My type

I don't remember attaching pictures of anything humanoid in my previous blog entries. Maybe, this is a good start. 

They're just random guys on Facebook that I find toppish and sexually appealing. They're merely strangers whom I have mutual friends with. Sometimes, it amazes me how on earth my friends get to know these breathtakingly handsome and gorgeous men.

Gay men who look toppish are to die for. Sometimes ( I repeat, sometimes), I can have an erection just by ogling at them on the streets. If the situation allows, I'd even subconsciously walk in a direction that enables enable me to draw freaking near to the target that captivates me at that particular moment.

Whenever someone asks me what the criteria my ideal dating partner should have, I'd just say it's fine, as long as he's top, masculine, doesn't smoke, isn't fat and equipped with a modicum of intelligence. I know, I know. I'm such a hypocrite. Meanwhile, I'm just being realistic, knowing that certain things that I hanker for are just reveries that will never come to fruition. There's only so much you can expect when you aren't a looker yourself. In the love game, certain rules are unspoken and tacit. Love is blind, perhaps only in fairy tales.

In order to make myself sound less shallow and desperate, I have to emphasize here that physical appearance isn't all that matters. After all, beauty is only skin deep.  But, let's not go into that now.

Lastly, if any of the pictures above belong to you, sorry. The reason I published them here is because you look gorgeous (in my opinion). If you want it to be removed, please do let me know.

Graduated

I guess it's time to update my blog.

A lot has happened.

I passed my professional examination. Which means my undergraduate studies has finally come to an end.

Frankly, I don't know how I survived the ordeal prior to the exam, a yardstick that would determine whether or not I was eligible for the title my degree confers. It doesn't take into consideration the previous glories you've had. If you fail to score above the passing mark, you'll have to resit in 6 months.

For the first time in 5 years, I cried during the examination period. I cried after talking to my mom on the phone too. I'm not intelligent. And the worst thing, I hadn't really worked hard enough. Hence, it's really stressful.

The vice chancellor was invited to to announce the names of those who made it through. Initially, I didn't understand why they had to make it so grand. I was so worried of being in the list of students who failed. I just couldn't bear the thought of myself enduring the embarrassment alone like a defeated warrior while others rejoiced over their respective victory. You wouldn't call me kiasu, if you could understand the helplessness I felt.

The moment my name was announced, my tears began to flow. With the immediate thought that crying publicly wasn't really congruent with the masculinity that I'd always tried to feign, I rushed to the toilet. I returned, only to realize that many of my comrades were eye-misted too and hugging one another.

I felt a sense of achievement though it was only the beginning of the career I chose.

And I finally understood why they had to make it grand.

I want to father a child

Just a few weeks back, an earthquake wreaked havoc in Christchurch, New Zealand, killing more than 150 people. 

And now, my heart goes out to the victims in Japan which was hit by a massive earthquake of a magnitude of 8.9 and more than 150 aftershocks, triggering gargantuan tsunami waves that invaded its eastern coastline.

In case you haven't noticed, a lot of disasters have occurred lately, devastating the lives of millions of people. There're even rumours about the Niburu planet that's going to criss-cross Earth's orbit and collide with her.

So, maybe the doom's day they've been talking about is real. Perhaps, the end of mankind is imminent. Is it going to be like what's depicted in the movie '2012', with multiple tectonic plate movements culminating in monstrous tsunamis that'll annihilate almost the entire human race?

As risible as it may sound, I actually had a tentative plan to store up adequate amounts of food and water as catastrophe draws near. But then, on a second thought, nothing can really prepare me for it.

Instead, I'm thinking of things I haven't got the chance to do. For instance, fathering a child, although I don't even have a boyfriend at the moment to start with.

Life moves on. Professional exam's just 3 weeks away. And I'm expected to know everything from A-Z as far as medicine is concerned at undergraduate level. I can't believe I'll be treating patients in a few months' time! The good old days seem to have whizzed past me in a twinkling of an eye.

For those of you who don't know me in person, would you like to be treated by Lucifer? :) No consultation fee or unnecessary physical contacts.

Firework

They make such a cute couple. They look very compatible with each other. Very pleasant indeed to see how well the the masculinity of the top that never fails to make me tachypneic complements with the astounding and seductive beauty of the bottom.

And now I'm beginning to think that I was the one having an amorous delusion and with the naivety to even think that my destiny had miraculously had a lucky twist.

I do feel a tinge of sadness, which is complicated and amplified by feelings of inferiority stemming partly from my corpulence. I still wonder with disdain how it'd have turned out if I were physically hotter and nearer.

