Random thoughts

At times, it surprises me to realize the fact I've actually spent 99.9% of my entire life to date with straight guys. We do basically everything together. Having meals. Travelling. Clerking patients. Polishing our clinical skills. Doing physical examination on one another before an OSCE. Playing DotA and basketball. Watching movies. Hanging out. Helping one another in preparation of an exam. Staying united in times of happiness and hardships. The list goes on. Yes. Basically everything, except jerking off and watching porn, as straight porn isn't really my cup of tea.

I know, for certain, that someday in future, each of them will get a girlfriend and have a world of their own. I don't really have a strong network of gay friends, except for a few whom I got acquainted to when I slutted in KL. Some of them did leave beautiful footprints in my heart. But do they actually give a damn about me? I don't know. Hence, it really pains me to think of the possibility that I'll be left alone and lonely, with suicidal thoughts invading my mind subsequently.

I feel helpless and worried. The academic pressure I'm facing, somehow, does help in numbing and anaesthetizing me to all these pessimistic thoughts. But then, the effect is not permanent. Many a time, I'm soaked in fear, not knowing where my life leads to and what the future holds for me. And the something bigger and tragic -- coming out to my parents-- has yet to come. Aih. I really don't know how to deal with this sort of calamity that's imminent and bound to happen.

"Why am I gay?" I asked myself this when I discovered my sexuality 10 years back. I started to deviate further and further from the straight path ever since. Nevertheless, the same old question never ceases to resurface and trouble me even until now. Sigh.

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The weekend was pretty great though. Got to see the new juniors. Had several wars against them on DotA which actually plays quite a vital role in boosting the senior-junior relationship in our faculty.