very ridiculous to me now.

I was naturally good at languages. And there was a period of time when I told my mom I wanted to venture into broadcast journalism and be newsreader like those on BBC or perhaps own a column in Time magazine.

Then, I realized I was sexually attracted to guys. I dreamed of having a six-pack by age 20. I planned to fall in love in university to help me survive the tremendous academic stress. In the meantime, I'd tell my mom I had no time to look for a girlfriend. I made a tentative plan to come out to her after attaining financial independence.

Maybe, by 30, I would have amassed enough money to afford a reasonably priced condominium and co-habitate with a live-in boyfriend, who's probably a fireman / mechanic with a six-pack who'd attend to my sexual needs all the time. In case I hadn't had the audacity to come clean to my mom about my sexuality, I might just come up with the brilliant explanation that he's just renting a room.

I had my life almost entirely mapped out. I made tons of dreams. Some of them realistic and most of them absurd. The girl who sat beside me in Primary 1 has recently got married, which awakened me to the realization of how much I've missed out on my love life.

Life isn't perfect. With all the challenges and hurdles. Sometimes, I feel very discontented. Disgruntled. Lonely. And demoralized.

But then, I tell myself it's pointless to linger on how much I've detoured from the path I'm supposed to be travelling on. On how much I've missed out. On the possibilities that may have become a reality if I weren't studying here.

I tell myself I have to extirpate these negative thoughts from my mind and enjoy the remnant of my university life.

I'll appreciate every moment in my life and continue to dream.

Who knows the gay MO will fall for me in the first month of my housemanship? Who knows I might be a successful interventional radiologist performing transjugular intrahepatic portosystemic shunting in one of finest medical centres in the country?