I feel good. Savouring a cup of white coffee and listening to David Archuleta's songs.
Played basketball with my buddies today. Something we haven't been doing much together ever since we entered the clinical phase and we divided in different groups.
When you exercise, your pituitary gland releases endorphins into your brain and spinal cord. It has a high affinity for some opioid receptors through which morphine acts. Endorphins are responsible for reduced perception of pain and feelings of euphoria. They are secreted when you're having an orgasm. The chemicals partially explain why you feel good and high-spiritd after a strenuous exercise (or an ejaculation).
The sun was blazing. I guess we went too early. We had a vigorous play. It was extremely exhausting. I wish I were as agile and athletic as RW. I felt happy. We had lots of fun and laughter.
As we sat on the ground to give our hypoglycaemic and dehydrated bodies a break, I began to contemplate my life and future. We're already in final year. We've been good buddies, though they're hardcore homophobes. At that particular moment, I wondered if things would still be the same after graduation, as I reluctantly listened to their suggestive jokes involving the opposite gender, feigning excitement.
They've been great friends though. When something goes wrong with my car or when my car battery goes flat, they're the ones who bail me out. In short, they're just excellent in things I'm incapable or afraid of dealing with. Don't get me wrong. I'm not fond of behaving like a damsel in distress. It's just that there're certain things I can be very dumb in. No doubt, their dressing sense totally sucks and turns me off. Yet, they possess certain qualities which I find somewhat admirable.
I can prophesy myself drifting away from them in future due to their homophobic nature and antiquated ideas about homosexuality. We'll part with one another, lead different lives and meet different people. Sometimes, it's saddening that this might be the outcome even though we've shared many wonderful moments together. Nonetheless, sometimes, it's agonizing to be a gay in disguise. I always shudder at the thought of their discovering my sexuality.
Ah! What the heck? I told myself not to be so despondent about my life, being gay and continued playing basketball.
Friendships can be likened to straight lines which intersect and criss-cross your life at certain points. Somewhere along the way the friendships just cease to blossom for no apparent reason, although the footprints left in your heart are permanent. After all, how many of those who were once your best buddies are you still close to?
Before I rest my pen, I'd like to dedicate this song to you. David Archuleta's version of Angels. I've been listening to it for over and over again for the past one week. :)
I sit and wait
Does an angel contemplate my fate?
When I'm feeling weak
and my pain walks down a one way street
I look above
and I know I'll always be blessed with love.
I kinda understand that kind of feeling, though not as extreme as homophobic but somewhat.. after so many years and a confession being gay.. it is a odd feeling.. for me it is more like do they need to know? i mean i wont lie of course.. but neither do i have to pour out the fact out of the blue..
ReplyDeletemaybe someday when u are happily with someone and they come to notice it.. probably they wud be happy for u too seeing how the other person complete u.. maybe thats the right timing.. when u convinced them too.. and like many wud tell u.. true friend will understand and accept u.. if they r true friends..
I have a lot of close buddies from school that's still close friends today.. thats like probably between 10-15 yrs ago.. and still frens today :P
ReplyDeleteYou will have different friends at different stage of life...naturally. Just be yourself..
ReplyDeletei think everyone has their own gang of close buddies, sharing just about anything.
ReplyDeletebut it's ironic that we don't reveal our sexuality to them, instead we tell other groups of friends that aren't as close to us.
perhaps there is too much to lose, hence the secrecy...
I agree with Jboy, its easy for people to say 'if they mind, they arent really your friends' but sometimes... there is just soo much to lose... not to mention the awkwardness once they find out...
ReplyDeletejust hang in there for now buddy
You still got us.:)
ReplyDeletefriends come and go, true friends stick. if they r ur true friends, they will stick.
ReplyDeletemine did, =) (so now you got something to be optimistic about)
hey peeps,thanks for your comments! sometimes, your comments keep me going.
ReplyDeleteit is hard to deal with homophobes >.< i guess you can't avoid this feeling when coming out, be it homophobes or not.
ReplyDelete[Jino] - A man's not a man unless he knows how to shoot