Nevertheless, listening to Katy Perry's Firework does boost my morale and make me feel better and hopeful.

This song is dedicated to those there who's having a hard time, trying in vain to lose weight or who's failed miserably in winning the heart of someone you like.

There's a firework in everyone. Do not be dispirited nor belittle yourself. You gotta ignite it. And let it shine. 

If you dont like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude and the way you see it. Lingering on self-pity is obviously not going to get you anywhere.

Maybe you're reason why all the doors are closed
So you could open one that leads you to the perfect road
Like a lightning bolt, your heart will blow

Spiritually uplifted

I performed a neurological examination on a boy with a non-neurological pathology today. 

Nothing warms your heart more than a co-operative kid who beams broadly at you and obeys all your instructions. He's very very adorable so much so that, for a brief moment of insanity, I actually wished that I had a son like him. 

It's so heart-warming to hear his chuckles when I tested his Babinski's reflex. To see his cheerful facial expression when I stroke my tendon hammer against his patellar tendon. And to see the joy and innocence in his eyes as I built my rapport with him.

It's impossible to describe in words how uplifted I felt just by these simple gestures. You have to experience it yourself to understand what I'm trying to convey. 

That's one thing I like about paediatric patients. They have no pretense at all. And when they smile, you know that they like you and it just miraculously makes you feel good and boosts your confidence.

The kid was treated for acute post-streptococcal glomerulonephritis. He's doing absolutely fine. Doubt he'll develop any complications. May he be discharged soon!

I feel so great now that it eclipses my underlying melancholy which is in a way related to my previous post. Occasionally, I wonder why certain things seem so ordinary and easily attainable by others and yet, to me, they always appear to be so indistinct on the distant horizon, blurred by a thick mist of impossibility in between and forever out of my reach.

Never mind. I still feel great now. And I also feel a tremendous sense of achievement for I correctly calculated the amount of fluid correction needed for another kid with acute gastroenteritis with severe dehydration.

Now, who wants to make babies with me? 

Although I'm apparently not a good candidate for fathering a child, considering that I lost my wallet twice within a year, I still want to. Period.

Defeated

Meh! I wasn't really into him anyway. But, at least, I thought he was a potential boyfriend.

Everything seemed pretty fine until Frodo emerged out of nowhere and brilliantly intercepted all the vague and subtle hints I'd been sending to Ambrosius without my knowledge.

So, in the end, I was effortlessly exterminated. Like a soldier ambushed from behind and instantly shot to death. Painlessly.

I lost the game. To someone who looks prettier than me but has alopecia and is as tall as a hobbit.

Although my description of Frodo sounds a bit too pejorative with a mixture of jealousy and the smell of vengeance, I'm definitely not as vindictive as I might sound.

I was just filled with some sort of inexplicable desolation and animosity. Which I think is quite acceptable when someone you like chooses someone else instead of you. Maybe, I haven't garnered enough experiences in love to anticipate certain possibilities and to realize the importance of certain variables that will influence the outcome. And God must have been very compassionate to let me have a glimpse of the heartbreaks that usually accompany one thing in life that is never enough, which is love.

In future, if I ever fall for someone again, I will make my feelings clear and be assertive, which trumps shyly keeping all your feelings to yourself and not getting what you want in the end.

Lastly, I'd like to thank Lexxie for comforting me and telling me what I needed to hear. So sweet of him! :) And those mouth-watering biceps of his! Argh!

Nice to meet you, Wayne

I've been going out quite a lot with Wayne.

I don't know why I tend to get along better with guys who're already attached.

Maybe, the boundary is clearer. Being a natural advocate for monogamy, destroying a couple's relationship as a third party is an unforgivable sin I can never bring myself to commit. Well, perhaps, I've fantasized myself doing it, especially if the other party is hot and so my type. But, a fantasy is a fantasy.

And maybe, I feel less pressured too when hanging out with guys whose pants I have no intention to get into. I don't have to consciously extend my neck so that my double chins appear less apparent. I don't have to doll myself up to just to look impressive.

I like hanging out with Wayne despite the fact that he's got a loving boyfriend. I hope my benign invasion into their relationship will not result in any unwanted harm or damage.

After all, I just feel lonely. I wish I'd got to know him earlier. Not when I'm going to leave this place for good in a few months' time.

That being said, it doesn't mean that I'm going to invest any lesser in this friendship compared to the others.

Nice to meet you, Wayne!

By the way, Wayne is kinda hot and f-abs-bulous. :)