Nice to meet you, Wayne

I've been going out quite a lot with Wayne.

I don't know why I tend to get along better with guys who're already attached.

Maybe, the boundary is clearer. Being a natural advocate for monogamy, destroying a couple's relationship as a third party is an unforgivable sin I can never bring myself to commit. Well, perhaps, I've fantasized myself doing it, especially if the other party is hot and so my type. But, a fantasy is a fantasy.

And maybe, I feel less pressured too when hanging out with guys whose pants I have no intention to get into. I don't have to consciously extend my neck so that my double chins appear less apparent. I don't have to doll myself up to just to look impressive.

I like hanging out with Wayne despite the fact that he's got a loving boyfriend. I hope my benign invasion into their relationship will not result in any unwanted harm or damage.

After all, I just feel lonely. I wish I'd got to know him earlier. Not when I'm going to leave this place for good in a few months' time.

That being said, it doesn't mean that I'm going to invest any lesser in this friendship compared to the others.

Nice to meet you, Wayne!

By the way, Wayne is kinda hot and f-abs-bulous. :)

7 years

He was the first guy I felt deeply in love with. That was 7 years ago.

He played this song for me. I sat beside him. I secretly wished he would reciprocate my love.

And 7 years ago, I came out to him too.

7 years later

Same song

Same person

He's still straight.

The feelings are gone. But, we're still friends.

But, I still remember how I felt 7 years ago. And how my heart melted whenever he played that song for me while I sat silently beside him, watching his fingers dance gracefully on the keys.

Watching his debut video clip on YouTube makes me feel as though I'm revisiting a place where everything has changed except the scenery and surrounding environment. It also reminds me of the reasons for which I subconsciously fell for him.

去年今日此门中，
人面桃花相映红。 
人面不知何处去，
桃花依旧笑春风。

近水楼台先得月

I guess I've lost even before the game has started. 

My competitor is way too formidable. Even I almost fell for his ravishing beauty.

Never mind, Joey. Your chance will come. Be confident.

回头草

I passed by Bangsar Village.

And I thought of him.

Sometimes, you wish you could undo certain things you've done. But, you just know it's impossible.

I hate myself

I know I shouldn't hate myself. But now, I really do.

Why am I such a kid? Why am I so careless? Why can't I just grow and be a more responsible and careful adult?

Mom, sorry for all the troubles and inconvenience caused. I have no one to blame but me.

I don't like this. I wish someone could give me one tight slap as a trigger for me to cry. 

I feel so low and inferior. 

I don't like this. But, I have to go through this. To suffer the consequences of my recklessness.

I don't deserve to be happy for tonight. I shall spend my evening in silence and reflect on all my blunders. I'd also want to spend some time chanting mantras and my Guru's Heart Sutra, not to alleviate my guilt, but to calm myself down. 

I hope it's still not too late to turn over a new leaf. 

Damn. I hate this. =(

Merci beaucoup!

I'd like to express my gratitude to the minority of my readers who actually like my blog and appreciate what I write. Merci beaucoup! Thank you very much. 

Sorry if I'd failed you in any way. My blog content is apparently not based on what other people like to read. My blog is nothing more than a private punching bag of mine which allows me to unleash the negative emotions and feelings welled up in me. Whenever I blog about something unhappy, I actually feel happier. I convert my negative thoughts to voiceless words, make myself sound as devastated as possible and place them on my blog.

Unhappy thoughts may not be permanently erasable. But, blogging not only makes it easier for them to be relegated to the back of my mind, if not completely obliterated, but it also replaces all the sadness with an ephemeral pleasure.

Hence, my gullible readers, don't be fooled by the melancholic tone of most of my blog entries. In fact, I'm quite a jovial person who laughs a lot. =) I seldom blog about happy events because, unlike negative emotions, they don't inflict a gnawing pain on your heart and make you feel unloved and bullied or as if you're going to explode.

Stress is detrimental to one's soul. Mental illnesses are multifactorial. And stress is known to play a vital role in the aetiology of such mental illnesses as schizophrenia, major depressive disorder and bipolar disorder. I certainly do not want to wake up one morning only to realize that I fulfill the DSM-IV criteria for any of the aforementioned psychiatric disorders.

On top of that, blogging also allows me to jot down and beautifully describe every micro-emotion that I feel. This is something my digital camera cannot capture. And if I don't write and blog about them, I'm afraid I'll forget. If only I had better vocabulary and more time!

By the way, I'll be going back to university later in the evening. And I'm anticipating a lot of stress. Ahh! I could really use a bang hug sometimes!

So, do I write like a doctor already? xD Yeah, that's my handwriting in the photo above.

Parlez-vous Francais?

Attended a gathering at a karaoke lounge. To my astonishment, no one noticed that I gained weight. In fact, some of them asked if I'd shed some. What the heck? Haha. I hope they weren't being sarcastic.

Ahh. It's really tiring to live in a society that fetishizes slimness. When you're meeting a group of friends whom you haven't seen for ages, people will always gauge how much weight you have gained, or lost. It's a spinal reflex. But then, I guess I'm too self-conscious sometimes.

Bonjour! Comment ca va? Je m'appelle Lucifer. J'ai 24 ans. Je suis de Malaysia. Je suis gay. Je me sens seule. Je veux un copain.

Haha. How does that sound? It's an introduction of myself in French. I'd always wanted to learn a foreign language but never had the will too. Yesterday, for the first time in my life, I made a serious effort to. Was initially torn between Italian and French. Eventually, I chose the latter.

Why French? Well, somehow, I feel connected to it. There's quite a number of words and phrases in English which originate from French. For instance, joie de vivre, coup de grace, c'est la vie, faux pas, bon voyage, bon appetit, adroit, belle, ballet, a la carte and bureau. In medicine, you come across plenty of French terms too, namely peau d' orange sign, cafe au lait spots, cancer en cuirasse, coup and contracoup injuries, Boerhaave syndrome, Troisier's sign and so on.

The part I find most intriguing is the pronunciation. C'est magnifique! Besides, I find it very impressive to be able to speak a foreign language. I can imagine my future boyfriend boasting to his friends about how I can turn him on by whispering some dirty romantic French words to him.

Hopefully, I'll be determined enough to learn the language. They say that Italian sounds sexier. I might want to learn Italian too in future. I wish I had the time. Classes will resume next Monday.

Professional exam's in April. The mock exam falls precisely on my birthday next month. Great! Internal medicine. General surgery. Obstetrics and gynaecology. Orthopaedic surgery. Paediatrics. Radiology. Ahh crap! I don't even want to think about the study load now. Not to mention that I'll spend my 24th birthday burning the midnight oil. C'est la vie!

Au revoir! Bonne nuit.