On being desperate

I've been feeling very diabetic of late reading how Skyhawk expresses his affection for his boyfriend and vice versa. So sweet and romantic.

Today, I saw Dr. Phuah in the obstetric ward. He's seeing a patient with thyroid disease in pregnancy. In the presence of such a huge distraction, needless to say, I failed to concentrate on clerking my patient.

I got his full name and looking for him on Facebook was the first thing I did after I got back. Disappointingly, he's kissing a girl in his profile picture. That explains why I'm PMS-ing at the moment. Now, the glimmer of hope that he's gay is lost.

I always have the tendency to assume people are gay and fall for them, only to be driven to despair in the end when I discover they're actually not.

I crave for love. I yearn to be hugged and kissed. I fervently wish that I had a boyfriend to whom I can give my body and soul. I wish I didn't have to wrap myself with my comforter and tears in my eyes, imagining that it's the guy I love hugging me.

And I don't know why I always attract people who freak me out and give me a chill of horror that raises good bumps on every square inch of my body. For instance, the immaculately dressed and well-groomed male stranger who followed me out of the changing room of the public pool, placed his arm across my shoulder and asked if we could have a drink. I could see the yearning in his eyes and the temptation rising uncontrollably within me. Yet, the situation was too frightening for me to think of anything kinky.


And not to mention the overtly friendly temple senior, a married man in his 40s and apparently bisexual, who treated me really nice. He bought me expensive meals and gifts. It doesn't take to realize the ulterior motives behind his generosity and kindness when it dawned on me that he'd known I was gay from the very beginning. He saw my gay profile online. Once, I even agreed to stay with him in a hotel as we had to attend an activity in the temple which ended pretty late. My university has an 11 pm curfew. What a close shave! 

Besides, recently, a perverse senior of mine discovered my blog and my identity was exposed soon after. I only suspected this only after he started asking me details of how I masturbate and satisfy my sexual desire out of the blue on Facebook, when in actual fact, I'm not even close to him. My hatred for him became stronger after discovering that Caleb, a junior whom I used to have a crush on, wasn't spared from his harassment as well. Despite my giving him a cold shoulder, he started texting me a few days back. I wonder why he has to approach people in such an eerie way. 

Why is it so hard to attract and arrest the attention of the guys I like?