I've always subconsciously said or done things to manipulate people around me into thinking that I'm straight, attributable to the fact that I'm too timid to let them know about my sexuality.
Yet, I feel awful and am conscience-stricken. I've built a fortress around my real self so strong that no one around me really knows who I am. I think I'm a very fake person, in a way.
I do have several friends whom I spend most of my time with in where I'm studying. Yet, frankly speaking, I don't have a friend whom I can confide my innermost feelings in and that I can call to talk for hours when I'm upset. There're just too many things I can't reveal without raising their suspicion that I'm gay. Never have I intended to come out to them in view of their homophobic nature. Hence, everyone's constantly guessing which girl I'm seeing whenever I'm seen dressed up charmingly. Even my mom's suspecting that I'm having a clandestine relationship with a girl who lives in KL considering that I've been visiting the city quite frequently for unclear reasons of late.
And I guess I have too few genuine gay friends. It's very difficult for a friendship to blossom when both parties live thousands of miles apart from each other. However, I really do cherish the very few who care about me.
I feel sad and lonely. I'm a person who can hardly survive without friends. I'm worried that I'll become lonelier and be forgotten as I age. I've never really had a successful relationship in my entire life. I don't know what I've been doing for the past 20 years. For as long as I can remember, I've been trying to keep myself alive in a highly competitive learning environment in which everyone wants to outshine the rest.
I cried while watching Tsunami at Haeundae a couple of hours ago. There're many touching scenes. And I'm not sure if that's related to the tinge of sourness I feel in my heart now. Life's certainly not going to be a bed of roses if I weren't gay. Yet, I guess my life would be simpler if I weren't. At least, there's less hiding and explanation to be done.
I don't know why I'm writing this. I'm not a newbie. I'm not a new gay. It dawned on me that I was sexually attracted to the same sex when I was 12. So, theoretically speaking, I'm quite an old gay now.
I should be sleeping by now. I've got to wake early to attend a scuba-diving course. DIVING. Not driving. It's a 3-day course. I'm not going back to hometown during the Hari Raya break since the air tickets are too expensive.
Perhaps, I'm just having a bad mood. And my blog just happens to be one of the most appropriate places to take my frustrations out voicelessly. Hopefully, things will be better when tomorrow comes.
yes..genuine gay friend sometimes is hard to find as friends do come and go..
ReplyDeletebut i'm sure, through your blog, at least you can put in your thoughts and still have ppl care for you :)
cheer up...we are here always for you!!!enjoy your diving and holiday!!
hugss~~~~
hello silencer! wow it seems we are both ranting about a similar issue huh? I'm glad to read someone's blog that shares the same emptiness I feel sometimes, so when two lonely people meet, they don't have to be lonely anymore =) Goodluck to our discoveries from here on!
ReplyDeleteKnowing you... you will be feeling better soon. People come and go in your life... but those you can connect to... keep them close lo. And in life, people wear a LOT of masks... even the breeders. Just that it's sad that in a bid to hide our sexuality, we cannot show the world our love.
ReplyDeleteit did come across as a sad and lonely post abt one's struggles with his sexuality and fitting into the society. but you knw what, all of us have gone through it one point in our lives, some sooner and some later. do not be disheartened. you are not alone in this, ok and it's perfectly fine to feel this way. I suggest you concentrate on your studies first and foremost in order to achieve your ambition and the rest will follow suit. It also helps to have a few close knitted friends for venting. take care!
ReplyDeleteyour life is just starting...go slow!!! :) a few genuine friends is better than many but you cannnot even get your tots across....you may be yearning for someone to call your own, you may feel like coming out, but you have already...and you have so many friends here who are genuinely concerned about you :) a pek is still waiting for a reply :)
ReplyDeleteU still got us wat..... just that we dont know where u are!! lol...
ReplyDeleteJust a few close trustable gay friends ought to be enough, meguess. Too many of them sometimes drive you insane.
ReplyDeleteFocus on what you're doing now. When you have a steady career, things will be easier.
Been there, done that, from an older gay :x
thanks a lot guys. u're really sweet. =) so nice to hear u guys say that.
ReplyDeleteeric, what do u mean u don't know where i am? heh
i think some times we tend to dwell too much on the sexuality part..whether we are gay or str8, it's a god given thing, and the world is just not too kind to accept anyone for whatever they are..so perhaps the best way to deal with this is not to think of it in such a sad, negative way or from such a dark, brooding perspective. be who you are, but be discreet. one day, you will have a true friend, a real friend..
ReplyDeleteHomosexuals are not a novelty in the medical field. It probably is not a big deal if you come out to doctors, in the future, if not now.
ReplyDeleteDon't worry. You might feel down because something triggered it, happens to all of us. We can't be happy all the time. Pick yourself up and get on with life.
I just googled and found out that our cities are 2622 miles apart! But hey, distance means so little when our friendship means so much. x
ReplyDeleteanonymous, yeah yeah, thx. =) i get ur point. i just happened to be emo.
ReplyDeleteleggie, yeah. true. the movie must have triggered my emo-ness.
evann, well, i'm glad u think so. =D
Awwww... you can always talk to us.... don't be sad... cheer up! :) Life's too short to be sad...
ReplyDeleteI could definitely, totally, truly relate to what you're feeling now. It's not difficult to find kind and sincere gay friends. Perhaps you need to blend in more in the circle. I think most of us who are gay go through the same process. I do have difficulties in coming out to friends. But, it requires a lot of courage to do so. Don't worried too much bout it. The time will come eventually. Now, be yourself and enjoy your student life. If you need someone to chat with, I'm always there on msn.
ReplyDeleteCheers,
Julian :)
Sending a BIG WARM HUG from KL to KK...
ReplyDeleteCheer up dude. Try to be positive and hopeful when you are facing hard moments. You're definitely stronger than you gave yourself credit for.
Do take good care over there. Love yourself!
you know i went through this phase once in my life. a good friend of gave me this simple advice - but it leaves an impact deep enough for me.
ReplyDelete"self pity leaves you pathetic, nut
self consciousness keeps you meek...
Selfishness makes people sick, but
self confidence makes you crap-tastic!"
i guess he wanted me to cheer up and be mature :)
and i hope u will be too :)
take care
p/s: sorry abt the chocolates!!! will make it up to you~
oh hi alex. thank you. well i m no more sad. =)
ReplyDeletejulian, blend in more? so can i start from u? ahaks. no worries. i m good =D
ReplyDeletederrick, thanks. ya i m being positive.
maxxie, how're u gonna make it up? ahahaha. i don't care. let me bang. xD
lolxxx NO WAY dude.
ReplyDeletehurm ill send you one on xmas i think...or if that is not possible, ill try to bring more next year. and make sure it reaches u. hahahaha~
aww....i tot u craved for me? ahahaha. well, we'll see how it goes. i want MORE this time.
ReplyDeleteImma bit like you as well, but life's like that. You can choose to come out strong or bring yourself to places or people that will appreciate you. So lighten up a lil and stay focused :)
ReplyDeleteHelix