Life's impermanence

When I first met her, her entire right breast appeared grotesque with an ulcer with blood-stained serous discharge, peau d'orange sign and satellite nodules. The prognosis was really bad, with the presence of ipsilateral axillary and supraclavicular lymphadenopathy, lymphoedema, malignant pleural effusion and liver secondaries. 

It's painful to see her wither away with such an advanced breast cancer. Really. As I listened sympathetically to her history, I was also angry at her ignorance of her painless right breast lump which had been there for 4 years. I was incensed by the gross stupidity of the traditional medicine practitioner who gave her the misleading advice that it wasn't malignant. Shouldn't these people know that a painless breast lump in a middle-aged woman is cancerous until proven otherwise?

Sometimes, I close my eyes, and ask myself, "What if she's my mom?"

Immediately, I can envision my entire world crumbling down on me. I can imagine myself consumed with anger, cursing destiny for its paradoxes and injustices. I can visualize myself sitting forlornly at a corner, ensnared in self-pity and a devastation unfathomable by others. I can picture myself swimming aimlessly across the ocean of depression with the heartbreaking awareness of mankind's mortality.

Mom called a few times to ask if I'd be going back to hometown after my exam, an idea which I'm ambivalent about. The only thing holding me back is the astronomical price of the return air ticket.

On one hand, I was thinking that I could use the money saved to buy myself a new suit so that I could look stunningly gorgeous presentable during my brother's wedding next February. On the other hand, I really do miss Mom. The approaching exam and my innumerable trivial personal problems, coupled with my impending obesity, are giving me a considerable amount of stress.

Life is impermanent. Certain things ought to be cherished before they vanish forever. I wanna spend as much time as I can with Mom when I still can, even though, inevitably, this means having to come up with a plausible explanation of why I'm still single.

You might want to diagnose me with dependent personality disorder. But, I guess I just miss my mom. And I'm getting very agitated now because, most probably, I'm not going back during my break after the exam.

AirAsia, please have mercy!